Feel guilty that i should have waited bit longer before euthanising my bella.

bella2914

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Hi everyone. This is my first time posting here. I put my only beautiful  16 yr old cat to sleep 3 days ago. I didn't expect to do it..and i don't know if i made the wrong decision..too soon.  She was diagnosed with kidney disease (the beginning stages) in November.  She kept drinking water almost every other hour.  Just 2 weeks ago, she got what seemed like a uti, so i  brought her into the vet, and they gave her an antibiotic shot, called Convenia.(?)

I reluctantly agreed to it, because i told the vet she is not good with pill. I was also worried because i had thought the shot might hurt her kidneys more.  The vet gave her subq fluids and then i took her home.  I was to continue subq every few days..but it was difficult for me to do, as she is kind of a hard cat to treat.
The next day she developed what seemed like a bump/infection on her but, and her uti was still there..

I had started feeding her cranberry water, and was also giving her Kidney Support gold from amazon.

Two days after the shot, she stopped eating.  I read online to give her baby food, or warm up her food, and i tried but she would not have any of it, except the very very very  small bits i managed to stuff into her.  I brought her in again to the vet , cuz she still had not eaten(day 3 of food strike).  I hated to force the food, cuz she seemed to begin to be afraid of me coming near her, with the food. It was heartbreaking..

The vet  gave me mirtazapine to put in her ear to help stimulate her appetite .  I asked them to give her subq fluids, because i could not do it successfully myself at home. But they said its okay to skip it, and to bring her in next week to do that.  They also did not force feed her. Which i wish they had, because i was unable to make her eat at home. My mom and i found it difficult and had tried to stuff food in, and eyedropper her food into her mouth but we were unsuccessful.   

She again did not eat again..(day 4) ..the medicine did not work.  That night she started having trouble breathing..and  i was afraid she would stop breathing that night.  I couldnt bare to see her like that..and i really didn't want to continue to force feed..as it seemed to be breaking our bond..

and stress her out more..

I barely slept that night.. She had lost a lot of weight in just a few days..it seemed like she went so quickly down after the antibiotic shot.

The next day i brought her in, and decided to euthanise her.  But i don't know if it was too early, that maybe they could have done something.  I asked my vet, and he said it was fair, given her fussy nature. But now i think i should have waited..i know its too late now..

But yes there is much guilt, and i miss my friend sooo much! I don't know what to do or think..Ive never lost a pet before, nor really grieved before.  

What to do..to stop feeling guilty?? I wish i was more emotionally stable before i did this..to make a better decision...i just didn't want to keep seeing her suffer...like this..

Did anyone ever feel like they euthanised too early? That they could and should have done more? How do you resolve?

Thank you..and sorry so long...

Also it haunts me that i should have spent more time with her..taht also i should have watched her been put to sleep.  I didn't watch..i just couldnt as i was just crying non stop at the vet.
 

inmemoryofolive

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Im very sorry for your loss, I had to give my Olive the gift this morning as she was dying of wet FIP. Fatal, no cure or treatment. All I can say is what my vet of 30 years told me as this was my first fur baby as well. If the bad days out weigh the good days than its time. For me, Olive was dying and only had days to maybe weeks left, but it was the look in her eye at 6am this morning that told me she was done and she didn't want the meds anymore so she told me she was ready. I wasn't going to wait till she couldn't walk etc. What I knew was that I couldn't cure her but I could help her by giving her this one last gift of peace and dignity over the rainbow bridge like you helped your baby. Im very sorry, what we are feeling is grief, doubting is normal, but it sounds like you followed your gut and did what was best for your baby. Hard but proud of you. Take one day at a time.
 
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bella2914

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Thank you so much for your  lovely reply...it really helps what you have said to me. I feel a little bit of the heaviness in my spirit lifted..as i had felt really guilty..and i miss her terribly..but yes i am having trouble coming to terms with losing my first fur baby..

I wanted also to say how really sorry i am to hear about your sweet Olive this morning.  I could not be as strong as you to post on the same day, as i was a mess..:p ..just unstable..It really is very devastating to say goodbye to them.  I really hope we both can heal as best we can, as these fur babies are just such amazing gifts from God.  I was really tired that day, and for the next day afterwards, cuz the grief was so much.. i hope you can get much rest, and take good care of yourself in the immediate times..as i think it helps.  Olive seemed to let you know..and that is good..

I still have the scene in my mind where my kitty though very weak, was in the carrier on the way to the vet.. but trying to claw her way out..like she knew what was going to happen..and it haunts me..cuz i really loved her to bits.. but  i couldnt continue seeing her suffer like this..as she was not eating, and struggling to breathe..but i have to let go..and remember what you have told me..

