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Why Why Why????

post #1 of 17
Thread Starter 
Why does there seem to be so much domestic violence around us????

My good friend just announced to me that she has broken up with her fiance because he beat her for a year - I HAD NO IDEA!!! She is the sweetest girl I have ever met who does not deserve this - she has two beautiful daughters. But I admire her for making the break and knowing what she needs to do, going to court and getting a restraining order against him in which he cannot go near her for a year. I told her that I will support her in any way she needs. Gosh. I really hope that she gets a good future away from him - his family is blaming her saying that she is the problem. But, thankfully, she is strong enough and smart enough to know that it is not her fault Bless her. She could do with some prayers, she is only 21, and a two time mum.

Remember the murder I was upset not too long ago? Well, it seems that the victim was a victim of domestic violence by this guy who I thought was a friend of mine.

And, my brother in law gets arrested for domestic violence against his ex fiancee - he already has a conviction in the past for assault on a female. And what made me so mad that I cried today was the fact that Jake lent him money to bail him out - and BIL said that he would pay him back but he hasn't and keeps making excuses - that is money we cannot afford to have, and we need to get bloody groceries. I am upset that he bailed out a woman abuser. I have seen his first wife on the local news campaigning against domestic violence, so it would not surprise me if he had done something to her.

I don't understand, why does domestic violence always seem to be around, its like, everywhere I look, its there. I am very grateful to have a hubby that is a gentle person and would never lay a hand on me, but I feel so bad for those who are not so lucky. I wish I could help
post #2 of 17

It is hard to live in the middle of abuse/domestic violence and equally as hard to leave it. Over time the abuser works on the mind of his victim and literally strips away the self-worth, and any positive aspects or traits the woman has.

When I was in the middle of it, I thought no one knew, but when I finally spoke out, no one was really surprised. They had seen to much of a drastic change in me to not suspect something. I applaud your friend for having the courage to leave the abuse.
post #3 of 17
Originally Posted by hissy
I applaud your friend for having the courage to leave the abuse.
I second that!!!
I myself was involved in something similar 10 years ago - abuse and worse for over a year. This boyfriend of mine did exactly what MA said :
Over time the abuser works on the mind of his victim and literally strips away the self-worth, and any positive aspects or traits the woman has
It really takes a strength of character to be able to walk away from something like this. Usually they have worked so hard on your mind that you actually DO believe that YOU are to blame and that you did something wrong and deserved it. And your friend had 2 daughters to consider - that would of helped her make a decision I would imagine.

Good on her for making this decision!!! I wish more people would get out of these situations before its too late.

and *hugs* to you Kellye - it sounds like your going through a rough time of late - be strong girl!!!
post #4 of 17
I am so sorry about your friend And I am so happy for her to get out of that relationship . Most woman are afraid to do that and end up half dead in the hospital or killed at home . And that is the truth about domestic violence . Most woman will hide it from friends and family and as Hissy said : Over time the abuser works on the mind of his victim and literally strips away the self-worth, and any positive aspects or traits the woman has.
I was in a abused relationship befor and know how true that is

I am so glad that you are there for her to be on her side . Your friend needs all the suport she can get at this time in life .
post #5 of 17
My prayers are with your friend tonight and I am so glad she is getting out of this situation! *hugs* I am lucky that although my hubby can be a major jerk at times, he would never, nor has ever, really hurt me. Seriously. If he ever did....I would not hesitate to be gone. Period. The worst thing he ever did in almost 10 years of marriage was get way too drunk and shove me into a wall, which didn't really hurt me and he was just trying to get me out of his way because he wanted to leave and I was standing there blocking his way nagging at him....I got mad because he had shoved me and because he was drunk and had threatened to take my daughter away, so I called the cops. He apologized up and down for it the next morning and felt terrible about it...he in his drunkeness (he doesn't drink often so four beers pretty much does him in) did not realize how hard he pushed me. I forgave it since it was one time in almost 10 years and 10 years of marriage is alot to give up on when the majority of the time things are okay, but told him it better not happen again, or I was gone. I agree with you...there is way too much domestic violence going on in the world today and it saddens me.
post #6 of 17
Why is there so much domestic violence? I could fill volumes on that one. Since I work in the field I will tell you this: Most of society does not give a hoot about the victims. Oh yeah they talk the talk but...
Now, I know many will not like me saying this, so I preface my remarks with I'm an lifelong animal lover too, however...There are 4 times as many animal shelters in this country than there are domestic violence shelters. What does that say about our priorities? I do not begrudge one Roosevelt Dime from the animals, but not funding enough money for the women involved in domestic violence smacks of misogyny to me.

