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Struggling to cope.....

post #1 of 22
Thread Starter 

Hello.... I've just joined and this is my first post.....  I lost my gorgeous boy over the weekend; 12 year-old Ollie who had such character.  I would make a cup of tea and he would wait until my back was turned before sinking his head inside the cup – I miss him  so much it hurts.

 

Ollie became ill last week and was given an antibiotic injection with instructions to give him the same in tablet form for the following 5 days.  The vet  wanted to see him again because his chest wasn’t clear and his weight was 3.5 kg but he perked up, so I didn’t make that visit.  He seemed to be doing well and his chest was clear, although I noticed how sleepy he’d become and how his breathing still looked a bit too fast.  He was a happy little soul though, always pleased to see us but would only roll over and let my daughter fuss him; she had “the knack” apparently (smiling).  I thought perhaps his teeth might be causing him discomfort – the vet had commented about them - so I planned to book him in to have the back ones removed – but I didn’t get that chance.  On Saturday morning, he was ok when we left the house but when I got home later in the  afternoon, he was sat in the conservatory and quite unbalanced; almost glazed over and wouldn’t respond.  I took him into the hallway where it was more comfortable and he tried to walk in a slow circle and then went from one place to the next but wouldn’t stop moving about. 

 

I rushed him up to a different vet this time because they would be open on a Saturday – and he was examined thoroughly but I was unable to get blood tests done because of it being a weekend.  The vet said he had a heart murmur and was concerned at the circular walking – she said it could be his heart, thyroid or even cancer – there was no way of telling for sure.  She gave him an anti-inflammatory injection and a B12 injection because his weight had now dropped further to 2.9 kg in the space of a week.   I booked him in for blood tests for the following week and took him home; gut instinct telling me he was probably hyperthyroid because I had a cat lose weight like this before.

 

He had been stressed in the car and at the vets; panting on and off which hadn’t happened at home.  When I got him home he was so restless.  I picked him up and held him in my arms - he was so light to hold.  I got into my dressing gown and sat down with him on my chest so he wouldn’t feel restricted in anyway – and his breathing seemed to ease and the panting stopped– but his heart was still pounding.  He drifted in and out of consciousness I think as the time ticked by – his breathing became much slower and weaker – but he was calm with me, which in time I will draw comfort from but not right now.  I held him for a long time – until he took his last breath at around 10pm on Saturday night and relaxed completely into my arms.  I think his soul had already gone earlier that evening....  I’d like to think so.

 

It had all happened so suddenly; I was devastated.  My little friend had gone.  If only I’d taken him back to the vet, if only I’d had him tested for hyperthyroid earlier.  If only, if only.... I understand it’s a process of grieving but I’m not sure what’s worse; going off somewhere to pass away like some animals do, having to make a tough decision to end their suffering or having them die with you, being able to recognise your voice and feel your warmth.   He was only 12 though; nearly 13 but still 12.  We were just not ready to lose him and not as suddenly as this.

 

My proud little warrior – we had no time to prepare for losing you.  You brightened all of our days with your sweet funny ways.  I’ve never known a cat be so vocal – with so many sounds to signify different things.  You were my daughter’s alarm clock; waiting outside for the sound and then wanting to get in her room – even on her days off.   You always knew when she was due home as well – only going outside to wait in the porch at those times.  You were my little playmate too – trying to catch my legs if I went past you in the hallway or in the garden – it seemed like yesterday when you ran down the hallway after a ball I’d thrown.  Forever nosey and curious – pulling the towel off the box in the bathroom every single time for no reason, as once it had fallen, you trod on it and walked off.  I miss you hugely.... Your final resting place is in our garden where you liked to sit in warm weather – never far away and always close to home - but your spirit runs free.  Find the others for me my fur baby and feel the cool breeze running behind you.....  We will never forget the love you gave us and I hope you always knew you meant the world to us too.  xxx

 

