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Advise request: "friendship"

post #1 of 17
Thread Starter 
Hi

I need some advise on friends, so I thought the catsite was the place to go!

Ok, I have this one friend. We have been friends for about 4 years, I wouldn't call us best friends but I would say we aren't just casual friends either. Well she cancels a lot on events. I mean more than anyone I have known in recent history. At first I just chocked it up to new friendship and sort of adjusting to it. Plus I felt I was sort of the one who instigated our friendship so I feel like you kind of have to cut someone some slack if you are the one being the force. But lately it's gone too far. For instance we had plans to go to the movies recently. Well I looked forward to it and then low and behold, THE DAY we were suppose to go, she cancels with just "I am really tired". I mean I offered to drive and it was just a movie-you sit there. I am to where I don't want to make plans with her anymore. It's becoming like Lucy and Charlie Brown with the football, I get egg on my face. Plus to be honest I think she's a decent person but she is also kind of snobby. I often feel sort of patronized. I almost didn't realize that was going on, cause I didn't see in any way she is better off than myself. but I think her ego approaches all relationships that way.

My question is, my instinct doesn't want to bother to confront her. I know that I *should*, but I just want to take care of myself and not stress and cause a scene. So I am hoping to just drift away. Like she mentioned last week we do something tonight. I said I wasn't sure but would get back to her. I just haven't gotten back to her and hope to just forget the whole thing.

Am I doing the right thing? I don't feel this person has made enough effort for me to make effort in return. So I just want to blow her off. I mean I know that sounds cold, but I swear men are so much better about this. They just walk away when someone is treating them disrespectfully.
post #2 of 17
I guess if it were me, I'd just quietly fade away like you have started. If a friend is a good friend, they don't treat you like you have been treated on a regular basis. If she really wants the friendship, she'll seek you out to see what's going on with you, if not, consider yourself lucky to lose her w/o a huge fight or something!
Cindy
post #3 of 17
Thread Starter 
Yeah, that makes sense. Thanks. I mean I think all this confronting business should be for close friends and people who really matter to you. I have no interest anymore.

I mean canceling to me is really not something I do without a really good reason. I mean I have come up with "alternative ideas" if something doesn't sound good anymore. But just bailing on the person, I wouldn't do that.
post #4 of 17
I would just stop calling. If she is interested in continuing the friendship, she will make the effort. And if she does make the effort and asks why you stopped calling, then you can tell her your feelings about being blown off by her time and time again when you have made plans. If she doesn't call, then she isn't worth the time.
post #5 of 17
I have been in your shoes before.

I had a "friend" we were good friends until her boyfriend started harrassing me, and I found out he was hurting her, so I helped her a lot through it, but she would never leave him.

Then one night the boyfriend and I had a big argument over the issues we had been having and I decided that I had to tell her that I was tired of seeing her going through hell and I felt as if she was using me because whenever we got together, all she would talk about was how he was treating her.

She now no longer talks to me and now is not allowed to talk to her friends anymore.

I decided that I had to make a clean break, I did not need a friend to pull me down when I needed pulling up myself. It was always about her.
post #6 of 17
Thread Starter 
Yeah I guess we have to reach a point where if it's all about them its' taking away our energy rather than giving us more, as friends should be. And life is tough enough.
post #7 of 17
Thread Starter 
You know I also feel friendship is becoming a lost art. I mean people don't value it as much. My Mom had these wonderful friends. And she was even kind of bad about keeping in touch, but they were all loyal etc. I mean I treasure my friends, time with them hanging out. But I find many of the people I meet are more into the "thing" we are doing, and not the people. Will go to something if they want to go, not for the company. I mean I would practically go to dog races if I like the group going! (not really but you see my point)

This person I am talking about too is so bloody cold. I remember I gave her some cookies as a thank you for making dinner for some of us, and she said "I don't like those". I mean if i don't like something I just put it aside or give it to someone else. It's sad, I suspect she really needs friends but pushes them away.
post #8 of 17
Sounds as if this "friend" has other agenda, and can't figure out how to move on without hurting your feelings -- and in the process, does precisely that. I'd say let it drop. If you've had plans and she has cancelled them, I'd say the ball is in her court. If she does want your friendship, your silence will likely worry her enough for her to ask what's up. If not, then you've both moved on without the unpleasantness that might happen if you confronted her. Good luck.
post #9 of 17
Quote:
Originally posted by Kiwideus
I have been in your shoes before.

