Urgent - what should I do?

I just spent the last half hour with R. on the phone. She has severe back injuries, and lost so much blood that they gave her transfusions. The hospital has her in intensive care, so that she is under "guard" all the time. The Consulate is involved, and has talked to her parents, so they are being pressured to allow her to divorce (okay, so I have to stop bitching about bureaucrats and hospital administrators, and even though the Belgian police have a bad reputation because of Dutroux, they've all come through for her.). I still think she's going to have to disappear. Taking her in here won't be an option, because her parents now know I'm involved. It's really sad that the poor kid has to turn to teachers because her own family won't help her, in fact put her in this situation in the first place. I have Moslem (Turkish) relatives, and in fact had a male cousin hiding out here for about six weeks to avoid being pushed into an arranged marriage (he hitchhiked most of the way from Ankara, and managed to land on my doorstep, even though he speaks no German whatsoever), so I guess that's why she called me. I still don't know how she happened to take my home and cell phone numbers with her - out of fear?
My colleague who put her in touch with "Rosa e.V." has friends in the organization, and can certainly arrange for counselling at the very least. I've always pegged the woman as a real manhater because of the way she treats male colleagues, but I suppose she has her reasons, and will be more than willing to help R. It's run by Moslem immigrant and German women.
R. said that she has never felt so alone in her life, so I told her that people here were offering suggestions, telephone numbers and sympathy, and she was so touched that she started crying. She asked me to tell you all that she is very grateful.

Wow they are doing a wonderful job for her, how long will she be in the hospital? She is very lucky to have you as a teacher, and a friend. I guess I can understand how that woman is a manhater, after all she has probably seen I would be too, but not all men are like that. I can bet we will all be keeping her in our thoughts, hopeing she comes out of this real safe!

Rest assured, there are many more who haven't posted to this thread who are keeping her very close to our hearts right now, myself being one.

Originally posted by valanhb
Rest assured, there are many more who haven't posted to this thread who are keeping her very close to our hearts right now, myself being one.

Click to expand...

Add two more to that number, as hub and I both have been watching it anxiously ever since it was started......was wishing there was some way to help, but right now prayer is about the only thing I have to offer !
Cindy

The last sentence of your last post, Jcat, brought a knot to my throat. Tell her that no thanks are nescesary, we are just doing what any caring person would do. She is very close to everyone's hearts here.

At least the consulate is pressing, that may have some effect. I am not familiar with the laws of Belgium nor of Germany, but since the age of adulthood often starts at 21, the parents may have a legal responsibility of the matter if this was to get worse, of leaving her in an enviroment, which to their knowledge was deadly. If such a thing is real, then the consulate may be able to really pressure them.

If she is to dissapear, one thing we have to take into account: What languages does she speak? It's obvious she knows German and Arabic, so she can go to Austria or Switzerland. Both are places where she can easily blend in without having to make such an overadjustment to life in a new country.

I really hope that she chooses to disappear, because she cannot go like this.

They want to keep her in the hospital until they are sure that she won't suffer permanent paralysis because of the spinal injury, but, being aware that she is a victim of spousal abuse, they understand the necessity of getting her out of Brussels. Hubby apparently comes from a very large (and therefore potentially dangerous) family. Air travel isn't an option, according to the hospital. Stuttgart is roughly five hours by car/ambulance from Brussels, provided that the weather is good and there isn't too much traffic. At the moment, Europe is blanketed in snow, but it's supposed to warm up over the next few days. I got some info out of Rascha - she's so doped up with painkillers and upset that she's not too clear at times. And I don't speak/"hear" French, so trying to communicate with those helping her (other than the people at the Consulate) is difficult. If she were in northern Belgium it would be easier - Flemish isn't hard to understand for anybody who can speak German and English. The orthopedic surgeon treating her is also Lebanese, and he apparently called her parents this morning and gave them an earful. He was the one who had her put in intensive care and provided with a telephone, and he just had Rascha give me his email address and cell phone number. I doubt that her parents will listen to me (a female American, and therefore an "infidel"), but one male colleague who can only be described as "honey-tongued" has offered to talk to her parents. The situation is thus: Hope for the best, but be prepared for the worst. Rascha is only 19. She's "of age", and supposedly mistress of her own fate, but .... that simply hasn't worked out in her favor.

Praying.....

I speak a little French and can hear it effectively, but I don't know if I could be of any help here in Puerto Rico.

