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What exactly are men looking for?

post #1 of 51
Thread Starter 
I am about fed up with the male portion of the human race. Honestly, give me a website that answers some questions for me so we can all be on the same page.

You may or may not know or care, but I am a single 40-something person. I am glad I do not center my days around 'finding someone', or I would have blown my head off long ago. Have you ladies taken a look at sites like match.com ever? Input your info. You will bring up a bunch of men your age who are endlessly searching for some young girl in the 25-35 range. It's no wonder that women go off the deep end with plastic surgery and lying about their ages.

What are your thoughts?
post #2 of 51
I know how you feel Deb - I had given up on men for about 5 years before I met Jake, my first boyfriend died because of his drug addiction, my second was a jerk and I swore off men after that. I tried to date but I could not get comfortable with anyone and so I got on with my life, did not think about looking for someone, then when I had sworn that I would never get married, I met Jake online in a chatroom for deaf people. We got to know each other better and the rest is history.

I think those men on match.com looking for younger women are just looking to prove their virility. Unfortunately, we live in a world where sex seems to be everywhere - on tv, in movies, and so on and therefore, I believe thats why men are looking for younger women, and women are looking to plastic surgery to make themselves look younger.

I have a friend who thinks she will always be alone unless she puts up with her abusive boyfriend. The only reason she won't break up with him is because she is scared she will be single for the rest of her life. I have tried telling her that when the time is right, the right man will come along. Why settle for second best? It is probably all about patience, not wanting to wait for ages to meet the right one as long as the wrong one is there. I don't know.

Amazing how society has changed over the years - divorce is becoming all too common and I wonder if it is because of the same reason as this friend of mine?

I blame it on the selling of sex everywhere. I am glad that Jake accepts me for who I am and doesn't care how fat I am. Although I would like to lose weight to feel better about myself.

post #3 of 51
Thread Starter 
Ugh! I agree. When I see what some people settle for to avoid being alone...well, they can have that. I see so many couples who aren't happy. I sure do not want to travel that road again, not just so I can be like everyone else.
post #4 of 51
Oh, now this should be interesting...

Personally, I don't have much experience with 30+ single men, but I really think that 20-something men are looking for someone to take care of them. Just take care of it! Clean the house, balance the checkbook, make sure all the bills are paid, and that there is plenty of extra spending money! (OK, that's how it feels in my house sometimes....minus clean the house, we do that together which most of the time means it doesn't get done...)

There was an article in Psychology Today about the dynamics of today's relationships and it said that now men aren't looking for a Barbie, they want an equal in social and economic status. Or even a better. So, basically, they don't just want a bubble-headed-bleach-blonde, they want the beautiful blonde with power now.
post #5 of 51
I am also a single 40 something, pretty close to 50 something. And I have looked at the listings on match.com for my area, and surprisingly, there seem to be men my age with realistic expectations. Not that I have taken the step of contacting any of them, but I have seen a healthy number of men who are just over 50, also looking for women between 40 and 50. Maybe they reach a certain age, and just finally admit that a nubile 19 year old will just not be interested. Or they won't be able to keep up.

However, I am so happy and settled being single, introducing a man into the mix is just too much to contemplate. I just start thinking about the potential list of qualifications, and decide that no man will measure up.
post #6 of 51
The girlfriends I have that are single are also over 40 and living in Southern California. A few of them do the bar scene and end up with worthless men who only want one thing- pretty shallow, and also very risky considering what that one thing can land you these days.

When I was single, it was a nightmare. I met men, mostly at work, but they always wanted something from me, and usually I couldn't deliver, because I had my own problems to work through.

The men I know now that are single come with a lot of baggage. I don't think I could in good conscious set up any of my friends with them at all. I don't envy those today in the dating scene, and I know that if I ever become single again, I am likely to stay that way and just surround myself with animals-
post #7 of 51
Thread Starter 
Ain't that the truth? I am starting to think I am getting too old and set in my ways. Or maybe just too picky. I met a guy last year while I was doing some volunteer work at a football game. He seemed very nice, yet when he emailed me and couldn't spell worth a damn, I lost interest. How shallow is that? A woman a few years older than me had luck with the first guy she met on match.com. They are getting married in a few weeks. But I look and wonder as I watch them interact....did she find Mr. Right, or does she just not want to be Ms. Alone?

About a month ago, I happened upon a guy I knew from high school on a website that was related to our h.s. Believe it or not, he lives right in my area. So I took a chance and contacted him. Heck, I was just interested in catching up after all these years. He seemed 'delighted' to know that we were practically around the corner. Then....bammo...nothing. His loss. And no, he never married.
post #8 of 51
Originally Posted by Kiwideus
I met Jake online in a chatroom for deaf people.
I trust you ladies will forgive me for intruding here, but, Kellye, I would sure be interested in learning about any decent web site(s) or chatroom(s) for deaf persons. Yours truly qualifies, other than when powerful hearing aids are used.