It feels empty, and just abnormal to not hear her..see her...

I hope you also will feel comfort knowing that you did what was best, and that your cat was very well loved! I can tell when i read your posts..

I am hoping the grief will become lighter, and less difficult in days to come..for both of us!  I wish you well with your healing..and thank you so much for your post..it really comforted me..:)
 

di and bob

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There is always guilt and all those 'should haves' 'could haves' after something like this, it is what everyone goes through, it is called grief.

Bella showed you she was ready, she stopped eating, she fought against trying to keep her alive. When there is no cure, no healing left, it only brings a future of pain and misery. You would never want to prolong something that brings pain to someone you love, to force them into loss of dignity and loss of true living. You tried, you did what you had to do. She told you in many little ways she was ready for the next step  on her life's journey, and she said her goodbyes. She carried your love with her, she knew she was loved and treasured. You released her from her pain and for that she will always be grateful, as she is too for the lifetime of love and happiness you shared with her.  Celebrate having that little girl in your life, she brought you much. Don't dwell on the end,  it changes nothing because we can never change the past, it only brings more grief and pain to a heart already broken. There is no 'right time' for a life to end, there is just a 'right time' for the pain to end.

You forged a spiritual bond  with that little girl's soul, that can never be taken from you. Use it to send and receive the comfort and love you need. Her new path will always be near, it will parallel yours until the day it meets again. If we are lucky enough to live long enough, there will be many losses in our lives, they teach us to embrace what we have in the moment and to be thankful for what we share with those we are fortunate enough to know and love.  Hold on to the legacy of love she left in your care, and when the time is right, share that love with another, it will bring meaning to her life and honor her name. Do good things in her name, it will make you feel a little better about yourself and would help others who so desperately need someone to care. Take care..... RIP beautiful Bella, you will never be forgotten and will always have a place in a loving heart. That beam of pure love that shines from your new star in the heavens, is welcomed by a heart that will forever love you until the end of time. Sleep tight little Princess! 
 

inmemoryofolive

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You're welcome, is comforting knowing we are not alone in this grief. It's special because they were special to us. I've awoken to day one without her, it's painful, raw and i'm exhausted. My nerves are shaky and I am tired. I have been morning her since Wed when I found out is was fatal. Today is going to be a quiet day for me and the five brothers and sisters she left behind. We will adjust but we will never forget her.

I wanted to address when you talked about the scene and her pawing to get out. We have to remember our babies live in the moment and at that moment she just didn't want to be in the carrier. I was having that same conversation with my mom because that's what was bothering me to, it was the guilt of bringing her. My mom reminded me that she didn't know what was going to happen. All she knows is that she trusts you and you were brave enough and unselfish enough to let your baby go, be free of pain, medicines and not a good life to a brand new life of freedom, play and unabounding joy. Much love as you just put one foot in front of the other, be gentle with yourself and allow the tears, feelings to come, experience them in the moment and release them knowing you did the right thing for her.
 

les26

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You did nothing wrong, you did all that you could, and the second guessing and wondering is normal and is the grief talking which can manifest itself in many ways both physical and mental, but you did what you thought was best and had to do, it is the down side of having pets but it is the final act of love you can give them if needed.

Let me put it to you in a way that I read years ago and I think this is a wonderful perspective on it; if 16 years ago, someone would have said to you "we'll give you this great cat, you'll have her for 16 GREAT years, but then she must leave you, deal or not?", I'm sure you would have said "deal".

No matter how long or short we have them we feel that the time is never long enough. Cherish the memories, memories last forever.

I hope your heart heals a bit more each day, God Bless.....
 

inmemoryofolive

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You're welcome, is comforting knowing we are not alone in this grief. It's special because they were special to us. I've awoken to day one without her, it's painful, raw and i'm exhausted. Today is going to be a quiet day for me and the five brothers and sisters she left behind. We will adjust but we will never forget her.

I wanted to address when you talked about the scene and her pawing to get out. We have to remember our babies live in the moment and at that moment she just didn't want to be in the carrier. I was having that same conversation with my mom because that's what was bothering me to was the guilt of bringing her. My mom reminded me that she didn't know what was going to happen. All she knows is that she trusts you and you were brave enough and unselfish enough to let your baby go be free of pain, medicines and not a good life to a new life of freedom
 

pipperoo

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Oh I know this feeling all too well.

When my very adored cat Kami was declining from lymphoma I was desperate to do everything in my power to keep her well.  For a couple of months she improved, then she went into steady decline.  she got to the point where she just stayed in her bed all the time, perhaps getting up for just a minute or two to have a nibble and a pee.  She seemed very weak and had lost a lot of weight and was not really sleeping:  she just curled up with her eyes open for hours.