Your friend is definately in my prayers. My aunt was in a very abusive marriage and wouldn't leave her husband out of fear, he was killed at work one day and she is a totaly different woman now.

I hope she can escape and live a 'normal' life.

You must be a terrific teacher.

Praying..

No news today, other than that her sister is with her. I think Rascha could probably go to any one of several countries, since she speaks Arabic and German fluently, and manages okay in English and French. I know Britain has organizations similar to Rosa e.V., and as an EU citizen she could easily get a residence permit there.
Victor, three women I work with are native French speakers, but thanks for the thought. At the moment it's probably best that only my male German colleague and I are in contact with her family or any officials, despite our lack of French, so that we still have the option of hiding her at least for a short time at one of the other teachers' homes. The fewer names her husband can find out, the better.

Jcat, I am sending you a PM, it is about this matter, which I would rather keep private.

I was hoping for the best, and expecting the worst. At the moment I could just scream. Rascha's father brought her home over the weekend, and she's in the hospital here, getting physical therapy. She'll probably be in there at least another week. Her parents, particularly her mother, promised to help her get a divorce. My colleague and I went to visit her again today, and now her parents have made arrangements for her husband to come and get her when she's due to be released! She didn't press charges against him (or her parents), although forced marriages, marital rape and wife (and child) beating are all illegal here. She refuses to break off contact with her family, which is the only way we can get her some help. She's in very bad shape both physically and emotionally (so bad that she won't be able to graduate in July). Our impression is that she is probably suicidal. The therapists in the hospital aren't getting through to her either, apparently, judging by the nurses' guarded remarks. Rascha called her eldest uncle in Lebanon, who is the family patriarch. He told her she could come and stay with him, and she keeps asking if she should. M. and I told her no way - the uncle was the one who got this whole arrangement between the families started, and she won't have any rights back in Lebanon, from what I've read. If she goes there, her husband is sure to just come and get her. Just to top everything off, somebody is calling here zig times a day and hanging up. Since that started last Thursday, I have a pretty good idea that it's either her parents or husband. How do I get this kid to take the help offered her? She seems to have no will left.

Agreed. No way she should go back to Lebanon. There the marriage would be legal. In Europe we can take such a marriage into court and allege it's invalid because it was forced.

Let me see if I get this straight... The parents promised to help her get a divorce, and are arranging to have her sent back to Belgium once she is released? My question is this: Did they say they would help just to get the pressure off their backs and do the opposite, or are they going to help but keep her with hubby until the divorce takes place? Either way, it isn't very helpful.

This is getting worser by the minute. Because right now, the biggest obstacle is Rascha herself, and her deep depression.

Jcat, I don't like what I am saying, but the only suggestion I can give you is this: Someone who is in her state can be easily manipulated like if it was molding clay. And, I am afraid that in this case she is falling under that same spell of both the parents and the hubby. You can try to be blunt, and at the same time give her some hope. Since it seems to me that many of her reasons for not cutting off with the family is the other siblings, you can try to convince her that the cutting contact with her sisters is temporary. That when the time is right she may contact them again. But not the parents, if you know what I mean. You can also try to be somewhat blunt in the sense of telling her the truth of how she could have been killed (which she must know already) that if she goes back to the marriage she may not survive a few years more. Because, in her case it's almost a decision of life or death.

Also, she may fear what might happen to her with the idea of living alone in a big city of a foreign country. Tell her that she will have support from the "Rosa e.V." guys there.

In other words, see what are the reasons for her refusing, and then address those reasons specifically.

PS: See if you can get yourself a caller ID and see who on earth is the caller. He may be related, or just a prank, but it's worth finding out.

I don't think her parents have or had any intention of helping her - a divorce would be too much of a "disgrace" (so what about a suicide or homicide?) Rascha is so "conditioned" to being under her parents' thumb that she can't seem to make any decisions for herself. I've tried the drastic approach, i.e., I spent hours on the Internet finding and printing out horror stories about forced marriages, honor crimes, wife beaters, etc., plus stories of girls who were helped and started new lives, including one who re-established contact with her mother and siblings. Also accounts of women who have been helped in shelters. Today another teacher and five classmates went to talk to her - no go, though by all accounts their arguments were pretty convincing. Her two brothers (17 and 14) are taking the parents' part. Her 17-year-old brother had the nerve to tell me that his sister is at fault because she didn't try to please her husband!!!! I felt like smacking him.
The phone company traced the calls to her husband's cell phone, so our home phone and my cell phone are set to block any calls from that number or his home and work numbers, which information kindly provided.
This whole situation seems so hopeless.

