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I need some advice from the adult members of the board.

post #1 of 25
Thread Starter 
Often, many of the things I do, are kept a secret from my parents... And they are anything but uninvolved on me (on the contrary, they are the polar opposite of it)... its mostly my fault as I am the one who keeps the secrecy, and sometimes even manipulating them to keep those things away. I am afraid that I say quite a few lies.

Its on the most part, pretty delicate stuff, and quite a few "sins" of mine... but my main problem is here:

I have always had a sense of gnawing guilt everytime I think how much I deceive them, or that what I do with them like that is not exactly appropiate. But then again, there is the sense of "fear" of what are they going to do if they hear some of that stuff... I simply don't know.

Is it safe, or perhaps at least suggestionable to keep secrets like that? For the reason I ask this, is trying to seek a bit of wisdom... Everynow and then I am forced to admit that I have to seek somekind of advice from people who know more than I do.
post #2 of 25
Victor are you meaning what you told us a while back about you and Vicky?.

I think most of us at some point have told a lie to our parents and hoped that they would never find out, but for me it depends how big the lie is?!.
post #3 of 25
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by rosiemac
Victor are you meaning what you told us a while back about you and Vicky?.

I think most of us at some point have told a lie to our parents and hoped that they would never find out, but for me it depends how big the lie is?!.
Yeah, along those lines and including that... there is a few other stuff, however.
post #4 of 25
It's an awkward one really. As i say it depends how bad the lie is?.

I'm one of those people who believes that you get caught out in the end, so depending how bad the lie is, it's either own up now, or say nothing but have a good answer ready for when you do get caught out!.

But sometimes, some things are better left unsaid?!.
post #5 of 25
Victor,

My rule of thumb when I was growing up was: Will this eventually hurt either me or my parents?? If it is something that will cause harm, either physical or mental, then I 'fessed up.

All of us have lied to our parents while we grew up. Trust me, parents REALLY are not ready to hear about the first time you tried cigarettes or pot or alcohol till you are older. Nor do they need to know how many times you've snuck out of the house when grounded. But if you are doing something that is dangerous, like breaking the law or continued substance abuse, then its time to tell.

Now for relationship problems, you'll be surprised how much they know. After all, they've probably gone thru it themselves when they were your age.

Sandy
post #6 of 25
Victor I don't know what you are keeping from your parents. Whatever it is perhaps you think it is wrong to do it anyhow or else you would tell them. Without the ins and outs of rights and wrongs to be keeping things from them I hope you find this helpful. I once read a book called Do It Yourself Psychotherapy. It was a really good book and one thing from it that has always stuck in my mind is that it said if you are doing something that you are afraid someone will find out about, whatever it is, it isn't good for you. Either do it and tell your parents or don't do it, because mentally it is not good for you to keep those kind of secrets.
post #7 of 25
Victor,

It has been suggested to you in the past that seeking advice on a message board may not be your best resource. There are real life/real time resources out there that are much more appropriate.

That having been said, I'll put the ball back in your court exactly where it belongs. You are the one that has to look in a mirror at yourself at the end of the day.

I'll leave you with the following as food for thought:

"Character is much easier kept than recovered." ~Thomas Paine

"A man has to live with himself, and he should see to it that he always has good company." ~Charles Evans Hughes

"Character is doing the right thing when nobody's looking. There are too many people who think that the only thing that's right is to get by, and the only thing that's wrong is to get caught." ~J.C. Watts


Jeff
post #8 of 25
Thread Starter 
Okay, before you folks start to worry sick: There isn't any constant law violation or drug abuse . Nothing the sort.

Most of it is relationship stuff.... Vicky, and other similar things... then again, some of those things are just not said I shall admit thought, I sometimes wonder if they know... for they seem to start behaving like if they knew... and not say a thing... I am wondering if I am the only one who got the European attitude towards cousin relationships after his residence in Spain, or if they also got it (they got to live even more time up there than I did). Crap, I am starting to fear they are reading my mind when it comes to my relationships.
post #9 of 25
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by grampngram
Victor,

It has been suggested to you in the past that seeking advice on a message board may not be your best resource. There are real life/real time resources out there that are much more appropriate.

That having been said, I'll put the ball back in your court exactly where it belongs. You are the one that has to look in a mirror at yourself at the end of the day.