My decision to euthanize was probably done earlier than it needed to be.  I'm sure she had several weeks left but what kind of weeks?  She was going to decline further, I was a wreck and I was actually curling up with her every spare moment I had and whispering to her to please go to sleep and not wake up.

Well, in the end, I decided to "schedule" the event.  I took a couple of days off of work so that I could just be with her 24/7.  On the day of the appointment, I spoon fed her a little food.  She got up and stretched, ate a piece or two of kibble, used the litterbox.  Oh, she still had a wee bit of energy so my decision was so painful.

We went to the vet, and I won't go into details, but her euthanasia was very difficult.  It did not go smoothly.  this haunts me to this day (2.5 years later).  Was it because she still had a lot of life left in her and I selfishly decided to end it too soon?  I'll never know.  What I do want to know is if she has forgiven me.  I'm weepy again just thinking about those awful last hours.

I swore I would never own another cat - my grief and my guilt was so profound.

Well, you know how life never unfolds the way you expect?:

http://www.thecatsite.com/t/325537/is-there-a-meaning-to-your-cats-name/120#post_4096466
 
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bella2914

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Hi guys!

Firstly Thank you all for the post and replies.  All of them touched my heart..and as i am reading them i am feeling less and less heavy.  I am realising we all are going through basically the same emotions, guilt, what ifs, sadness..intolerable grief as Les26 has said. Thank you for letting me realise it is very common thing. And thank you for your comforting words..God bless you too! And yes i would have said I would have Bella for sure..I realize she was such a gift for those 16 years.  A love i have never experienced before..so pure, and unconditional!

I think we all have regrets, and hauntings, and its because i think we all loved our kitties so much!  I see it in the posts how much you all loved your cats, and it touches me! And i am so thankful for this site,to see others like this, that we can share like this.  Yes as Inmemory of Olive says, it helps with our pains..to heal to share..and i don't feel alone anymore. Thank you!!  I hope Olive's mommy that you will feel the pain less and less with each passing day, it is what i had heard..and am counting on that. But yes it does seem quiet, and raw without them..! But our hearts will heal..:) Thank you for reminding me that cats do live in the moment..it helps to know that..she probably didn't know  about being pts..Thank you...

Thank you all also for sharing such details about your cats, and how you have felt.  Pipperoo- I am really sorry about the story of you cats passing.  I think no matter how the cat went the guilt is always there. I didn't say good bye,  i was a wreck..i wanted to be with her to hold her as she went through this ..but i couldnt bring myself to do this..,she screamed when they put in the needle, and i had to get out, i  didn't see her. last moments...and now i wish i just bucked up and did. But you were very brave for you cat..You stayed with her till the end.  None of this was your fault, as you said that she was declining rapidly. You spared her more pain..I see a lot of the regrets you had, as i did. I thought maybe it was too early..but i know her future ..what was left would have been horrible..to see and go thru for both of us.   I hope the wonderful memories of you cat, will overflow and crowd out the way she died, as it was short, compared to the many happy years she had with you.. * and i am sooo happy you were able to open your heart again..to a lovely *Hearted* cat lol. That makes me smile. She is adorable..!! :))

And for DI & Bob, thank you for the inspirational words. I am trying not to dwell on how it ended..and just look to concentrate on the many great years i ve had with her..it will all take time, to adjust my thinking.. But reading these wonderful posts helps me to see another way. Thank you so much! I may not be able to open my heart right now to another cat, but i will do something good in her name to honour her in a different way.  I didn't spend much time with her in the last few months, cuz i was so busy with work and other things. I didnt know she would gone so soon..that my last week would happen..and i felt awful when i think back. I  would have hugged her, stayed with her , pet and play with her ..more. But her passing taught me to live in the now, and to spend the time with loved ones..concnentrate on who is in front of you..because all is passing.  Her death brought that stingily to view. I want to honour in that way.. Thank you for that! 

