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i'm feeling blue

post #1 of 16
Thread Starter 
I received a letter in the mail yesterday from my mom, who only lives about 45 mintues away from me. It made me and I still do. She said that I have less of a heart than what she thought after inviting me and my husband over for dinner the other night. I told her no because we had plans. For her to say I have no heart hurts me really bad. I never would have said that to her or my dad. Now, I don't even want to talk to her. I wont go into detail because it was a long letter, but she said it was to help me understand not to make me angry.
post #2 of 16
Aw, Tigger, I'm sorry. I can't imagine a parent saying a thing like that to their child, even when the child is an adult. And doesn't it seem like people say "I'm only telling you all this horrible stuff about yourself for your own good" when what they really mean is "I'm really hurt about this so I'm going to completely trash you while pretending to be your friend so you will feel even worse than I do" . I don't blame you for wanting to avoid her for a while. It sounds like she isn't acting very maturely about it. Maybe you'll be able to talk to her about it after a while, but unfortunately you're probably going to have the be the one who is the adult here.

{{hug}} I think it stinks and you were treated badly.
post #3 of 16
Oh Tigger, I am so sorry that you are so hurt. It's only the people that we love that can hurt us so bad. Remember that mum's, even older mum's can have crappy days too, and this letter as much as it hurt you is more about HER than it is about you.

Write a REALLY honest long letter to your mother about how you feel. Then destroy it.

I think as we get older and we have our own lives and responsibilities, our parents can feel a little rejected and even jealous of us. It's very sad that your mother hurt you with her letter, but don't let it create a rift between you both.

I agree with Sunlion that you may have to be the one to act maturely. Meanwhile..... ((((((((((SUPERHUGS))))))))))))))

post #4 of 16

Dear Tigger :angel2:

I just wrote a huge response; then I read Sunlion's and Boo's...I must say that they are both very perceptive and reasonable women and I would definitly do as they suggested!

Your Mom will probably call you very soon and apologize...


PS...Smile sweetie...it'll be okay
post #5 of 16
I feel for you, Tig.

Your mom sounds very similar to mine- easily offended and quite sensitive. I usually just wait for her to calm down and let her come to me when she's ready. Just keep reminding yourself that the problem is hers--you're not at fault.
post #6 of 16
It's not your fault that you couldn't see your mom when she wanted you to. I agree with everyone elses responses, let her calm down and wait for her to call you.
I think you are a super terrific person!
post #7 of 16

I can sympathize.

I am 37 years old, and married. I have my own life.

I love my parents DEEPLY, more than they think.

My parents were emotionally dependant on my to an extreme that I developed panic attacks, and my health was going down hill. I didn't want to hurt them, but didn't know how to live with their dependance. They would call me constantly, make me feel guilty if I said I had something else I needed to do, or didn't want my mother at my house every other day. She and my father never understood.

So, after 35 years of this, I had a MAJOR panic blow up. I became very sick, from holding in how I felt, that I loved them to death, but they needed to give me some space. Previously,I dropped numerous hints and tactful statements, but all to no avail. It finally came to a head when I had it out with them, tried to explain, and what I got was the continuous line "but youre our dauuuughter.. you should be hearing all our problems, be there to take care of us, that's what children are for, you don't care how we feel!!!!.......etc....

Well, I had been in therapy, and my therapist told me that my parental home and upbringing was beyond the dysfunctional scale. She told me not to feel guilty, I am an adult, have my own life, and my parents are healthy and still young (mid sixties.) But they DON'T WANT ANY FRIENDS, AND NEVER HAVE.
I was their ONLY friend. That is so unhealthy. I became sick, because I could not bring myself to hurt them, I loved them so much.

Anyway, the short story of a long one is that I had to take a break. My father started it by disowning me about 3 ? years ago. I became the "ungrateful, selfish, horrible daughter"... this DEVASTATED ME, because I could not explain calmly to him what I was trying to say. He would not listen. He never spoke to me again.