I felt the need to post this - I hope no-one minds - I'm hurting like Hell..... keep thinking I could have done more, should have known, might have saved him.... He was our little warrior xxx

post #2 of 22
Thread Starter 

My gorgeous boy Ollie.... miss him so much xxx

 

post #3 of 22

I am glad you found this site, I just wish it were under different circumstances. There are many people here who understand how you are feeling. They are more than pets, to many they are our soul mates. Your bond with Ollie was so very special, I am sorry that he had to move on to his next journey, we grieve with you and all the others that have lost a special friend. Ollie be free from pain and run free you will always be loved :rbheart:

post #4 of 22
Thread Starter 

Thank you.... your kind words mean a lot....  He went so quicky and there was no time.  I only wish I could have done more for him - am still blaming myself - it's the not knowing what his illness was that's not helping - there were too many symptoms at the end and no time to help him.  I've had a hyperthyroid cat before but she was never unbalanced like he was at the end and had no heart murmer.  So confused and feeling a complete failure..... Wish I could reassure myself that he passed away while resting on me instead of somewhere else but I haven't reached that  point yet - so devastated still.

post #5 of 22
It's totally devastating to lose a pet. Try not to focus on his last day, but, rather, on the 12 wonderful years you had with Ollie. rbheart.gifrbheart.gif
post #6 of 22

You were there at the end for him, you comforted him and he knew he was loved. I really am heartbroken for you  I can tell by your words just how much he meant to you and how much he loved his family. He will always be your special little guy and warrior.

post #7 of 22

This is so hard.  The sudden loss makes this more difficult.  I lost my Kiki just 8 days ago after only 2 days of illness

I had no idea just how sick she was until we got to the ER vet.  I never knew that would be a one way trip

At the end, her pain was controlled and she purred for me before she crossed over.  I'm searching for pictures so I can have those memories.

 

I'm so sorry for your loss.  It sounds like he crossed in peace and will be waiting for you at the rainbow bridge.

post #8 of 22

Sometimes no matter how much we want it to be different, it still is the time for them to go. I think little Ollie went exactly the way he wanted to, held by the one he loved above all and in his own home where he spent those happy years. Please don't blame yourself for something that was beyond your control, it changes nothing and I know for sure your little boy would never hold anything against you, he loves you too much.  There is truly nothing to feel guilty for, you did nothing wrong, and everything you did you did for love. The bond you have with that sweet boy is almost thirteen years strong, he will always be tied to your soul, and will never be far from your side. Use your precious memories to comfort yourself and know he is at rest now, no prolonged pain, just the knowledge that he was loved and will always be so for eternity. No matter how peaceful the passing, there will always be guilt and the longing to change something in the past.  But the past is just that and cannot be changed, the feelings we have are a part of the grieving process that follows us into the present.  Somehow we learn to live with these feelings, to realize in the end that our sweet angels would never want us to be so unhappy, they would want us to be able to live and love again, just as we would want for them if we were the first to go.

The pain is equal to the love we have in our hearts, it takes a long time to heal these hearts, and it always carries a scar. Don't let it cripple you, and close that wonderful heart,you have much to give and the world is a better place with people like you in it. Your sweet Ollie was in your life for a reason, celebrate knowing him and what he brought into that life, cherish those memories and honor his name by passing on the legacy of love he left in your care. My heart cries for your pain, I know how much it hurts.Let us share your sorrow so it becomes lighter, let your grief out to those who understand your pain. Take care........RIP beautiful Ollie, you will never be forgotten, you will always have a place in a loving heart. Please send what comfort you can along the bond that ties you to a grieving heart. Sleep tight sweet Prince, on the warm laps of the angels who hold you now in their loving embrace!   

post #9 of 22
Thread Starter 

Thank you all so much for your kind words.  I know I'm not alone in going through this and hear it's still so fresh for you too Foxden - big hugs to you - such a shock - there really are no words my friend.... but it does help to talk in cyber-space knowing we're not alone.... 

 

Ollie came into our lives 2 days after I lost my big rescue cat Jimmy all those years ago.  Jimmy had experienced such cruelty before I adopted him and had been re-homed so many times it was heartbreaking..... He was estimated at age 6/7 when he came to me and I had him for another 6 years before he developed heart and kidney problems.  Such a gentle soul.... I had him for another 9 months on medication but was told the day would come when I'd have to make that decision and I knew when that day was - and even though I was prepared as I could be, it still shattered my heart into pieces.  It's true - there is no easy way to lose such a chunk of your heart.... even when you're trying to end the suffering.  Ollie needed a home - I had no plans to take him but he was the only surviving kitten in a litter of half Persians and had the exact same markings as Jimmy, so I took him in even though I wasn't ready at the time - and he helped to give some reason to Jimmy's departure from our lives.... he came for a reason, it's true and we loved him and his quirky little ways instantly.

