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What exactly are men looking for? - Page 2

post #31 of 51
Quote:
Originally Posted by GrayKittenLove
I don't think that anyone realistically expects to find the ideal person to their list of qualifications but you know what you're willing to accept and what you aren't.

I can relate to the people how aren't looking. I'm twenty-seven and I have given up looking. If someone falls into my lap great if not then I'm certainly not going to worry about it.
That was definitely me. I met my husband after I had broken up with (yet)
a(nother) complete jerk (there are plenty of those out there). I wasn't interested in starting a relationship, and although my husband is actually quite handsome (IMHO), he was not my "type". So, we started out just dating casually, taking the time to get to know one another as friends.

He has turned out to be my best friend, and we have a lot in common. If I had been actively looking for a relationship when we met, I suspect that I would have either dismissed him as "not my type", or have gotten overly anxious about the state of the relationship & scared him off. There's a lot to be said for simply enjoying your single state - it gives you time to develop your own goals and pursue your own interests. It takes the pressure off a potential relationship & allows it to bloom at its own pace, in addition to giving you the self-confidence to screen out the jerks, rather than accepting them as "better than being alone". Trust me, it's better to be alone than to put up with someone who doesn't treat you well. Plus, that way, you'll be available when a good one does finally come along.
post #32 of 51
Quote:
Originally Posted by valanhb
"Marriage isn't supposed to make you happy. It is supposed to make you married."
I love that quote!!!

I just wanted to add that I know of a professor at my university who has an ad on Match.com. He sounds pretty wonderful in the ad, despite the fact that he has been arrested multiple times for beating his wives...I could go on an on about him. But, you can run into jerks no matter where you are looking.

My advice is along the lines of many others. It is when you stop looking for love, that love will find you. And....it is only when you are truly happy living alone that you can be happy living with another person.
post #33 of 51
I am 44 and single. I have a good life, great friends, a good job and I own my home. I have Max (my furbaby) to go home to at night. I'm not saying that I could never fall in love and marry, but I'm not looking for it. It would be a huge adjustment for me.
post #34 of 51
Reading this thread, my husband's best friend came to mind. The guy is 52, and has never been married or in a long-term relationship. He has always claimed that he doesn't like German women, and wants a foreign wife. For the past ten years, he has been concentrating his efforts on thirtyish women. He's intelligent, personable, attractive, etc., but I realized a long time ago that he has practically no self-confidence when it comes to romantic relationships, and I believe that he thinks younger women will be more impressed with his finances/lifestyle and won't as easily recognize any real or imagined personal shortcomings as more experienced women. My husband thinks that H. really prefers the single life, and therefore seeks out "unsuitable partners" as a justification for remaining single (his mother still pressures him to "settle down"). So there are probably myriad reasons for a lot of these guys seeking much younger women, not just the obvious "trophy" explanation.
post #35 of 51
You know it's funny, I am really in to theater, and was just talking to a friend we were observing that theater is really hard on marriage. I mean go to a Noel Coward play, or an Oscar Wilde play. And they make cracks about it. Chekhov says if you really want to be lonely get married. Shakespeare has almost no happy marriages at all!

You know, not to offend anyone, but I don't see many of my married friends being very *equally* happy. In fact it ends up with one person being the care taker adn the other being taken care of. I have a good friend who has really low self esteem and
he married this older woman (just like in her 40's) and she quit her job immediately and now goes around saying she is retired. Meanwhile he is all stressed out. I have a female friend who is married to this controlling right wing guy and has been getting more and more withdrawn since.
Another couple the female refuses to work and so they were practically bancrupt during his unemployment. And she is such a baby, I think she just wanted to marry another father to take care of her.

To be honest the only married people I really envy are some of my parents friends who have been married forever and just have fun together. And don't seem to have all these problems about it all. But my generation doesn't seem to get it right somehow!
post #36 of 51
Thread Starter 
I have no problem with being single, even though I started the thread. But, especially at my age, most people are part of a couple, and an array of single friends to hang out with isn't all that forthcoming. I am pretty opened minded about meeting someone, but this age thing is soooo discouraging. If a 45 year old man is only looking for someone 10+ years his junior, who do I qualify for, someone with one foot in the grave???? I personally don't think age matters. My last significant relationship was with someone 15 years younger than me.
post #37 of 51
Yeah don't let the age thing bother you too much. Keep it flexible and forget about the ones who discriminate against people their own age.
post #38 of 51
Check this "Interactive Lonely Hearts Ad" out. Select the words and see the real reasons behind it plus some other information about what people look for in general.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/science/humanbo...ts/index.shtml

Have fun!
post #39 of 51
Bumpy, that was interesting.

