I Don't Like My New Cat

lunaismybaby

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Hello everyone newbie here! I am just wondering if anyone has any input on my current situation

Some Background
A few months ago I went to the pet store and wanted to visit with the cats because I had time to kill, well when I was done the worker put this one cat back into the cage and it literally clung to him and whined I kid you not! It completely broke my heart - I wish I adopted that cat right then and there.

Anyway fast forward and this Christmas I decided to donate some cat toys to my local animal shelter and while I was there to drop them off I figured why not go and visit with the cats? I told them I wanted to play with the cats and one of the staff led me into this small enclosed room (I didn't know it at the time but this is the "sick room") there were about 5 cats in this room. This dark grey tiger cat caught my attention because he looked just like the poor cat I saw at the pet store a few months ago. I started petting and playing with this cat, he seemed pretty friendly not overly so but I just thought he wasn't used to being out of his cage so he was taking the opportunity to explore the room, which may of been the case but who knows. While I was playing with him the staff member walked in and happened to let me know this particular cat was sponsored - ideally meaning free. I took this as a sign, the cat looked like the cat I fell in love with at the pet store AND it was free?!! Definitely a sign right? Also he was only in the "sick room" because he wasn't neutered yet so they neutered him the next day and I came and got him the following.

Currently
Well I have the cat now and I'm feeling very uneasy about this decision. I understand the cat is going to be skiddish for a little while until he adjusts but I just, I don't know. I don't really like his personality. He growls and hisses at me at the most randomness moments, I've tried leaving him alone and just flat out ignoring him and he still hisses and growls randomly when he looks at me. He hates being picked up. He literally wants nothing to do with me. I swear he's bipolar because he will come over wanting to be pet and rubbing against me and then the next second he turns evil. I guess this is my fault because I didn't take the time and only saw him for about 20 minutes before I decided to adopt him but now I don't know what to do. I have a small 5 month old female kitten named Luna who I got from a friend and she is my baby and the new cat, Toby, is not shy at all he runs up to her meowing which completely freaks her out and she gets really worked up. I now put Toby in the extra bedroom in the basement because he won't leave Luna alone when he's upstairs, he basically harassed her for 2 hours straight she kept running away and hiding and he kept stalking her. I tried to distract him with a toy, treats, anything and his focus was all on her. The shelter gives 14 days to decide whether or not I want to keep him or not and I'm currently on day 4. I'm going to wait it out a bit longer but as of now I am so stressed out about this. Yesterday I bought these "calming" treats which have seemed to help slightly or maybe it's just in my head. If you guys have any suggestions please let me know. Should I take the cat back? I'd hate to but I don't know what to do. There's some moments where I'm like awe I think we are bonding but then he goes all psycho again. I just can't connect with this cat. Probably the only nice thing I can say about him is he's very, very playful I bought him a few toys that he plays with by himself and he absolutely loves the cat laser!

I'm just frustrated because I'm sure there are many nice cats that are craving any sort of attention just getting passed up in the shelter and I happened to get one that could care less if he was with me or not :(
 

miagi's_mommy

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You've only had him 4 days. You can't expect a lot from him in that time frame. Some cats don't take well to change and you are new to him and so is your house. If you don't see it working out, do take him back but I would give him more time.
 
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lunaismybaby

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You've only had him 4 days. You can't expect a lot from him in that time frame. Some cats don't take well to change and you are new to him and so is your house. If you don't see it working out, do take him back but I would give him more time.
This is what I figured at first but I guess I just expected more of like hiding behavior not aggressiveness. Also any advice on the kitten part of it?
 

Kieka

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There is absolutely no shame in saying a cat doesn't fit in your family. None. Nada. Zip. Zilch. Most rescues will take cats back with open arms if you say they don't fit (or for a small fee, but in my experience if you get them from them they will take them back).

I had to do that once. We had the cat for a week and it didn't feel right at all. It wasn't fair to our family to keep him. It wasn't fair to him to try to force him to fit in where he didn't. I know that sometimes it is just fear or skiddish and cats need time to adjust. But there are other times where you just know in your heart that the fit isn't right. In our case, we just looked at each other and knew. My current cat was a feral and took 3 months to fully socalize, even now she is fearful of strangers and needs a gentel touch. So trust me it wasn't a lack of desire or patience to deal with a skiddish cat. It was honestly that once he came home it wasn't the right home. So he went back with love and hope for his future.

You have to make the decision from your heart with a clear mind and for what you truly believe. While I heartedly believe that there is a home for every cat, not every cat is a fit in every home. I know this is a tough decision but you are the only one who can make it because you are the one who has to live with it.

In my situation, we returned the cat and a month later my sister went back and found her soul cat with our exchange voucher (how our rescue handles returns is no refunds but you can pick a different one within 6 months for free). He fits so well with her and her family. I couldn't imagine her home without Ash now an 8 year old happy and wonderful member of her family. And I found the right cats for me 6 years later. One I looked for two months to find and the other was dropped on my front door.

I do urge you if the shelter isn't a no-kill to find a no-kill if you decide that route for the cats best interest.

