We are not sure about the transplant idea. We are leaning towards just giving him all we can here in the time that he has left. The stress of a 5 hour car ride (to the University of Wisconsin) would be bad enough, but then just leaving him there for weeks...he would be scared to death, thinking we abandoned him. I don't want him to feel scared. Also, I am terrified that if we went that route, that he would die there, scared and without even his loved ones there to comfort him. I would hate myself forever. It is probably best for him to stay at home getting sub-q treatments and whatever else we need to do for him to keep him as healthy as possible for as long as possible. He seems very healthy now, he's playing and wanting to go outside to sit on the back patio in the sunshine with me. He's even eating some of his kidney food with a little encouragement from me.
I feel so guilty. There are so many things I should have done, or should not have done. There were times where Furball would jump up on me when I was on the computer and I would set him off me, because I was too busy, and he would just keep trying about a half dozen times till he gave up and went away. There were times where I got up late and had just a minute to check my email, and he would jump on me as soon as I hopped on the computer, but then I would be done in a minute and set him down to rush off. There were times when he wanted to play so badly and I was too busy getting ready for work or going to bed. There were times he wanted to claim a little cubbyhole, and I wouldn't move stuff out of there for him. There were times where he wanted to go outside so we could sit on the back patio in the sunshine together, and I was just too busy. I didn't brush him every day the way I should have, got too busy with heavy overtime, got out of the habit, and he got matts in his fur, which never completely got out. I gave him treats when I first got him while he was learning to use the litter box, then after that he very rarely got treats anymore. I should have given him treats for being so wonderful. There was a couple of days that I intentionally ignored him, because he was in the habit of not wanting affection from me, so I just withheld it for a couple of days so he would want it again. There were times where I was mean to him, we would sing and dance, and he would be mad and growl. Or when the teddy bear would get him. I feel like a horrible person. I know I love him, and I know he loves me, and I know that we gave him a good home. It's just that now that it's so close to the end I'm so sorry for all those little times and moments that we should have had and didn't, because of ME! I know he's happy, and that's what matters. I feel so guilty also because, why didn't I see this coming? He lost TWO pounds in the course of months, and I didn't even notice until the other day. He was only 10 pounds to start with. He lost 20% of his body weight and I didn't even notice! I am so ashamed. For several days before we figured out something was wrong, he was withdrawn, not leaving his favorite cubbyhole, even to greet us or anyone else at the door like he always does. I just thought he was being lazy, I should have known. All those times Furball wanted to snuggle in bed and I would end up moving him behind my pillow because he was inching me and Sean both off the bed, why didn't I just stay still and cuddle? When it was really heavy overtime at work, and I would get up, go to work, come home, shower, go to bed. Sure, I fed and watered him, but that was about it. He didn't get all the love and attention he deserved, because I was too tired! Even on my one day a week off work, busy busy busy, far too busy to pay attention to my baby.
I didn't even know there was anything missing in my life until he came along. I love him dearly. I'm totally falling apart. Sean keeps telling me to stop beating myself up, that Furball is happy and loves us and we were good parents to him. But I just can't stop. I have never felt so terrible in my entire life. This is the worst thing that has ever happened to me in my life, the second worst thing being the biospy experience I went through. This wins the worst. I am totally heartbroken. Furball is so wonderful, keeps such good company, snuggles when cold, wakes us up when we hit snooze on the alarm clock, makes us see the sunshine, makes us laugh all the time, gives us kisses with his little tiny scrunched in nose so he is so close his whiskers are on each side of our face tickling our cheeks, uses his paws to paw at our face when he is happy and content and being held and loved. He means so much to me, to us. I can't imagine life without him. This has me devastated. I know I will absolutely make sure he gets what he wants, whether it be love, affection, attention, playing, or going outside to sit on the back patio with us in the sunshine. If I have to get up a few hours early, go to bed an hour later every night, who cares? It's just so terribly sad that it took the realization that he is dying to make an extra effort to be good to him. I should have just done it all along. I will treasure every single moment that we have left together...hopefully we will have years of wonderful moments together.
Thanks for listening.