5 months forward and still terribly painful

Dear Kitty James,

    I lost you 5 months ago yesterday (7/14/16) and I still miss you terribly. I don't know why I'm writing this except perhaps that it is slightly therapeutic and I think your story needs to be told. But I still feel like the house is missing a very important someone. I still look for you unintentionally in your usual spots, the clothes cabinet, the towel shelf, the kitchen window ledge, and your favorite spot on the back of the couch. Up until a few nights ago I was still finding the occasional rogue whisker or nail sheath in your more remote hiding spots. Each time brings a tear to my eye. I visit your grave often and talk to you. I wonder if you can hear me from beyond and I hope God explained to you why I had to do what I did. I simply could not bear the pain of watching you suffer any more. I didn't want you to go down that road so I chose to end your pain when you started to show signs of labored breathing. The cancer you had was fast and insidious and both your regular vet and the critical care vets we saw assured me there was no hope for recovery. Trust me it was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. Period.  

   I still haven't removed your kitty bed, nor have I removed your bowls. They sit now as a monument to your greatness and it's adorned with your collars, toys, and photos. The vets office wrote a lovely card and all the vets wrote a little bit about how much they liked treating you. Dr. Iafe described you as a kind and gentle soul, I couldn't agree more. I wish I had longer to spend with you. We met when you were already 5 and I often wonder what your first 5 years were like before I found you in that cage at the shelter, and knew that you deserved so much better. I had hoped that I would see you well into old age, but fate had another plan...

  Well, my Handsome man, I'm at work now buddy and I cant be sitting here crying at my desk so I'll wrap this up. Please watch over us and don't be a stranger. It would bring me comfort to know your soul looks in on us from time to time. Perhaps your spirit can visit here and there, if so you'll see that we still hung up your stocking this year. I wish you were here to bat ornaments off the Christmas Tree and to receive your annual pile of Christmas treats and toys. When I really miss you, one of the videos I watch is you playing with a catnip toy on Christmas morning 2014. It always makes me smile.  Your brother is so lonely now James, I wish you two were still together but I know he would only want the best for you. You were a good big brother to Charles and he learned well from your example....even if he is a Dog, but he acts like a cat, and that's a piece of you that lives on....The girls miss you too... and it should go without saying that I've lost my best friend in the universe. Because you were....

Please forgive me for what I had to do. My guilt is crippling and I still cannot bare to recall that night in my memory. I think about you daily and pray for you just as often. I also pray that Ill see you again when my time comes to shrug off this mortal coil, and I get the big pink shot. I hope there's a warm spot in the sun, and a soft lap in heaven just for you with endless pets and treats and a fun paradise to run around and chase mice and moths and kitty toys until I get there to meet you. Then we'll never be apart again. Say hello to Emmett and Sinbad and the gang for me.

  I Love You Bubba.

Forever and a day, your faithful human,

~ Dad   <3

<<<James Donald Kitty (2004 - 2016)>>>


Humans, if your kitty gets a cough, don't just take the scrip for prednisolone and hope it'll go away. Make them do an X-ray and make sure an oncologist or qualified radiologist reads it. It very well MAY BE just some lung inflammation but Carcinoma is brutally fast and malignant and it will take your healthy friend and render them too ill to carry on in a shockingly short time. James was 11 and a half... diagnosed on 7/1 and gone by 7/14.....

He was just 11 YEARS OLD!!!

The organ cancers surface often between ages 10 and 12 and there is little that can be done if it isn't caught VERY early. If my brutally painful experience can do anything positive, then perhaps I'd like it to spare someone else from my current broken heart. Don't pooh-pooh a persistent cough. And if the Xray comes back and there's ANY sign of nodular growth or polyps, consult an oncologist. I'd rather have paid thousands and not needed it than to have trusted that it was just chronic bronchitis and been wrong. Which I was.... Humans get cancer screenings, why shouldn't our little fur children get them? I sure wish I had done so now... Be well everyone...

Thank you for sharing your James with us. My heart is breaking for you as I sobbed my way through your tribute to your beloved James. I felt your pain and grief in every word. You gave James the wonderful, loving home he so deserved. You also gave him the greatest gift of love you could have when you made the terrible decision to help end his suffering and pain even though that increased yours. That was the most selfless thing you could have done for your James. I've no doubt that James would want you to be kind to yourself and forgive yourself. Take comfort in knowing that James is healthy and running free over the Rainbow Bridge. He is watching over you, Charles and the girls.
Another TCS member wrote this post that I think is one of the most beautiful things I've ever read. I hope it helps bring you some peace and comfort:

http://www.thecatsite.com/t/237066/when-the-moment-comes

Please stay with us jamesthecat . We are always here to listen [emoji]10084[/emoji]️

[emoji]128149[/emoji]RIP sweet James[emoji]128149[/emoji]

It must have been extremely difficult for you but you did the best thing. You chose to suffer yourself to set him free and relieved him of the pain. Please don't be so hard on yourself now. He is still alive in your heart and memories. May his soul rest in peace.

