My sweet girl is leaving me soon...

This month has been rough for me to say the least but the worst was when my vet suggested that it was time to put my beloved kitty to sleep.

Earlier this year in January, I took her in because she was losing weight very quickly and frequently throwing up. The vet ran tests and found that her chemical panel showed signs of kidney disease as well as some form of cancer developing in her liver. They suggested I go to a specialist where they could do a sonogram and biopsy on her to figure out a form of treatment. The vet pretty much told me she would only have a few months before things took a turn for the worst and we would need to intervene.

I didn't really like his finality to her situation but now 11 months later I understand.

At her age, 16, I was worried that putting her under the stress of multiple tests and surgeries would just make her little frail body more sick and that I would lose her sooner. My vet actually agreed with my decision and he gave me a few suggestions on how to make her comfortable for the time being.

Last week she had not pooed in the litter box for over a week so I knew something was up. I took her in and they ran blood tests, did xrays and all kinds of tests on her. Sure enough her condition had worsened and her little organs were beginning to shut down.. now they told me I needed to make a decision...

While my kitty was at the vet, I cried so hard. My family and friends were very supportive and my boyfriend came over and just held me for a while. My cat, Paprika, has been my best little friend, my travelling companion, my confidante for 16 years. She got me through my awkward teenage years, she traveled with me when I decided to move to a bunch of different cities, she was always by my side when I was sick and she always greets me at the door when I get home after work. How can I be with out my kitty?

It just breaks my heart. And then I think I am being selfish in keeping her around even though she is clearly suffering. I love my sweet little girl so much...

Sometimes I look at her and think, she looks just fine how can I end her life. Then I really look at her and see how thin and frail she is. How weak and tired she has become. Her quality of life has diminished so much in the past year that keeping her going like this is just unfair.

I hate the thought of setting a day/time to end it but I know I must...

So, I ask, how did you get the courage to make that final call and how did you decide it really was the end?

I'm so sorry to hear that your dear Paprika is so ill. I literally tear up when I read situations like yours because I feel in every fiber of my being the sheer despair you must feel because I know one day I will be faced with the same horrific decision about my best friend. My heart goes out to you and your girl. While I don't personally have any advice, I want to share with you one of the most beautiful posts and subsequent threads I think I've read on this forum. I hope that the words of the original poster and those of subsequent posters bring you comfort and help you find some peace and clarity in this dark time:

http://www.thecatsite.com/t/237066/when-the-moment-comes

Please keep us posted on how you and Paprika are doing. [emoji]10084[/emoji]️

I, too, can feel the desperation and agony pouring from your post. Your pain is evident and comes because you love your sweet little girl so much and don't want to ever be without her. But you cannot let the suffering go on either, and there is a fine line between quality in a life and suffering. Only the one that knows her the best knows if she is over that line, does she still find pleasure in a normal day? Does she lay in the sun, purr when you stroke her, and nibble once in a while, or drink! She may not be using the litter box because she has little to expel. Every living creature has to end their time on this earth, it is part of the life cycle. Death is not easy, everyone is programmed to fight it. Cats are especially good at hiding their pain, and are especially stubborn at letting go. Even though I pray so very hard fro each and every loved one to let go softly in their sleep after a wonderfully long life, it very rarely happens.

Everyone is blessed if they leave someone behind to mourn their passing. The loved one can be kept alive by being held in a loving heart heart and using the bond that was formed while their physical presence was on this earth. This bond is now spiritual, and like love, eternal and will follow them forever as long as they have their precious memories to keep it alive.  

Your little girl will depend on you to find the strength to do what is right, to end the suffering and to allow her to follow that fork in the road. She will meet you again at the end in the distant future. She will be at peace knowing she leaves behind someone who loves her so very much, that she will never be forgotten and that she left a mark in this world by sharing your life and your love.She is in your life for a reason, she gives so much, and you are so much richer for it. You are so blessed to have known and loved her, your world would have been so much emptier without her in it.

My heart cries for what you are going through, your pain is matched by your love. She would never want to bring you such sadness, try to live the rest of your life as she would want, as you would want for her if you were the first to leave. I'll pray for you both, you will be blessed for hurting so bad from loving so much........ 

Your cat is telling you that it is time, that while she had a great life here and loves you dearly for helping her it is time for her to move on to the next life and that she is ready....it is NEVER easy to make that call, you never want to have to "play God", but as pet owners that is part of our "job", to show them the final act of love when it is time and when we can help ease their pain. We here all feel for you, we certainly understand, have been there, done that, but even if we did it a thousand times it never is easy. Just know that you did a wonderful thing for your kitty, you love her, she loves you, you have no regrets, now you must stir up the courage to do the one last, bittersweet act of love for her. We are all sad and crying with you, we understand.....

