Feeling anxious/guilty about leaving kitten alone!

Hun, I think you need to take care of yourself right now. It sounds like the stress is spilling over to other areas of life, and you can't have that. I don't know why the kitten is behaving like this (normal kitten behavior? I don't know, thankfully both my then-kittens were pretty chill from the get go), but it's adversely affecting your health and quality of life.

"Giving up on him" is a wrong mindset. Maybe it's just not a match? Maybe you can do a kitten exchange (before or after your trip?) You are trying to save up for big things, which is stressful enough as it is without having the additional stress of a kitten. You're going to board him for 2 weeks, what's that cost compare to returning him and picking up another (or two) when you return?

I don't want you to give up on yourself. I don't want this kitten to cause you emotional duress. I don't want this kitten to create strife with you and your partner. I'm pretty sure you don't want that either. 

Don't wallow in regrets and guilt. You've already acknowledged the 'should have's. Now is the time to take a DEEP breath, and think about what's best for YOU and KITTEN. Try thinking (or better writing down, even writing to us) different possibilities. List the pros and cons of each one. 

I have suffered from panic attacks. It's an awful experience. I had to talk to a counselor who helped me come to a self realization about what was causing my attacks. Making up different solutions to my problem at the time helped. I got support from very dear friends. It all worked out in the end. Even better than I could have imagined. 

It'll be ok hun. 

We got gracie when she was 7 weeks old and as both work full time and I felt so guilty for the first time leaving her the next day ! However my partner is a painter and decorator and for the first couple of weeks he used to pop during his break to check up on her ! We have scatch post and tons toys ! She has been spoilt the last month as my partner he's been on nights so with her during the day and me during the night; although this week he is on days so she's had 8 hours on her own. I've never owned a cat let alone a kitten and she is a hell of a lot more work than I thought she would be ! Diference between mine and your situation apart from partner sometimes being on nights is that gracie sleeps in our room! Always has done ! I play with Her for hours when I get home until she sleeps in bed with us ! Can't your partner re think sleeping situation ? I def feel better knowing she's with me l night ! She doesn't bother getting out of bed until I do in the morning as she knows Im the one who feeds her and cleans her litter

nevroth said:

 
Oh hunny!! 

 It'll be all right. There are wise words already posted and it seems like you've come to a few self-realizations too so I just wanted to say that it'll be ok. Maybe once your partner sees how adorable the kitten is they won't mind if he sleeps on the bed with you. Do you think the group where you adopted him from can watch him while you're away? That way he's someplace familiar?

When you get back from your trip keep an eye open for any available kittens. I agree that a 2nd now while he's young would be best. I waited 3yrs until I got a second kitten and though they are friendly they are not super cuddly buddies. I wish they had that bond but you can't force it. I thought they could keep each other company but I feel like I just have 2 lonely cats when I'm away ;C

Technology is really amazing nowadays. Maybe something like this? https://petcube.com/camera/?gclid=C...3iK5TBU0vLJ2hVYciL83gvUy7Ovz1nSnCUaAkWL8P8HAQ

It's expensive, but it's a one time cost without the stress of another life to care for, and you can even play with him while you're at work (on break/lunch of course 

) I'm saving up for one myself! But there are other ones, maybe an Aussie brand that you can easily get.

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Interesting Toy! COOL thanx for sharing  Cats can play Red Dot from a distance -with my lot the whole place would be

trashed when I'd return addictions run deep-  But perfect for just a pet or two, clever idea    

* you can dispense treats as well!  (If only they could do all this for little humans lol)

OK the ads all over the side of the page but you did mention it.. .

Sometimes it can be overwhelming to be responsible for the care and happiness of another living thing.  There is no shame in realizing you may not be up to the task right now.  Guilt can be devastating.  Maybe you can find someone to take him and later you might find your better prepared to raise a cat?

I agree that another kitten would be good company for your kitten but as some others have said if you are feeling this much anxiety it is not healthy for you.  You cannot risk your own health. 

My family and I decided this time when we adopted that getting 2 was better for them.  I think they are happier and more contented with a companion.  When we first got them at 10 weeks old we kept them in the bathroom with a bed they shared, the litter box and some food and water.  I understand why your partner does not want him in the bedroom at night.  Just last night I was awakened at 4am by Tosh's purring because my husband was petting him.  They are definitely a nighttime disturbance. 

