Friends who cancel on you a lot

marge · May 30, 2004

Hi

I was wondering if any of you have friends who cancel out on you a lot and how you handle it. I have a friend who does that, and for not big reasons, stuff like "Im too tired". I am even suspicious that she might be using substances and her "I'm too tired" might be due to that. Cause even when I am tired I like to see my friends.

It's not every time at all. But more than I am used to, to where I always now consider my plans with her tentative.

part of me wants to just bail on HER permantly but we have mutual friends and the other times we do have a pleasant time. So I am confused.

tamme · May 30, 2004

Hi Marge. I am going through the same thing with a girlfriend of mine. Although her reasons are legit (my sister is coming to town unexpected and I don't want to leave my husband alone with her...) sometimes I feel, I dunno, like a doormat. I have come to expect plans with her to be terminated. In fact, last time we made plans I had totally forgotten about them when she called to cancel 8 hours in advance.

I don't know how I handle it, I mean she's a great girl and we do have a good time together when we do get together so I just say next time. I mean, she does have two...well three kids if you include her husband. So she's busy.

marge · May 30, 2004

I know, it's hard. Same thing with this person I do have sympathy in many ways. She hates her job I don't want ANYONE to do thing with me cause they HAVE to either, I want them to feel if they aren't up to it to say no. BUT I feel like a door mat too. And see to me being with friends is so key to my sense of well being that I would want to see friends even if I am exhausted.

I dunno, I tried ignoring her and that didn't work. She did start to contact me a lot. But it still always seems weird that she so easily cancels. Like I am so expendable

tamme · May 30, 2004

hmm ya, at least my friend feels totally bad when she does call.

I would just put her on the "aquaintance list" and call her once in awhile. But don't consider her on your "friend" list anymore. It should help you to relax about the whole situation.

marge · May 30, 2004

I agree, I guess I needed to sort of hear that so thanks. I don't think making friends is important to her, for whatever reason. So yeah she is on the casual list. The problem is I am very loyal, even to casual friends so in these cases I oft get screwed so gotta look out for that.

*sigh* I sometimes feel the art of friendship is dying. My Mother had such wonderful women friends. I envy that, I find it tough.

tamme · May 30, 2004

ya? My mom was so paranoid of everyone that she had no friends. So I had no one to look to for inspiration. Thus the reason why most of my friends are guys. I have one best friend and she is my landlord as well.

But I have many aquaintances that I see every couple of months. Mostly I keep in contact via e-mail. As that's the easiest way for me. Then I can keep up and not have to be stuck on the phone forever.

Sometimes, well alot if I'm to be honest, I wish my mom were like some of the other moms. Held tea parties and picnics and stuff, but no. I had to learn from my husbands mom. Who basically raised me in my teen years.

marge · May 30, 2004

Sorry about your Mom! But good you found other mentors that way. I did feel my Mothers generation, (WWII folk) made better friendships than my generation does.

Funny I have a lot of male friends too.

tamme · May 30, 2004

ya, I wouldn't worry about it. When you see her you see her and you two will have a good time. When you don't see her you can just chalk it up to being an adult in the 21st century.

Keep open for new friendships though. Don't let any bad experience sour your opinion of lady friends. One will come along. Most of my lady friends are here. On TCS.

marge · May 30, 2004

Yeah that's what I keep remembering. Life isn't this neat package, sometimes one thing doesn't work and another does.

jcat · May 30, 2004

Marge, I think the reasons why your friend cancels should determine how you react. If she cancels because "something better came up", then I wouldn't bother with her. If she simply has "too much on her plate", i.e., family and job obligations, then I'd still make an attempt to get together. My best friend has 3 kids, and they have so many sports events, etc., etc., that I sometimes wonder how she keeps up with work, the household, her kids' social lives, and her elderly father. I have to be congenial/sociable at work all week, and I sometimes find that I need "down time" on weekends, and probably wouldn't be good company. My husband and I are often invited as a couple, and there are times when we cancel because he simply feels too exhausted from work to concentrate on speaking English with our English-speaking friends. I've found myself calling people up to cancel "dates" because Jamie was being ornery and objected to my going out.

tamme · May 30, 2004

Originally Posted by jcat

I've found myself calling people up to cancel "dates" because Jamie was being ornery and objected to my going out.

