What would you do? (sorry, long)

We got an email from my brother in law announcing that my father in law is getting married on the 20th.

Now, we hardly have any contact with him, except when he wants something from us. He is not Jake's biological father, just adopted him when he was 10 years old - we don't know the full story there either.

Anyways, we have never met the woman - we tried to contact him many times over the past year to the answer 'I am busy' - every time. So we thought, well let him contact us when he is not so busy. Jake heard from his brother that his father was getting married a few months ago and so Jake went to talk to him and he said that it wasn't true.

And then we get an email a few days ago that he indeed is getting married, less than two weeks away.

He knows where we live, he knows how to contact us. He has made no attempt to contact us, to introduce us to this woman.

Jake feels a bit insulted that he has to find out through his brother, and another man who works with his father. A little hurt, maybe. And also, it is such short notice.

He does not want to go, he does not feel comfortable going. There is so much history there, but I won't go into details.

My mother said it is understandable that Jake doesn't want to go to the wedding.

It would be nice to have some family around here who actually communicates with Jake, just to see how he is, and not when they want something.

Oh Kellye, families!. Theres a saying that goes ' It's a shame you can't pick your family like you can your friends'!. And how true that can be in a lot of families. I myself was disowned by my brother all for leaving my husband 6 year ago, and they say blood is thicker than water?!.

It would be a shame if he did'nt go, but from what i've read he's obviously been hurt by it all, i know i would be.

Then on the other hand, why stoop as low as the man who took jake on as if he were his own son!.

I can be really stubborn, but i think i've mellowed a lot over the years, possibly due to the fact that i've lost a couple of friends at a young age which has shown me that life is short.

Try and talk him round in going, you never know both of you might have a brilliant time!!!.

Kellye mate, I think, in this situation, that Jake should go with his gut feeling on this one. He hasn't received an invitation to the wedding, so there's no obligation on his part. It seems as if the relationship is strained at best and it may cause further problems if Jake is seen to 'intrude' and show up anyway.

What would I do? I would keep things cordial and perhaps write a short, congratulatory letter after the event. He's not making any effort to spend time with you and Jake (except when he wants something) so I wouldn't expend physical and emotional energy on trying to create a relationship that may not really be there. Jake may find that it's easier on him to accept that it's OK not to have a close, loving relationship with his Dad. It's a sad thing but he has you, your babies, your family and friends as his family.

Thinking of you and Jake.

I think Kumbulu has the right idea. If Jake doesn't want to go, he shouldn't. It's sad that the relationship is the way it is, but . . .

You and Jake made a decision that was best for you. You chose to allow these people to come to you. I happen to agree. Eventually, you have to cut your losses and live your life. If Jake feels the need to write a short letter after the wedding, he should do that. Other than that, I would just go on with your life.

I would keep things cordial and perhaps write a short, congratulatory letter after the event.

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Very good suggestion. I also agree to let them come to you. However, if it is because they need something, then it is your time to say Sorry, I'm busy, but I'd love for you to come by some time for tea. That leaves it open for interpretation by them.

Kellye, I agree with the others. If Jake's father can't even personally tell him about/invite him to the wedding, Jake shouldn't feel obligated to go. A card with a short note should suffice. I feel bad for Jake.

Originally posted by Sweets
Very good suggestion. I also agree to let them come to you. However, if it is because they need something, then it is your time to say Sorry, I'm busy, but I'd love for you to come by some time for tea. That leaves it open for interpretation by them.

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I definitely like the idea about the tea.

You could write a note before the wedding too. Something along the lines of "Have a happy wedding, sorry we couldn't attend." Or something like that.

Is there a possibility that there actually is no wedding? My father in law (who nobody talks to) sent a message through the grapevine that he had a heart attack and was in the hospital. So, of course, Darrell went to the hospital to see his father. This guy turned Darrell away saying he didn't want to see him, he wasn't his son etc. etc. etc. We think he did it to test Darrell and see if he was still attached in some way. Sadly, he likes to play games like that.

Personally, since Jake's father denied the rumour in the first place and didn't send out an invitation (which I'm sure the new wife would insist on) I would consider myself uninvited and would not go. Whether you want to acknowledge the wedding is up to you but I would try and find out if it's actually true first.

Good luck!

I would send a nice gift, forgo the wedding and wish them well on their life's journey.

Looks like we are not going to the wedding. You guys are right, he did not send an invitation, and finding out this info through third parties isn't right.

We are tired of making the first move all the time in trying to keep up contact with him. But this time, if he wants to see us, he can make the attempt himself and see us. He knows where we live, he knows our postal address, he knows our email address. There's no excuse.

Thanks everybody.

Kellye, you have received wonderful advice already. A big hug to you and Jake!!