I got this via email today. I don't know who wrote it but its definitely true.
Dear Dog and Cat,
When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions
with each other so there are still two of you in the way. The dishes
with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes
are mine and contain my food. (Please note, placing a paw print in the
middle of my plate & food does not stake a claim for it becoming your
food & dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating
me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I
fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry
about this. Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure
your comfort . Look at videos of dogs and ca ts sleeping. They can
actually curl up in a ball. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular
to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. (I also
know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the
other end to maximize space used is nothing but sarcasm.)
My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by
some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not
necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob, or get your paw
under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the
same door I entered. (In addition, I have been using the bathroom for
years...canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.)
The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog's or cat's
butt. I cannot stress this enough. It would be such a simple change
for you.
To pacify you I have posted the following message on our front
door.....
Rules for Non-pet owners who visit and like to complain about our pets:
1. They live here; you don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.
3. I like my pet better than I like most people.
4. To you it's an animal. To me he and/or she is an adopted son and/or
daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and is speech
challenged. Dogs and cats are better than kids. They eat less, don't
ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when
called, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug using friends,
don't drink or smoke, don't worry about buying the latest fashions,
don't wear your clothes, and don't need a gazillion dollars for college.
Dear Dog and Cat,
When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions
with each other so there are still two of you in the way. The dishes
with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes
are mine and contain my food. (Please note, placing a paw print in the
middle of my plate & food does not stake a claim for it becoming your
food & dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating
me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I
fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry
about this. Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure
your comfort . Look at videos of dogs and ca ts sleeping. They can
actually curl up in a ball. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular
to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. (I also
know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the
other end to maximize space used is nothing but sarcasm.)
My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by
some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not
necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob, or get your paw
under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the
same door I entered. (In addition, I have been using the bathroom for
years...canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.)
The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog's or cat's
butt. I cannot stress this enough. It would be such a simple change
for you.
To pacify you I have posted the following message on our front
door.....
Rules for Non-pet owners who visit and like to complain about our pets:
1. They live here; you don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.
3. I like my pet better than I like most people.
4. To you it's an animal. To me he and/or she is an adopted son and/or
daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and is speech
challenged. Dogs and cats are better than kids. They eat less, don't
ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when
called, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug using friends,
don't drink or smoke, don't worry about buying the latest fashions,
don't wear your clothes, and don't need a gazillion dollars for college.
