Lola's fight with Oral Squamous Cell Carcinoma (I'm going to say goodbye to my cat)

March 22, 2017 - Moderator's Note -

This thread was started in the Crossing the Bridge Forum as it was assumed Lola's passing would come within a few days.   Three weeks later and thankfully Lola is still here and this thread is being moved to the Health forum.

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I would have liked to find you earlier. I'm approaching this forum in a sad moment of my life, probably the saddest moment of my life.

My beloved cat Lola, 16 years and 10 months, is going to leave me soon.

We fought many battles together and we always won, but this time the enemy is too strong and evil and we have lost the battle and the war.

She was diagnosed with a squamous cell cancer in her mouth in September, we did everything was possible to do, we went everywhere they told us to go. In the last two or three days I saw her going downhill and though she's still strong and determined she has some moments when she seems away from me.

Two weeks ago she had half of her tongue removed because it was necrotic, but she managed to go on. I am syringe feeding her since Christmas, but now she's less interested in food, and since last night she has stopped purring at me, though she's still looking for my presence, follows me around the house and wants to curl up on my lap when I'm on the couch.

I have to take the terrible decision in a day or two, I'm going to call the vet over to put her to sleep at home, in the place she knows the most and where she'll have no fear, but I'm terrified by what I will have to go through and by the absence of my faithful companion in my life. I feel I could die along with her.

I know that it's useless to ask others what to do, but I'm feeling lost at the moment and just need to speak out the pain that I have in my heart and in my stomach.

Sorry for my ranting, but I feel that my life will have no meaning in the future, I will feel void and useless.

When we choose to love, we make the first step in the tunnel of sorrow. But how the life would be without Love? 

We, humans face the End in the emotional way, for Fear is given to us from the very first day of our life. Animals are gifted Love without Fear, so the End and Begining is the same for them.

Cats needs us to help them, our final duty is the way we escape Fear and to understand Life in the way we could not do otherwise. Dont be afraid.  Love drives out fear. 

The pain of loss is equal to our love, so can be overwhelming at times, I felt the same as you when I lost my little girl, the future does indeed seem bleak and empty. It helps to let some of that pain out and share it with others who understand, and there are many on this site who will help you and support you through the grieving process. To me, the loss was the most traumatic and horrible thing I have ever gone through, but you DO go on, and eventually you learn to live with your pain, and make a new life's order for yourself. 

The number one thing to remember is that your sweet little girl would NEVER want to be the cause of this much sorrow in your life. She  would want you to go on with your life and fill it with happiness once more, just as you would want for her if you were the first to go. Her life is at the point now, where quantity of life must give way to quality. And when quality deteriorates to suffering and a loss of dignity, the end is inevitable. You know when that point is reached, you know her and love her better than anyone else. This helping her end her pain will be one of the hardest thing you will ever go through, but somehow you must find the strength to end her pain through one last great act of love and compassion.

The bond you have formed over those 16 years can never be taken from you, she must take a different life's path now, but it will always parallel yours and she will always be near until your paths cross again.  The love you have for each other is spiritual, so although the physical body must stay here bound to this earth, the love you have for each other is eternal and will always be there when you need it.

I have found that filling that void of emptiness and loneliness with acts of love done in your little girl's name helps to distract our minds and gives meaning once more to our lives. Donate to a local food pantry or animal shelter gifts of litter and food, pay for the adoption of a cat that has been there a while to give them a better chance at finding a new forever home, and eventually donate your time to the kittens who so desperately need someone to care. These acts give your life a sense of purpose, give your mind something else to dwell on besides pain, and make you feel better about yourself.

Time is the ONLY thing that helps. It softens the edges of grief, it helps to arrange our lives to order once more. You will never forget your little one, she is a big part of your life. But it will be a part of your past now,  a very good part, cherish your moments you have left and love her all you can. She will leave you a legacy of love for the future, use it to build a future full of happiness and gratefulness for knowing her and for what she brought to you and your life.  Not burying it under a blanket of sorrow and grief.  

My heart cries for you. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. You are not alone. Please keep us posted, take care........