ooooooh! I hate that! Total guilt trip. "But honey, I'M not going...."

marge · May 30, 2004

I do agree that the reasons matter. This case it's a lot of "Im tired" stuff, she has a house and a job. Iknow that's enough, but no kids and no second job etc. Usually it's just something simple we are doing. My sense too is she is way to aware of age, we are 10 years apart. Means nothing to me, I have friends 15 years younger and some 30 years older, but I don't think she takes me friendship seriously cause in her mind I am a kid.

cilla · May 30, 2004

Marge I so agree with you that age does not matter in the slightest. I have good friends of all different ages. I once had a friend similar to yours. She would put off our meeting on the last minute, time after time, until I began to expect it. One time I was running a craft stall in a fair and I was really excited because it was the first time I had ever sold my work, and Judith was supposed to be coming to have a look. She phoned me up the day before and said "I'm sorry I can't come tomorrow, I'm doing something else instead." I answered "That's Ok don't worry about it." She said that she knew I would say that and she fell out with me for ever. I don't understand to this day, did she want me to beg her to come or what. I'm a bit too emotionally independent for all that. Don't let her worry you, the advice people have given you is great, make her an aquaintance.

marge · May 30, 2004

Thanks for the thoughts, yeah it's ok to have casual friends here and there. in my mind I am putting very little energy into it, so if she cancels so be it.

I wonder why your friend got upset when you said that was ok? That is odd.
Are we being tested? I just don't like confrontations when it isn't someone I am close to.

cilla · May 30, 2004

I don't know why Marge. None of my other friends have ever been like that.

grissom · May 30, 2004

I think you're all right, the art of friendship is dying. I think my generation is horrid at maintaining relationships. I hardly have any friends my own age (I'm in college) and the ones I do have tend to be more mature (have houses, full time jobs, fiancees) versus the beer guzzling frat crowd. I also think people are less curteous than they used to be. I am acutally in a sort of a problem with this. My friend likes to make plans, at the last minute, and when no one can attend, we get a lecture on how we are not good friends. I recently moved and threw a housewarming party. I alerted everyone tentatively and then made positive plans 4 days in advance. Not bad, when she would make plans hours in advance. She completly jumped down my throat and I ended up pushing the date back to this Saturday because she made me feel so rotten. Well, guess what. She didn't show up becuase the plans were made too far in advance and basically, something better came up at the last minute. I just want to know what happened to common courtesy and treating others how you would be treated? That's how friendships are maintained IMO.

tamme · May 30, 2004

wow Grissom, that sucks! Did you tell her that she was hypocritical and way out of line? Doesn't sound like a good friend to me. I would also put her on my aquaintance list.

jcat · May 31, 2004

Originally Posted by Grissom

I think you're all right, the art of friendship is dying. I think my generation is horrid at maintaining relationships. I hardly have any friends my own age (I'm in college) and the ones I do have tend to be more mature (have houses, full time jobs, fiancees) versus the beer guzzling frat crowd. I also think people are less curteous than they used to be. I am acutally in a sort of a problem with this. My friend likes to make plans, at the last minute, and when no one can attend, we get a lecture on how we are not good friends. I recently moved and threw a housewarming party. I alerted everyone tentatively and then made positive plans 4 days in advance. Not bad, when she would make plans hours in advance. She completly jumped down my throat and I ended up pushing the date back to this Saturday because she made me feel so rotten. Well, guess what. She didn't show up becuase the plans were made too far in advance and basically, something better came up at the last minute. I just want to know what happened to common courtesy and treating others how you would be treated? That's how friendships are maintained IMO.

Is this an effect of cell phones? I teach teenagers, and have teenaged nieces and nephews, and am always a bit surprised at how they just go out on weekends without concrete plans and call or send text messages to their friends to see where the most "action" is.

cougar · May 31, 2004

Between me and my friends, one of us is always bailing. The good thing though, is that we like to do things with like 4 or 5 people, so if one cancels we can still have a good time. They cancel because they're doing something else, or just don't feel like it. We're all still good friends. I cancel sometimes just because I don't feel like being with anyone. Seems pretty normal to me.

Later,
Brandon

Friends who cancel on you a lot

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