New cat wants to play but old cat wants none of it

It's been nearly four months since my little boy adopted me. He's ten months old and my little girl is 18 months old. I had her a year before he showed up.

Whenever I try to have them in the same room, he constantly wants to rough house with her. Jumps on her. Runs after her. She hisses and growls and he doesn't listen. So then she fights him and he thinks they're playing.

To be clear I've gone through all the steps every cat site has recommended. They're 100% fine between closed doors. Doors slightly open. Baby gates. Screen doors. But I cannot go to the next step because of him wanting to play and her fighting. I don't know what to do.

Would you consider getting HIM a playmate.  In my experience, males are the best playmates for males, and females get fed up with their shenannigans.  Not always, but usually.  It's no different in most species.  Males play rougher and are rowdier, and most girls don't like it.    If he had a boy playmate, they would probably leave her alone and she could then be a happy queen of the house.

Sadly I live in a one bedroom apartment. Size-wise, two cats is the limit

K kashurr
I'm going to bump this to see if anyone else has some advice for you

Has spay/neuter been done? Do you have a cat tree or tall perch available? Our cats chase each other and play rough but they are not "hurting" each other. When our girl has had enough she bats the kitten and runs away but it is play time for them. Unless blood is being drawn I wouldn't worry. To see them in action  it looks scary to people but it is just cats being cats.

Kashurr,

I never saw this until your post on the other thread.

Just take it slow. Any positive encounter even if short if a step in the right direction.

Can he be distracted at all with play? If you have them on each side of a baby gate and he gets focused (or if they are together and he wants to chase) can you distract him? If she then sees he is not "after her" she will be more comfortable with him.

Keep associating him with good things (food especially). Do some scent swapping.

But it sounds like he is all excited that she is there and wants to play. So test the play distraction with them with a barrier first.

Step up play to try to tire him out a bit. It is hard but every little bit helps. After play feed treats or a meal.

Have they actually fought? I am guessing he is relentless so we have to distract him and let him want something else to play with. It sounds like she knows the limit as does he.

How do they act after he jumps on her etc? Especially her. Does she act differently? Hide? Walk more cautiously? Tail down? Anything different or is she resilient and act like it was nothing at all?

Is he food motivated? Try food to distract as well.

Build her confidence. Step up play with her and then feed after. Get her up in the world, on cat trees. 

I am not worried about what I have read but I want to truly understand the situation. It sounds like he is just excited, she is trying to tell him "not so rough" and she doesn't want to hurt him (Or him her).

Hang in there, we'll get this to work. I am highly confident things are fine but we don't want to go backwards.

So what happens when they're together in the same room is he'll go up to her and she'll hiss and growl. She stays crouched low to the ground with her tail low and ears halfway back. He keeps walking up to her and she slowly backs up hissing and growing until she's cornered. He then pounces on her. She fights him yowling. Making the sound you hear feral cats outside make. If she runs away he chases her. She feels safest low. She'll run under the bed or under the coffee table and he'll follow her. He never makes a sound.

I have multiple cat trees though neither uses them when they're in the same room. their fighting doesn't stop until i stop it usually with a loud clap and separate them. Once he notices her any distraction doesn't work, whether food or play. It hasn't gotten to the point that there is blood mostly because I don't want it to get to that. But based on her sounds and body language, she doesn't seem to be "playing" but he thinks they are.

Other than when they're in the same room together they're fine. She doesn't hiss or growl at him through closed doors, slightly open doors, baby gate or anything.

She is not yet ready for him. She still doesn't trust him so we need to keep them separated with a barrier and keep associating with good things. We want positive encounters as much as possible. So go back to having them separated and do some scent swapping as well. The more she feels comfortable the more likely she will accept. Now we also need to build her confidence during this time of separation. Please step up play in her areas. After play feed treats or a meal. Try to get her up in her trees. And let her know she is loved (without putting yourself at risk of being hurt in anyway).

What you are experiencing is normal. I find the resident cat most always has the tougher adjustment as it is their territory being invaded. So we need to keep associating the new cat with positive things (especially food) and to make sure every encounter is as positive as possible.

It sounds like he wants to play and the fact there is no blood is very good. She acts like prey and he views her as prey. So we want her to be confident and not act like prey. Confident cats are less likely to attack or be attacked. We also want to build the new cats confidence.

Do the scent swapping as well for now. At some point let's do the site swapping. And keep them separated for now. Just give her more time.

The fact he is not distracted with her makes it a little more difficult. Try to work to distract while they are separated with the gate. If we can get him to be distracted and to realize a toy is more interesting then her then we are in great shape. But we need to work on that.

We don't want her to associate him with negative things (like chasing etc).

I think we just need to do the above and give it more time. I hope this makes sense, please ask anything for clarification.

She's a confident cat when he can't get to her. She goes up to strangers super friendly. She pounces at the door or barrier when he's on the other side. She does love perching on her cat trees and other high places, but hides under things when uncomfortable.

I've been doing the scent and spot swapping for months. When I first got him she hissed at his scent. Right now I switch which room they're in. In fact, she loves to lie where his litter box would be if I didn't move it with him.

I play with each of them both separately and when they can see each other through the barrier. I always feed them on opposite sides of the barrier and they have no problems being so close. I've even had the door open and fed them that way for a short while while they're eating and they ignore each other during that time.

You are doing all the right things. Sometimes it just takes time. The more they are near each other without a negative incident the more the trust and confidence will be for her. Just more positive reinforcement (time) is needed I think. There are positives here. A lot of them. We just need to cross that final hurdle. She just still does not totally trust him but if you continue what you are doing I am highly confident she will. The fact he wants to play and doesn't want to hurt her is a HUGE positive. She will understand that eventually.

