Folks, I have been through most of the threads here. There's sadness, happiness, the funny things our cats do, health tips, even a political forum where things get heated at times, but what about just plain humor? How about posting funny jokes, funny things with cats, or funny things that have happened to you, even jokes people send you on e-mail? Keep them clean. Now maybe these jokes belong on the IMO forum, but I'm still a young cat and am not allowed to go there.
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Anybody Have Any Good Jokes?
- Thread starter caspar
- Start Date
The Talking Dog
Mike sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. Mike goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks. "Yep," the mutt replies. "So, what's your story?"
The mutt looks up and says, "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running.
The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals.
Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired. Mike is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
The owner says, "Ten dollars." Mike says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?" The owner replies- "He's such a liar he didn't do any of that rubbish. And whatever he tells you about me don't believe him."
Mike sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. Mike goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks. "Yep," the mutt replies. "So, what's your story?"
The mutt looks up and says, "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running.
The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals.
Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired. Mike is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
The owner says, "Ten dollars." Mike says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?" The owner replies- "He's such a liar he didn't do any of that rubbish. And whatever he tells you about me don't believe him."
- Thread Starter Thread Starter
- #3
O.K., Ladies---here's some womens' lib stuff for ya'll
Barbara Walters of 20/20 (USA) did a story on gender roles in Kabul
several years before the Afghan conflict. She noted that women customarily
walked about 5 paces behind their husbands.
She returned to Kabul recently and observed that women still walk
behind their husbands, but now seem to walk even further back and are happy
with the old custom.
Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, "Why do you
now seem happy with the old custom that you used to try and change?"
"Land mines," said the woman
Barbara Walters of 20/20 (USA) did a story on gender roles in Kabul
several years before the Afghan conflict. She noted that women customarily
walked about 5 paces behind their husbands.
She returned to Kabul recently and observed that women still walk
behind their husbands, but now seem to walk even further back and are happy
with the old custom.
Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, "Why do you
now seem happy with the old custom that you used to try and change?"
"Land mines," said the woman
ADULT:
A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
BEAUTY PARLOR:
A place where women curl up and dye.
CANNIBAL:
Someone who is fed up with people.
CHICKENS:
The ! only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
COMMITTEE:
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
DUST:
Mud with the juice squeezed out.
EGOTIST:
Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
GOSSIP:
A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more dam age.
HANDKERCHIEF:
Cold Storage.
INFLATION:
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
MOSQUITO:
An insect! that makes you like flies better.
RAISIN:
Grape with a sunburn.
SECRET:
Something you tell to one person at a time.
SKELETON:
A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.
TOOTHACHE:
The pain that drives you to extraction.
TOMORROW:
One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.
YAWN:
An honest opinion openly expressed.
A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
BEAUTY PARLOR:
A place where women curl up and dye.
CANNIBAL:
Someone who is fed up with people.
CHICKENS:
The ! only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
COMMITTEE:
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
DUST:
Mud with the juice squeezed out.
EGOTIST:
Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
GOSSIP:
A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more dam age.
HANDKERCHIEF:
Cold Storage.
INFLATION:
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
MOSQUITO:
An insect! that makes you like flies better.
RAISIN:
Grape with a sunburn.
SECRET:
Something you tell to one person at a time.
SKELETON:
A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.
TOOTHACHE:
The pain that drives you to extraction.
TOMORROW:
One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.
YAWN:
An honest opinion openly expressed.
- Thread Starter Thread Starter
- #5
Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they
get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven:
"Don't Step on the Ducks."
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the
place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck. Although they
try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on
one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St.
Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping
on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"
The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck, and
along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, and with him is
another extremely ugly man. He chains them together for eternity as
well.
The third woman has observed all this and not wanting to be chained
for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she
steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks. Then
one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has
ever laid her eyes on. very tan, muscular and sexy. St.Peter chains
them together without saying a word.
The woman remarks, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to
you for all eternity?"
The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck."
get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven:
"Don't Step on the Ducks."
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the
place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck. Although they
try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on
one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St.
Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping
on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"
The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck, and
along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, and with him is
another extremely ugly man. He chains them together for eternity as
well.
