Anxiety about adopting a new cat after companion of 16 years passes

kittylover12

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My best fur-friend of almost 17 years passed away a few months ago. My apartment has been lonely ever since. I would look online at the humane society often and this past weekend, decided I needed to go in and see how I felt about some of the cats. I met one and instantly loved her. She's beautiful, sweet, and loving 4 yr old cat. She gave me kisses right away. I took her home the next day. I tend to get anxious about big decisions, but was excited and proud of myself for taking a step forward.

Two days later, I am considering taking her back. I have been sick to my stomach and constantly worrying that I made the wrong the decision, that I really am not ready and won't be able to bond with her the way she is bonding with me. She seems to already be comfortable and making herself at home. I absolutely hate that I have these feelings and I don't want to put her through anymore stress, but I feel if I don't come down from this stress soon - I am going to have to return her. 

When I think about keeping her, I feel very overwhelmed. When I think about returning her so that another family can give her all the love she deserves, I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. 

Is this my love for my old furbaby that is causing me this disconnect or is this a common grief issue that can be gotten through? I was really thinking I was ready to welcome a new friend into my home to bring a little love and cuddliness. She really, so far, is exactly what I would imagine my next companion to be. But there is this gut feeling that it's just not the time.

I feel ridiculous and embarrassed that I feel this way and that I might have made such an irresponsible decision. 
 

foxden

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K kittylover12
I'm so sorry for your loss. It is incredibly painful to lose a companion who is so much a part of your life.

I just lost my 13 y/o soul kitty a month ago after a very sudden illness. We already had two other kittens in the house, but they don't fill the void she left.

I think some of what you're feeling is grief. It's wonderful that she's settled into your place so well.

Try giving it more time. Try to play with your new girl and learn her quirks. She will never be the same as your old kitty. You will learn to love her, and it will be different. Each kitty takes a piece of our heart with them, but each new kitty finds love in a new piece of out heart.

Interact with the new kitty. Maybe get some new toys that don't remind you of the old kitty. You are already providing her a safe, loving home where she is content. Just take some more time, and try to love her for the kitty she is.

They all have their own purrsonalities, and there is room in your heart for the new girl.

Share some pictures, and maybe post the story of your old kitty in the crossing the bridge forum. I found that really helpful because there is so much support there.

I'm sure the more senior members here will have more advice for you, as well.
Keep in touch with us and let us know how you and the new kitty are doing
 

catlover73

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My best fur-friend of almost 17 years passed away a few months ago. My apartment has been lonely ever since. I would look online at the humane society often and this past weekend, decided I needed to go in and see how I felt about some of the cats. I met one and instantly loved her. She's beautiful, sweet, and loving 4 yr old cat. She gave me kisses right away. I took her home the next day. I tend to get anxious about big decisions, but was excited and proud of myself for taking a step forward.

Two days later, I am considering taking her back. I have been sick to my stomach and constantly worrying that I made the wrong the decision, that I really am not ready and won't be able to bond with her the way she is bonding with me. She seems to already be comfortable and making herself at home. I absolutely hate that I have these feelings and I don't want to put her through anymore stress, but I feel if I don't come down from this stress soon - I am going to have to return her. 

When I think about keeping her, I feel very overwhelmed. When I think about returning her so that another family can give her all the love she deserves, I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. 

Is this my love for my old furbaby that is causing me this disconnect or is this a common grief issue that can be gotten through? I was really thinking I was ready to welcome a new friend into my home to bring a little love and cuddliness. She really, so far, is exactly what I would imagine my next companion to be. But there is this gut feeling that it's just not the time.

I feel ridiculous and embarrassed that I feel this way and that I might have made such an irresponsible decision. 
I am very sorry for your loss. Our fur babies are never with us long enough.

I completely understand what you are going through. I personally think you are still going through the grieving process and that may be what is causing you to feel overwhelmed here.  I do not think you made an irresponsible decision at all.  You made  a decision based on love and giving another baby a chance for a loving home. 

I also agree with the comments foxden made.  One key thing to adopting a new baby after a loss is to remind yourself that your new baby is never going to replace the baby you lost.  The new baby will bond with you in their own way and have a separate special place in your heart but this is going to take some time. I have always believed that adopting a new baby is a way to honor the life and memories of the ones we have lost.  Your best friend would want you to be happy again and  may have even sent your new baby to you as sign to let you know she is doing well at the rainbow bridge.

You have already formed a bond with your new baby even if your heart is not ready yet. Perhaps trying to set-up a new routine with your new baby will help you with the grieving process.  Set aside time to play with your new baby with new toys.  Spend time time with her hanging out.  Sometimes the key to moving through the steps of the grieving process is to come up with new normal routines.  You will never forget your best friend but over time the new normal will make things easier. The grieving process is different for each person and each loss so there is no way anyone can tell you how long it will take. I have been where you are now and can honestly say that time will make things easier and will allow you to bond with your new friend.  Your best friend would not want you to feel guilty for making new friends and would only want happiness for you.

Hugs to you during this difficult time.

 
 
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rubysmama

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Condolences on the loss of your almost 17 year old fur-friend. Seventeen years is a long time but it is always too soon to have to say good-bye, no matter how many years together we have with our furry companions. 

I don't, however, think you made an irresponsible decision in adopting the new 4 year old cat.  You'd already been looking at the online websites and when you met her you "instantly loved her".  To me that's a sign that she and you belong together.  And the fact that she "seems to already be comfortable and making herself at home" tells me that she agrees. I've read so many posts from people complaining that their new cat ignores them or hides all the time.

Maybe you feel you're not quite ready to be a cat parent again, but something made you look at that website that day. And something made you go to the shelter and bring her home.

No new cat will ever be the same as your former fur-friend. But if you send her back, your apartment will be lonely again. So don't make a hasty decision to return her. Just try to see her as your new companion and let her help heal your heart.

Meanwhile, as @foxden  suggested, maybe you could post a message in the http://www.thecatsite.com/f/19/crossing-the-bridge forum sharing your memories of you former fur-friend.

And maybe take some pictures of your new girl to share with us.
 

misty8723

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I'm so sorry for your loss.

I new cat won't replace the one you lost, but I think we all have enough love in our hearts that a new cat can have part of it (if that makes sense). We lost our Cindy a couple years ago, and it was devastating. We wanted another cat, companion for Swanie and for us too, and got Darcy who died of FIP not two months after we adopted her. I was really in love with that little girl, too, and it tore me up and still does. Now we have Cricket who has been with us for over a year, and little by little I've grown to love her more and more. I think if you give it time, you will find that you will bond with your new fur baby, maybe not in the same way, but in the meantime accept her love and return it as best you can, and I bet things will work out fine.

Or maybe, get another cat who can be a friend for her?
 
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