Not yet ready

Hi everyone. I truly wish that i was introducing myself and my cat under better circumstances, but right now i am in a really bad place and i just need to share with someone who might understand.

My cat's name is Pusi, which is basically "kitty" in norwegian, which is where i am currently living. He was a stray that i found outside my house back in September 2012. I usually feed strays around my house, and more often than not they are happy for the food, but tend to avoid me. Not so with Pusi, he was desperate to be friends. Against my better judgement i decided to adopt him, since he had no one else. You might wonder why i was reluctant to adopt him, but that stems from the fact that i had lost a cat a few years earlier, and another one a few years before that. Each experience ruined me completely. When i adopt a cat, i think of them as family, so losing one is every bit as devastating as losing an actual family member.

Everything was fine for a while, until one morning when he refused to go outside and didn't touch his breakfast. As mentioned, i've had cats before so i know a red flag when i see it. I took him to the vet, and got a diagnosis: FIV. I didn't even know that was a thing, so i was floored to say the least. This was just the first of many problems that poor Pusi would be forced to endure. FIV, chipped teeth from his time as a stray, diabetes and joint pain. The list just kept getting longer. Most people would have put him out of his misery, but i knew that despite all of these issues, Pusi was as lively as ever. We've had four fantastic years together, only interrupted whenever something came up with his health. Until now.

December has been an especially bad month for Pusi. First i noticed that he started to make a grinding noise when eating dry food, and he would frequently lose bits of it out of his mouth.The reason? Feline Odontoclastic Resorptive Lesions, or Tooth Resorption. He also started having small amounts of blood in his stool. I've taken him to the vet several times now, first for the teeth, and now for the blood. They've tested his blood, taken x-rays ,etc. And everything has come back without results. They have no idea what is causing the blood. The last dtich effort is to do an ultrasound, but the technician won't be back until next week,so i have to wait.

Meanwhile he is now eating and drinking less, and spends most of his time sleeping. Which isn't like him at all. I am scared that i might be losing him. I knew it probably wouldn't end well for him when he was first diagnosed with FIV, but we've come so far, and he has so much life still left in him. The thought that he might not be here much longer is breaking my heart. Every time i see him i get a lump in my throat, because i have to wonder: "Is this it? is this the time you won't be getting better?" I'm miserable at work, i'm miserable at home, and i can barely bring myself to do anything. The fact that it's christmas and everyone is so happy, only makes my misery that much worse. I just feel so lost right now.

Pusi is beautiful. I would really look at your situation differently. This baby needed to come inside and have you care for him. He has had a tough life and is very ill. While you are likely to lose him, think about all the care and love you have provided to Pusi. You have enriched his life and he has enriched your life. The fact that he may not spend a lifetime with you is selfish on your part. You have helped this baby. You gave him comfort and warmth and love. Let him go in peace, knowing that he gave you a chance to grow while caring for him.  Love and hugs to you. Kim

Let me say, I understand how you feel.  I lost my baby - my avatar - Simon on June 7th due to cancer and now Dec 8th I lost my sweet girl Chestnut, although she was sick, it was still a shock.  Chess had kidney issues but she had a congested heart that the vet never looked into fully.

We are the same.  Years ago my coworkers thought I had a son, LOL because I'd talk about Simon and say my Son did the funniest thing today. etc, that they thought the cats were my kids. LOL - with that said, I was truly brokenhearted when I lost Simon, and then when Chestnut passed, I was broken up, but I had to take into consideration that,  these two sweet souls lived a full life with me and hubby, and were spoiled with love, happiness and lots of playtime.  We had so many laughs and so many days of cuddling quiet in a nice warm home with them.

If it wasn't for me, Simon would have either died at 2 weeks old.  I found him after his mom was carrying him across the street and dropped him when a fire truck went by with the alarms on.  And well, Chestnut was adopted from Petco, and was only in the system for 2 weeks after being surrendered by her owner after 5 years, and I have to say, she was the sweetest cat I've ever met.  

So I suppose what I'm trying to say to you is, even though it's devastating losing our sweet companions, because of us, these kitties got to experience, love and trust, and most important, had a roof to live under.

Because of you, your sweet boy Pusi got to spend time with you,  You said above how Pusi persuaded you to adopt him, perhaps he could sense he wasn't well and just wanted to spend time getting love and giving love.

As far as the eating, what worked for me and was recommended to me by members of this site, is Gerber Baby Food - beef, ham, etc, make sure it's the blue cap for infants.  you can add some warm water to it and see if he's interested, it will help him stay hydrated.

Please feel free to PM (private message) me if you need a shoulder and don't want to post publicly.

