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post #31 of 71
Oh dear, I think I understand how you feel, please see my PM. I will be praying for you.

post #32 of 71
Ive sent you another PM, but you know,from the sound of things if you have split 3 times all ready?!.

From the verbal abuse he's giving you with regards to you living in a trailer, i'd say he has no respect for himself never mind you!.

He's starting to knock your confidence Melissa, you mention your weak, but that's because he's put you there!.

I just wish i could be there to chat to you properly.

As i said to my friend who is in a similar position, your the only one who can decide if you can stay strong to put up with it all, but at the end of the day were all here to listen.

post #33 of 71
I am so sorry Melissa. Just wanted to let you know. And I hope that you find happiness.
post #34 of 71
Melissa - I've just read this, and I'm so sorry you're going through such awful crap. Nobody deserves to be undermined in such a way.

A couple of questions . . . couldn't you go and stay with your Mum for a while? . . . couldn't you stay put, throw him out and get a court order for him to at least contribute to the rent - courts tend to favour keeping the children's environment stable . . .

Please don't loose faith in your own strength. Things are blacker than black at the moment, but you will come out of this stronger and more in control than you ever believed you could be.
post #35 of 71
Melissa-I'm sorry to hear that you and hubby are having problems and that he is treating you this way. No one should ever have to put up with this. I can relate to your situation in a way...when I was growing up my dad did some pretty mean and abusive things to my mom, myself and my brother and sisters. There was no where for my mom to go because she didn't work, therefore she couldn't afford to leave with all of us kids.

I don't want to sit here and tell you what to do, but, like Hissy suggested, you might want to try marriage counseling or something along those lines. Its worth a shot at least.

I got married at 18 (my husband was 19)--we've been happily married for 2 1/2 years now. Maybe things will turn out ok in the end if you two can get some family or marriage counseling.

But, for now...maybe being seperated from each other for a few months might make him realize what he's missing out on...

Good luck and keep us posted! We're always here to listen.
post #36 of 71
I don't really have any advice, but I hope you can work things out one way or the other. Just remember you aren't to blame here, don't let him put you down, it sounds like he wants you to leave but doesn'
t like the fact that you are taking action - it means you have the upper hand. Take care of yourself and stay strong, you deserve better.
post #37 of 71

Just remember that if you 'fall for that charm again', you are letting him get the better of you. He plays you because you let him. After 3 strikes, it's becoming clear that he has nobody's best interests at heart except his own. All this up and down, back and forth is no good for your kids either. If you decide once and for all that you are done with a relationship like this, he will not be able to get his way by playing on your weaknesses. I wish you would listen to yourself - "the man I want to love". It speaks volumes to me. If you don't love exactly what he is, please stop wishing for him to be someone he is not just so you can love him.
post #38 of 71
Melissa, you must be going through the pits right now, but life keeps on. And do not cry for him. Someone who would rather party than have you, isn't a hopeful for big things if you understand what I mean. Don't beat yourself, as in truth you are not going to miss a lot, who is going to miss a lot is him.

Your half orange may be found a day from now, who knows. But, regardless of that, one doesn't need to have a couple to be able to survive. But one cannot survive with a couple that isn't meant for you.
post #39 of 71
Melissa, I am so sorry to hear this. Don't you DARE leave your house. He is in need of intense therapy and if he's not ready, there's little you can do for him.

I walked out on my first marriage which was abusive in many ways both physically and emotionally. Yes, it hurt for a while but I survived and met and married a wonderful guy 6 years later. Hank & I will be celebrating our 20th wedding anniversary in August.:cool

It happened for me and it WILL happen to you. The happiness you deserve is out there waiting for you and very soon you will find it once you get rid of the excess baggage. Tell him not to let the door hit him in the ass on his way out.

Love & Purrs;

post #40 of 71
((hugs)) I pm'd you!
post #41 of 71
Thread Starter 
Hi evryone- I just thought I'd take the time to post a little on whats going on on this front, because I'm still in need of all the support I can get

I am currently living at my moms with my two kids- not where I wanted to be at 28 years of age, but its safe here and my kids are more than loved and cared for. My husband is staying at the house we used to rent at the moment. Tongigh we are supposed to go to our first session with a councellor. I admit I'm not all that sure it can change anything at this point.

I want so badly to have that perfect family for my kids with a mom and dad and a dog in the yard, but it just never seems to be anything but chaos. I've been so upset I've let my health deteriorate to dangerous levels- I throw up all the time and haven't slept well in too long to remember. I just feel like curling up in a corner and wishing the whole damn world away. I don't understand why all this is being heaped on me and I'm finding it all very hard to deal with.

If anyone has a kind word, I'd love to hear it. I'm really hitting bottom here
post #42 of 71
Originally Posted by Melissa
I want so badly to have that perfect family for my kids with a mom and dad and a dog in the yard, but it just never seems to be anything but chaos.
I can relate to that wish. Yet I can tell you that living with parents that don't get along with each other is not a perfect family - even if they are there. I think it might be best for your kids to have a healthy loving mother by their side - and a father not living at home.

You are going through a rough patch now, but I promise you it'll be over - one way or another. And you will have happy times again! You have your children - they are precious. Make sure you spend time with them and enjoy your time together. Do fun things together - bake a cake, go to the park - let their natural happiness shine through and get to you.