Maybe one day..if i can ever bring myself too, i can get another fur baby...lol..but not yet  But you never know as Pipperoo has said..:)
 

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bella2914 bella2914
You will get through this, as we all must. I had to let go of my precious Kiki just one week ago. She went from being a "little off" on Friday to the ER Sunday afternoon. They were not able to stabilize her, and I chose to let her go and end her pain. She was the first kitty I stayed with to walk her to the bridge. She purred for me and knew she was loved and crossed over gently. I have to remember her trust in me to do the right thing.
She left her paw prints in my heart, and took a piece of me with her.
I'm fortunate to have 2 other furbabies in the house, so I have to take care of them.
You'll be ready eventually for a new love. You will know when that time comes. The love we have for each of them is different, and no one will ever replace Bella. Your heart will grow for the new love, and they will love you back.
Hang in there, this will become less painful and you will move forward.
Again, so sorry for your loss and your pain
 
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bella2914

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Thank you so much for your post! I am sorry for the loss, it really hurts!  Yes i guess this is something we all signed into the moment we said yes to a kitty. They are like a beautiful fur babies..just a rare kind of love..that we were blessed to experience..and also let go of one day.  I just didn't think it would be so sudden, as you also have experienced.  I guess i should have ..but wasn't ever expected things to go downhill so rapidly.. I just remember before i let the vet have her, i kept kissing her back..kissing her head..and petting her, crying ever so much..and i was so numb..cuz just week before she was what seemed kind of okay...it was a shock to realise ..this is it...But yes i am hoping the pain subsides..that the good memories will be what i remember..

I miss her cuddles, and just picking her up..and holding her..i have no other fur babies..so its what i miss most..just holding her..in my arms..:p..a being with unconditional love always..

Kiki was a lucky cat to have you, and i hope to be as brave as you next time, if i ever decide to adopt another fur baby.  Thank you for your post in such a hard time for yourself. Sending you much thoughts of healing for your heart.  Yes be there, for your kitties, still here..hug them and hold them extra close, as they are such precious gifts! And give them an extra little hug from Bellas mom..:)
Take care..and thank you again for reminding me we will all get through this..:)
 

zed xyzed

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I am so sorry for your loss. You did what you did out of love and compassion. It is awful how doing the right think can rip out your heart. RIP sweet Bella
 
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bella2914

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Thank you Zed Xyzed.

Hugs to you..! I didn't know it would hurt this bad..but i see there are so many with this same sadness, guilt, and hurt.  I'm still looking for her sometimes, and just keep wishing i could hold her..:p..

It will be her one week tomorrow..and i remember she was panting with her tongue sticking out..cuz she was so scared..and it really..wow..is hard to get over that...I still feel horrible about that..so many things..but i'm trying ...i don't know..:p.. But thank you for all your support..

I hope to get over this..and think upon the good memories...I can't get another pet until i move out on my own.. But right now ..this site is helping me..to grieve...and get my emotions out...

Thank you Zed...thank you everyone..:)
 

Antonio65

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We went to the vet, and I won't go into details, but her euthanasia was very difficult.  It did not go smoothly.  this haunts me to this day (2.5 years later).  Was it because she still had a lot of life left in her and I selfishly decided to end it too soon?  I'll never know.  What I do want to know is if she has forgiven me.  I'm weepy again just thinking about those awful last hours.

I swore I would never own another cat - my grief and my guilt was so profound.
Pipperoo,

those words scare me to death!

I am terrified that the euthanasia could not go smoothly, it happened to you, it happened to others, it could happen to anybody.

How can one survive that sense of guilt if things go wrong? that sense of guilt would hunt them forever and make their life a misery.

I also think not to own other cats in the future. I tend to put too much myself in their lives, and parting from them it too painful.

I hope you're feeling better now.
 

pipperoo

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Thank you for your thoughts Antonio65.

Yes parting from our cats is definitely too painful - but it is simply a measure of how very much we love them.

If you read the link in my original post, you'll see that even though I swore there would never be another cat - I found I couldn't live without one.  So I asked Kami to find one for me and she did!  She even put a special mark on my new kitten so that I could tell that Kami definitely picked her out for me.  I take the little heart on Pip's wrist as a sign that Kami forgave me and wanted me to have someone special.  

I still think about Kami every single day and still miss her like mad.  But now, Pip needs my immediate love and attention so I have a new job :)
 

Antonio65

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Thank you for your thoughts Antonio65.

Yes parting from our cats is definitely too painful - but it is simply a measure of how very much we love them.

If you read the link in my original post, you'll see that even though I swore there would never be another cat - I found I couldn't live without one.  So I asked Kami to find one for me and she did!  She even put a special mark on my new kitten so that I could tell that Kami definitely picked her out for me.  I take the little heart on Pip's wrist as a sign that Kami forgave me and wanted me to have someone special.  

I still think about Kami every single day and still miss her like mad.  But now, Pip needs my immediate love and attention so I have a new job :)
Yes Pipperoo, I had read that link and learned of your new kitten, but at the moment I think that too much of myself is involved in this adventure and I feel that I wouldn't bear this dreadful pain anymore in the future.
 
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