Im so sorry, i cried reading your post .. Beautiful Lola ..fought so hard, you loved and did all you could. She is with you 16 years plus .. these days are harder in some ways then even after they have gone before us.. to make the call to hold them close.. You will do what Lola needs you to do .. even though your heart bursts with sadness. knowing that she is at peace.. and that you took care of her.. in life and in death.. Your life of course has great meaning, as you are the keeper and beloved mama of Lola... i believe all things happen for a reason.. in her passing perhaps she is leading you to love another that needs you so very much. Never a replacement.. always with you.. again.. i feel your sorrow.. Please take solace in you will never forget sweet Lola.. she is in your heart always. 

Thanks to all of you for your beautiful words.

I have to be strong, I know, but it's so hard. My cat Lola is blind too, she lost her sight twelve months ago, then she regained it, then she lost it again, and over and over for a certain numbers of times. Though she can't see me anymore she never stops looking at me, especially when I feed her. She can't see me, but she knows that my eyes are into hers and this makes her happy. When she went blind we lost a perfect way of communication, we used to talk each other with our eyes.

I found her when she was only 10 days old, I bottle fed her, she opened her eyes, saw me as the first living being and chose me as her mother and trustful companion for life. She never leaves me, she's always after me, she cries when she doesn't know where I am.

I have dedicated my whole life to her, I did everything I could, sometimes I did the impossible to her. Some vets told me that I reached where nobody else ever dared to thought about. I renounced to almost everything so that I could help her. She's always been the centre of my life, the first thought in the morning, the last thought before sleeping.

She has trusted me all her life, she allows me to do everything to her, I never had trouble with taking care of her. Injections, pills, eyedrops, nebuliser. Nothing was impossible, she just let me do whatever I had to. She also enjoyed taking long walks with her lead on the street where we live, but our last walk is far back in the past, it was mid-September.

We travelled thousands km in order to find the best medical solutions for the many diseases that she had in her life. We were almost never satisfied with the first opinion, and this saved her life several times. She had a unlucky health, she suffered with CKD since she was 6 yo, was diagnosed FIV and HCM in last April, a shocking surprise to me. She had three cancers, two were fought off, the third one has won.

To whom I will dedicate my life when she leaves me?

My other cat loves me too, not in the same way as Lola does, and doesn't trust me at the same level. I would never do to her the same things I have done to Lola.

I'm married, my wife is important to me, of course, but you know that when I say that it's not the same thing I'm not crazy or saying monstrosities.

I will lose part of myself, because I and Lola have always been one thing. Part of me will go with her, I will never be whole again.

I went home during the lunch break today to see how she was and to feed her. I have found her better that this morning and yesterday. This means nothing, though, I know that it's only a matter of days. It won't be tomorrow, it could be the day after.

I'm shattered and I'm terrified by the fact that I could pick the wrong moment to make that call.

I know, many people told me that an early call is better than a late call. I both agree and disagree. She showed other very bad moments in the past. The worst were at the end of the past year, a few days past Christmas. I was absolutely sure that she was going to leave me before the end of the year. I had alerted the vets, I wanted to be sure they would be ready for me whenever I called. Well, two months have gone, and thanks God I didn't make that call. Lola had absolutely wonderful days. She also had some other bad days, but the balance has been positive so far. I would have lost two months with her, two months full of love and wonderful experiences if I had made that call.

What if this is just another one of those bad days and then she is going to feel better in a short time?

What would you do? Would you call the vet and ask him to do what can't be undone, or would you wait for more certainties to make sure you aren't too early?

Is mine a selfish point of view? How can I be sure that it isn't the same thing that Lola would prefer?

Why can't things follow the natural path of life? Why are we put to such hard tests?

(forgive me for any possible mistakes, English isn't my mother tongue, thank you)

You fought for Lola, all these years, showing a commitment beyond common understanding. Nobody can ask you to slow down the fight, since this is your way of living.  I say part of the difficulty is exactly this confrontation between the way you are and the action you feel forced to take.

Rest assured, nobody has the right to ask you do do anything you feel is not right, for rightness is in the heart, not in the mind. Dont be afraid for tomorrow, for tomorrow will take care for itself.  

