Cats and nervous spouse

So anyone else have a nervous spouse when it comes to the cats?

When it comes down to the nitty gritty, I have to take care of it all.  My husband is more than useless around cats.  Examples:

- When we travel, he cannot be in the same car as the cats.  I have to drive separately.  The cats protest travel by yowling their heads off the entire time, and he is convinced they are in pain and suffering and emotionally can't handle it and wants constant checks while the car is moving.

- When I grab the nail clippers, he's constantly telling me to stop hurting them and be careful, because their protests about being held against their will and me manipulating their paws enough to get to the claws has convinced him that they are in pain and he's always worried I'm going to take off too much.  He can't handle it to the point of looking at the claw to see how it's hard to cut too much.

- If a cat gets a claw really stuck in the furniture, he can't grab them in a way as to free the claw.  He's worried that he'll hurt the cat by grabbing the cat and pulling the leg forward to disengage the hooked part of the claw since the cat is fighting to go backwards.

- He won't hold a cat down if I need a second pair of hands for grooming or home medical treatment.  He's convinced doing so will be mean.

- Every time I or the kid pick up a cat, he's freaking out that we aren't supporting the legs right.

- He's at the opposite end of the house if I have to bathe a cat.  He can't handle the vocal protests.

- He won't go to the vet.  Between the car travel and not able to watch the vet poke and prod and not able to look at a terrified cat, he just can't.

- When I absolutely must pull a determined cat out of a hiding place, he is upset the entire time I've got the scruff of the neck.  I'm not lifting them, they are still full weight on the ground, but he can't handle how it looks.  Even though they are just fine 30 seconds later cradled in my arms, looking around and checking things out (and of course then I hear about supporting the feet, which I'm already doing).

If I were to die tomorrow, I don't know how they'd make it to the vet.  I really don't.

I guess it's because he did not grow up with cats.  He didn't learn at an early age that cats protest loudly over any indignation, no matter how harmless the indignation is.

I just want to know if other people are in my shoes.

Gosh that all sounds really frustrating and difficult for you. 

First, I don't think it has to do with not growing up with cats.My parents were animal non-lovers.  I never had a pet my entire life until I was well into adulthood.  When my current partner and I adopted our first cat, I had zero experience other than liking them and animals in general.  

It sounds to me like he just doesn't want to be involved at all and isn't interested participating in their care at all.  Or he has some kind of phobia is is not entirely being truthful about with you. Or, just doesn't understand cats and makes assumptions that are incorrect.

Does he have any chores related to the cats?  Does he feed them? Play with them?  Both of those task might be good for him to build his confidence around them and help him bond with them.  Would he be open to reading some books about cat behavior and care?

You can't force another person to do things they don't want to do. At this point, if it was me, I'd just suck it up. Is he a good partner to you other than the cats?  If so, this just may have to be your responsibility, or at least until he is mentally prepared to help.  I know it would suck if I had to do everything but if you were single, you'd have to do it.  Hopefully someone else will pipe in to try and help.

It's not a phobia or avoiding responsibility.  He adores the cats.  And they adore him.  It's almost maybe a type of anxiety disorder.  He is convinced that any vocalization during stress means the cats are saying they are hurting, and he is convinced that any restraint is being mean.  He is overly concerned with making them feel "safe", meaning that he goes overboard with making things right for them.  He gets upset when I (gently) toss the cat sleeping on my pillow giving me an allergy attack down to the foot of the bed because "he doesn't feel safe anywhere else".  He will complain about Shadow scratching him because he stopped petting her, but he doesn't want her moved because she hurts a lot.

About the only "mean" thing he will do is squirt Midway with a spray bottle if Midway picks on Montressor or tries to sneak out the door.  Period.  And he only does that to make Montressor safe or to keep Midway safe by making sure he doesn't make it outside to get lost or hurt.

His idea of "safe" is way, way more than cats actually need though.  Sometimes they vocalize during stress just to let the world know that they are upset about the situation but are perfectly fine.  He's just an overanxious type of cat parent, I think.