Good Luck!!

Honestly, I don't think the issue is the kitten's misbehaving, not letting you sleep at night, etc.  The issue is that you have "bitten off" more than you can chew at this juncture of your life.  I do not want you to beat yourself up about what has happened here, just trying to help you grab ahold of the situation and be able to go forward in the appropriate way for you, your kitten and your partner.  Question, did not the 2 of you discuss adopting a pet beforehand?   If not, it is easier to see why there is a problem here.  I know you want a cat, and believe me, I can tell by all that I have read from you that you would be a wonderful, conscientious cat parent.  The problem here is that you do not have the right match for your lifestyle and of course that trip coming up.  Excellent suggestions have come to you from the other members, I did not have a chance to read through all thoroughly, so I am going to ask, is it possible to return the kitten?  Go on your trip, when you get back, have a long, heart to heart conversation with your partner, and decide TOGETHER what type of pet to have at this juncture in your lives.  Got to remember, there are 2 of you, it's not just what you want.  I got my Katy from a ASPC shelter, she was spayed, had all her shots, etc., and she cost only $25.00.  I too am a working woman who lives alone.  I knew that I could not handle a kitten with all they demand with my life style being so busy.  I got Katy from the  "Cats who do best in a family who have no other pets" room.  Katy does not get along with other cats, therefore no guilty feelings when I have to leave her at home and go to work.  She does sleep with me, I think that is very important to allow your cat to sleep with you. Again, that's just my opinion.  The most important thing if you return her, please, please, please have that conversation with your partner first, and GO TOGETHER to pick out your older cat.  I have found that life is continually a learning experience and that mistakes are most certainly going to be made, but just know as long as you and I are members of this wonderful site, we can get good help and suggestions from those who care.

My heart sank when I read your thread, and I really feel for you.  I too suffer from anxiety and cats have been medicine to me over the years.  But, it's cruel to leave a brand new, wee baby kitten all on its lonesome all day long, then have its territory curtailed when you're at home by being shut out/in of a room.  He won't know what's expected of him, whether he's allowed to be a kitten or a member of your family or what...  I know you don't want to hear that, and I don't want to say it.  I would have said to take a few days off work to settle him in but that time has passed.  He's already begun having behavioural problems most likely due to boredom and the stress of being alone.  These are going to get worse, not magically go away.  Your going away will cause him even more anxiety and stress.  You're basically cooking up a whole lot of trouble for the rest of his life, and it won't be fun for you either.  Your clear anxiety will be rubbing off on him too, the more you stress, the more he'll stress.  He'll be feeling every bit as anxious as you are.

So, you could arrange for a friend to call in half way through the day, or even advertise for a cat-sitter to swing by.  This would help break up your kitten's day and relieve boredom.  Two kittens alone all day can be like a whirlwind, leaving devastation in its wake, and they get into all kinds of nonsense with each other to egg them on.  So, an older cat might be a better companion, it could be 1yr old or so, which is still a kitten, just a slightly more worldy-wise one.  And, although having a cat-sitter come into your home whilst you're away is usually less upsetting for your cat than going to a cattery, in this case, it would basically feel like you've abandoned it.

My heart is in my stomach as I write this but I think you should either have him fostered until you come back from holiday, and have the time to settle him in with the possibility of a sibling.  Or to rehome him now, whilst his behavioural problems (scratching up your house) can still be reversed.  It's not the right time.  It will be another time though.

Write that Pros and Cons list, it will help you see a clearer picture.  I'm ever so grateful to this site and for your turning  to it, it's so brave of you.  Well done.   

I'm so very sorry for you.  Lots and lots of love xxx

I don't really think returning him will help me in the long run, I'll only beat myself up about it and to be honest I think it will put me off ever adopting again if I have to give him up. I've seen my therapist and she thinks that the kitten has just been a catalyst on top of a bunch of other things that are causing me stress lately (redundancies at work, added pressure at work, family drama, wedding planning). I'm just feeling spread a bit thin and need to break things down into small manageable chunks. Not getting any sleep is not helping that in any way.