 

They all have their own special characters but Ollie was more like a dog than a cat - he was quite unique and spoke to us all the time.  I have 2 other boys; one who was from a mother cat I rescued and after re-homing all the others, I couldn't face the stress of trying to find one more good home - so kept him.  The other one adopted us and I woke one night to feel him wrapped around my head - like on the pillow above my hair.  He's never done it since in 9 years - so strange.

 

I wasn't prepared to lose Ollie though - he was so very unique to us and has left a massive gap in our home..... My daughter and I cannot talk about good times just yet - we're just floating along at the moment - the other cats are not such a big presence but Ollie was always around.  If he'd been out for too long, we'd have known there was a problem because he never was.  I know some things are beyond our control but it hurts like Hell to know he's no longer here.  I am thankful he was with me at the end and could feel my warmth and hear my voice but I never expected him to pass on Saturday - I had his appointment booked for blood tests.....  I sometimes wonder if he had survived what quality of life he might have had - trips to the vet and so on.  It stressed him out so badly - maybe this was the reason he passed when he did.

 

I really hope there is a Rainbow Bridge and we get to see our fur babies again - I'd like to think so..... I am a very spiritual person..... The day he passed my long-burning Yankie peony candle bought as a memory for my late mother also finished..... and the following morning while looking for a spot for Ollie's final resting place, I noticed a single snowdrop all alone - my late father's favourite flower.  Both of those things seemed to hold significance for me - that he'd crossed over and was now being taken care of.  Bless his little soul xxx

post #10 of 22

I feel your loss greatly for Ollie.

 

It's very hard to lose a dear friend and family member like this.  For they are exactly that.  They become family, loved ones, cherished in their annoying habits as well as their loving embraces.

 

My wife and I, when we got married, picked up a partial Bombay from the local shelter.  He was at the time 9 months old and a massive kitty for his breed type. 

 

Very intelligent, and very very alpha.  He would 'punish' us if we did something wrong, usually by waiting for us to watch him then clawing at the couch... once... and running off.

Things like that you just knew he was punishing us (usually after we returned from a vacation).  A month after our 20th anniversary we had to put our Smokey down.

He had been suffering from slow kidney failure and one day he woke up blind, deaf, and with very little sense of smell.  He was in fair amount of pain.  We tried to ease his

suffering where we could, hand fed him, and continued to comfort him as he still was a tough ol' kitty and continued to climb into bed, despite is blindness, and cuddle us.

 

Then a few weeks later, he would slowly stop doing this, and seek us out, and then just lay beside us and wimper.  We knew it was time, and we took him in to end his suffering since he asked us to.

Was one of the hardest things we did. 

 

The reason I'm telling this is because despite that, we knew that he loved us. To the very last minute, until the pain became too much, he spent loving us, being with us, and

sometimes even annoying us.  Things that we would yell at the kitty over we now share and laugh over.  The pain is still there, but not so much, and the love and memories we

have of our big black beautiful boy will always remain.

 

In time, you will find the pain lesson, and the things that even annoyed you, you will remember with fondness.  They were the unique quirks of Ollie.  The things that would make

you roll your eyes, or chase him to give him a 'time out' or the amusing ways he would show his affection.  Those memories and feelings will never go away.  And when

you look at his favorite spots of rest, you'll remember these thoughts with fondness, love, and passion and truly know, in your very soul, that Ollie is not gone, and is still

with you, and will remain with you, until it's time to join him across that rainbow bridge, where he will wait for you with that face of 'well, what kept you?'.

 

We own a new kitty who, while never taking the place, fills the hole in our hearts with a different love and personality. 

 

You'll find a new fur-bottom that will do the same for you, and will love you and give of him (or her) self and also fill that void.

 

Cats are amazing beings, and they just know when you are upset, when you are happy, and will be there, in their own way, to help you in your life.