For some reason, I can't past into here.


post #40 of 51
Quote:
Describing Yourself

Younger women emphasise attractiveness as their main selling point. Evolutionary psychologists argue that men equate attractiveness with youth, and younger women are more fertile.

You picked "Witty".
Category: Social Skills

You are emphasising what a great laugh you are to be with, this is only of moderate improtance to men. That men value social skills at all shows that they must have an interest in making relationships work. But ancestral males only required relationships to last to last until their mate was pregnant.

You picked "Educated".
Category: Wealth

You're letting him know that you have earning power, but this is way down the list of most men's priorities. They're more interested in your youth and attractiveness. Men regard this as an indicatior of your ability to bear children.

You picked "Honest".
Category: Commitment

You are giving out signals that you want a committed man, and it may surprise you that many men rate this as very important too. But this is only because they want to ensure the paternity of their children. Research shows that women tend to undervalue men's interest in commitment when they describe themselves.
Describing Your Partner

Women are the choosier of the two sexes when it comes to searching for a mate. Men know this only too well. Women are like this because they make the biggest burden in parenting. Twenty-something women are the choosiest of all. This is because women's market value on the dating circuit peaks in their late 20s and then sharply declines. This is largely related to their fertility, which also declines once women hit their 30s. Women usually prefer a male who is about five years older than they are, because older men are likely to be more wealthy.

You picked "Good sense of humour".
Category: Social Skills

Grunting neanderthals are a real turn-off for you. Your man needs to be have the gift of the gab. Social skills are second only to commitment in the list of qualities women value in men. Ancestral females appealed to men's social skills to give them an incentive to stay around and rear children. Women believe male attractiveness and social skills go hand in hand.

You picked "Trustworthy, Reliable".
Category: Commitment

You find a man with a roving eye a real turn off. Your man better show you the ultimate in devotion, or he'll be out the door. Women want a partner who is loyal and will stick around to rear their child. commitment is therefore the quality most often requested by women advertising in personal ads.
I guess I cannot paste if I am using the wysiwyg thingy.
post #41 of 51
Quote:
Originally Posted by Nora
I am 44 and single. I have a good life, great friends, a good job and I own my home. I have Max (my furbaby) to go home to at night. I'm not saying that I could never fall in love and marry, but I'm not looking for it. It would be a huge adjustment for me.
This is one i relate to!.
I was the last person people thought would leave their marriage. I never looked at another man or even thought of leaving my marriage until Richie came along.

But now weve split, like you Nora i have a good job, great social life with friends, and also my own home and i'm 45 years young!!!

It's been a year since Richie and i split and i've been asked out several times but i'm not ready yet?!.

To be honest i don't know if i want a man living with me "full time" again, but never say never!!.
post #42 of 51
Describing Yourself
Women over 40 are less demanding and more realistic about their value in the Lonely Hearts market place. They do not chase after younger men, and are more likely to seek someone their own age or even older. But sensing that attractiveness and youth are what men look for (even older men), women in this age range often conceal their age as a deception to ensnare a high quality male.

You picked "Educated".
Category: Wealth

You're letting him know that you have earning power, but this is way down the list of most men's priorities. They're more interested in your youth and attractiveness. Men regard this as an indicatior of your ability to bear children.

You picked "Caring, Honest".
Category: Commitment

You are dropping heavy hints that you're after commitment. This could be a good strategy, since many men put this at the top of their own wish lists. But this is only because they want to ensure the paternity of their children. Research shows that women tend to undervalue men's interest in commitment when they describe themselves.