First, no worries with the language,

My Kirsten was very ill but I felt she was not in pain. The morning she passed she sat on my lap, used the litter box. but somehow I knew

that her time was coming. She got into her favorite cabinet where there are soft shirts. I kept checking on her. Then I found her, her body

was still warm but she was gone. Her sweet paws were together,

It is hard to know when to make that call. Maybe you won't have to. She may go as my Kirs did.

So very sorry and I totally understand. Our cats are our children.

Hugs,

Mia

Solomonar said:

 
You fought for Lola, all these years, showing a commitment beyond common understanding. Nobody can ask you to slow down the fight, since this is your way of living.  I say part of the difficulty is exactly this confrontation between the way you are and the action you feel forced to take.

Rest assured, nobody has the right to ask you do do anything you feel is not right, for rightness is in the heart, not in the mind. Dont be afraid for tomorrow, for tomorrow will take care for itself.  

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Solomonar, I think that I never saw things under this perspective, I mean you say that the difficulty might stay in the fact that I have done so much that letting her go is against everything I did so far.

This makes parting harder and more painful.

But because this is the way that I am, this could also mean that I couldn't afford any other pet in the future because the amount of energy and "myself" that I put into their care is what will make me suffer a lot.

Probably I'm not the right person to have an animal, I get too much involved with them.

Originally Posted by Mia6  

My Kirsten was very ill but I felt she was not in pain. The morning she passed she sat on my lap, used the litter box. but somehow I knew

that her time was coming. She got into her favorite cabinet where there are soft shirts. I kept checking on her. Then I found her, her body

was still warm but she was gone. Her sweet paws were together,

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I would like to have Lola pass away in the most natural way as possible, but I'm afraid it won't be like this.

May I ask you what Kirsten was suffering from?

Your Kirsten wasn't in pain, but nonetheless you were expecting that to happen. I would like something of this kind for my Lola.

I had to go through this nightmare three times before. But those times I had no doubt at all, they were clearly at the end, nothing could have saved them but a miracle.

This time is so different.

I mean a warrior will be a warrior for ever, no matter how much will suffer, no matter how things are going on - perhaps because of  a strong sense of honor (which can also be seen as a feeling of duty as the Nature drops in us). One cannot negate his/her own nature. But he/she can know more about inner self and then things are clearer and easier.

Even your answer to my post shows you are strong.  

I am so very sorry. My Kirsten had kidney failure. I had enough of a certain pain med for cats that I would have given it to her. if I felt she was in pain.

Some vets here in the states will come to your house when it is time for them to cross over. so you don't have to take them here and it is done

very peacefully. Maybe your vet would do that.

God, I do how how painful this is for you.

I will keep you and Lola in my prayers.

Hugs,

Mia

This is the toughest decision anyone has to make for a beloved family member. I've had to have four cats put to sleep. I'd have wished for each of them to go naturally but it wasn't to be. It's a very personal decision about when that time is. I'm so very sorry you and Lola are going through this.

Mia6 said:

 
I am so very sorry. My Kirsten had kidney failure. I had enough of a certain pain med for cats that I would have given it to her. if I felt she was in pain.

Some vets here in the states will come to your house when it is time for them to cross over. so you don't have to take them here and it is done

very peacefully. Maybe your vet would do that.

God, I do how how painful this is for you.

I will keep you and Lola in my prayers.

Hugs,

Mia

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Thanks Mia.

Lola has Chronic Kidney Disease too. I always thought this was what would have taken her away from me, but because we were under strict control and all the parameters are still fine despite all she has been through, I was sure that Lola would have lived forever.

When I alerted the vets two months ago I asked them to come over, because I can't stand that Lola sees a stranger and frightening place as her last thing. I want her to stay in her bed, with her things, sounds and smells around.

Oh God, how it hurts!

betsygee said:

This is the toughest decision anyone has to make for a beloved family member. I've had to have four cats put to sleep. I'd have wished for each of them to go naturally but it wasn't to be. It's a very personal decision about when that time is. I'm so very sorry you and Lola are going through this.

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Thanks Betsygee, it seems I'm not alone in this nightmare. Knowing that others have had to take the same decision and live the same grief is somewhat reliefing, though it doesn't make this thing easier.