Keep us updated.  I'll be thinking about you both.  Be well my TCS friend - Warm regards, Hope and my sweet angels Simon & Chestnut.

Cat Guy i so understand.. the words you typed and how u feel about your dear sweet Pusi are what i just went thru with my baby JAxx who passed recently ( a month on the 13th) I was and still am a wreck.. i had not gotten another pet after the loss of my cat Biffe who i had for twenty years amd waited 18 till i got JAxx because of how hard Biffes death hit me.. then to loose my baby after such a short time.. i get it.. the wonder.. is it today.. not being able to function.. 

My heart breaks for you and your dear one.. U will know what to do if u need to.. and u will.. for right now.. love.. hold close.. i ho[e ypu can have peaqce in knowing love is the best thing you can give.. and do right now. I pray that you have the peace in knowing u love what others cast aside.. He will be with you always.. one day at a time.. sometimes one hour at a time.. that is all we can do.. 

Thanks to everyone for your replies. Knowing that there are people out there who understand helps, even if that understanding came at a high price. I spoke with the vet today and confirmed that Pusi had an appointment with the ultrasound tech on December 29th. She also suggested i keep a close eye on his water and food intake, which i was doing already. I actually came home from work today to find that he had toppled a bag of kibble different from the one i gave him earlier. As usual there is no stopping him if he wants something bad enough.

I'm a little more concerned about his water intake though. I have one of those fountains, so it's hard to determine if he simply sat and watched the water flow for amusement, or actually drank it. He also doesn't display the same level of energy he had a mere month ago. I try to keep a positive outlook, but it's hard when i know he isn't feeling well. If i could take his pain unto myself, then i would.

What makes all of this so much worse than before is the fact that i just don't know where this is going. My previous cats were all diagnosed with terminal cancer, so there wasn't anything i could do. I kept them safe and happy until it was clear they were in pain, and then i let them go. It didn't make dealing with their loss any easier, but at least i could say i did everything i could. I don't know what is wrong with Pusi, which means i don't know if he will get better or not. The only thing i can do right now is wait for that ultrasound, and keep him safe and happy until then. When he got sick for the first time no one thought he would pull through, even me, but he did. He is a fighter, and i'm going to give him every chance to fight this. He'll let me know when he has had enough, but i am praying that this isn't it.

We were the same with my sweet girl Chestnut, she had been ill and would always get better, but the vet always concentrated on the UTI, Crystals etc and never looked at her weigh gain and heart congestion, which is something that I think was more important to a certain extent, I mean, without a healthy heart, the body can't pump fresh blood through the body to help fight other things.  But I can't dwell on it now, I need to believe that she knew she was loved and spoiled unconditionally.

Water and fluids are key.  Try boiling a chicken leg in a couple of cups of water, boil for a long time to get all the good nutrients out.  Keep lid on pot so water doesn't evaporate.  then cool and mix with his wet food or perhaps he'll drink alone.  I've even pulled the chicken off the bone and blended it with a hand mixer, with the broth to make a thickness to the broth.

Best to you and your sweet boy.  Please keep us updated.  I'll be thinking about you both.

Warm regards, Hope and my sweet angels Simon & Chestnut.

I went to the vet yesterday and Pusi got his ultrasound from the resident expert, and after consulting with our regular vet they have a possible diagnosis. Cancer. More specifically lymphosarcoma. She noticed a growth on the side of his liver, and due to the location she was unable to get a biopsy to confirm her diagnosis. She also noticed other growths in his lungs, which might indicate that it has spread. Again, this is all speculation due to the inability to get a biopsy. Our vet is going to consult the expert again in order to discuss the possiblity of getting a biopsy, as well as what treatment options are available. If it has not spread, then they can might be able to treat it with chemo, but if it has spread.......The only thing they can offer at that point is cortisone tablets to keep him as comfortable as possible until.....

This was easily the worst christmas ever. The only way for me to remain even remotely functional was to tell myself that until i had a diagnosis, i can only assume that he will get better. He perked up on Monday and began eating and drinking normally. Even resumed some of his regular activities, such as they were. There was still blood in his stool on a daily basis, but i told myself that maybe it wasn't that bad. Clearly it was wishful thinking on my part.

This has shattered what little hope i had. I am now forced to confront the very real possibility that i might have to put him to sleep in a few months. The title of this thread is "Not yet ready", but the fact of the matter is that i will never be ready for something like that. There is no way to prepare or even expect something like this. Even though we all know that taking a cat into our lives will eventually end with them leaving us, there is no way to blunt the force when that reality hits us. I am going to speak with the vet later today, but honestly, at this point i am just drained. This was not how i imagined the day would unfold.