how long does the process of greiving take?

Good morning guys

Can I ask a question that some of you may relate to and whose advice would be appreciated.

Last August, as you know and may recall, I lost my cat Vicki and my stepfather in the same day. It had to be one of the worst days of my life and I am still finding it hard to come to terms with.

My stepfather and I both fly and flew model aircraft and he assisted me in getting back into it after my parents split and i had an abscence. Even though we never enjoyed the same relationship that my father and i share who also flies the same classes, I guess we were close.

In February this year, I took my mother to where his ashes were and regretfully, they had all not dissapeared in the wind. His ashes are on the airfield of which we spent so much time next to a babbling brook and surrounded by trees and the countryside. It was his wish to be laid to rest there with the ashes and I will always go and say hi when I next fly.

However, I am still finding it hard to come to terms with. I have not flown since december and even though I have a will to build, my heart rules and I end up putting it all away for another day. I still dream about him frequently chasing the airplanes we flew over long distances etc.

My mother is still very upset (together over 20 years) and understandably.

So when is it ok to start feeling more "up" and when does the greiving process ever - if ever stop?

Any thoughts would be appreciated and thanks for reading this.

Kev
having a little low day. Vicki's rose is still there growing well and getting ready to celebrate her life in the spring sun with its flowers

Kev,

I know you have been close to your stepfather and it's never easy to stop grieving.. there is no standard period of time or a correct timing to stop grieving... give yourself the liberty of time and remember the good times you all share...

hope you feel better soon... do drop me a mail if you feel like talking..

Hey Kev Long time no hear. I too am still greiving the loss of my Dad and now the loss of my beloved dog Nemo, who died a month ago as of yesterday.

My Dad died in October and everyday it seems I am fighting off the blues. I miss him so much that it is a physical pain sometimes. Other days aren't as bad.

You and I may never stop greiving the loss of our loved ones completely but from what I understand it will get better with time. I hope so for our sakes.

I know that my Dad wouldn't want me to sit around and cry all the time. So I do things that I know that Dad would have wanted me to do. The holidays have been the hardest and now Father's day is coming up and I can't even go and visit him

Hang n there Kev, if you need to talk PM me anytime. {{{{HUGS}}}}

Hey Kev,

If it's understandable for your mom to still be grieving, then why not you too? I lost my father 3 1/2 years ago. I still get upset when something significant happens in my life, because he is the first one I want to share it with.

I don't think you ever forget and whenever you think of the loved one you are bound to feel some pain, simply because you miss them and want them to be here...

In Judaism there are very fixed times for grieving. That is for external acts that are supposed to show that a person is grieving. There's the first week of mourning, where the mourners don't even shower and do nothing but "mourn". People come to visit them on that week and bring them food. Then there's the first month -or 30 days. Then there's the first year (no parties, no cosmetics etc). After that it's supposed to be back to normal. Only religious people follow those rules closely and even then they change slightly depending on where you're from.

Point is, time is "officially" given to mourning. Mourning is something that needs to be gone through. I think the time period of a year is pretty much the minimum required to get over the loss of a loved one. August is not that far behind us. Take your time and allow yourself time and space for grieving. If you don't feel like flying the planes now - they'll be there waiting for you later on.

...is the way a friend of mine put such things.

Everybody's grieving process is different, Kev, and none can be a pattern for another. One thing that's kind of a constant, not surprisingly, is that it takes a whole year to do the cycle of special days, which are particularly hard to endure. Once you've been through each of them once, they're easier -- perhaps never easy, but easier -- and it's then less likely that you'll be "ambushed" by your grief.

But your grieving process is your grieving process. Give yourself permission to have it -- all of it -- and you may even find the gloom lifting sooner than you thought it would.

Peace, Kev. Be gentle with yourself.

I lost my mother in June of 97, and my father in August of 2000. And I lost Merlin in May of 2003. It still hurts...on all counts. The grieving process gets easier, but it never ends. My thoughts are with you.

When i lost my dad 15 years ago i thought the tears would never stop.

It does get easier, but you will never forget him or the good times you both shared.

The hardest times for me is like most people is christmas, birthdays, the date when i lost my dad etc...But as long as you never forget him, he'll always be alive.

My mother was a death and dying counselor ...she helped people to go through the grieving process . What I learned from my mother helping others is that there are phases , anger bargaining etc we go through these phases to different degrees until we enter the last phase acceptance.

Thats the taught side , I lost my Nana Friday 4/2/04 , even though I know all this stuff ...I am in a world of pain ....I don't feel like knowing the process helps when your in it .

In the end I think you go through it until you come to terms with your feelings different people do this in different ways and on different time tables.

Im sorry for your loss

Kev, I'd like to add something to what I said earlier. To some extent this has also been said by others, but anyway...

My Mum died almost 16 years ago. I went through all the stages, and I came to acceptance in due course. Her picture (a rather lovely one) is in several places where I encounter it often, and I always say "Hi Ma". Sometimes, if someone else is around, that translates into a series of reminiscences. Sometimes there are tears. Always there are smiles.

My husband and I were talking this evening about an event coming up soon, that always meant a lot to Mum, and I realized that there will be some different aspects to it, this time around, that would enhance Mum's pleasure, and that will make it just that much more poignant. I'm still mopping tears, but I can't wipe the smile off my face either , because Mum will be there with me.

It's strange, I guess, the pain doesn't ever go away completely, but the time does come when it takes a back seat to the wonderful memories. Let it happen, Kev. You'll get there.

Peace.