God Bless.......

I know that this is so hard for you.  My DH and I have often put it off too long, because we just couldn't bear to go through with it.  So I don't feel qualified to give advice, but want you to know that you and Paprika will be in my prayers.  Bless you.  

Thank you everyone for the kind words! Means a lot [emoji]128522[/emoji]

Stephanie Junca said:

Thank you everyone for the kind words! Means a lot [emoji]128522[/emoji]

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We are here for you stephanie junca [emoji]10084[/emoji]️

I had to make the decision a few months ago for my kitty Ringo. I didn't think it was something I could ever do either. But at that moment it was not about me, it was about him. No way was I going to let my boy suffer for one single second.  I know I did the right thing and you will too.  You will be in my thoughts and prayers

I had one vet tell me today is the day. But when I looked at him he didn't seem quite ready and still had a lot of fight left in him. When I went to catch him to put him in the carrier he ran from me. That told me right there that today was not the day. It happened naturally more than two weeks later. Only you will know when it's time.

I pray that you have many days with your sweetie. Sending her healing vibes 

I'm still struggling to figure out what to do here. Everyone says that I'll know when it's time but I feel like I can't really know this for sure.

Today, I started to notice how little she is actually eating so I had to practically force feed her even though she was mad at me. I thought about how last night my boyfriend and I were eating a pizza with bacon and goat cheese and other yummy things. She always stares at him to see if maybe she can convince him because he is usually the one to cave. So he dropped a little piece of bacon in front of her.. she sniffed it a little and then walked away. She came back a little while later to stare again to which he showed her the bacon again... she smelled and looked away.

This weekend I remembered how she used to love licking the yogurt cups after I was done eating out of them but she no longer seems interested by those either. I guess I am just noticing how much she has lost interest in food in the past few days to weeks.

I guess it is not only that but she also used to sleep in the window after watching the squirrels run up and down the trees. The sun comes in perfectly in that window so she would bask in it and nap. I think I have seen her do that once in the past month. Everything seems to have dimmed for her and I get so sad.

Then randomly out of nowhere she'll start playing with a dried up leaf that we brought in by accident with our shoes. Reminds me of when she was just a young kitty playing with everything.

I just don't know...

For everyone it's a bit different.  Some say better to let go too early than too late.  Others say it's best to wait until it's inevitable.  My sister said she knew it was time because when she went to put her kitty in a carrier (she always hated cats but made an exception for this one for some reason) the kitty didn't even fight her at all.  He just laid there with no energy, and didn't even pick up his head.  

I'm so sorry for what you are going through.  Our time is coming too, it's just a matter of time before we too will be back in the same situation you are going through right now.  No two ways about it, it's hard.  Hugs to you!

Sorry I'm editing to add something I meant to say at the end of the first paragraph.  When I went to put Sammy in his carrier, he ran from me!  He still had some life left in him, and that's what made me stop and wait.  Still, it's a highly personal decision and a very tough one to make. 

Hi Stephanie, although this is not what you want to hear, set a date and really soon. I have had cats die of cancer where I waited too long, the pain becomes horrific. Make a special (this) weekend with her, where you spend all your time together and then Monday have the vet come to your house. Believe me, in retrospect when you wait too long you will feel awful. I know I did.

I also made another mistake you have not made. My cat was only just 12 and quite sick but I did put him through treatments. It made for a terrible end. I still can't think about it (March 2015) because of overwhelming guilt and grief. You are doing it right! Say your goodbyes and let her go while she still has her dignity and before she starts succumbing to the pain.

My heart goes out to you, whishing you strenght for you and for her.

Orientals said:

Hi Stephanie, although this is not what you want to hear, set a date and really soon. I have had cats die of cancer where I waited too long, the pain becomes horrific. Make a special (this) weekend with her, where you spend all your time together and then Monday have the vet come to your house. Believe me, in retrospect when you wait too long you will feel awful. I know I did.

I also made another mistake you have not made. My cat was only just 12 and quite sick but I did put him through treatments. It made for a terrible end. I still can't think about it (March 2015) because of overwhelming guilt and grief. You are doing it right! Say your goodbyes and let her go while she still has her dignity and before she starts succumbing to the pain.

My heart goes out to you, whishing you strenght for you and for her.