Cancer is a terrible thing. My father died of mesothelioma in 2014, and I think of him often. (He also was a more serious cat person than even he realized!) It was an unpleasant milestone, no two ways about it.

James, your tribute brings tears to my eyes. Your kitty was so lucky for the time you had together; 11 years is a long time. You did the right thing.

Every one is special, and when they pass, I mourn and miss them. There have been many over time, for all kinds of reasons.

But I love them all, alive and otherwise.

I have one who's not long for this world, so I love her while I can and brace for the inevitable reality.

But, a new friend gives a lot of comfort when you lose an old one.

Maybe find another cat to give love to? SO MANY need it. SO MANY.

Thank you for the kind words. The guilt is something I just have to live with. I "what if" myself far too much. What if I had asked for a second opinion earlier in the year when my first vet called it "feline asthma / bronchitis"?  What if I had started aggressive anti-cancer herbal remedies earlier? What if I pursued chemo? What if this?? what if that?? what if?? It'll drive you mad.

The hardest question for me that gives me the worst upset is that I didn't know his time was short until just 2 weeks before he passed. I simply wish I had known with a bit more warning so I could have cherished him a bit longer. More nights on the couch with him on my lap, more treats, more attention. Instead, I found out way too late in the game just in time to watch him deteriorate rapidly and it was a horrible two weeks of worry, incessant googling and researching (in vain) and crying. Running to different vets only to get the same sad news. Running to vet supply chains to get this remedy and that herb and that mushroom extract and this special food...(a Hail Mary, that's all it was).  I feel like he slipped through my fingers and slipped away before I could come to terms with it and say a proper thank you and goodbye. 

I guess what Im trying to say is that I have no good point of reference for closure. It was sudden, ugly and traumatic and I loved him so so so much that it really fell on me like a ton of bricks. And now here I am, 5 months out and I still stare at the stars at night and ask for signs that he made it over to the other side ok, I still look at his favorite spots and cry, I still miss being his "living can-opener and personal masseuse". I have human kids and I hope it doesn't sound too ridiculous that he was almost, strike that, he WAS one of my kids! Some people would scold me for saying that or think it's ridiculous, but to me, in my reality, he was like one of my kids. He was just a furry four footed one (and a lot cheaper to feed and clothe than the human kids too!) I imagine a website called "the cat site" would be the only place where perhaps one can understand that sentiment.... and that it does not detract from how much I love my girls, but rather just lift up how important Kitty James was to me.

I've been through some tough times in my life. Lost some people, lost jobs, been down and out and hit rock bottom myself a few times. I rarely cry. Im emotionally pretty stable and flat-lined. Almost to a fault... and I serve as the emotional "rock" in stormy seas for my family 99% of the time. I'm good at being stoic and I don't often wear my feelings on my sleeve.

But oh boy.. when my Kitty James went, I was inconsolable, crying like a baby for days. A 37-year-old man rendered a blubbering sobbing mess, all from losing his kitty far too young and far too fast. Thanks again for the kind words. It does help. I'll find my way through this, with one more scar on my heart.  

I certainly can understand how you feel, myself a 56 year-old man who has a soft spot for the little ones, and have also witnessed a lot of loss lately, human and kitty forms, and it never gets any easier to deal with, we just do our best, make the best decisions that we can at the time with what information we have to work with. You did great things with the little guy, you have no regrets, neither does he, don't blame yourself or beat yourself up thinking "I should've seen this" or "I should have noticed that" because cats are masters at hiding illness despite all of our good intentions. But he was very much loved, had a wonderful life, and is doing just fine right now, no more pain or suffering, doing well, and will see you again someday down the line. 

But it hurts, at times almost unbearably, so badly that you feel you will die yourself. But time heals hearts and wounds, never quite the same as we were before but healed.

I hope your heart heals a bit more each day. God Bless......

James is so incredibly lucky to have had you in his life, and to remember him in his death. He loved you above all else. and for not letting him suffer from something that could not be cured. You are doing good in his name by warning others of what to look for and to do for their own little ones. He is honored to have someone love and miss him so, he left you his legacy of love and the precious memories that will bring you comfort in the years ahead. He would never want you to be so sad when thinking of him, live your life as you would have wanted him to live his if you were the first to go. He will always be with you, tied to your soul by the bond of love you both forged, use it to send your love and comfort, and to receive his in return. This is spiritual, love is something that does not die like the physical body, it will be with you until the end of your own road. Know he shared your life's journey for a while and became a part of your family and your life, be grateful for every second he was in it, he brought you so much. It would have been tragic to never have known his sweet love at all, so celebrate that sweet boys life, try not to dwell on the end. Keep your mind busy, love those who are left in your care, life is way too short to spend it on tears and grief. The loss to your heart is great, but what he brought into your life is greater, so concentrate on that legacy of love he left in your keeping, and know he will send what comfort he can when you need it the most, ask and you will receive. Time is the only thing that softens the sharp edges of grief, that and the support of people who understand your pain. Take care..... RIP beautiful James, you will never be forgotten and will always be held in a loving heart!

James knew what it was to like to be loved and cherished because of you. I am truly sorry for your loss and the pain you are in. He was a very beautiful boy