Edited to clarify
 
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lunaismybaby

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There is absolutely no shame in saying a cat doesn't fit in your family. None. Nada. Zip. Zilch. Most rescues will take cats back with open arms if you say they don't fit (or for a small fee, but in my experience if you get them from them they will take them back).

I had to do that once. We had the cat for a week and it didn't feel right at all. It wasn't fair to our family to keep him. It wasn't fair to hik to try to force him to fit in where he didn't. I know that sometimes it is just fear or skiddish and cats need time to adjust. But there are other times where you just know in your heart that the fit isn't right.

In my situation, we returned the cat and a month later my sister went back and found her soul cat with our exchange voucher (how our rescue handles returns is no refunds but you can pick a different one within 6 months for free). He fits so well with her and her family. I couldn't imagine her home without Ash now an 8 year old happy and wonderful member of her family. And I found the right cats for me 6 years later. One I looked for two months to find and the other was dropped on my front door.
Thank you this makes me feel a little better I think I will give him at least a week and if it still doesn't feel right I'll take him back, I think they said the same thing about an exchange and a fee of $20. I really want to have an adopted cat but I feel like I made a mistake
 

Kieka

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Thank you this makes me feel a little better I think I will give him at least a week and if it still doesn't feel right I'll take him back, I think they said the same thing about an exchange and a fee of $20. I really want to have an adopted cat but I feel like I made a mistake
I edited my response to clarify a little.

Just know that some people will be against the idea on here. I understand where they come from. But having been in your place I also know that each cat is their own indvidual and sometimes personalities don't mix. Make the decision you can live with.

And his age means he is closer to his adult personality and won't change much.
 
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lunaismybaby

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I edited my response to clarify a little.

Just know that some people will be against the idea on here. I understand where they come from. But having been in your place I also know that each cat is their own indvidual and sometimes personalities don't mix. Make the decision you can live with.
Thank you! & the shelter is a no kill thankfully. Yes its not that I don't want the cat period it's just I don't think this is the right environment for him and I know it may sound cheeses but I feel no connection but I understand why that would upset some people as it upsets me.
 

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At that age, being unneutered, his hormones were raging, so it's going to take some time after his neuter for him to settle down. It could be a couple of months :/. He'll probably settle into a fine companion for you and Luna, but I don't know if you're willing to wait that long.

If the shelter is really no-kill and is willing to let you adopt again after returning him (some shelters won't let you adopt after a return), pick a young male who is around Luna's age, doesn't seem too "macho", and has been neutered for a while. Males around a year old can be jerks to other cats, especially timid females, so you want him to be young enough for Luna to boss around so that when he gets to the difficult age he won't get too many big ideas :tongue2:.
 
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lunaismybaby

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At that age, being unneutered, his hormones were raging, so it's going to take some time after his neuter for him to settle down. It could be a couple of months :/. He'll probably settle into a fine companion for you and Luna, but I don't know if you're willing to wait that long.

If the shelter is really no-kill and is willing to let you adopt again after returning him (some shelters won't let you adopt after a return), pick a young male who is around Luna's age, doesn't seem too "macho", and has been neutered for a while. Males around a year old can be jerks to other cats, especially timid females, so you want him to be young enough for Luna to boss around so that when he gets to the difficult age he won't get too many big ideas :tongue2:.
Wow thank you good to know I didn't think about that! If I do return and adopt again would a female be alright? Obviously individual personality is key but in general?

I'll keep this thread updated on what I decide to do with him but thank you everyone. Very informative!
 

Willowy

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Eh, females frequently have rivalry issues. Males usually get along better with females as long as you get a compatible personality.
 

Kieka

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Wow thank you good to know I didn't think about that! If I do return and adopt again would a female be alright? Obviously individual personality is key but in general?

I'll keep this thread updated on what I decide to do with him but thank you everyone. Very informative!
I am firmly against a two female household. Unless you have some males to balance it out the two females will eventually have it out for dominance. Because of past experience my family has a firm one female policy (PM if you want details).

As an aside, female parakeets (budgies) should never be kept in groups unless you have 2 males for every female. They will literally kill each other if there are 2 females without the males to balance them out. I used to breed them and it was brutal if the ratio was off. We usually kept a 3 to 1 ratio to be safe but sometimes it didn't work if 1 male was favored. I think the same rule should apply to cats in households. I know people who haven't had problems but I think it really depends on personality and it isn't a risk I will take again.
 

gilmargl

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Oh dear! Can't agree with that! I now have 4 females! Not because I chose them, but they just happened to get left over from my fostering activities. There are only problems at bed time, when they get a bit nervous, or when one of them wants something from me so chases another cat to get my attention. But that can just as easily happen with males.

In my experience 2 or more neutered males will usually enjoy each others company and share laps and baskets. A group of females will not be so friendly towards each other but will get along OK. A male and female usually means that the larger male will dominate and cause some stress to the smaller female. However, there is no hard and fast rule.

Many years ago, thinking that a male and female would be the better option, we had a pair. They tolerated each other but no more than that until the male brought a stray male kitten home. For the rest of his rather short life, this young cat managed to bridge the gap between the 2 older cats and we would often have all three of them trying to find space in one little basket or on one narrow lap. As soon as he had met his death on the road outside the house, the other cats returned to their original not-too friendly relationship. Very sad for everybody!

