I literally have no one to ask for help right now

kirothecat

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Hello, i am new to this website, and the main reason i joined is because i am having anxiety over a new pet. Before i got my new pet (Bella) i had a cat named Kiro (grey persian) who has been my friend since i was born. We found out he had mammary tumors in 2015, but the doctors said the only way to help her was euthanasia. In 2016 we found out that we could have cured her but it was too late, she passed away on the 23rd of may 2016, she was getting worse and worse so we took her to the vet to get euthanasia, but she died naturally when we got into the office. Just writing about her death makes me tear up. It has been almost 7 months since she died,since then we moved out of the apartment we lived in, and we decided to let a new cat into our life. We found Bella (a white persian) up for adoption, her old owners had a lot of persians and she just didn't fit in. If someone didn't take her they would leave her on the streets. I instantly loved her, but now the more i spend time with her the more she reminds me of Kiro. I know that it wasn't smart to get the same breed but before i got her it felt right. Now i feel like i betrayed Kiro. I don't want to give her back or put her up for adoption, i just need advice on how to deal with this feeling of sadness. My family is totally fine with her, and i don't want to bother them, and i got no friends that had a cat that would help me (when Kiro died mostly everyone i knew told me "its just a cat, get over it"). 

I'm sorry if this post didn't make much sense i am all over the place right now with emotions.
 

arouetta

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The best way to honor an old pet is to share that love with a new pet.

I think though that the "betrayal" you are feeling is not from getting a new cat, it's from feeling like you failed the old cat.  You couldn't have done more.  There may have been other options in the world, but those other options were not presented to you.  You can't act on what you don't know.

When my cat got mammary cancer, I was told that there are no good treatment options for cats.  They aren't little dogs, they don't respond well to chemo (even if chemo was affordable), there's just nothing.  That all I could do was surgery, which would just put it off for a little bit as it always comes back.  I hear of other people talking about chemo for cats.  What's the truth?  I don't know.  I'm not even sure that the vets know.

So I would suggest forgiving yourself for not making a miracle happen.  I think that's the root of the whole problem.  You unfairly blame yourself for Kiro's death.  I think that once you find a way to forgive yourself, your feelings of betrayal will vanish.
 

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I spent 17 years with a little black girl, she was my cat child. She was always with me, followed me, sat on my lap, she really loved me & I knew it. After she died I knew I couldn't live without a cat so I got some kittens. I ended up getting another black one & every time I look at her, I realize it's not my other girl, but this new one that I'm taking care of now. Something that needs to register is these are animals, they don't live as long as a human & the time we have with them is special. None will ever be like the other. We just need to spend time with them, get to know them & love them for who they are, not what we might want them to be.

I don't believe I'll ever have another cat that will be like my first. That was then, she was a part of my life when I was still maturing, still figuring things out, moving around, nothing like now a days. I love all my cats, I'm glad I can give them a nice home, feed them well & enjoy their company. Yes I still miss my girl, that will never go away. I would give anything to have her back, but I know that's not possible & it's just best to enjoy who you're taking care of at the time because that's not gonna last forever either.
 

hexiesfriend

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Please keep Bella and please don't feel bad. Kiro was with you your entire life so I think it's natural to feel a sense of loyalty. It sound like he was your first cat. The cat on my icon is my very first cat Hexie and my screen name has his name in it. He's been gone for many years. Though I've had many cats after him that I've loved very very much, Hexie is still my "first cat" Kiro is your first cat and he'll always be your first cat. He has that status no matter how many cats you have after. It's ok to love Bella too and hopefully many others.
 
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kirothecat

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I just woke up and after reading these i feel better. Yes Kiro was my first cat, we had a really special bond and i saw her as a human. I am going to keep Bella of course, i guess i have to get used to having a cat thats not Kiro.
 
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kirothecat

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The best way to honor an old pet is to share that love with a new pet.

I think though that the "betrayal" you are feeling is not from getting a new cat, it's from feeling like you failed the old cat.  You couldn't have done more.  There may have been other options in the world, but those other options were not presented to you.  You can't act on what you don't know.

When my cat got mammary cancer, I was told that there are no good treatment options for cats.  They aren't little dogs, they don't respond well to chemo (even if chemo was affordable), there's just nothing.  That all I could do was surgery, which would just put it off for a little bit as it always comes back.  I hear of other people talking about chemo for cats.  What's the truth?  I don't know.  I'm not even sure that the vets know.