PS: I can tell you what THIS man wants -- a gal like Ann. 46 years and all is well! It must be because we have always, without exception, had cats.

I'm gone, ladies.

Jim, with Ann, Samwise and Miss Kitty, on a Texas beach
post #9 of 51
Thread Starter 
No, stay, Jim, stay! Some male perspective is definitely warranted, even though this started out to sound like a male-bashing thread. It isn't; just a mouthy NY girl's way of putting things.
post #10 of 51
Originally Posted by Deb25
No, stay, Jim, stay! Some male perspective is definitely warranted, even though this started out to sound like a male-bashing thread. It isn't; just a mouthy NY girl's way of putting things.
Hi, Deb,

Yours is a very good, honest, and most common question, Deb, and is in no way considered by me to be male-bashing. My experience (and I have years and years of it) is that most male-bashing is well-deserved by the male being bashed.

I can assure you that I am as equally incapable of deciphering men as I am of deciphering women. Therefore I have no credible perspective to add other than perhaps to observe that it generally takes a long time in either case, and after all that time has gone by you were either lucky or you were not.

And that goes for both the sexes.

NY is a long way from the Texas beach. I worked in NY for quite a while during a prior life. At the UN. An exciting time that was.

All the best up there, ya'll,

Jim, with Ann, Samwise and Miss Kitty, on a Texas beach
post #11 of 51
I would hate to be single and looking again! I cannot imagine trying to weed through all the frogs to find a prince! After 2 terrible relationships, I looked past the end of my nose, and finall discovered what had been standing right in front of me all along. My best friend! We have had 19 mostly wonderful years as a couple, and before that, a 6 year friends-only relationship. We were fortunate enough to know each other "warts, hairs, and all" and still see something wonderful. I try to remember every day how blessed I am to have him. Yeah, we drive each other crazy sometimes, but everyone does. My advice to anyone that asks me how we do it is to have a second look at your male friends. You say they will make some lucky girl a great boyfriend/husband, why not you? I am happy to say that this has worked for at least one of my friends.
post #12 of 51
Deb I agree with you, and Heidi you are so funny I agree with everything you said but I love the way you said it. Deb I don't think you're picky. When you get to 40's you know what you want, and even more what you don't want, and you recognise it a lot quicker than when you are in your 20's. My first marraige wasted a lot of my life, my second marraige was heaven, and although he has now passed over I am so grateful that I shared his life for that time. They say love comes when you least expect it. It will come I'm sure.
post #13 of 51
Even though I am too young to really have a say here, but I always notice my dad (37) looking at young girls, even teenagers. Even though my mom mom is only 30, he looks for younger people. It makes me sick. The way he looks at my older friends, it turns my stomach. It even came to a point where I told my mom that it made me very uncomfortable. She agreed. They are now broken up, due to our horrible family life, not just the fact that my dad looked at younger girls, but everything. I hate my dad more than I could ever hate a person, I'm sure, but I'm so glad me and my mom are getting things through. I agree with you, this is why many older woman are insecure about their appearance, it's crazy. Now, correct me if I'm wrong, some woman don't even care of what other people think of them. but it is a big factor that most men like younger woman. Cilla is right, love with come sometime, we're sure!

Hehe, giving my little opinions make me feel bigger, older than a 12 year old, that is.
post #14 of 51
As most of you know, I am an online dater. I just don't have the time nor the patience to do the "meat market" thing at the local bars. I have had fairly good success from it all & have met some great friends along the way. I am shocked almost daily at how many replies I get from men that are old enough to be my father. First of all, they obviously can't read because my profile clearly states that I am looking for someone close to my age & am not looking for my "sugar daddy". Second of all, why on God's green Earth would a 60 some year old man want to be with a 20 something woman? IMO, it boils down to wanting a quick night of passion to boost their egos. I find it rather disgusting, but others may not agree.
I actually don't mind being single so much anymore even though there are times when I feel I'm lacking male companionship. Yes, I am picky...but why should I settle for someone who I can not fully commit to or love?

Great topic Deb! I wish you the best!
post #15 of 51
Now, I have to say something in defense of *some* older men who like "younger" women. As many of you know, my mother passed away 4 years ago, and in the past year or so Dad has gotten back in the dating scene. My father is honestly quite a catch, if I do say so myself. He is a gentleman, respectful, intelligent, in very good physical shape, and has the rugged older looks of someone like Sean Connery (OK, not that good looking, but he has aged very well, if you know what I mean...). He tried going out with women his age, and decided he didn't like it. They were all either angry about someone who had left them or depressed about either losing someone or not having them in the first place (his words...), and didn't want to actually live and have fun. If he acts his age, he's pushing 30 most of the time.