 

Remember the good times of Ollie, and cherish them.

 

Best regards,

--Jace (and Pyewacket the Weegie)

post #11 of 22

Oh, this is such a heartbreaking story to read, I am so sorry you lost your special little boy and know exactly how you are feeling....but it is beautiful and wonderful that he passed with you holding him, that is what he would have wanted if he had a choice, and as hard as it was one day you will look back and be grateful that you held him. I held Simon and Sebastian, our two boys who passed in the last few years, and as hard as it was I am glad I did it so they didn't leave this Earth alone, but yes it is just an awful feeling when you lose one so very close to you, but with time and love your heart does mend albeit slowly and not quite the way it was before, but it is the down side of having pets but we wouldn't trade it, and if he and the others could talk they would tell us THANK YOU for taking care of me all this time, we just don't see it from their point of view just ours which is saddened and filled with tears, but we do the best that we can for them in their short little lives and we will see them again someday and what joy that will bring!!!

 

But I know the pain you are feeling right now, it is almost unbearable, but it will ease with time. It is so easy to pour your heart and soul into them that when they die you feel as if you will too, and even though it tore my heart out to lose those two boys (and others before them) I am so into my little guy Sylvester (pictured in the avatar), I just love him dearly and am crazy about him and vice versa that I know when it is his time to go I will be a wreck, but I want to pour the lovin' on him while he is here now, and hopefully will be for awhile yet, and maybe someday you can love another like you did Ollie, one that needs a good home, when it is time.

 

I hope your heart heals a bit more each day, God Bless......:alright:

post #12 of 22
Thread Starter 

i can so relate to all of your helpful posts....  Yesterday was such a bad day for me  - I was at home all day by myself and just couldn't stop crying.  I messaged a friend who lives nearby and went round there for coffee and was glad I did because Ollie was born from her Persian cat years ago (who got out and mated with a local Tom - so Ollie was half-Persian).  My friend has expereinced much loss in her life re. her furbabies and speaking to her put things into persepective a it more.  She lost her beloved dog while she was being treated overnight in the vet hospital - and was absolutely distraught she hadn't been there.... She also witnessed one of her cats being run over many years ago - and the boys in the car just raced off.  I can remembe how absolutely inconsolable she was at the time.... My friend also told me Ollie's mum developed a heart problem .... so I have been able to draw comfort from having Ollie until he was very nearly 13 years of age, suspecting that he too may have had a heart problem after the vet told me he had a murmur.  I still miss him terribly though - his quirky little ways filled our home on a daily basis.

 

M daughter got so used to him waiting to come into her room in the mornng - she is feeling his loss so hard.  She has allergies to cat fur, which is why he wasn't allowed in there overnight, so he always slept on my bed instead.  He would creep up and greet me as soon as he felt me stir.... and when she went off to work, he would come back, whether I was getting up or not.  Ollie used to sleep on our bath mat while we were in there - every time - he had specific cries for different things; going out, for food, for cat milk, for cuddles - he always used to make a trill sound when touched as well..... such a happy boy.  I have so many memories of him walking off with is tail in the air as well - so playful with us....

 

I am thankful he was with me when he passed - but I still wish I could have done more for him.  My friend has tried to reassure me that if had a heart murmer, then we may not have had him much longer anyway being the age he was, so I will do my best to try and heal from this.  My other cats seem to be trying to rally round but they are such very different characters and although comforting, it doesn't take those feelings away.  My daughter has many videos of him on her phone, so when she is strong enough, we will transfer these but it's still too raw right now. x

post #13 of 22

Ollie was so lovely! I am so sorry for your loss. It will take time. When I lost my Lena on 21 Sept, 2001, I contacted a counselor who helped people with grieving for your pet children,

She told me to make a list of what I had loved so much about her...funny stuff,,,,,,her cute habits. etc. It helped. I came across that list not too long ago and I was

glad I had it. Maybe when you are ready you can try it.

 

Again, so very sorry.