I'll leave you with the following as food for thought:

"Character is much easier kept than recovered." ~Thomas Paine

"A man has to live with himself, and he should see to it that he always has good company." ~Charles Evans Hughes

"Character is doing the right thing when nobody's looking. There are too many people who think that the only thing that's right is to get by, and the only thing that's wrong is to get caught." ~J.C. Watts


Jeff

Oh, please, I know that... I am just expressing some thoughts. I shall admit I have already had talked this out on real life (Yes, its true... Vicky has done that too), do not worry. I sometimes just feel plain compelled to review what I do and ask if I am doing the right thing. This is only a very small part of it.

I feel that you've made the best part of it... When I asked on it, I found myself with the best reply I could have found: All I need is to ask myself if I feel it is wrong or not. And if I am harming myself or anybody in this. Once that is dealt with, take the old motto of my family: Screw all those who think otherwise!
post #10 of 25
Do you mean wrong with you and Vicky?
post #11 of 25
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by rosiemac
Do you mean wrong with you and Vicky?
post #12 of 25
I'm new to the forum and have no idea how old you are but for what it's worth, here goes!

Our daughter is 24 and wonderful. From a very early age I advised her that if she were in a situation and asked herself honestly, "Can I go home and tell my mom and dad about this?" and the answer was yes - then go for it and have fun. If the answer was NO, then perhaps she shouldn't be doing it. I believe if we all live our lives like that we'll win. If I'm out with friends and want to do something and feel like I can't tell my husband, then I probably shouldn't be doing it.

We also stressed that there was NOTHING she could not tell us and be understood (unfortunately, she took that advice to heart and told me much more than I really wanted to hear - usually when I was in the car driving with her so I'm surprised the car is still in one piece - LOL). We have a warm, loving and trusting relationship with our daughter - she even discusses things with her dad that most girls would not even think about.

So to sum up, my answer is be honest with those you love. Having said that, if your parents are extremely old-fashioned it may be that some things (as long as they aren't going to hurt anyone) should be better left unsaid.
post #13 of 25
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Yosemite
I'm new to the forum and have no idea how old you are but for what it's worth, here goes!

Our daughter is 24 and wonderful. From a very early age I advised her that if she were in a situation and asked herself honestly, "Can I go home and tell my mom and dad about this?" and the answer was yes - then go for it and have fun. If the answer was NO, then perhaps she shouldn't be doing it. I believe if we all live our lives like that we'll win. If I'm out with friends and want to do something and feel like I can't tell my husband, then I probably shouldn't be doing it.

We also stressed that there was NOTHING she could not tell us and be understood (unfortunately, she took that advice to heart and told me much more than I really wanted to hear - usually when I was in the car driving with her so I'm surprised the car is still in one piece - LOL). We have a warm, loving and trusting relationship with our daughter - she even discusses things with her dad that most girls would not even think about.

So to sum up, my answer is be honest with those you love. Having said that, if your parents are extremely old-fashioned it may be that some things (as long as they aren't going to hurt anyone) should be better left unsaid.
Ok, I am 15 to clear your doubts. Less than a year now to DL.

I see that... there are many things that I sometimes keep a secret out of frivolity... such as what I do while on my computer (they do know I post here) when its not anything harmful (I ain't making a conspiracy to overthrow a government, nor am I using the web to involve with the Russian mafia, nor any of that )

And I promess.... I will not tell such things while my mom is driving!!! I don't wanna leave the poor car in the dump.
post #14 of 25
Hi there!

I hope you don't mind my two cents! I was chatting with my mom the other day and somehow we got around to things I did back when... Her response was that she was glad not to know coz it would have freaked her out completely. She also said that she tried to teach me right from wrong and I needed to figure it out for myself in the end and she would have just made things worse had she known.