What a horrific story. I've been "lurking" and reading these posts since they started, but hadn't posted until now because arranged marriage is not an area I know anything about.

Unfortunately, I do know that you can offer someone all the help in the world and if they won't take it, there is nothing you can do. You have gone above and beyond for this poor girl. If she chooses to do nothing, you have to let her go. You have given her all the information. She knows what her choices are. It is a sad situation that she is so "brainwashed" by her parents and her culture that she cannot see her way out, even when it is offered to her. It is also incredible to me that any parent would send their child back to a man who almost killed her.

I send her my prayers and hope that she changes her mind, but if not, you can't force her to do something, even if it is the right thing.

Both you and she are in my thoughts.

After living this life for 6 yrs, I know a little about where her head is at. And right now, its "her fault"...she wasn't the wife she should have been. "Its my fault he got so angry" "I didnt do ______ right"...fill in the blanks with anything from cooking to breathing.
I hid it all under alot of makeup and baggy clothes and let no one touch or hug me cause they might hit one of the bruises accidentally. But I always defended him. After all, he told me he loved me all the time! He was a good provider. He was under alot of stress at work. I was too much of a nag and perfectionist. Etc Etc Etc.

Rascha needs to meet someone face-to-face that went thru this. See if the hospital can arrange it, or have one of the teachers bring someone with them next time they go visit.

One thing that might hit home with her...is she willing to see her daughter like this in 20 yrs? Or see her daughter like this in 10 yrs cause spouse beaters often are child beaters too.

Sandy

Sandy, thanks for the insights. One of her classmates immediately zeroed in on what fate Rascha would be condemning her own daughters to, and that her parents wouldn't be around forever, but at this point she isn't even thinking of the distant future. Rascha isn't making any excuses for her husband (she barely knows him, let alone ever loved him). It seems to me that she wants somebody to wave a magic wand and make everything okay, which obviously isn't going to happen.
She asked me for help, so she must have some will of her own deep down inside, but I'm stumped now. The organization I mentioned above, Rosa e.V., had women who went through the same thing talk to her. I've told her about other former students who were in similar situations, and also about my sister (victim of a vicious batterer for 10 years - believe me, I've done a lot of reading on battered wives).
Sorry if I'm using this forum to vent - my husband can't hear this any more, and my nightmares keep waking him up. My students are my "kids", so I have to try to help.

You can add me to the list of those who are having troubles sleeping with this. I am halfway around the world and all I know of her is what you've told me, but I am still worried sick. Can't start to imagine how must be for you.

jcat, I've been following this thread since the beginning and I just wanted you to know that I'm thinking of Rascha and praying she stays safe. She has all the information, choice and power she needs now even though she feels too broken at the momnet to use it. I hope she gathers up that last bit of strength to do what she must know, deep down, is right.

Please take care of yourself, it is awful that you're having constant nightmares about this.

We're all here for you.

I'm seriously wondering who is nuttier - my mom or I. She called me for an update this evening, and when I told her I was afraid that Rascha was suicidal, her response was to ask what was better - to get out of the situation now, or put up with years of abuse. She also told me that she was praying for Hassan (Rasha's husband) to have bad luck, e.g. a fatal car accident, every morning, and really didn't care if that backfired and "cursed" her. She claims she'S not religious, but her actions belie her words. She knows I've been carrying a switchblade for years (I was raped at 18, and feel no compunctions about defending myself with a deadly weapon), and suggested that I get one for Rascha, and encourage her to kill her husband should he attack her again. Her reasoning is that she would be better off in prison (there's no death penalty here) than being subjected to beatings for years, and subjecting her own kids to the same treatment. That's a bit hard to digest. I'm floundering.

Your mother is what we here would call a "Doña Barbara", which would mean litterally "Mrs. Barbarian", but is used to describe a very tough you-don't-wanna-meddle-with woman.

Don't flounder with this, please. We are rooting for ya! I know Rascha will have sucess in this. She is still in the trauma of what just happened. When she has a bit of time to mentally recover a bit, she will be more accessible. But in the meanwhile you need to keep a good eye on her and keep trying.

PS: If you think that wearing a switch blade is strange, I also do so when I go out alone. You think walking alone through Old San Juan in 9 PM is safe for a 15 year old?