Stats on #of Shelters
post #7 of 17
Kellye, I'm so glad your friend was strong enough to get out of the situation.

You ask why? Well, I think quite a bit of it is the still pervasive attitude among many women that they are not complete without someone else in their lives, that they cannot make it on their own. It's cr@p. No one needs a man (or woman) to be a complete person. But abusers prey on women who aren't strong enough within themselves to stand up to them, beat down the bits of self-esteem they have and then offer pretty apologies a day late and a dollar short.
post #8 of 17
I've been lucky in both my long term relations that there was no physical violence, but if they had touched me the would have got as good back before i closed the door behind me!

Your friend has made the first huge step by leaving, and i applaud her for that

Theres several women i know who are in unhappy marriages/relationships, but they feel that they can't run a house on their own?!.

I can do it and i don't need a man to help!
post #9 of 17
A lot of folks here are commending the woman when they leave the relationship...and of couse I agree and also applaud them. However what most people don't know is this: When a woman leaves this is when the violence is most likely to escalate. This is the time when most women are killed or severely maimed. Ironic isn't it? This is why we need more safe shelters or supervised temporary housing for the women and children. For the most part orders of protection are not worth the paper they are written on...certainly not after a murder.
post #10 of 17
Thread Starter 
Barbara, that is scary. How can I help her as a friend?
post #11 of 17
Oh Kellye...I wish I had an easy answer. First I would still get the order of protection. I would have her contact a domestic violence shelter and ask for assistance of what to do. Whatever she does, don't let her stay alone. Are there children involved...sorry I don't recall in your original post. I know you said her family blames her...what a shame, they would have been a safer haven for her. Can she get out of state? This is awful, she has gone through so much trauma, only to be traumatized again by her family and the system. If there is no local shelter, I know there is a national hotline #. I will find it for you. Be right back....
post #12 of 17



Just realized you might be an Aussie or NZ


New Zealand Could not find # But Safe Horizon is a worldwide them, I'm sure they are in NZ.
post #13 of 17
Thread Starter 
Barbara - she is here in NC - her family is very supportive, it is HIS family that says it is her fault - she said that they are all abusers, including his mother so I guess there is a pattern there.

I will see her tomorrow and see if she needs anything, we are meeting anyway. I admire her strength, she went into court and got the restraining order, and he has been ordered to go to anger management and counselling, which is a good thing that it has been documented. I really hope I can help her. She is just too sweet for this.
post #14 of 17
Kellye just be there for your friend. My daughter went through an extremely violent marraige. He tried to strangle her, punched her, bit her even stabbed her. It took a lot of courage for her to leave and come to me, but I was already waiting with open arms. When the abuser knows your friend has support and people who love her it may put him off harming her any more. There is no guarantee of course. But you can't be with her all day and night. Just carry on being her friend, use all your patience and understanding, because the psychological harm lasts longer than the physical symptoms. All you can do is encourage her, applaud her for each new step she makes and love her, which I know you already do.
post #15 of 17
Just google "battered-wife syndrome" for some enlightenment on this subject - I'll guarantee that you'll be totally disgusted. This is a prickly subject with me : My younger sister has been twice married, and twice divorced, from battering husbands. I almost killed a former boyfriend when he became abusive - I picked up a cast-iron frying pan, and brained him with it. My sister, who has four kids from 2 abusive husbands, obviously had more difficult decisions to make, because of the kids. We still don't see eye to eye on the choice of partners. Although the legal situation has improved over the past few decades, there are still too many male judges who take the conservative view. A man who kills his wife/partner out of jealousy gets off far too easily, IMO; a woman who kills her partner in self defense is often treated as "the guilty party", because she refused to "submit".
post #16 of 17
Kiwi, if he does not pay you soon, you could have his bail revoked if the case has not gone to court. All you have to do is tell the bondsman you decided you did not want to be responsible for him any longer.
post #17 of 17
In my marriage my husband never hit me. We even had guns in the house and I never worried about him shooting me. My ex always yelled at me. (I think there is a term for that). He accused me of seeing other men. He also hated Iowa and wanted to move;(Well, I divorced him in the early 1970's and he is still living here). I have never had any children, and I am glad of that.
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