The third woman has observed all this and not wanting to be chained
for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she
steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks. Then
one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has
ever laid her eyes on. very tan, muscular and sexy. St.Peter chains
them together without saying a word.
The woman remarks, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to
you for all eternity?"
The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck."
This made me laugh. Hope you guys get some chuckles, too.
A farmer had five female pigs and, as times were hard, he had decided to
take them to the county fair and sell them.
While at the fair, he met another farmer who owned five male pigs. After
talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50.
The farmers lived sixty miles away from one another and so they agreed to
drive thirty miles and find a field in which to mate their pigs.
The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5 AM., loaded
the pigs into the family station wagon, which was the only vehicle they had,
and drove the thirty miles.
While the pigs were mating, he asked the other farmer, "How will we know
if they are pregnant?" The other farmer replied, "If they're in the grass
grazing in the morning, then they're pregnant, if they're in the mud, then
they're not."
The next morning they were rolling in the mud, so he hosed them off,
loaded them again into the family station wagon and proceeded to try again.
This continued each morning the following week until one morning the
farmer was so tired that he couldn't get out of bed.
He called to his wife, "Honey, please look outside and tell me if the
pigs are in the mud or in the field."
"Neither," yelled his wife, "they're in the station wagon and one
of them is honking the horn!!!"
A farmer had five female pigs and, as times were hard, he had decided to
take them to the county fair and sell them.
While at the fair, he met another farmer who owned five male pigs. After
talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50.
The farmers lived sixty miles away from one another and so they agreed to
drive thirty miles and find a field in which to mate their pigs.
The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5 AM., loaded
the pigs into the family station wagon, which was the only vehicle they had,
and drove the thirty miles.
While the pigs were mating, he asked the other farmer, "How will we know
if they are pregnant?" The other farmer replied, "If they're in the grass
grazing in the morning, then they're pregnant, if they're in the mud, then
they're not."
The next morning they were rolling in the mud, so he hosed them off,
loaded them again into the family station wagon and proceeded to try again.
This continued each morning the following week until one morning the
farmer was so tired that he couldn't get out of bed.
He called to his wife, "Honey, please look outside and tell me if the
pigs are in the mud or in the field."
"Neither," yelled his wife, "they're in the station wagon and one
of them is honking the horn!!!"
HUSBANDS AND HOUSEWORK
One day the housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to his wife, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," she replied. What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, " TORONTO MAPLE LEAFS"
And they say blondes are dumb.
One day the housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to his wife, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," she replied. What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, " TORONTO MAPLE LEAFS"
And they say blondes are dumb.
- Thread Starter Thread Starter
- #8
Catholic Elementary School Test
Pay special attention to the wording and spelling. If
you know the Bible, even a little, you'll find this hilarious! It
comes from a Catholic elementary school test. Kids were asked questions about the Old and New Testaments. The following statements about the Bible were written by children. They have not been retouched or corrected (i.e., incorrect spelling has been left in).
1. In the first book of the bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.
2. Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.
Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark, which the animals come on to in pears.
3. Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.
4. The Jews wer e a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals.
5. Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.
6. Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.
7. Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.
8. The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert.
Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten amendments.
9. The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat
the apple.
10. The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit
adultery.
11. Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then
Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.
12. The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
13. David was a hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical
times.
14. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
15. When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.
16. When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager.
17. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate
contraption.
18. St. John the blacksmith dumped water on his head.
19. Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do
one to others before they do one to you. He also explained, a man doth not live by sweat alone.
20. It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and
managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.
21. The people who followed the lord were called the 12 decibels.
22. The epistles were the wives of the apostles.
23. One of the oppossums was St. Matthew who was also
a taximan.
24. St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.
25. Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony.
Pay special attention to the wording and spelling. If
you know the Bible, even a little, you'll find this hilarious! It
comes from a Catholic elementary school test. Kids were asked questions about the Old and New Testaments. The following statements about the Bible were written by children. They have not been retouched or corrected (i.e., incorrect spelling has been left in).
1. In the first book of the bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.
2. Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.
Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark, which the animals come on to in pears.
3. Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.
4. The Jews wer e a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals.
5. Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.
6. Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.
7. Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.
8. The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert.
Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten amendments.
9. The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat
the apple.
10. The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit
adultery.
11. Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then
Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.
12. The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
13. David was a hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical
times.
14. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
15. When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.
16. When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager.
17. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate
contraption.
18. St. John the blacksmith dumped water on his head.
19. Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do
one to others before they do one to you. He also explained, a man doth not live by sweat alone.
20. It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and
managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.
21. The people who followed the lord were called the 12 decibels.
22. The epistles were the wives of the apostles.
23. One of the oppossums was St. Matthew who was also
a taximan.
24. St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.
25. Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony.
And straight from prime time TV, a trip down memory lane (for some of us!)...
For those who remember the Hollywood Squares. From the original
Hollywood Squares TV show. These are from the days when game show
responses were spontaneous and not scripted like they are now.
Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, you should be at least how
high?
A Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
Q True or false...a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A George Gobel: Boy it sure seems that way sometimes...
Q You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or
a woman?
A Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.
Q According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think
he's really attractive, is it okay to come out directly and ask him if
he's married?
A Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.
Q Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.
Q In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I love you"?
A Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.
Q What are "Do It", "I Can Help" and "Can't Get Enough"?
A George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.
Q As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your
hands while you are talking?
A Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing older question, Peter...and
I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget!
Q Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
Q Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to
get any during your first year?
A Charley Weaver: Of course not, Peter. I'm too busy growing
strawberries!
Q In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
Q It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist
camps. One is politics. What is the other?
A Paul Lynde: Tape measures.
Q During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A Rose Marie: Unfortunately, Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.
Q Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
Q When you pat a dog on its head he will usually wag his tail. What
will a goose do?
A Paul Lynde: Make him bark.
Q If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.
Q According to Ann Landers, is their anything wrong with getting into
the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army!
Q Is it possible for the puppies in a litter to have more than one
daddy?
A Paul Lynde: Why, that bitch!
Q While visiting China, your tour guide starts shouting "Poo! Poo!
Poo!" What does that mean?
A George Gobel: Cattle crossing.
Q It is the most abused and neglected part of your body - what is it?
A Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused but it certainly isn't neglected!
Q Charley, what do you call a pig that weighs more than 150 pounds?
A Charley Weaver: A divorcee.
Q Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his
head, what was he trying to do?
A George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
Q Dennis Weaver, Debbie Reynolds, and Shelley Winters star in the
movie "What's The Matter With Helen?" Who plays Helen?
A Charley Weaver: Dennis Weaver - that's why they asked the question.
Q Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your
elephant?
A Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
Q When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for it's sex?
A Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car. The rest is up to him.
Q James Stewart did it over twenty years ago when he was forty-one
years old. Now he says it was "one of the best things I ever did." What
was it?
A Marty Allen: Rhonda Fleming.
Q Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and
has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A Charley Weaver: His feet.
Q Do female frogs croak?
A Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.
Q Imagine you are a child in your mother's womb, can you detect light?
A Paul Lynde: Only during ballet practice.
For those who remember the Hollywood Squares. From the original
Hollywood Squares TV show. These are from the days when game show
responses were spontaneous and not scripted like they are now.
Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, you should be at least how
high?
A Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
Q True or false...a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A George Gobel: Boy it sure seems that way sometimes...
Q You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or
a woman?
A Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.
Q According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think
he's really attractive, is it okay to come out directly and ask him if
he's married?
A Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.
Q Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.
Q In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I love you"?
A Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.
Q What are "Do It", "I Can Help" and "Can't Get Enough"?
A George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.
Q As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your
hands while you are talking?
A Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing older question, Peter...and
I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget!
Q Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
Q Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to
get any during your first year?
A Charley Weaver: Of course not, Peter. I'm too busy growing
strawberries!
Q In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
Q It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist
camps. One is politics. What is the other?
A Paul Lynde: Tape measures.
Q During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A Rose Marie: Unfortunately, Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.
Q Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
Q When you pat a dog on its head he will usually wag his tail. What
will a goose do?
A Paul Lynde: Make him bark.
Q If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.
Q According to Ann Landers, is their anything wrong with getting into
the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army!
Q Is it possible for the puppies in a litter to have more than one
daddy?