Antonio65 said:

betsygee said:

This is the toughest decision anyone has to make for a beloved family member. I've had to have four cats put to sleep. I'd have wished for each of them to go naturally but it wasn't to be. It's a very personal decision about when that time is. I'm so very sorry you and Lola are going through this.

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Thanks Betsygee, it seems I'm not alone in this nightmare. Knowing that others have had to take the same decision and live the same grief is somewhat reliefing, though it doesn't make this thing easier.

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One of our members wrote this beautiful piece dedicated to people who are in the terrible situation you're in now. Perhaps his thoughts will give you some comfort.

http://www.thecatsite.com/t/237066/when-the-moment-comes

So very sorry to hear this and that it is weighing on your mind which it does, we all have been there and it is one of the worst feelings you can ever endure if you are an animal lover. Perhaps like was mentioned, Lola will make the decision for you, it doesn't make it any easier but the guilt will be off your mind that you didn't have to make the decision. So sorry that you and she are dealing with this, but it sounds like it is time for her to go and become whole again in her next life.

If almost 17 years ago someone would have asked you "we'll give you this great cat to love and have, you will have her for 16 plus years, but after that she must go on to the next life, what do you say?" I'm sure you would've said yes.......unfortunately, we never know how long or short we will have them, we can only love them up and hope for the best.

I hope your heart heals more each day, and I'm sure things will work out for you both. God Bless.....

Antonio65 said:

 

Mia6 said:

 
I am so very sorry. My Kirsten had kidney failure. I had enough of a certain pain med for cats that I would have given it to her. if I felt she was in pain.

Some vets here in the states will come to your house when it is time for them to cross over. so you don't have to take them here and it is done

very peacefully. Maybe your vet would do that.

God, I do how how painful this is for you.

I will keep you and Lola in my prayers.

Hugs,

Mia

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Thanks Mia.

Lola has Chronic Kidney Disease too. I always thought this was what would have taken her away from me, but because we were under strict control and all the parameters are still fine despite all she has been through, I was sure that Lola would have lived forever.

When I alerted the vets two months ago I asked them to come over, because I can't stand that Lola sees a stranger and frightening place as her last thing. I want her to stay in her bed, with her things, sounds and smells around.

Oh God, how it hurts!

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Yes it hurts. We are all here for you.

Hugs,

Mia

betsygee said:

One of our members wrote this beautiful piece dedicated to people who are in the terrible situation you're in now. Perhaps his thoughts will give you some comfort.

http://www.thecatsite.com/t/237066/when-the-moment-comes

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Thanks Betsygee, I had found that post before I joined the forum and I have read it several times.
I'm also reading many threads in this section, I don't know if they help me feel less abandoned or if they make me worse, because I'm crying at others' desperate stories.
Lola is curled up on my lap at the moment, she got outside for a few minutes, then she followed me around the house until she tapped on my leg with her paw, that's the signal "sit down on the couch, I want to have a nap on your legs" .
I love her!

Les26 said:

Perhaps like was mentioned, Lola will make the decision for you, it doesn't make it any easier but the guilt will be off your mind that you didn't have to make the decision. So sorry that you and she are dealing with this, but it sounds like it is time for her to go and become whole again in her next life.

If almost 17 years ago someone would have asked you "we'll give you this great cat to love and have, you will have her for 16 plus years, but after that she must go on to the next life, what do you say?" I'm sure you would've said yes.......unfortunately, we never know how long or short we will have them, we can only love them up and hope for the best.

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I love the quest you wrote for me, yes I think I would have said Yes.
I do hope she will give a sign and tell me "I'm ready, let me go". Right now she's telling me the opposite, when I came back home from work she was much better than yesterday. This hasn't solved or removed the problem and the pain I will feel, it has just pushed forward in time that moment. One day, one week, who knows. Last night I didn't sleep because my heart was aching and my stomach was churning, now I'm feeling a bit better. Probably I won't sleep tonight either, but tomorrow I won't have to make that call.
Thanks, you are all so wonderful!

Antonio,

I treasure my last days with Kirs. I wish she would have passed in my arms but she chose her cabinet, which she always loved.

All 17 years with her were amazing. She was abandoned as a baby and she came into my life at the right time. I  know it is hard

but try and enjoy the last days with her.

Hugs,

Mia