A year went by, still with communication with my mother, but it got worse, she became more fearful that I was going to abandon her....(I was not, but I needed the distance from her incessant calling and wanting me to listen to her problems, when she could have solved them herself. She wanted ME to just listen, and her to wallow. I had a life.... I couldn't take this, and became sicker. So finally I had to break it off. How horrible that was.

It is now a few years, and I have not heard from them. They live in their apartment, never leaving, my mother with dolls, and my father with TV.... This has always how it was. They won't even visit my cousin, whom they are close too.

My therapist and friends said, "if they won't try to help themselves, what can I possibly do?" I have come to understand this.

(By the way, my panic attacks have almost disappeared, and my husband says I am a new person, much less depressed, not having all that pressure and guilt. Although I do miss them TERRIBLY, it was a very unhealthy relationship for me and them. It was even affecting my husband)

Sorry to ramble here, but the point I am trying to make is that I LOVE my parents, and parents get jealous of the time their adult children spend in their own lives.

Tigger, Your mother will come around. She is using the "guilt" tactic, but loves you very much, and she will get over it.
Nothing you did is your fault. You are not responsible for how another person reacts.

I hope you find healing soon, and can accept that parents get hurt and jealous. That is usually how it is. But they get over it, cause they love you unconditionally, (my parents are the extreme, they have emotional problems, but wont go for help).

Tigger, my heart and prayers go out to you, and you and your mother will be fine. And there is no need to feel guilty about having other plans. Guilt will make you ill. Although I do know how hard it is NOT to feel guilty.

Thank you all for letting me get this out, and Tigger you WILL be okay

post #8 of 16
Tigger - I am sorry that this has happened to you -
post #9 of 16
Vjoy; Whoa! Your parents have laid some "heavy guilt" on you! I am proud of you for deciding NOT to take it anymore. It doesn't mean you don't love them. It means that you love them enough NOT to let them turn you into the same "bitter, whiney" people they have become. If they can't see this and rise above their "self-pity" to welcome you back into their lives without being judgemental, than; it is their loss. I think you are a very "valid" person with a lot of love and feelings to go around. It is a shame that they feel all this love and caring should be directed on them only. HOW SELFISH!!! This is not why we raise our children, and certainly not to make them feel "guilty" if they don't "take care of us" in our old age!!!

Tigger; I hope you will let what happened with Vjoy's parents serve as a "mirror" for you and that you can come to a better understanding with your Mom before it goes too far. Remember that you have a life outside of your parents and that has to be your main concern. Much as we try we cannot make things "perfect" for those we love, but we never stop loving them. Sometimes we seniors tend to confuse need and dependence with LOVE. Be patient with us; most of this needy dependence is rooted in "Fear" of being alone.

I promise to (try) not to preach anymore today. . . . .TLK

(God, I think I need some chocolate!
catch 'ya all later)
post #10 of 16
Thread Starter 
Unfortunately, even if I am the one to call, it won't ever change. Every time I have tried to tell them how I feel, they just turn it around. It's a no-win situation, imo. The thing about this, is that my mom's b-day is the end of September. What gets me about the letter is how she said that in the 4 years I have been married, she's only invited us over for dinner 1 time. That is not quite true...... she offered one other time, which we did go for dinner, and that was X-Mas time. SO, I don't see how she can get mad at me this time?? You know, I can bet that if I would have written the same thing, they would have been hurt, too, or downright upset. What makes it ok for a parent to say something hurtful, but not their own children?
post #11 of 16
Tigger - it is NOT OK for a parent to say (oor do) hurtful things - our children should be our most important thing - but being humnans - we often are cruel and selfish beings. Keep your head high and please but a smile on your face - you ARE valuable and caring and loving.
post #12 of 16

Speaking as a mother, we had a child because we wanted to increase the love in our family, not to serve as a sort of health care insurance for our old age. Really, if that's what your parents expected, they are way out of line. If you do your job well as a parent, you make yourself obsolete. You put all this love and energy and other resources into another person and their job is to grow up and leave you. At least to some degree. Esp. those of us who are married, our loyalty should be to our spouse not our parents.