Good luck!
post #15 of 25

I just thought I'd have some input. look, there are often things that parents can't handle. Mine are still a little wiggy that I talk to people I don't KNOW online. It's because of the generational gap, I beleive. my parents are old world europeans and when it comes to what things are done, they're very particular. If I'm sitting online and talking to people, or sending out gifts to people I've never seen, I don't tell them. If I do tell them, then they get concerned about it, and really there are far greater things that they should be concerned with. But if it's something that could potentially cause them strife, I.E. something major to do with your health, or meeting people who you've only ever talked to online, then it's potentially dangerous, and they should be told. If it's something they'll find out in the end, and be hurt over, you should be honest about it, but of course NOT while your mum is driving, lol.
Example: My mom wigged out when she learned that I have tattoos on my back. But I don't display them, and I don't have them in conspicuous places. She doesn't beleive in them. And then she threw a fit. Now, If I had been open with her, then she still would have had the exact same fit, so if she didn't find out until I moved out, at least I didn't have it smack me in the face. My father still doesnt' know, and I don't see the need to upset him with it, if it's never going to be something he encounters.
post #16 of 25
Thread Starter 
Those two cents are worth two million!

Anyway, I see your point a lot around on this. My parents are pretty wiggy too at times... guess its either generational gaps, or that the human mind works less when it gets old! (totally kidding guys! )
post #17 of 25
The bottom line for me is this, if you lie to your parents, then you do not respect them, nor do you respect yourself. It will also cost you dearly in the end, for as you grow up, they will return the favor and not respect or trust you. If you truly do love them, then you owe them the truth good, bad or ugly.

If they are so "involved" in your life WHY in the world do they let you spend so much time on a computer posting to strangers? You need to develop your life away from this board Victor that is what is important here- not the advice of strangers who only know what you decide to share with them in this community.
post #18 of 25
I second that. The worst thing you can do is destroy trust, because once it is gone, it is very difficult to regain. I'll be frank here, Victor. you have just admitted to lying to and manipulating your parents on more than one occasion. When I read between the lines, I see a kid who thinks he knows more than the adults who are raising him. That's a shame. You benefit far more both today and in the future by having an open and honest relationship with your parents. That is coming from one of those 'older' people, a person who deals with kids for a living and is the parent of 2 teenagers.
post #19 of 25
Victor, while I agree with MA, Deb and others here, I'd like to say that withholding information from parents is pretty normal teenage (and sometimes adult) behavior. At 15, there's no need to tell your parents every single detail of your life. If you're involved in something illegal, harmful, hurtful, risky, etc., then you should be honest with them. That is, follow your conscience. If you just want to keep some things private, like your relationship with Vicky, I think most people feel the same way. In a couple of years, you're probably going to be very surprised at how much your parents knew anyway. Just because they don't come right out and question you doesn't mean they're oblivious.

Just a little anecdote here, to show that being too secretive can give your parents absolutely the wrong impression. Our nephew and his best friend are often here on weekends because they both have girlfriends in our town. They're each on the second or third girlfriend - they're 16. Since they aren't old enough to drive (you have to be 18 here), they'll come early by train or bike, and hang around here till it's time to go out, or come afterwards or call for a ride home. Chris (Erik's friend) is a really mature kid, well-mannered, etc., etc., so I couldn't understand why he was complaining about his mom's constantly giving him the "third degree" (asking him to account for every little minute away from home). Last week I discussed it with Erik's parents, who know Chris's parents well, and they told me that C.'s parents suspect that he might be overly shy, an Internet addict, or perhaps gay, because he never talks about girls at home, and they've been wondering about counseling! Obviously, he should tell his parents that he's dating.
post #20 of 25
Im with MA. Not only does it show that you don't respect them but that you don't stand up for your own beliefs. If its against the law or something you know is wrong, you should definetly tell them. If its something you see as right, but conflicts with their views, tell them anyway, and show why you believe what you do.
Being honest shows strength and courage. Lying makes you look like the rat you are(if your lying )

Later,
Brandon
post #21 of 25
Thread Starter 
You two (Hissy and Deb) hitted (I ain't sure if the right word is "hit" ) the nail. That is why I often feel so guilty of it, and simply can't stand thinking about it time and time again. I don't need a lot of describing, the two of you described it. I feel often that I am betraying them, of how they trust me so much and I exploit that trust. Deb, you are right: its a shame.

Suffice to say, you two put me to think a lot. I really need to revise all the crap of my life... I guess I just need to be more open... and honest.... and stop acting like if everything I did was a Military secret.

Thanks a lot.