I had a "friend" we were good friends until her boyfriend started harrassing me, and I found out he was hurting her, so I helped her a lot through it, but she would never leave him.

Then one night the boyfriend and I had a big argument over the issues we had been having and I decided that I had to tell her that I was tired of seeing her going through hell and I felt as if she was using me because whenever we got together, all she would talk about was how he was treating her.

She now no longer talks to me and now is not allowed to talk to her friends anymore.

I decided that I had to make a clean break, I did not need a friend to pull me down when I needed pulling up myself. It was always about her.

Kellye,

This friend is in trouble. She's not dropping you because she doesn't want to be friends...she no longer talks to you because of his control! Cutting her off from her friends gets her more dependant on him, which allows him to gain more control, which leads to more violence. His harrassing you was his way of running you off. So it looks like he wins, and your friend looses. I hope she doesn't loose her life too.

I understand that being the friend of an abused woman is hard. Its very frustrating to hear her tell you how he's abusing her, while she's defending him. But if I didn't have my friends there when I was finally ready to get out, I would still be there.
post #10 of 17
Thread Starter 
You know I had thought maybe she wanted to move on too, had another agenda as you said. But then I keep getting calls or emails for events, then she cancels them. that is why I am saying it's like Lucy and Charlie Brown and the football! So maybe I need to take the initiative and stop responding. She may feel guilty! And then emails or something, I dunno. People are so funny at times!

Well I am just not going to call or set anything up. If she calls I'll figure out what to do next.
post #11 of 17
Thread Starter 
And yes I agree, Kellye-your friend is in crisis. It's not you, it's her life situation.
It's tough to know that and not be able to do anything, but you have to take care of yourself.

My friend is just as asshole! A very cold person with no life.
post #12 of 17
Believe me, I have tried. But there is so much I can do without losing a lot of my energy - I have asked various people what I can do, but since she won't help herself, then I can't help her.
post #13 of 17
go with your gut feeling... do whatever you feel is right... i'm still licking my wounds when it comes to my 'breakup' with my buddy... so i can't comment much..
post #14 of 17
Dear Marge,

What I have learned, (I am a 42 year old female) is not to let yourself be taken advantage of.

I had (had) a friend and she took advantage of my generosity. The friendship became lopsided. She was taking, I was giving. One day she went to far and that ended the friendship.

I am Christian, (Catholic). I mention this only to explain. (Please don't take this anyother way!) But, God sent me another friend. This was an answer to her pray also. She is now becoming my new best friend and partner in crime. Because of her I was able to rescue 12 cats from a very bad situation. She knew about the situation and I had the place to take them.

A true friend is a rare find. Make sure your friends are true. Life is to short to waste on takers.

Goblin
post #15 of 17
Thread Starter 
Thanks, I agree.

I have made a few new friends recently so maybe God is telling me something...?

, but it's funny we focus on the negative sometimes!

btw? Yucko friend did email me this lame "how ya doin' " message this morning. And I wrote back not mentioning getting together. The past usual pattern was, she blows me off several times or treats me badly, we don't see each other then i get some lame message, like hi how are you?. I say "oh fine, let's get together" and she agrees, she blows me off...the pattern continues.

So I figure I will just be polite.
post #16 of 17
There is a better way to solve this as far as I am concerned. Just be honest with your friend and tell her exactly what you told us. Friends should be open and honest with each other. She may even tell you the reason she is that way. I think understanding people is the best way of getting along with them.
post #17 of 17
Dear Sweets,

"I understand that being the friend of an abused woman is hard. Its very frustrating to hear her tell you how he's abusing her, while she's defending him. But if I didn't have my friends there when I was finally ready to get out, I would still be there."

I am glad you got out. I have been there. My mother had been there. She died in January 2001, but before she died she had founded KAAP, (Kingman Aid for Abused People). The director was just killed by her ex. (2004) It is a tough situation helping these women.

I was sitting on my porch on day about 4 months ago (early morning) and a woman was wandering down our quiet street. She saw that I was a smoker, and she asked if she could sit for a while. I said yes, I made her some coffee. She talked. She was in an abusive situation. I told her about KAAP, since my mother was one of the founders I could have gotten her in that day, no problem. But she already had the number and couldn't break away. I told her about my mother and KAAP and I told her she was always welcome to come back and talk. I have never seen her again. You can't help these women until the are ready to leave. It is like banging your head up against a wall. And I don't do that anymore. It hurts.

I am glad you got out.

Goblin

Yes, I am working on quitting smoking.
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