Also (again from experience), it's very important to have a number of relationships in your life. When you have only a few, it's easy to get too dependent or to burn out and be left with nobody. Even if you only see certain friends once a month or on holidays, it's so good to know that there are other people around you then just the 2 or 3 you see every day. What if, say, you are interested in classical music and your mate isn't? Better to have a friend you go to concerts with twice a year than to deprive yourself. Goodness. Not that your parents are likely to change at this point, just thinking out loud.


Sometimes all you can do is remember they are your parents. They sound very controlling. It must be hard to love them and to take care of yourself too. But in some ways they chose this, you know. They ignored your gentler suggestions and reminders, and they chose not to include your husband in their plans. That isn't your fault. It's poor choices on their part.
post #13 of 16
Thank you SunLion...

And Tigger, what Debra said is true, you are a Valuable, caring and loving person! Please don't forget that!!!

post #14 of 16

Dear Val :angel2:

I'm so sorry to hear that you had to grow up in such an environment. I too had a very sick childhood; but I'd rather not discuss it. My Mom has been living with me for the past 14 years or so. I used to travel quite a bit, so I wasn't home all the time. Now, for the past six years, I've been home and I do feel the affects of being "the only friend my Mom has". Or it's the same way your parents have treated you; that you're the only thing in the world that matters and I feel so guilty because my Mom has no life! I am her life and it really bothers me so much that we argue about it. I can't throw her out of my home. My brother actually did that to her once while I was only 25 touring with a band. I had no idea what was going on. She was staying with him for a short while and his wife wasn't so happy with my Mom and he asked my Mom to leave. She had nothing and she stayed in her car for three days until she found a live in nurse's aid position. I found that out and my brother and I were on the outs for what seemed forever. So, I will not do that. It's not like she has anyone else. I figure one day, I will move out again and she can stay here for as long as she wants...perhaps at that time, she'll find a life of her own....I just can't wait to get back on my feet. It's been a while due to my illness, but I'm getting there. My expenses are so high because of where I live and I made a good amount of money at one time...Now, I have to regroup in order to do that once again.

I just pray that she will find a life outside "me". She could stay here if she had a zillion friends or no friends..I feel so lonely for her. I can remember when I was married, she did have some life, nothing that was particularly exciting, but she was doing stuff for herself. I was so proud of her then. Not that I love her less, she is such a great person otherwise; but damn, she's getting older and I want her to live! Her children have always been her focus. It's a long story just as everyone has thier own...and I've said enough. I just thought I'd share that with you.

Love, Peace &
post #15 of 16
Tigger, Val, and Calandra....

I am so sorry to hear about your troubles with your parents. I know how you feel. I didn't have any problems with my father at ALL, but my mom was another story. I never did anything right in her eyes, and she was ashamed of me....she even told me that.
She would constantly point out how wonderful my three brothers were, and how proud she was of them, and how her and dad had always wanted a girl, and then when they finally got one....look what they got! (boy if that didn't make me feel wonderful)
But now that they are both gone...I wish I had spent more time with her, no matter how awful she was to me. I miss her now.
I hope everything works out with you guys, and your parents...my thoughts are with you all.
post #16 of 16
Dear Catarina and Debbie

My heart goes out to both of you.

Catarina, I really do understand the situation with your mother. It is so difficult, you love your parent enough to live with her and care for her, but you feel smothered!! Yes, we want our older parents to LIVE, but it seems mostly they settle into the security net of making their children the center of their lives, which is not healthy for either one of you.

I hope you are recovering from your illness, and can get up to spead soon...You deserve a life just as much as your mother does.

And Debbie, what your mother told you, is one of the, if not THE worst things a parent can do to a child. We get our first validation from our parents, and if it starts out bad, we have no self-esteem, no self-value, and no confidence....how horrible for you to have had that happen. A parent is supposed to nurture and encourage their children, not tell them they regret having them.....I am outraged for you Debbie!!!!!

I understand the wish that you could perhaps redo or spend more time with her, but all I can say is I hope you are not to scarred by what she told you.

I feel for both of you, and thank you for sharing your stories.... we can all learn from each other.

My blessings to you, Val
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