Lost my first Foster kitten

Miss Minnie. She came to me December 9th healthy as could be at 10 weeks old. Feral, scared, hungry. Within in the next days she started losing weight and eventually dropped 1/3 of her body weight. She couldn't control her bowels but was still so hungry.

After a couple of days with back and forth with the shelter they made the decision to euthanize. I didn't feel like they gave her a fair shot, so I brought her to my vet and begged.

It was the day before Christmas Eve and my vet looked at me and said "this kitten is not going to be euthanized. We're going to take care of everything." And they did. All of the medical care, they provided for free. The vet took her home for Christmas.

I got the phone call yesterday. She had passed on her own at the vets house. I sat in the Canadian Tire parking lot sobbing until my boyfriend found me.

She was so little, and I probably will never know what happened. My heart is broken and I can't sleep without waking up to check on her brother and my own cats.

Why didn't I let her cuddle me when she wanted to, so what if she was stinky?

Why didn't I notice she was sick just a couple of days earlier?

I have fostered 25 cats/kittens in the past 6 months. Every single one has touched me, I love doing it.

While the vet has covered all of the costs, there's a fee to have her ashes given to me. Do I pay for it or do a small memorial for her instead?

Forever in my heart Minnie. Moe misses you.

I'm sorry for your loss, and it was awesome of your vet to do that for you!  If money and space are no matter, and you wish to have her ashes, then by all means, you should get them... but when a kitty touches our hearts, we don't really need something tangible to hang on to, they will always have a place in our hearts... and life is for the living.  You showed this little kitty probably the only love it knew in its life... but its life on this earth is over now, and there are other little ones out there who need you now. You just have to do what you feel comfortable with.  I know it sounds heartless to say walk away from the ashes, but its what I would do. 

So very sorry for your loss of Miss Minnie. You are doing such a great service fostering all those kitties, and that makes a difference in their lives. So many things are beyond our control. Try not to put yourself on trial. Miss Minnie knows you helped her.

Miss Minnie had the best there was to offer, it still was not enough. I pray you realize that if a vet could not save her, your love could not either. My heart breaks for the loss of that little girl, she deserved to grow up and to have a family. I'm sure she felt your care and love, and at that time that is what she needed the most. To save one is a blessing, to save them all is almost an impossibility.. They worm their way into your heart, and now her little soul will reside in yours,  You formed a bond with her that can never be taken from you, no matter the short time you had together. Use it to send her comfort and love, she will return her own love and comfort to wipe away those tears. I cry with you, I know the pain of losing those innocent angels. Try not to dwell on the end, but celebrate the time you had together and treasure it. You gave her love and comfort, that is something she never had, she is eternally grateful for you, she would never want to cause you tears or pain. She is above pain now, her tiny body is at peace, her soul flies free and she is once more a healthy, pouncing kitten for all time. Please know I'll pray for you both, you will be blessed for caring for these sweet babies that need someone so desperately to love them. The 'essence' of her will always follow you and reside in your heart, she has left her body behind. I would  do good things  to memorialize her, she would be so honored to have you do this in her name. Take care and continue your wonderful work......Rip precious Miss Minnie, you will never be forgotten and will forever more be carried in a loving heart, sleep tight little Princess!

Thank you guys so much for the love.

I went to the vet today to tell them I would not be taking the ashes, since I couldn't afford it and thought the money would be used better towards future fosters. Only to find out that the shelter stepped up and is having her cremated to give me her ashes. These kittens sure bring out the best in people.

What a sweet little girl. I am sorry that she had to leave on her next journey. Thank you for being there for her and showing her she was loved. 

So sorry for your loss, so sad that she had a tough life like that. God Bless, I hope you start to slowly feel better, we know the heartache all too well....