He has gone out with 20-somethings, 30-somethings and 40-somethings, and pretty much all of the time they approached him. He went out with the younger ladies because they have fun. He said one of the men he knows made a comment about "Why would someone our age want to go out with those young girls anyway??" Dad replied: "Because they can. And apparently you can't or you wouldn't have to ask that question!" But, the lady that he has gotten pretty serious with is a 40-something, and she sounds like a really neat lady (I haven't gotten to meet her yet, but I've heard a lot about her. ).
post #16 of 51
Mike is 17 years older than me. Even my friends raised their eyebrows when we decided to get married, but because of how we met (personal ad) and how long we wrote before we even *met* in real life, we were best friends before anything else. It is awkward because I am close in age to his oldest son, but the only time Mike and i really notice the difference is in music and politics. Other than that we are happy- he calls me his "small powerful child bride"- LOL
post #17 of 51
I think being best friends first is rally good. You know each other so well and always stay best friends as well as the romantic side. My second husband was 18 years older than me and we were friends for a long, long time before we became a couple.
post #18 of 51
At the age of 27, I married a 55-year-old man. He was intelligent, funny, loved my kids and my cats. We had three wonderful years, until he died. One of the downsides, to being attracted to older men, is that you wind up as a young widow.

I'm now 46 and Bill just turned 59. Fortunately, he is in very good shape and we should have at least 25-30 years together. Not all younger women are brainless bimbos and all older men are not looking for a trophy.

Granted, since Viagra, a lot of grandpas have turned into Priapus and are sorely in need of cold showers.

I'm told that some younger guys prefer older women's maturity and experience. Maybe, you should downscale your age limit to, say 35. Its worth a shot. Look at Demi Moore. On second thought - don't - its too depressing. I'm only 5 years older than her and I don't look nearly that good!
post #19 of 51
Here is a joke that I received sometime back. Food for thoughts: Opps the format seems a bit gone but I am sure you can make it out

When you're single and looking, all men can be divided into two categories: Nice Guys and Bad Boys. And though Nice Guys ask us out, we want to date Bad Boys. What's the lure of the bad boy? The answer is revealed in the following chart, which shows the strange way our minds work when our hearts are under the influence of a bad boy.

Nice Guy: Bad Boy:
================================== ================================
-10 for being desperate / +10 for even calling

-10 for being too available / +10 for being popular

-10 for being ordinary / +10 for being artistic,

-10 for trying to toady his way / +10 for making you jealous
into your life

-10 for not having found one with / +10 for being a challenge
anybody else

-10 for being dependent / LIKE IT
+10 for independence

-10 for making you wear panty hose / +10 for eating your food

-10 for asking too many questions / +10 for making you a good listener

-10 because his feelings are never / +10 for allowing you to fantasize
in sync with yours about how he feels about you

-10 for making you feel guilty / +10 for honesty
for accepting gifts

-10 for always wearing geeky jeans / +10 for looking great naked

-10 for boredom / +10 for making you laugh

+10 for driving a nice car / +250 for being a great kisser

Nice Guys: -110 / Bad Boys +370
post #20 of 51
Sorry for having a 15 year old meddling into this subject, and I apologize in advance, but here it goes:

To me the beauty/physical appearance is secondary. The truth is that what truly matters is wether that woman (or in the case of the ladies, man) is of a good character, friendly, shares your interests, truly loves you, someone you can confide in, someone who will be with you in your ups and in your downs, you know... that kind of stuff. After that, then the physical appearance becomes secondary.

I don't know about you, but you will enjoy life with someone who has all that which I mentioned and isn't that pretty much more than with someone who may be Miss Universe, but you can't stand ten minutes without a fight.