A Paul Lynde: Why, that bitch!
Q While visiting China, your tour guide starts shouting "Poo! Poo!
Poo!" What does that mean?
A George Gobel: Cattle crossing.
Q It is the most abused and neglected part of your body - what is it?
A Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused but it certainly isn't neglected!
Q Charley, what do you call a pig that weighs more than 150 pounds?
A Charley Weaver: A divorcee.
Q Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his
head, what was he trying to do?
A George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
Q Dennis Weaver, Debbie Reynolds, and Shelley Winters star in the
movie "What's The Matter With Helen?" Who plays Helen?
A Charley Weaver: Dennis Weaver - that's why they asked the question.
Q Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your
elephant?
A Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
Q When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for it's sex?
A Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car. The rest is up to him.
Q James Stewart did it over twenty years ago when he was forty-one
years old. Now he says it was "one of the best things I ever did." What
was it?
A Marty Allen: Rhonda Fleming.
Q Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and
has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A Charley Weaver: His feet.
Q Do female frogs croak?
A Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.
Q Imagine you are a child in your mother's womb, can you detect light?
A Paul Lynde: Only during ballet practice.
Caspar! The one about the ducks my brother told me a couple years ago, and it is hilarious!
and number 10 on the other list...thou shalt not admit adultry! Too funny!!!!
Here are some silly and yes, stupid but funny ones...
Ever hear about the "smart" dog that was so excited to go to the vets? Know why? He even said to his friends as he was leaving.....be back soon...going somewhre to be tutored!
Here are a couple really lame Easter jokes...
Why was the Easter bunny in a bad mood? .......he was having a bad hair (hare) day
What is the Easter bunnies favorite story?....A cottontail
geez....I know a whole bunch of really good jokes, but do you think I can think of them right now????
Let me sleep on it...I'll do better, I promise!
Here are some silly and yes, stupid but funny ones...
Ever hear about the "smart" dog that was so excited to go to the vets? Know why? He even said to his friends as he was leaving.....be back soon...going somewhre to be tutored!
Here are a couple really lame Easter jokes...
Why was the Easter bunny in a bad mood? .......he was having a bad hair (hare) day
What is the Easter bunnies favorite story?....A cottontail
geez....I know a whole bunch of really good jokes, but do you think I can think of them right now????
Being a blonde (this week, at least), I like "dumb man jokes":
How do you get a man to do situps?
Put the remote between his feet.
What is a man's idea of a seven course meal?
A hot dog and a six-pack.
How does a man get exercise, at the beach?
By sucking in his stomach, every time a girl in a bikini walks by.
How do you get a man to do situps?
Put the remote between his feet.
What is a man's idea of a seven course meal?
A hot dog and a six-pack.
How does a man get exercise, at the beach?
By sucking in his stomach, every time a girl in a bikini walks by.
I'll continue the "kicking men to the curb" jokes.
Women are like apples on trees.The best ones are at the top of the
tree.Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they
are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they just get the rotten
apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy.......
So the apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in
reality, they're amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to
come along, the one who's brave enough to climb all the way to the
top of the tree.
And...Men are like a fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it's up
to women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something
acceptable to have dinner with.
Sue
Women are like apples on trees.The best ones are at the top of the
tree.Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they
are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they just get the rotten
apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy.......
So the apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in
reality, they're amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to
come along, the one who's brave enough to climb all the way to the
top of the tree.
And...Men are like a fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it's up
to women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something
acceptable to have dinner with.
Sue
Switching gears, here:
You just might be a redneck if.......
you grow your sideburns longer and thicker, because it looks so good - on your sister.
you've ever worn a tube top - to a wedding.
you've ever looked at woman and thought "nice tooth".
you wear a dress that is strapless - with a bra that isn't.
You just might be a redneck if.......
you grow your sideburns longer and thicker, because it looks so good - on your sister.
you've ever worn a tube top - to a wedding.
you've ever looked at woman and thought "nice tooth".
you wear a dress that is strapless - with a bra that isn't.
Bluenecks
Blue Necks are Northerners -- the opposite of Rednecks. Because of all the Redneck jokes, here are some takes on how Southern folks look at Northerners
(or how Northerners sometimes think of themselves). YOU JUST MIGHT BE A BLUE NECK IF . . .