 

Mia

post #14 of 22

Ollie was a beautiful boy. You were so lucky to have him in your life, and he was so lucky to have a loving person like you in his. It wasn't your fault, and you gave such a great effort to see what was wrong with him. He loved and trusted you to his final moments, and you gave him the best life he could of possibly had. Thank you for being such a kind soul. Nothing hurts more than losing someone we love, and we always look for ways it could of been prevented, it's natural to feel that way.  I had my baby Piglet pass away 2 years ago from cancer and it still aches so much. But at least we have the comfort of knowing we gave them a great life. I got a little memorial necklace of her picture, and it really helps. If you ever need anyone to talk to about the grieving process, please feel free to message me. I'm here for you, friend! :alright::heart4:

post #15 of 22

i just found this site myself as well its so loving and people here are very compassionate and caring, thank you OP for sharing your story an sorry for what happen, I hope you can find peace of mind as time goes on

post #16 of 22

I am so sorry to hear about your baby boy. He is so handsome! You seem to be having a really hard time with his passing, which is completely understandable. Our 7 year old kitty Bellatrix was diagnosed with lymphoma in August of 2015, and we cared for her on prednilisone for almost 6 months until she told us it was time to help her cross the bridge and say goodbye. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do. So hard, in fact, that I fell into a deep depression. I am so, so, so lucky that I have such an amazing support system that nobody questioned/poked fun when I told them I couldn't cope with the loss. I began seeing a grief counselor, and I am so glad I did. I don't think I could have gotten through it without her guiding me. I am now able to remember my little sweetie-pie without being sad. But, for a long time, I wasn't sure if I could ever be happy again. We adopted a new little lady about 2 months later to keep Marco company and she really brought some colour back into my world. She could never replace Bella, but there was room in my heart for both of them. I guess what I'm trying to get at is, if you feel like your grief is too much to cope with, please don't feel like you can't reach out for professional help. There is nothing wrong with it at all! 

post #17 of 22
Thread Starter 

Thank you for all who have posted recently..... The irony is, I am a counsellor myself - but when it happens to you, you just can't support yourself.... only be aware of the stages you know will unfold.  I am more settled now than I've been for a while now though and have drawn comfort from knowing Ollie passed over while he was with me - but I still miss him so much.  It triggered all kinds of thoughts in me last week... including an awareness of my own mortality and how cruel life can be.  My daughter and I had such a strong bond with this little soul - and I suppose only time will heal those scars.  I found some lovely photos of Ollie as a kitten and will put them in an album at some point.  My tears have dried but my heart is still heavy - as all of you know so well with your own.  Love to all of you x

 

post #18 of 22

Oh, goodness, that face!  What a doll baby!

 

I am still grieving for my Kirsten who passed on 7 October........there is no way around grief..you just have to get through it.

In time it will lessen.....how much time varies..everyone is different.

 

Again, so sorry.

 

Mia

post #19 of 22
Ah hun I feel your pain I never thought I would be this devastated. Your little boy sounds like he had his own personality. My cat was everything to me I lost her before xmas she was 20 years old I miss her so much I'm still grieving. Your boy must of had so love for u it's like he went peacefully. At least he isn't in pain anymore he is at peace if u wanna talk I'm here xx
post #20 of 22

I too have lost a  beloved cat rather suddenly.I am crying while I have been reading your posts.I lost Omelette on Jan.27.I know how deeply this can hurt.Even though you are experienced,and help others you find it so hard to help yourself.Ollie was so handsome and loved by you and your family so very much.My story of Omelette can be found on this thread.She started breathing heavily on Christmas day.I knew this was a disaster.She was acting fine until then.I also was holding her when she crossed over the bridge.I felt guilty for not noticing her illness before,and for not releasing her from her body sooner.The vet said that they do not present these symptoms until it is too far along. She had cancer.I am still so devastated.I cry throughout the day.I also have two other fur babies. They have tried to comfort me,as you said loosing one so suddenly is harder to cope with.Ollie will live on in your hearts forever.He is there watching over you.He knows how he was loved ,and was happy that he spent his life with you.I am sending hugs, and healing to you and your family.

post #21 of 22

I cry so much when I read these posts. Kirs passed on 7 October, but I am also crying for all my babies who have crossed.

I'm glad we have this site where we can vent out sadness.

 

Mia

post #22 of 22

Tears here. grphug.gif

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