We discussed getting a cat for months beforehand, and it was always going to sleep outside of our bedroom. I didn't even know it was an issue until someone pointed it out a few days after we got him. The vet we saw on Tuesday didn't seem worried that the kitten sleeps in the living room, he said kittens are terrible bed mates and it's important we get a good night's sleep so we have the energy to look after and play with the kitten. The vet also said that cats that are left alone is just one of those things that happens in this day and age, we can no longer let our cats roam free day and night and we have to work to feed them. Some cats are fine with this, some need company, it just depends on the cat. He said 2 cats equals double the cost, especially for things like vet bills. The kitten doesn't seem to be stressed, he's cuddly, playful, eats well, is healthy, enjoys watching birds out the window and seems quite chilled when we get home (just super cuddly). He is well fed, has a safe clean home, lots of toys, clean litter and people that love him. Maybe we can't spend hours and hours a day playing with him and cuddling him, but he gets our attention for an hour in the morning, and again for another 3 hours in the evening, is this not enough?

this was the reason why we didn't look for a small kitten. They do need a lot of attention and company when they are young. And they get into a lot more trouble. They have a harder time entertaining themselves. Even my 8 months old gets lonely during the day, even if I know he sleeps most of the time. The idea of him being alone all night too would break my heart. He sleeps with us since the third day. Do we have good nights?! Not really, but we're all getting better at it.

Where did I say it was about me? Of course it's not about me, but I'm trying to tell myself that I CAN do this, rather than doubting myself like I have been for the last week. 

The kitten was adopted through an organisation that uses foster carers. His carer had picked him and his sister up at 8 weeks old. The carer also worked full time so he is used to being without human company during the day. His sister was adopted separately the day we picked him up, so he would have been alone after that (she only had the 2 and wasn't going to get any more until both had been adopted). The foster carer didn't mention if the 2 slept in her room or not. The foster carer and organisation owner were both fully aware of my situation and raised no concerns other than that he needed to be vaccinated. Both even mentioned that it's good to get kittens used to catteries early. The cattery he's going into for the 2 weeks is run by a woman who worked in animal rescue for 15 years, she lives on site and only keeps about 12 cats at a time, each in their own large room with lots of toys. She spends time with each one every day.

I'm trying to weigh up the pros and cons here, this is what I've come up with...

Pros of keeping him:

[if !supportLists]-        [endif]Safe clean home

[if !supportLists]-        [endif]Necessary care (quality food, clean litter, fresh water, cosy beds, scratching posts, various rotated toys, music, familiar scents from old clothing, soft toys to cuddle up to)

[if !supportLists]-        [endif]Morning/evening play time

[if !supportLists]-        [endif]Birds to watch out the window

[if !supportLists]-        [endif]Eventually time outside on a harness

[if !supportLists]-        [endif]All day/most of day company on weekends

[if !supportLists]-        [endif]Gets run of the whole house until we go to bed

[if !supportLists]-        [endif]Is loved and cared about

Cons of keeping him:

[if !supportLists]-        [endif]No human or kitty company from 8AM-6PM during weekdays

[if !supportLists]-        [endif]Has to sleep in living room or spare bedroom at night

[if !supportLists]-        [endif]We've had to replace our vinyl padded dining chairs as he's scratched them up

[if !supportLists]-        [endif]Has to go into a cattery for 2 weeks at the start of March

Pros of rehoming:

[if !supportLists]-        [endif]He *may* find a home with owners that are home a lot more, or let him sleep in their bed, or have another kitten for company

[if !supportLists]-        [endif]He *may* have more kitten and/or human company in foster care

Cons of rehoming:

[if !supportLists]-        [endif]He will have to go back into (likely unfamiliar) foster care, and there's no determining how long this will be for (he was advertised for a month before we got him)

[if !supportLists]-        [endif]He *may* still be alone during the day and/ore night in foster care

A second kitten is an option but it will have to wait until we are back from overseas (so in 5-6 weeks time). If I can keep him safe, healthy and reasonably happy until then isn't that enough? He'll only be 18 weeks old by then so perhaps he can still adjust to a couple of changes (being going into a cattery and then introducing a second kitten to our home). Or is there no chance I can make this work?

In times like these, I remember what my papi used to say,

"Where there's a will, there's a way."

Also,

"If you want something to happen, make it happen."

I work at a shelter. We don't adopt kittens out to anyone who works all day unless they are in pairs. A lot of destructive kitten behavior is due to being bored. A kitten that is alone most of the day will get bored on a regular basis and is likely to be much more destructive. Toys and cat scratchers are not enough for a kitten who needs interactive play all day long. In this situation we generally would recommend an older cat, already grown up at least two or three years old. 