**Instead of referring to two or more people as "Y'all," you call them "you guys," even if both of them are women.
**You think barbecue is a verb meaning "to cook outside."
**You think Heinz Ketchup is really SPICY.
**You would never stop to buy something somebody was cooking on the side of the road. (e.g., boiled peanuts)
**You don't have any problems pronouncing "Worcestershire sauce" correctly.
**For breakfast, you would prefer potatoes-au-gratin to grits.
**You don't know what a moon pie is.
**You've never had an RC Cola.
**You've never, ever eaten okra -- fried, boiled, or pickled.
**You eat fried chicken with a knife and fork.
**You've never seen a live chicken, and the only cows you've seen are on road trips.
**You have no idea what a polecat is.
**You don't see anything wrong with putting a sweater on your dog.
**You don't have bangs.
**You would rather have your son become a lawyer than grow up to get his own TV fishing show.
**You drink either "Pop" or "Soda"- instead of "Cokes."
**You've never eaten and don't know how to make a tomato sandwich.
**You have never planned your summer vacation around a gun-'n-knife show.
**You think more money should go to important scientific research at your university than to pay the salary of the head football coach.
**You don't even have one can of WD-40 somewhere around the house.
**The last time you smiled was when you blocked someone from getting on an on-ramp to the highway.
**You don't have any hats in your closet that advertise feed stores.
**You have more than one professional sports team in your home state.
**You call binoculars opera glasses.
**You can't spit out the car window without pulling over to the side of the road and stopping.
**You don't know anyone with at least two first names (i.e., Joe Bob, Faye Ellen, Billy Ray, Mary Jo, Bubba Dean, Joe Dan, Mary Alice).
**You don't know any women with male names (i.e., Tommie, Bobbie, Johnnie, Jimmie).
**You don't have Maw-maw's & Pawpaw's.
**You get freaked out when people on the subway talk to you.
**None of your fur coats are homemade.
Blue Necks are Northerners -- the opposite of Rednecks. Because of all the Redneck jokes, here are some takes on how Southern folks look at Northerners
(or how Northerners sometimes think of themselves). YOU JUST MIGHT BE A BLUE NECK IF . . .
**Instead of referring to two or more people as "Y'all," you call them "you guys," even if both of them are women.
**You think barbecue is a verb meaning "to cook outside."
**You think Heinz Ketchup is really SPICY.
**You would never stop to buy something somebody was cooking on the side of the road. (e.g., boiled peanuts)
**You don't have any problems pronouncing "Worcestershire sauce" correctly.
**For breakfast, you would prefer potatoes-au-gratin to grits.
**You don't know what a moon pie is.
**You've never had an RC Cola.
**You've never, ever eaten okra -- fried, boiled, or pickled.
**You eat fried chicken with a knife and fork.
**You've never seen a live chicken, and the only cows you've seen are on road trips.
**You have no idea what a polecat is.
**You don't see anything wrong with putting a sweater on your dog.
**You don't have bangs.
**You would rather have your son become a lawyer than grow up to get his own TV fishing show.
**You drink either "Pop" or "Soda"- instead of "Cokes."
**You've never eaten and don't know how to make a tomato sandwich.
**You have never planned your summer vacation around a gun-'n-knife show.
**You think more money should go to important scientific research at your university than to pay the salary of the head football coach.
**You don't even have one can of WD-40 somewhere around the house.
**The last time you smiled was when you blocked someone from getting on an on-ramp to the highway.
**You don't have any hats in your closet that advertise feed stores.
**You have more than one professional sports team in your home state.
**You call binoculars opera glasses.
**You can't spit out the car window without pulling over to the side of the road and stopping.
**You don't know anyone with at least two first names (i.e., Joe Bob, Faye Ellen, Billy Ray, Mary Jo, Bubba Dean, Joe Dan, Mary Alice).
**You don't know any women with male names (i.e., Tommie, Bobbie, Johnnie, Jimmie).
**You don't have Maw-maw's & Pawpaw's.
**You get freaked out when people on the subway talk to you.
**None of your fur coats are homemade.
- Thread Starter Thread Starter
- #15
Hmm! Go away for awhile, and this place picks up. Well, here's some military humor.