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Your post really hit home for me... I do feel like it is almost time now. I came home from work and she greeted me at the door as usual. I gave her food to which again she sniffed and walked away. I put some chicken in the oven and while it's baking I decided to do her sub-Q fluids. Usually she would squirm until I just gave up but this time she just laid in my lap. She did move though while I was petting her and the needle popped out accidentally so she walked away to avoid the spray of fluids... but I just found that interesting that she would just lay there like that and not wrestle me practically as she had been. My poor kitty... [emoji]128532[/emoji]

I really do appreciate everyone's kind words on this forum. It has really helped.

This Christmas will definitely be a sad one for me and my family though ...

Stephanie Junca said:

Your post really hit home for me... I do feel like it is almost time now. I came home from work and she greeted me at the door as usual. I gave her food to which again she sniffed and walked away. I put some chicken in the oven and while it's baking I decided to do her sub-Q fluids. Usually she would squirm until I just gave up but this time she just laid in my lap. She did move though while I was petting her and the needle popped out accidentally so she walked away to avoid the spray of fluids... but I just found that interesting that she would just lay there like that and not wrestle me practically as she had been. My poor kitty... [emoji]128532[/emoji]

I really do appreciate everyone's kind words on this forum. It has really helped.

This Christmas will definitely be a sad one for me and my family though ...

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This is heartbreaking to read, I am sorry you are having to deal with this. Give her lots of love and tell her how special she is and what she means to you and your family 

Well unlike yesterday, giving kitty her meds and fluids today was a struggle. I would get the needle in only to have her squirm away before I could get the flow started and keep her still. The needle ended up causing her to bleed so I had to give up for tonight. Then her meds I usually mix with a little wet food or lactose free milk and squirt into her mouth but she instantly gagged and threw it up. Today was a difficult day to say the least.

She threw up this morning and pooed on my futon. She does this when she is uncomfortable so getting her to take her meds and fluids felt essential today but she just wasn't having it. So frustrating and heartbreaking. I wish she knew I was just trying to make her feel better even for just a little while. [emoji]128532[/emoji]

I am so truly sorry for what you are going through with your sweet kitty, Paprika. I can tell just by reading your posts how much your kitty is loved. My heart cries when I read posts like yours. You are hurting so much and there is nothing anyone can truly do. I wish with all my heart that I had some magic wand that could make all your pain vanish and make sweet Paprika well again. If only I had that magic. I feel your pain, I truly do. Just know that you are doing EVERYTHING in your power to help her. She has lived to 16 years old, that is all because of you. I know how hard it will be when you lose your sweet baby, but know that she had a great life and will always love you. She will always be with you (in her very own special place in your heart).
I am wishing you have some more time with your baby. Just hold her and love her, knowing how much she loves you in return. The love you and Paprika have for each other will remain with you forever. My heart goes out to you during this very sad time.
Hugs to you and Paprika as well!

I got scared for a minute here. Kitty was in my lap sleeping when she let out a big sigh and then didn't breathe in again for a little while. I sat there staring at her little body waiting for her sides to move in and out again and finally after what seemed an eternity she breathed in again. She looked around and then laid her head down again.

I looked up how many times kitties breathe in and out on average. It's 20-30 breathes per minute. So, I sat here and counted with a stop watch going. I got 18 breaths for a minute. She is right below average... my sister said that is probably a sign that it's soon.

I want to take her outside before she goes. She used to love walking in the grass at my parent's house and chase the birds and lizards. But, I unfortunately now live in an area where it's cold out and there are no lizards anywhere near here. I have considered wrapping her in blankies and taking her out tomorrow because it's the only day coming up where it will be above freezing but of course I have to work... maybe I'll do a half day for her. Luckily I work with people who understand what I am going through and my boss is flexible with what I need to do so I might ask for that.

I do wish there was bereavement time available for pets. They are family too and sometimes some of our nearest and dearest to us [emoji]128575[/emoji]

I'm happy that your work is understanding. If possible, take the whole day with your girl. Give that gift to both you and her [emoji]10084[/emoji]️

I just did a very quick search for pet loss bereavement and found this organization:

http://www.aplb.org/

And this one:

https://rainbowsbridge.com/Grief_Support_Center/Grief_Support_Home.htm

Also, any conselor can help you work through this. At the end of the day, grief is grief. Loss of a beloved pet or struggling with coming to terms with it in the near future is a very real loss. It is no less real because this is a cat. This dear soul has been your companion and family for many, many years.
I'm thinking of you and your girl [emoji]10084[/emoji]️[emoji]10084[/emoji]️

stephanie junca how are you and Paprika doing today?