Describing Your Partner
Women's standards drop gradually as they age. This is because the male preoccupation with youth and beauty makes it difficult for older women to ensnare a good quality partner. The reverse is true of men, who advertise for ever more youthful partners as they age. Consequently, women between the ages of 35 and 50 often withhold their age from personal ads, as a deliberate strategy to buck the age trend.

You picked "Good sense of humour".
Category: Social Skills

Grunting neanderthals are a real turn-off for you. Your man needs to be have the gift of the gab. Social skills are second only to commitment in the list of qualities women value in men. Ancestral females appealed to men's social skills to give them an incentive to stay around and rear children. Women believe male attractiveness and social skills go hand in hand.

You picked "Trustworthy, Sincere".
Category: Commitment

You find a man with a roving eye a real turn off. Your man better show you the ultimate in devotion, or he'll be out the door. Women want a partner who is loyal and will stick around to rear their child. commitment is therefore the quality most often requested by women advertising in personal ads.!

It looks like Kellye and I have the same taste in men. Seriously, that it an interesting Web site, but the choices given weren't brilliant.
post #43 of 51
All of my answers to this came in the committment category both for myself and who I am supposed to be looking for. But seeing that I am not looking I feel safe. I've got my kitties to keep me warm.
I have reached the stage where I am content to live as I am.
post #44 of 51
Without trying to be all philosophical...

I think guys are looking for a woman who has interests other than hair and makeup and the latest fashions at the mall (on the other hand, they want a girl who does thier hair and makeup ).
Men are looking for women who function on the same intellectual playing field. This comes in handy when trying to have a conversation
If you can have an enjoyable conversation together, this leads to humor and eventually friendship.
Men want a woman who is not desperate. Sometimes people find eachother when they are not looking for someone. If you act natural and not too over-bearing and eager it is more of a challenge for the guy and he will feel a sense of accomplishment. If you "give in" too soon (to whatever he is after) then he will loose interest and move on to another challenge...Unless of course you stimulate his brain with challenging intellect which leads to humor and friendship (romance will fall into place on its own).

So...if you act like an air-head and "give it up" (returning his calls every waking moment, falling all over yourself at the beginning, sex on the first date, etc...)he has no other challenge left. Therfore you need to reserve yourself and be "hunted" while enjoying all that is involved in the "hunt" (like flowers, dinners, etc...), all the while getting to know eachother and becoming friends.


With that said...I think that alot of men cheat and couples get divorced because the "hunt" comes to an end. Women let themselves become complacent and no longer challenge thier husbands with new ideas, conversations, and laughter. This is where physical appearance also comes into play...some women let thier physical appearance fade after a relationship is built (giving the men the urge to look at other women who are still keeping thiers up). When they see these women, thier hunter instints kick in and they sometimes fall for the new challenge and the marriage is shot. Now this may sound shallow to some but I think it has some merit to it.
The couples who have a strong intellectual base and once connected on a friendship level may be able to reconcile but if there was never a connection in the first place, they may as well forget it. I think this is why there is such a high divorce rate today. Alot of people marry for superficial reasons (money, looks, etc...) and once the hunt is over they have no challenges left anddivorce is the only option.

Shew.....that was long, now my fingers hurt-LOL!!!
post #45 of 51
Quote:
Originally Posted by Coco Maui
So...if you act like an air-head and "give it up" (returning his calls every waking moment, falling all over yourself at the beginning, sex on the first date, etc...)he has no other challenge left. Therfore you need to reserve yourself and be "hunted" while enjoying all that is involved in the "hunt"
I have never really liked the hunting theory. To a certain extent it is true. But the issue is whether sticking to it will result in something good. Personally, if a person plays hard to get I would not do a follow up simply on the grounds that if a person does not like you why bother pestering them and making their life miserable. Hunting > Harassment = Restraining Order. hehe. And if someone wants to "desperately" spend their time with you and you enjoy the company of the person why play hard to get. Or if lets say a person thinks you are too available and as a result decide not to go out with you would you want to go out with a person that shallow. Of course there is a distinction between being too available and coming on too fast.

But that is just an anecdotal evidence.

Since we are in a philosophical mood today, let me tell you about my theory on the 'rules of the hunt' or the rule to play hard to get may result in some problems. But to illustrate the point I first need to bring in an economic theory.