Having just moved into his new office, a pompous, new colonel was
sitting at his desk when an airman knocked on the door. Conscious of his
new position, the colonel quickly picked up the phone, told the airman
to enter, then said into the phone, "Yes, General, I'll be seeing him
this afternoon and I'll pass along your message. In the meantime, thank
you for your good wishes, sir." Feeling as though he had sufficiently
impressed the young enlisted man, he asked, "What do you want?" "Nothing
important, sir," the airman replied, "I'm just here to hook up your
telephone."
Officer: "Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?" Soldier: "Sure,
buddy." Officer: "That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it
again!" Officer: "Soldier. Do you have change for a dollar?" Soldier:
"No, SIR!"
Q: How do you know if there is a fighter pilot at your party? A: He'll
tell you. Q: What's the difference between God and fighter pilots A: God
doesn't think he's a fighter pilot.
Having just moved into his new office, a pompous, new colonel was
sitting at his desk when an airman knocked on the door. Conscious of his
new position, the colonel quickly picked up the phone, told the airman
to enter, then said into the phone, "Yes, General, I'll be seeing him
this afternoon and I'll pass along your message. In the meantime, thank
you for your good wishes, sir." Feeling as though he had sufficiently
impressed the young enlisted man, he asked, "What do you want?" "Nothing
important, sir," the airman replied, "I'm just here to hook up your
telephone."
Officer: "Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?" Soldier: "Sure,
buddy." Officer: "That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it
again!" Officer: "Soldier. Do you have change for a dollar?" Soldier:
"No, SIR!"
Q: How do you know if there is a fighter pilot at your party? A: He'll
tell you. Q: What's the difference between God and fighter pilots A: God
doesn't think he's a fighter pilot.
A Marine and a sailor were at adjacent urinals. The Marine finished, zipped up and proceeded out of the men's room.
"In the Navy, they teach us to wash our hands, after urinating," said the sailor.
The Marine replied, "In the Marine Corps, they teach us not to pee on our hands!"
"In the Navy, they teach us to wash our hands, after urinating," said the sailor.
The Marine replied, "In the Marine Corps, they teach us not to pee on our hands!"
Curtain rods
Revenge is sweet!
After 30 years of marriage, a man dumped his wife for his young
secretary. His new girlfriend demanded that she wanted to live in the
couple's multi-million dollar home, and since the man's lawyers were a
little better, he prevailed. He gave his now ex-wife just 3 days to
move out.
She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates
and suitcases. On the second day, she had the movers come and collect
her things. On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their
beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background
music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of
Chardonnay. When she had finished, she went into each and every room
and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells, dipped in caviar, into
the hollow of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.
When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the
first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried
everything; cleaning & mopping and airing the place out.
Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned.
Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to
set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days,
and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting.
Nothing worked. People stopped coming over to visit...
Repairmen refused to work in the house...The maid quit...
Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.
A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out, and eventually, even the local realtors refused to return their calls.
Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase
a new place. The ex-wife called the man, and asked how things were going.
He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely, and said
that she missed her old home terribly, and would be willing to reduce her
divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back... Knowing his
ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was
about 1/10th of what the house had been worth... But only if she were to
sign the papers that very day. She agreed, and within the hour, his lawyers
delivered the paperwork.
A week later, the man and his new girlfriend stood smirking as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home... ...including the curtain rods.
Revenge is sweet!
After 30 years of marriage, a man dumped his wife for his young
secretary. His new girlfriend demanded that she wanted to live in the
couple's multi-million dollar home, and since the man's lawyers were a
little better, he prevailed. He gave his now ex-wife just 3 days to
move out.
She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates
and suitcases. On the second day, she had the movers come and collect
her things. On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their
beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background
music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of
Chardonnay. When she had finished, she went into each and every room
and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells, dipped in caviar, into
the hollow of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.
When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the
first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried
everything; cleaning & mopping and airing the place out.
Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned.
Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to
set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days,
and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting.
Nothing worked. People stopped coming over to visit...
