Equal Opportunity Bashing

HOW TO BE A GOOD DEMOCRAT

You have to believe the AIDS virus is spread by a lack of federal funding.

You have to believe that the same teacher who can't teach 4th graders how to read is somehow qualified to teach those same kids about sex.

You have to believe that guns in the hands of law-abiding Americans are more of a threat than U.S. nuclear weapons technology, in the hands of Chinese communists.

You have to believe that there was no art before Federal funding.

You have to believe that global temperatures are less affected by cyclical documented changes in the earth's climate and more affected by yuppies driving SUV's.

You have to believe that gender roles are artificial but being homosexual is natural.

You have to be against capital punishment but support abortion on demand.

You have to believe that businesses create oppression and governments create prosperity.

You have to believe that hunters don't care about nature but loony activists who've never been outside Seattle do.

You have to believe that self-esteem is more important than actually doing something to earn it.

You have to believe the military, not corrupt politicians, start wars.

You have to believe the NRA is bad because it supports certain parts of the Constitution, while the ACLU is good because it supports certain parts of the Constitution.

You have to believe that taxes are too low but ATM fees are too high.

You have to believe that Margaret Sanger and Gloria Steinmen are more important to American history than Thomas Jefferson, General Robert E. Lee or Thomas Edison.

You have to believe that standardized tests are racist but racial quotas and set-asides aren't.

You have to believe that Hillary Clinton is really a lady.

You have to believe that the only reason socialism hasn't worked anywhere it's been tried is because the right people haven't been in charge.

You have to believe conservatives telling the truth belong in jail but a liar and sex offender belongs in the White House.

You have to believe that homosexual parades displaying drag, transvestites and bestiality should be constitutionally protected and manger scenes at Christmas should be illegal.

You have to believe that illegal Democratic Party funding by the Chinese is somehow in the best interest of the United States.

You have to believe that this letter is part of a vast right wing conspiracy.

a. A woman can't be trusted with decisions about her own body, but multinational corporations can make decisions affecting all mankind without regulation.

b. Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you're a conservative radio
host. Then it's an illness and you need our prayers for your recovery

c. The United States should get out of the United Nations, and our
highest national priority is enforcing U.N. resolutions against Iraq.

d. Government should relax regulation of Big Business and Big Money
but crack down on individuals who use marijuana to relieve the pain of illness.

e. "Standing Tall for America" means firing your workers and moving
their jobs to India.

f. Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of homosexuals and Hillary
Clinton.

g. The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in
speeches while slashing veterans' benefits and combat pay.

h. Group sex and drug use are degenerate sins unless you someday run
for Governor of California as a Republican.

i. If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won't have sex.

j. A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our longtime allies,
then demand their cooperation and money.

k. HMOs and insurance companies have the interest of the public at
heart.

l. Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy. Providing
health care to all Americans is socialism.

m. Global warming and tobacco's link to cancer are junk science, but
creationism should be taught in schools.

n. Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush's daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney did business with him and a bad guy when Bush needed a "we can't find Bin Laden" diversion.

o. A president lying about an extramarital affair is an impeachable
offense. A president lying to enlist support for a war in which
thousands die is solid defense policy.

p. Government should limit itself to the powers named in the
Constitution, which include banning gay marriages and censoring the
Internet.

q. The public has a right to know about Hillary's cattle trades, but
George Bush's driving record is none of our business.

r. You support states' rights, which means Attorney General John
Ashcroft can tell states what local voter initiatives they have a
right to adopt.

s. What Bill Clinton did in the 1960s is of vital national interest,
but what Bush did in the '80s is irrelevant.

t. Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is communist, but
trade with China and Vietnam is vital to a spirit of international harmony.

I want to join this party as well!