But, back to the point. I advise people to give it at least a week before deciding that a new cat is unsuitable. It took six weeks before I felt happy with Lilly who used to urinate on my bed before she finally settled down.

Good luck with your decision.
 

sivyaleah

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Like others have mentioned, 4 days is really a short period of time for many cats to adjust to a new home.  Some take only an hour to adjust (my older cat is that type) and others take days, weeks and sometimes months (our 2nd cat took a month to acclimate).

There were a lot of other very valid things to think about also, hormones being a big one.  

It's possible that he needed more time to himself, in a safe room before allowing him full access to the house.  

Try playing with him, specifically with wand type toys that mimic prey.  It's a good bonding experience for both of you and it will help discharge the pent up energy he has, and most likely help calm him down. 

Remember, hissing is fear, not anger.  Our 2nd one hissed the entire first month at us and now, she's an utter delight; the calmest, sweetest cat you can imagine. Cats are not bi-polar.  He is trying to tell you he's afraid still.  It will take some patience but if you're willing to wait it out and work with him it will get better.  You both need to get to know each other at this stage.

 If it really isn't working for you, there's nothing wrong with returning him to the shelter.  It happens and there's no reason to feel you failed him if you need to do that.  I do think this will turn around if you can wait it out a bit longer and turn your thinking around from "he's crazy" to "he's afraid".  
 

rogerniris

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I think there is a dilemma here. Usually a shelter only allows a very short period of time (15 days or a month) for you to decide whether to keep or return a cat, but for some cats, it's just too short for them to settle down. So what usually happens is you observe some aggression/shyness in a cat in the first month, you don't like it and return him/her, and you miss a potentially perfect cat (and the cat may miss a chance to have a permanent home!). However, things can go the other way around - if you decide to keep the cat for a little longer but things don't get any better, you may miss the grace period and you kind of stuck with this cat that does not fit in your family. It's just not fair to both you and the cat, who might find a better-fit family. 

If the latter happens, you may eventually get things work if you have enough patience, time, and are cat savvy, and the cat's problematic behaviors may improve or disappear. Unfortunately the chance is smaller for adult cats, who have more or less fixed personality and may just miss the period of learning socialization or good behaviors from their parents and peers (it's kind of like a child that misses their language-learning period. You can't teach a10-year-old child good language if he/she's never exposed to human languages before). It's even more challenging for a less-experienced cat owner. In the worst scenario, you may still need to return the cat after months/years of trying, who has already bonded with you, who has just learned to trust another human, who may experience more trauma after all this. 

I guess the answer is - weigh your options according to your specific case. Do you have enough patience and time to train the cat? Is your cat young enough to change part of the personality/behaviors? Are you a less-experienced cat owner? Can you accept that things may not work out even if you give him 3 month or longer? If he's aggressive, will keeping him be a good decision for your other family members (for example, if you were to have a baby)? Just think it over. 

I feel strong about this because I was there before. My female came from a shelter with aggression issues among other clear signs of bad parenting, socialization and being neglected. I picked her because she was super affectionate in the shelter, but this quickly changed after she came to our home. In retrospect, it's a sign of being neglected and has to compete for attention in her previous family, but it's not her true personality. But as a first-time cat owner, I didn't know any of that. I talked to the shelter stuff about this but all what they said was giving her more time (I don't have confidence in shelter now..). Good thing is her aggression problem has improved (but still there). But I can't help my mixed feelings towards her. I love love her, and there is no way I will return her to the shelter now. But I feel guilty because we may still face the question of whether we should return her when we're having our child in the next few years, if she showed aggression to the baby. I can only hope things could work out.
 
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lunaismybaby

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Another thing I forgot to add is he always humps the blankets and when he does you cannot touch him whatsoever he meows, hisses & bites. Will this behavior go away eventually? Does anyone else's cat hump blankets? & why?
 
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Alicia88

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I think the humping will probably end when his hormones even out.  A lot of the aggression probably will, too.

I would give him a bit more time, but if you really feel like you don't like him, returning him would probably be best for all involved.  If you keep him but never end up really liking him, he might sense that, no matter how much you try to fake it, and he won't be happy.  Just my opinion.
 
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MoochNNoodles

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I agree; the humping is because of his hormones and recent neuter.  Unfortunately even 14 days really isn't long enough for those to fully settle down. 

I have always had female cats without big issues.  Every now and then someone might get cranky with the other one; but it's never been anything requiring more than me saying "Hey! Be nice!" and they back off.  
 
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lunaismybaby

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I think the humping will probably end when his hormones even out.  A lot of the aggression probably will, too.
I would give him a bit more time, but if you really feel like you don't like him, returning him would probably be best for all involved.  If you keep him but never end up really liking him, he might sense that, no matter how much you try to fake it, and he won't be happy.  Just my opinion.
I am still iffy about him and I'm so stressed as each day goes by [emoji]9785[/emoji]️ I just feel like he's not the one for me but I don't want to bring him back and have him stuck in the shelter for the rest of his life
 
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