You can go ahead and try to make this work until you can get another kitten, but now is very important bonding time for the kitten. Being gone for two weeks in the middle of that may be detrimental to that bond. 

So 4 weeks with us is not enough time to build any sort of bond? I'm kind of confused because the organisation owner was aware of our work situation, I asked her if us going away would be a problem and should we wait, she said it was fine and it would be good to get him used to being in a cattery at a young age. She claims to be experienced and knowledgeable on cat's needs and has successfully rehomed hundreds of cats. If our lifestyle and travel plans are a problem then why would she have ever agreed to let us adopt? 

Matai88 said:

It's not really an option to get a second kitten right now, I just can't afford to fork out another $200+ for a second kitten and extra supplies with our trip coming up :-( I don't know what to do. If I had any inkling that I'd feel this overwhelmed I would have never considered getting a kitten :-(

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Hi, Matai88.  Ease up on yourself.  Cats adapt well.  From what I've read here, I am more concerned for your wellbeing than that of the kitten at this point.  He or she seems to be alright and very loved.  You have to take care of yourself first, otherwise, you won't be able to provide for your kitty.  Cats are wired to be solitary creatures.  On their own, they harness their natural instincts to adapt and survive, otherwise, there would be no cat rescuers or TNR people.  

Matai88 said:

 
Cons of keeping him:

-       No human or kitty company from 8AM-6PM during weekdays

-       Has to sleep in living room or spare bedroom at night

-       We've had to replace our vinyl padded dining chairs as he's scratched them up

-       Has to go into a cattery for 2 weeks at the start of March

Pros of rehoming:

-       He *may* find a home with owners that are home a lot more, or let him sleep in their bed, or have another kitten for company

-       He *may* have more kitten and/or human company in foster care

Cons of rehoming:

-       He will have to go back into (likely unfamiliar) foster care, and there's no determining how long this will be for (he was advertised for a month before we got him)

-       He *may* still be alone during the day and/ore night in foster care

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The rehoming part would bother me personally, more than anything else if it were my kitty.  There are no guarantees for the "pros of rehoming."  The adoption agency staff saw something in you.  You said adopting another kitty was out of the question.  Our happiness, be it the object of another's happiness, provides us with the drive, the creativeness to make happen whatever needs to happen.  Harness this for the good of yourself, your kitty and everyone you love.  Reconsider a companion for your kitty, if it will lead to you feeling better about yourself.  Talk to your partner about his feelings of why he is not comfortable with kitty sharing his pillow.  I would give so much for my cat to sleep with me.  I have to have my bedroom door closed to sleep soundly, so I installed a cat door for him.  When I'm here on the computer or watching a movie, and he wants solitude, he goes in and sleeps.  When I go to bed and squeeze into what area of the bed is left, so as not to disturb him, he gets up and leaves. I go "whatever.. bye!"  Tell your partner, there was an article in the news this week, of a cat biting the mom on the arm as she and her family slept.  Why?  The house was on fire.  This cat saved their lives, and a firefighter saved his.  

So what good is "night vision" when you're asleep at night.  Once kitty is a young adult, he/she may not do much night time sleeping anyway.

I hadn't realised you've had kitty four weeks, I thought was was just two.  You'll definitely both have bonded by now.  What's his name, by the way?  My kitten is called, Dudley, he's 1 yr old on Sunday, so I'm squeezing out the last drops of his kittenhood   

You do sound very determined for kitty to remain as part of your family, and I'm proud of you fiercely sticking to your guns.  You clearly love him a great deal    So, I think we should all turn our concentration on to how the three of you are to proceed together, as rehoming doesn't appear to be an option for you....

Is the cattery nearby?  You could take him on a wee day-trip there to check it out.  Then, he would have done the journey once already, know the smells, noises, and general vibe of the cattery, and most importantly know that he gets to return home after his visit.  Catteries recommend you check them out before taking your cat, so I see no reason why kitty shouldn't come too.  I had a kitten when I lived in Highland Scotland, who I knew would have to do a fair amount of journeys in her life, so I took her in the car with me whenever I went to the nearest town to the supermarket, an 80 mile (130k) round trip.  She learned to be unfazed by the car and coming & going places.