Please keep on working to get him to be distracted when he sees her (with the barrier in place). If we can distract him that will be very helpful when they do meet without a barrier.

When we do get them together having him tired out as much as possible could be helpful to his not wanting to play with her as much (and hopefully we will have distracting as an option as well).

I think you are situation is highly favorable to working out. I just think more time is needed. I know it is frustrating but you are actually is a very good place and I ma highly confident you will succeed given your efforts and knowledge and the cats personalities. You are doing all the right things.

We will be here for you. I wish I had a secret trick but you are doing all the right things. I am highly confident you will find success here.

So update:
I managed to get a barrier in between the door that he can't climb over so I don't have to constantly watch. I feed them on each side of the barrier/gate where they can see each other and that's fine. I am able to distract him from her through the gate so far. I make sure to play with both of them on each side of the gate within view of the other.

I have noticed compared to the smaller gate where I had to be closer to it, she didn't hiss at him through the gate. With this taller gate where I can step away from, she hisses and growls at him when he gets close to the gate. Sometimes I go and distract him while sometimes I let them figure it out on their own through the gate. Usually he reaches through the gate at her still wanting to play.

Still never have I heard him hiss ever. And he still doesn't back away from her when she hisses at him. Every time he can see her he chirps and when I don't let him at her he'll meow sadly (even if I'm with him and have played with him for a while)

Great that you got a barrier and are feeding on both sides. If one starts to get funny please try to distract with play. That goes for her as well as him. We want to associate with good things (food, play) but also minimize negative encounters (hissing). I do love that he does not take it hard that he stands his ground and wants to still play. We have to still work on her.

It sounds like he is going to be fine, she needs time to adjust and see that he is not a threat. It just takes time.

We want to get to the point where she either wants to play with him or she isn't bothered by him and just either looks at him or sits there or walks by.

You'll get there, keep up the good work. Associating with positive things (food, play) and maximizing positive encounters and minimizing the negatives (hissing). Distract as needed. Also try to do some scent swapping (especially with his scent by her near where she is confident and happy and relaxed.

A lot of positives, you are on the right track.

We are here for you always. 

She normally is fine with him next to her through the gate. It's not until he paws at her until she hisses. Mostly because she has bad experiences with him the few times I did have them without a barrier. He doesn't back away from her. So it'll never be where he's just there and they ignore each other. She just wants to be left alone and even when she tries to tell him this (through hissing) he doesn't listen to her. I'd much rather that they ignore each other.

She can smell him everywhere. I swap places all the time. At night I used to put him in the bathroom then during the day I'd switch him to the bedroom. The litter box would be moved back and forth. She'd always lie where his litterbox would have been.

I can distract him from her for a short amount of time. But the second he gets bored (which is fairly quick) he goes after her. The few times I had tried to introduce them, or if he managed to get out, he ran after her. There never was a "he ignores her and does something else" even when they're separated and I'm with him, all he wants to do is go after her.

The other day when I was first setting up the barrier I thought it was set properly and went to the bathroom and he managed to climb all the way over and cornered her. By the time I managed to get to stop the fighting she had a tuft of his fur in her claws. Thankfully skin wasn't broken but she was visibly upset. Meanwhile he thought they were wrestling and tried to wriggle from my arms and go after her.

Thing is I work six days a week twelve hours a day so I don't have time to work with them constantly.

Just keep them with a barrier. It will take time for him to lose interest in her (and to get more comfortable) and for her to trust him more. Keep trying to associate them with good things especially food. During this time try to maximize their positive encounters (distract as needed) and minimize any negative encounters. Keep trying to build their confidence both in their areas and when you do the site swapping. Build confidence through play and after playing feed either treats or a meal. The more confident a cat is the less likely they will chase/fight and less likely to be chased or picked on. When you do some scent swapping again try to associate with positive things especially food.

We have to keep them physically separate for now. Until we seen signs that they are more accustomed to each other.

Keep trying to distract. We need him especially to find a toy and play more interesting than her.

What you are going through is very normal. There were some setbacks so we have to build up the trust and confidence but we can do that even with your work schedule.

Hang in there, it will take some time but you can do it. Please keep us up on how things are going and what is working and what isn't.

Still no change between the two.

I switch both of them between the living room and bedroom. When I'm home I have a gate up. When I'm away from home I close the door between the rooms.

He'll paw through the gate. If she's near, occasionally she'll hiss at him through the gate. He's not distracted by anything. When he's with me he'll constantly want to be where she is to play. He'll chirp when he sees her through the cat when he's on whatever side I'm on.

It's been six months since I got him and I cannot have them in the same room. They have to constantly be separated and the past four months there's been absolutely no change in the way they interact with each other.

Sadly I've been trying to find a home for him. I can't keep them like this. I live in a one bedroom apartment and they only get to be in half of it. Not to mention it's difficult not being able to go back and forth between rooms easily. He's scratched the carpet up completely in the doorway between rooms trying to get to her.

This is an 8-minute video that gives you the whole process to use. It DOES work.

Yes I've done all that. And they're fine up to step five. They're fed on opposite sides of a baby gate and ignore each other. I am unable to do step six. As soon as they're in the same room as each other he goes after her to try to play. This is regardless of any distraction, whether food or toy or attention. This is also regardless of how much energy he has. I've tried tiring him out with play before having them in the same room and he still goes after her. She would be happy to ignore him but he wants to play with her.

So those steps don't really help me. I've already looked up all this, including that video, and have followed those steps up until having them in the same room as it never goes well.

The only thing left to do is get him a little boy kitten to play with, one big enough to rough house with him, and one already used to other cats and playing.

Yeah I can't have three cats in a 600 square foot apartment.