Repairmen refused to work in the house...The maid quit...
Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.
A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out, and eventually, even the local realtors refused to return their calls.
Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase
a new place. The ex-wife called the man, and asked how things were going.
He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely, and said
that she missed her old home terribly, and would be willing to reduce her
divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back... Knowing his
ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was
about 1/10th of what the house had been worth... But only if she were to
sign the papers that very day. She agreed, and within the hour, his lawyers
delivered the paperwork.
A week later, the man and his new girlfriend stood smirking as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home... ...including the curtain rods.
- Thread Starter Thread Starter
- #18
Next time performance reviews have to be done, perhaps some of these
will be useful.These Quotes were taken from actual employee
performance evaluations:
"I would not allow this employee to breed"
"This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a
definite won't be."
"Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a
rat in a trap."
"When she opens her mouth, it seems it is only to change feet."
"He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."
"This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
"He sets his personal standards low, and consistently fails to
achieve them."
"This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."
"This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the
better."
"Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all
together."
"A gross ignoramus---144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."
"He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless."
"He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."
"I would like to go hunting with him sometime."
"He's been working with glue too much."
"He would argue with a signpost."
"He has a knack for making strangers immediately."
"He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."
"When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."
"If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's
the other one."
"He has a photographic memory, but with the lens cover glued on."
"A prime candidate for natural deselection."
"Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."
"Gates are down, lights are flashing, but the train isn't
coming."
"Has two brains: one is lost and the other is out looking for
it."
"If she were any more stupid, she'd have to be watered twice a
week."
"If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."
"If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the oceans."
"Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."
"Takes him an hour and a half to watch 60 Minutes."
"The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead."
will be useful.These Quotes were taken from actual employee
performance evaluations:
"I would not allow this employee to breed"
"This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a
definite won't be."
"Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a
rat in a trap."
"When she opens her mouth, it seems it is only to change feet."
"He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."
"This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
"He sets his personal standards low, and consistently fails to
achieve them."
"This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."
"This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the
better."
"Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all
together."
"A gross ignoramus---144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."
"He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless."
"He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."
"I would like to go hunting with him sometime."
"He's been working with glue too much."
"He would argue with a signpost."
"He has a knack for making strangers immediately."
"He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."
"When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."
"If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's
the other one."
"He has a photographic memory, but with the lens cover glued on."
"A prime candidate for natural deselection."
"Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."
"Gates are down, lights are flashing, but the train isn't
coming."
"Has two brains: one is lost and the other is out looking for
it."
"If she were any more stupid, she'd have to be watered twice a
week."
"If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."
"If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the oceans."
"Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."
"Takes him an hour and a half to watch 60 Minutes."
"The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead."
- Thread Starter Thread Starter
- #19
Biblical passages
A new pastor moved into town and went out one Saturday to
visit his parishioners. All went well until he came to one
house. It was obvious that someone was home, but no one came
to the door even after he had knocked several times.
Finally, he took out his card, wrote on the back "Revelation
3:20 " and stuck it in the door. The next day, as he was
counting the offering he found his card in the collection
plate. Below his message was notation "Genesis 3:10" .
Revelation 3:20 reads: "Behold, I stand at the door and
knock. If any man hear my voice, and opens the door, I will
come in to him, and will dine with him, and he with me."
Genesis 3:10 reads: "And he said, I heard thy voice in the
garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked."
A new pastor moved into town and went out one Saturday to
visit his parishioners. All went well until he came to one
house. It was obvious that someone was home, but no one came
to the door even after he had knocked several times.
Finally, he took out his card, wrote on the back "Revelation
3:20 " and stuck it in the door. The next day, as he was
counting the offering he found his card in the collection
plate. Below his message was notation "Genesis 3:10" .
Revelation 3:20 reads: "Behold, I stand at the door and
knock. If any man hear my voice, and opens the door, I will
come in to him, and will dine with him, and he with me."
Genesis 3:10 reads: "And he said, I heard thy voice in the
garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked."
These are great!!
Would you believe I had a joke in my mind to post in this thread when I first got here, now after reading all of these other jokes, I can't remember the one I was going to post!!!
Maybe it will come to me later.