PS: If you hear in the direction to the caribbean someone who is rolling in bed, its me thinking about that.
post #22 of 25
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by jcat
Victor, while I agree with MA, Deb and others here, I'd like to say that withholding information from parents is pretty normal teenage (and sometimes adult) behavior. At 15, there's no need to tell your parents every single detail of your life. If you're involved in something illegal, harmful, hurtful, risky, etc., then you should be honest with them. That is, follow your conscience. If you just want to keep some things private, like your relationship with Vicky, I think most people feel the same way. In a couple of years, you're probably going to be very surprised at how much your parents knew anyway. Just because they don't come right out and question you doesn't mean they're oblivious.
Oops... I cross posted myself here... I made the previous post before Cougar and you answered. let me answer anyway.

That is what I think... one thing is to just keep it private, (Anyone who has been involved in romantic issues knows that ) Exactly... I feel at times I simply go too much in hiding things... I prefer the Vicky thing to be kept private but many other things, I later wonder why on earth am I hiding such a frivolity that they would understand.

Follow my conscience... that is why I like talking to you guys... in my town you live so surrounded by idiots, its refreshing to hear words of wisdom every now and then.

As for them not being oblivious.... we have thought about that... To Vicky it gives her nightmares, but to me it leaves me more of pensive... I would laugh the day that happens.
post #23 of 25
Victor we seem to have to read between the lines here. I still hold to what I said if you can't say what it is your are doing then it is making you feel bad for doing it. After everything you have been through look after yourself, don't add more burdens to YOU. If it is something that is worrying you so much that you have posted about it, it is not something trivial. Tell your parents so that you can all discuss it. If it is not wrong you should feel comfortable about it. You mention Vicky a lot and romance between the two of you. Why is this wrong? I am not accusing you of this but if the relationship has become a sexual relationship and the laws over there are the same as here, you are against the law. If this is so I am not judging you I am just pointing something out. I do wish you would talk to your parents, you are not going to like yourself later in life if you get into the habit of lying and manipulating, and it would be a shame to ruin your life.
post #24 of 25
It takes effort to keep lies/evasions going. Your mental energy is spent trying to remember what you said, when you said it, as well as coming up with an excuse for this or that. Not to mention the physical stress and nerves--on your stomach lining. What if they find out? What if so and so tells? What if they check my PC? It's work!

Parents won't always agree with your choices or like what you do. No one likes what anyone does 100% in a relationship. We all disappoint one another. We also delight one another, but not 100% of the time.

Take the mental energies you are using for your evasions and focus on making your relationship with your parents stronger. Write them letters. (It's like posting, except on paper. ) Show them glimpses of your heart, if you can't show them the full view. Relationships, like gardens, must be tended. Plant your seeds, give them sunshine and water, enjoy the fruits.

Parents generally love their children and want what is best for them. When you are older, and become a parent yourself, you will want your record to read: When he was young, he was respectful, kind, and honest. Aren't those the attributes you want from your son? How would you like to be treated as a parent?

Parents are people. Really. They are. Put down the tug of war rope and learn your parents as individuals. What is their favorite color? Meal? Vacation destinations? Desires? First grade teacher's name? First car they drove? First girlfriend/boyfriend. Did they ever disappoint their parents? Embarrasing moments? First jobs? Were they ever in a natural disaster? How did they feel when they found out they were having you? Ask them what movie stars they admired when they were 15. Music choices at 15. What fashion styles were popular at their high school? Have you ever looked at their yearbooks? They have a history! Do you know it? Understanding others is what makes them accessible.

Refocus your energies on you and them, not you versus them. It will make a difference.

Best Wishes,
mrsd
post #25 of 25
*thing of notice* While the specifics of the information may not be our business, I point out that there's obviously something serious that you've disclosed to some of us in PM or in another thread tht the newer people don't know of. If it's something that IS making you worry this much, perhaps, you ought to think about whenther it's something you ought to be doing in the first place, in addition as towhether you want to keep them out of the loop.
Again, It seems that I've missed the boat on something, and I don't want to over simplify things with a "if it don't hurt 'em don't tell 'em because the situation doesn't seem to be "I've had cigarettes" or some other common teen delinquency that usually is grown out of. As it seems to have you so preoccupied...it's not healthy (from what I gather). I'm not judging you because i don't have any place doing so, and I wouldn't know what I'm judging from this apple I'm eating, but I gather that it's rather important and something that directly affects both yourself and them, even if they do not know it.
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