Let's have a bad joke thread!

[adymarie]

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which
produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very
little,
which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad
breath. This made him ...

... a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

 

[turtlecat]

So there's three tomatoes walkin along the street, a papa tomato, mama tomato, and a baby tomato. Well the baby was slow, and the papa tomato started to get really angry, so he squished the baby tomato and said "Catch up"

hehe..
Get it?

Catsup?


(Thank you Uma Thurman and Quentin Tarantino for that gem)

 

[tuxedokitties]

What happened to the cannibal who was late for dinner?


He got the cold shoulder.

 

[annabelle33]

A three legged dog walked into town, went up to the sheriff and said "I'm looking for the man who shot my pa"

 

[ali012281]

What do you call a cat who drinks lemonade?


Sourpuss

 

[adymarie]

What's the difference between a trampoline and a lawyer?
You take your shoes off to jump on a trampoline.

 

[mrsd]

A green bean crossed the street and was ran over by a SUV. They took him to the hospital and did emergency surgery on him. The doctor came out to talk to the family. 'The good news is, we saved him', the doctor said. 'But the bad news? He'll be a vegetable the rest of his life...'

 

[adymarie]

What do cows read in the morning?
The daily moos!

 

[tuxedokitties]

A frog walks into a bank. Heâ€[emoji]8482[/emoji]s a little nervous, because heâ€[emoji]8482[/emoji]s never been in a bank before. He spots a friendly-looking associate whose nameplate says Ms. Patricia Whack seated at a desk, and walks up to her. He used to know a girl named Patricia in school, and she was nice, so hopefully this woman will be helpful.

He clears his throat, and announces, “Iâ€[emoji]8482[/emoji]d like to apply for a loanâ€. Patricia looks bewildered. “A loan? Iâ€[emoji]8482[/emoji]m supposed to loan money to a frog?â€

He responds “But Iâ€[emoji]8482[/emoji]m not just any old frog. My father is a very well known rock star. His name is Mick Jagger. That should be good for something, Iâ€[emoji]8482[/emoji]d hope.â€

The associate eyes him with suspicion. “Hmmm…well, for us to loan money weâ€[emoji]8482[/emoji]ll need collateral. Do you have anything of value?â€

The frog pulls out a tiny, delicate pink elephant, made of some sort of stone, and hands it to her. She is flabbergasted. At a loss for words, she says "Excuse me for a moment, please.", takes the elephant, and walks off to find the bank manager.

When she finds the manager, she walks up to him, shaking her head. “Sir, thereâ€[emoji]8482[/emoji]s a frog at my desk, asking for a loan. He says we should give him a loan because his father is Mick Jagger, and when I asked him about collateral, he handed me this! What the heck is this?â€

The manager looks at her calmly, and responds, “Itâ€[emoji]8482[/emoji]s a knick knack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old manâ€[emoji]8482[/emoji]s a Rolling Stone.â€

 

[ali012281]

Originally Posted by mrsd

A green bean crossed the street and was ran over by a SUV. They took him to the hospital and did emergency surgery on him. The doctor came out to talk to the family. 'The good news is, we saved him', the doctor said. 'But the bad news? He'll be a vegetable the rest of his life...'

 

[adymarie]

Why is 6 afraid of 7?

Because 7 8 9!

 

[ali012281]

What's the sickest country?
Germ-any.

 

[wellingtoncats]

A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face?