So I would suggest forgiving yourself for not making a miracle happen.  I think that's the root of the whole problem.  You unfairly blame yourself for Kiro's death.  I think that once you find a way to forgive yourself, your feelings of betrayal will vanish.
Our vet told us that if we sterilized her it wouldn't happen, and that she was too old for surgery so it was a 50% chance of her dying (she was 15), i honestly didnt have the heart to euthanize her because even while she was sick she wanted to play, she still was with us, wasnt depressed, but her state just got worse and a month before she died the vet found out a way we could have cured her but it was too late. Kiro was fine with everyone in the house but she didnt get along with cats at all, thats why i felt like it was betraying. I guess im still blaming myself for not changing vets, even tho i knew the cancer would come back.
 

di and bob

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Kiro is at peace now, no more poking and prodding, she is once more whole and healthy. She would have never wanted you to prolong her pain, many times even with expensive treatments and care it ends the same way. She spent her entire life with you, she had a good home full of caring and love. That is all she ever wanted. She would never want you to be so sad when remembering your times together, she would want you to go on and fill your heart once more with happiness and love, just as you would want for her if you were the first to go. Try not to dwell on the end, it only brings sadness and heartache. Try to celebrate having her in your life for so long, she shared your life's journey for a while and was happy to do it. Now she comes to that fork in the road and must embark on a separate journey until that road crosses again. That road will parallel yours for the rest of your life, the bond you created will, never be taken from you. Use it and your precious memories to bring you comfort. Cherish the time you had together, it is something that will never be duplicated and is priceless. If you ever get lonely, on a star studded summer night, look to the stars and ask her if she is still there, you will feel her presence, it is spiritual, like the love you will always have.

She left you her legacy of love. It would bring her honor and happiness to share that legacy with a new love. Think of it as a mother with many children, yes they may look alike, they are family. But each is unique, with a different personality, and she is filled with a different kind of love for each and every one. Kiro was your first, she will always hold a special place in your heart. But that heart is big enough to hold many loves, not to replace, but to add to the richness of your life.

Kiro was not "just a cat" she was a big part of your life for a long time, your friend and a member of your family. Your heart and your house feel empty right now, you must go through the grieving process as you would with anyone you love. Use that new family member to distract yourself from your sadness, not to forget, you can never do that, but to not let yourself dwell on your loss. Bella is scared and uncertain of her place in the family, she needs a friend who will be kind and learn to love her. She can bring you happiness once again if you let her. Don't think of her as a 'replacement', think of her as a new friend to both of you, she needs you as much as you need her right now.

My heart goes out to you, but you are strong and young, you have many years ahead of you. Kiro is a part of your past now, a wonderful part that you will never forget and will love forever.  Bella is your future, learn to love her too, it will bring you both happiness and more memories, cherish every moment you have. Take care of yourself and kiss that new love for me, she would love that. 

RIP beautiful Kiro, a world is a little darker with your passing. Let the pure light from your new star in the heavens shine down on the one that misses you so very much and bring your love and comfort to help heal a broken heart. You are held in a loving heart and will never be forgotten . Sleep tight, little Princess on the warm laps of angels who greet you with joy and will protect you forever more!  
 

arouetta

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Our vet told us that if we sterilized her it wouldn't happen, and that she was too old for surgery so it was a 50% chance of her dying (she was 15), i honestly didnt have the heart to euthanize her because even while she was sick she wanted to play, she still was with us, wasnt depressed, but her state just got worse and a month before she died the vet found out a way we could have cured her but it was too late. Kiro was fine with everyone in the house but she didnt get along with cats at all, thats why i felt like it was betraying. I guess im still blaming myself for not changing vets, even tho i knew the cancer would come back.
I am so sorry.

But again, you didn't know of any other options.

15 year old cats do have a hard time recovering from surgery.  Especially if it's major surgery, such as removal of the mammary tissue.

Sterilization lowers the risk of mammary cancer, it doesn't take the risk away completely.  Some sites say it's the third most common cancer in cats, others divide two skin cancers separately and list mammary cancer as the fourth most common.  It is the most common cancer diagnosis in cats over the age of 10.  So the odds were against Kiro anyway and you did nothing wrong.

I went looking for the "cure" you talked about.  Honestly, it didn't sound right as breast cancer in humans is never cured, and we get far more treatment with far better funding.  I learned a lot more about mammary cancer in cats, but the absolute closest to a "cure" was a 1 in 5 chance of remission with a combination of surgery and two different chemotherapy drugs.  1 in 5 is a rarity, not a cure, and remission isn't always forever.  And chemotherapy is stupid expensive and I wouldn't expect the average person to be able to afford it.  I also found that 90% of mammary tumors are both malignant and aggressive, and even with surgery plus chemotherapy, the average lifespan was doubled - from dying in a year to dying in two years.  Wow, big gain.