Market for Lemons
George Akerlof the nobel prize winner for economics wrote a short essay in the 60s about the market for lemons. Basically it talks about how asymmetric information (Lack of full information/Difference in information between parties) can play a part in one's decision. He talks about the market for used cars. Imagine the seller knows which car is a good car and which car is a bad car (hence the term lemons) but that the buyer have no idea which car is good or bad. Therefore the buyer will make an offer which would be perhaps the average price of both cars. This is to take into account the fact that he may have made a mistake and bought the bad car.
Good = $10
Lemon = $5
Probability of picking a Good car = 50% or 1/2
Price offer = ($10 + $5)/2 = $7.50
But since the seller have full information if the car is a good car he will not accept the $7.50 offer since it is less than $10. Of course the theory is more complicated than that and that simple changes in the price and probability can change the equation but for now this is sufficient.

Instead of a market for used cars think about a market for true love. You have the same problem, asymmetric information. Assuming that each party know what they are 'worth', or at least know better than the person opposite trying to make a connection.

So the question now is, based on what you have to offer (humour, committment, caring, educated, etc) you have to decide whether the person opposite you has 'better value' or is a lemon vis-a-vis what you have to offer.

Remember the car salesperson? If what you are offering is below his valuation he would not accept. So taking this analogy to the game of playing hard to get. By telling the person that lets say you are busy for the next week or not calling after a date, you are signalling to the person that you are not a 'lemon' and that if there is to be any progress in the 'negotiation' or 'courtship' the person would have to offer more. Conversely if you are 'too available' you are signalling to the person that you are a lemon.

A further point with regards to the used car market, if what is offered is consistenly below the good car valuation, then there will be no market for good cars. Translating this to the dating world, the maxim 'all good wo/man are already taken.' Thus suggesting that all is left is lemons. Hence the need to signal you are not a lemon through playing hard to get.

But of course the market of love is significantly different from the market of used car. Such a signalling effect can be abused. And unlike the market for used cars, there is no offer or warranty (unless you view marriage as a warranty of sorts where if the 'good' or partner does not 'perform as guaranteed or advertised', one could seek divorce and maybe get some money). And since there is no warranty, the signals can be abused by people.

Sure there are times where you reject the person simply because you think that person is a lemon. But there are people who play the game so as to speak and follow the rules. And there are people who simply do not play the game and follow the rules. Logically the people who are playing the game might be punching above their weight or is a lemon. After all why play the game if one knows what one is 'worth'. But for the people who do not play the game, their value is depressed by the market despite the fact that they are not necessarily lemons and may be a good partner.

Well, that is just my rambling thoughts on the matter. Therefore sometimes the right person may be out there just that based on the rules, he is supposed to be a lemon but that is not true. Oh boy, I really need to stop thinking about such wierd analogies and silly theories and give my brain some rest.
post #46 of 51
Quote:
Originally Posted by lotsocats


And....it is only when you are truly happy living alone that you can be happy living with another person.
This is so true
post #47 of 51
I don't like to live alone. Its nice to have somebody to come home and talk to but, I'm not willing to "settle" just to have a warm body in the house. Bill and I aren't joined at the hip and we have some divergent interests but we are comfortable with each other.
post #48 of 51
Personally, I see nothing wrong with cosmetic surgery. However, a lot of the things that people get fixed could have been prevented had the person used a little more care...for example wearing sunscreen and exercising.
post #49 of 51
Men are great. Adolescent males, (when they are 15 to 25, are adolescent males. When they get to be 35, 45, 55 and up, it is time for them to grow up) When an adolescent male becomes a man it is great. The problem is that not many of them do that. And when they do they get snapped up right away.

What do "Men" want. A Woman. The more correct question is what do "adolescent males" want. A mother. They are worthless. They are not worth you time. They have not been trained and they are untrainable. You can't change them, don't try.

Goblin
post #50 of 51
Hey Im in the category of "adolescent males" Are you saying im worthless!?! Eh, probably right..
Sorry, just bugging you people...

Later,
Brandon
post #51 of 51
From the guy's perspective, men are looking for a caring and considerate mate who takes him for what he is, not what she wants him to be. Everything else such as sex is just icing on the cake.
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