Does he sleep in his own cat bed or on the spare bed?  If he sleeps in his own bed, could you not persuade your partner to let him stay in your room for one, trial night?  It might be that he just snuggles down to sleep in his own bed when you do.  Dudley has always come to bed with me when I retire, he's usually asleep before me and doesn't get up til I do!  If it's only for one night, this coming weekend, let's say, your partner might agree.  

As for his being left alone, is there no one who would be willing to call in on him through the day?  It would make life so much easier if there were.  Do you have neighbours?  Or friends who pass your place anyway and might be willing to spend 20 minutes with him.  Maybe you could chat to your neighbours and tell them about kitty.  If you were my next-door neighbour I'd be only too happy to pop in to say hi and have a wee play & a cuddle.  It's a good idea to get to know your neighbours anyway, in case of an emergency where you'd need someone to attend to kitty.

Getting another cat might be easier than you think.  I know that my depression and anxiety causes me to make mountains out of molehills when there are simple solutions to be found.  Ask the shelter where you rescued kitty if they'd reduce their adoption fee, seeing as how you'd be taking another cat off their hands and that two of their previous cats would be happier together than alone.  Maybe put an advert up with tear off telephone number strips, asking if there are any young cats in your neighbourhood that need a good, loving home.   Someone might see the advert and be happier to let you adopt their cat, rather than take it to shelter.

A good time to get the new cat might be just before you go away, so that kitty and he/she can share a cattery run.  They'd probably be best of friends by the time you returned.  

Of course there's a "chance you can make it work", as @nevroth  says, "where there's a will, there's a way".  Just make sure that all three of you (potentially four) are happy with the situation. 

Hi Brian, I'll try to answer all your questions [emoji]128522[/emoji]

I've had the kitten, Pebble for 2 weeks, but by the time we go away it will have been 4 weeks.

The cattery is nearby and so far he's fine on car trips, even up to an hour long. Checking out the cattery is a good idea, thanks for that suggestion.

He seems to prefer sleeping on the couch over anywhere else, even though he's got 2 beds, he won't go in either of them! I've tried to make a few beds at different levels, in boxes, in cupboards, but he either wants to be on the couch, on my pillow/head (and right near my face making it hard to breathe!) Or attacking my hands/feet/hair. He's a nightmare to share a bed with and won't sleep in any bed I try to make him! Night time for Pebble is PARTY ATTACK KILL CRAZY time!

Unfortunately all of my friends live at least half an hour drive away and either work full time or have babies to take care of. All our family and other friends live overseas. Our neighbours don't really say much other than hi when we smile and wave, and the closest ones are elderly and ill or a young family with a dog that never gets any attention at all and barks at everything, I wouldn't exactly trust them with a cat...

As mentioned earlier I'm open to getting a second cat but our finances don't allow for that this month. This trip is costing us thousands but we have to go and see our family, we can't delay it any longer (especially considering my grandma is rapidly deteriorating, she might not be here for our wedding).

Another short term suggestion is to leave the tv on a wildlife channel, Pebble would feel soothed by the sounds and distracted by the images.  When Dudley was about Pebble's age he loved watching The Walking Dead with me.  Brian LOVED zombie films too!  He'd come and sit right in front of the tv for the whole film, weirdo  
Dudley and the Dead. 

Matai88 said:

 
So 4 weeks with us is not enough time to build any sort of bond? I'm kind of confused because the organisation owner was aware of our work situation, I asked her if us going away would be a problem and should we wait, she said it was fine and it would be good to get him used to being in a cattery at a young age. She claims to be experienced and knowledgeable on cat's needs and has successfully rehomed hundreds of cats. If our lifestyle and travel plans are a problem then why would she have ever agreed to let us adopt? 

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4 weeks is good for bonding yes. But then to be away half that long is concerning. When I was younger, we had a kitten for a week or so, and then went camping for a week and left her with a house sitter. She was never really the same with us after that. That would be my main concern. Hopefully all would be fine, but no guarantees. 

My main concern was you saying the kitten was tearing things up. This is an obvious sign of boredom at home. 

Does that cattery play with kittens a lot when they are boarded there or are they left alone in a cage most of the time? This will effect how the kitten enjoys time while you're on vacation. 

Another idea is to hide treats in obscure places around your house and to buy a food puzzle/maze thingamabob.  That way Pebble will spend time hunting for the treats and figuring out the puzzle.  Then, hopefully, he'll feel exhausted and need a sleep.  It will waste a bit of time in his day and make the time go by faster