There is my two cents. Feel free to throw them back.
post #21 of 51
Cindy your post made me laugh! But your posts are always entertaining. You are right, going out with an older man does not make you a trophy. When you consider how fast women mature next to men, it sometimes just balances out.
post #22 of 51
Well Deb, things are the way they are. I'm sure you don't mind a few mistakes, but if a guy can't spell to save his life and that turns you off then I can't blame you. I think it is a good indication of intelligence and awareness. Like Shell, I try my best at online dating. I also try other avenues too, but I've read a lot of women's profiles around my age. A fair number claim to be exhausted from liars, married men and dirty old men who insist on contacting them despite the "all caps" text begging them not to, so you don't seem to be too far out of line. Some dates told me horror stories of men who posted 7 year old photos where they were 60 pounds less. My stories aren't usually that bad. Nevertheless, I have to vouch for the good guys and say that I'm not the kind that actively looks for younger women. In fact, my maximum age limit is much more flexible than my minimum. We're not all dirty old men. To answer your question, what this guy wants in a relationship is quite simple and reasonable to begin with when compared to the average greedy slob; or at least I think so. I'm looking for a mutual attraction. Apparently that's pretty hard to find.
post #23 of 51
Very interesting thread
I think there are bad apples on each side , woman or man . First we need to remember that a man is a hunter out of nature . I don't mean it in a bad way at all . But if we understand the logic to that we understand the men a little better . I think sometimes a man want to date a younger woman to see if they still got it , ego ? Maybe , maybe not . Would we not also want to go out with a man as good looking as posible if we are single ? Don't that make us feel good also ? But most of the time we , man and woman ,will settle on the end with what our heart will tell us . Then it really don't matter any more the looks , age or what ever . Maybe I am naive in that , but that's ok . I always will believe in the good first in man and woman . And please don't think I did not had my share in life with a bad apples .
post #24 of 51
I'm 36, single...and totally NOT LOOKING. If it happens that I get back in the dating scene...so be it....but I am quite content to remain single.

post #25 of 51
A few weeks ago, I noticed for the first time that the on-line NY Times had a personal section, even though I've been readin the site for years. Out of curiousity I took a look at it, and while it was fairly small, and postings a bit snootier than usual, many of the men were seeking women who are 25 to 30 years younger than them.

I dont have any objection to people hooking up with each other and who have a large age difference. I think it is a bit more offensive that some men just don't fall in love with a 25 year old, but rather that they won't consider a woman in her 40's or 50' at all, even though she may be goodlooking, interesting etc etc
post #26 of 51
I left my marriage of 18 years for someone 5 years younger than me. Richie seemed to have more 'get up and go' in him to what my husband had?!.

When we split the first thing several people said to me was 'are you going back to your husband'?.

There are so many insecure women out there who stay in unhappy marriages just for the security, but i'm not one of them.

A friend of mine has the relationship that is all i want out of a man. They have been married nearly 30 years, they still do things together, never take each other for granted, and have the odd weekend away, in other words they "both" make sure the spark is there!.

Was that to much to ask from my husband and my ex boyfriend?. I managed it on my half of the relationship!.
post #27 of 51
Read this thread with great interest! I am nearly 50 and have been single for many years and am perfectly happy with the situation. I have girlfriends that, on the whole have married YOUNGER men. My sister just married her bloke who is 12 years younger and my best friends husband is 7 years younger than her. I think that, over here at least, younger men find older women very acceptable. Older women do have the edge - they are usually financially independent so are less likely to 'take', more at ease with themselves and who they are. Also they are able to LAUGH which a lot of younger women seem incapable of doing-they take themselves so seriously.
I like the idea of a Sean Connery look alike valanhb!
the guy I see a lot of is 56 and has absolutely no interest in younger women, maybe thats just him though.
post #28 of 51
However, I am so happy and settled being single, introducing a man into the mix is just too much to contemplate. I just start thinking about the potential list of qualifications, and decide that no man will measure up.
If you hold every man up to a laundry list, you will never find Mr Perfect! Simply cause noone is perfect! Not even us. I always had a list of qualifications...he had to be able to build a house but clean up well enough to handle any boardroom. He had to love to dance. He had to love animals and kids. He had to be over 6' with long, strong legs. Etc Etc Etc! Well, my SO fits about half of my list. He can't build the house, but he's pretty good at maintaining it. He can't dance to save his life but he loves watching me dance. He's over 6', but his legs are proportionate. But he loves me and is willing to tell me every day of my life.

I'm not saying throw the list away. I'm just saying be willing to amend it. And don't expect Mr Perfect. Perfection can get boring and annoying.
post #29 of 51
I don't think that anyone realistically expects to find the ideal person to their list of qualifications but you know what you're willing to accept and what you aren't.

I can relate to the people how aren't looking. I'm twenty-seven and I have given up looking. If someone falls into my lap great if not then I'm certainly not going to worry about it.
post #30 of 51
There was another interesting article in this month's Psychology Today (can you tell I love that mag?) about how searching for a "soul mate" can ruin real love. People have this image that there is that absolutely perfect person out there somewhere who will make them complete and happy. But it is actually creating unrealistic expectations of relationships, and so when the relationship or marriage hits rough times (or even when it isn't) there is a tendency to always be looking for a better or more perfect match. To always question, is this really the right person for me as if there really is just one person out there who can make you happy. It said, basically, that everyone is incompatible to some degree, the key is to commit to the relationship and not expect perfection or ideal.

There was one quote in the article that really stood out to me, and I forget who said it... "Marriage isn't supposed to make you happy. It is supposed to make you married."
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