I seriously doubt that changing vets would have caused any difference in treatment recommendations or outcome.  Don't blame yourself.

And Kiro may have wanted to be the only cat in the house at the time.  That's far different than Kiro wanting to ban you from cat ownership forever.  I'm willing to bet the rent money that Kiro would want you to save another cat's life and give that cat a loving home.  In fact, that shows how much you loved Kiro, that you recognize the bond was so special that you want that bond again.  The love won't be the same, it'll be different as it's a different cat, and that's why you are not betraying Kiro.  You're not replacing him, you're not loving him any less, that love will always be there, always be that strong.  But the human heart has an infinite capacity to love, so your love for future cats will be as strong, just different.

Edit:  I forgot to put in that I also found that cats can have a gene mutation that makes mammary cancer far more likely and those cats just really don't have a chance, even with unlimited money to seek treatment and given the best of care.
 
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kirothecat

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We are all ok now, i still miss kiro ofc, Bella does alot of suff like kiro but im ok with that. She is really cuddly which i didny expect because her old owner said she didnt like people touching but now she follows me around the house and cuddles up next to me when i sit. We have a huge glass door with glass around it that is the door to a balcony with a glass fence and she loves looking out and looking at cars pass. The only problem i have is that she doesn't want to use a scratcher post (her owner said she just doesnt like it, she uses my carpet and bag)
 

arouetta

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The only problem i have is that she doesn't want to use a scratcher post (her owner said she just doesnt like it, she uses my carpet and bag)
Some cats are horizontal scratchers.  Try getting a scratching board instead.  Some of what they sell are tiny, you'll want one that is big enough for her to scoot back and sit on while scratching.
 
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kirothecat

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i got both, she uses it so scratch her back or just sits on it
 

neely

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She is really cuddly which i didny expect because her old owner said she didnt like people touching but now she follows me around the house and cuddles up next to me when i sit. 
It's possible Bella enjoys being the only cat and appreciates all the attention you lavish on her.  Even though she reminds you in many ways of Kiro the more you bond with Bella the more her personality will come out.  We would love to see a pic or two of Bella. 
 
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kirothecat

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She also doesn't move around alot. She is usually on the couch or on my bag, and she likes to sit on my lap. I tried to put cat nip on her scratcher but she just ignored it.
 

arouetta

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She also doesn't move around alot. She is usually on the couch or on my bag, and she likes to sit on my lap. I tried to put cat nip on her scratcher but she just ignored it.
30% of cats don't have the gene to react to catnip.  Bella might be one of those cats.
 
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kirothecat

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i guessed. ill just let her scratch my old bag since i dont use it
 

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What a beautiful cat.  How old is she?  Have you shown her how to use the scratcher?  she may not know that's what it is.  you can scratch with your hands or manipulate her paws to scratch on it.
 

Brian007

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Like you and Hexiesfriend, my name and photo on this site are in remembrance of Brian, who died last March.  He wasn't my first cat best friend but was my one true soulmate and I miss him more than words can express. I've lost two human best friends in the last 10 years to misadventure, and although I still grieve deeply for them, the pain is nothing in comparison to the pain I feel for Brian.  It's as though I've been cut in half, I feel as though my legs have been swept away and there's an empty yearning in my stomach, still.  His death was an extremely traumatic antifreeze poisoning, which was done to him on purpose (to all intents and purposes he was murdered).  I couldn't cope with his suddenly being ripped away from me, from the deafening silence his absence brought about, and so I found an "emergency" kitten, Dudley, only three weeks afterwards.  Dudley is very different to Brian in looks and personality, and the only regret I have is that Brian never got to meet him, as I think they would have been great friends.  However, it has taken Dudley and I a long time to truly bond, he was 11 months yesterday.  I think this is because of my missing Brian so much.  But we are well on our way to being super-glue-bonded now, and I think that in time you and Bella will be likewise 
 You're never going to forget Kiro, and why would you want to.  Feeling guilt is part of grief, just try to remember that it's natural.  There's no timescale with grief, allow yourself to feel sad for as long as it takes.  And, ignore people who don't understand how painful it is to lose your best furfriend, I feel sorry for them not having known the true love that you have known.

Bella looks very beautiful by the way, she suits her name.  Dudley doesn't have the catnip gene either but he is interested in matatabi, which is similar but different.  Perhaps Bella might like it too... 
 

neely

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Thank you for posting a pic of Bella.  She is a stunning persian girl.  Best of luck, I hope the two of you embark on a new chapter in your life.
 
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