Take care of yourself - eat properly, take time to rest your mind, read a book, meditat, post on tcs - anything that takes your mind off your troubles. Keep things in perspective - you all got your health and you need to keep it and keep the bond with your children. It's wonderful that you have a supportive family around you too.

And we're all for you as well -

Hugs and good vibes coming from Israel!
post #43 of 71
Melissa, I think Anne put it pretty well, and I don't think that I can add anything to it, except for two things1) Whatever happens, all of us here at TCS are rooting for you and (2)I am praying for you. If you need to talk to someone, PM me, or if you need to talk realtime, check and see if I am on MSN, I'll gladly take time to sit and talk, or just to listen if need be.
post #44 of 71
I agree with Anne. Melissa, this isn't the first time you and your husband have been through more than a rough patch. I am glad that you 2 are seeking counseling, but be prepared for the outcome that this man just is not the man you have in mind as the one who completes your perfect family scenario.
post #45 of 71

I know we don't "know" each other, but you don't have to move out. Please contact a lawyer, if not about divorce, then about the rights you and your children have earned. Additionally, and I hesitate to write this, but you should get tested for sexually transmitted diseases; including HIV. Don't want to scare you (I probably just did..I'm sorry) but when someone is drinking they tend NOT to have their wits about them and can make really bad choices. Even if he says he's been faithful..be smart. Good luck
post #46 of 71
I'm sorry to hear about your continuing troubles Melissa. You know, there are much worse things than living with your mom....you've got a great support system there that you need right now! I know it's hard, but try to go into counceling with realistic expectations. No family is perfect, not one. But also go in there knowing what YOU need and be willing to be happy without being married if it comes to that.

((((HUGS)))) We're here for you!
post #47 of 71
I know this will be a hard time for you and once again my heart is going out to you .
Remember right now you only can win and not loose something . Also it will take time to heal and time to adjust . So there will be no miracles after a counseling session and there may be things you don't like to hear and that is perfectly normal . Soak it in and meditate on it and try to learn from it , that is all you can do at this time . I sure remember I did not like to much what the counseler had to say to me at the time , but on the end she was right . That don't mean she/he will be right what he/she will tell you . So hang in there , at least your husband is willing to go for counseling . That is telling me that he is trying to work it out .
post #48 of 71
Originally Posted by Melissa
I told him I had found a place to rent, a mini-home, and that I was hoping to move in next week. He said that if I did that to NEVER try to come back to him, and that they write songs about girls who go live in 'trailer parks'.
wow Melissa, I just read this thread through. How horrible! What a jerk! I guess you COULD stay at the house and file for divorce and get him to pay you child support and alimony (to help pay the rent)... or you could find a nice cul-de-sac of trailers or mini-homes and live with your kids in a new place. Either way he's gonna have to pay you child support. I don't like what he said about "they write songs about girls who go live in 'trailer parks'." how abusive! You need to leave him and move on in your heart. You moving on will hurt him the most and make him see you as a different person and not as someone that he can manipulate.

Good luck with the councelling but don't go in there with high hopes.
post #49 of 71
You scared him by asserting your independence and telling him you don't buy into his theory that you are NOTHING without him. You are a capable young women, and from everything I know of you, a good and caring mom. You can make it in this world without him, and though it will be rough for awhile, you really will be better off. Look for him not to do long-term therapy with you- the truth will be to uncomfortable.

You can't have a perfect marriage Melissa, because honestly they don't actually exist. Even the most "perfect looking" marriage on the outside, ends up having problems on the inside. The couple is just really good at pretending-
post #50 of 71
Melissa, this might sound crazy, but I do speak from experience. My first husband was a drinker, and I managed to make that relationship last 10 years. He was smart and charming - but a horrible husband. Where you are right now, I really advise you to seek counseling for yourself in addition to the counceling you've decided to do together (if I understood correctly).

The most important thing to having a successful relationship (note I used the word "successful," not "perfect!") is your own sense of identity, self-worth and self-respect. I always thought of myself as a confident woman with self-worth and self-respect, but when I started digging, I found that I placed a lot more importance on making hubby and others happy than I was ever aware of.

You may not be feeling this right now, but you MUST tell yourself you are a wonderful, caring person and that you DESERVE admiration, love and respect. Make this your mantra, and repeat it to yourself over and over again. You may not feel it or believe it now, but so much of what happens in our lives is a result of what we believe about ourselves. You can start "reprogramming" that internal dialogue. And spending some time with a counselor or psychologist alone can really help you develop or redevelop a sense of self-respect, which is really the core of making any relationship "work" - or deciding to leave not-working relationships behind.

post #51 of 71

things have gotten to this stage, I believe you have your own ideas about how you wish to get things done. Give yourself time to sort things out. We'll be here for you whenever you need somebody to listen to you or give you support. If you wish for somebody to listen to you, feel free to find me on the MSN. I'm always on. wabbit_kate@hotmail.com
post #52 of 71
ya me too. I'm always on as well. Darrell_tamme@hotmail.com

Everyone has got lots of good advice. For a relationship to prosper it needs mutual respect. He obviously has none for you. and from what he told your mother it seems he has none for himself. (Or your mother)
post #53 of 71
Melissa, good for you to get away from that a$$. You deserve so much better. I hope that you find someone that deserves a wonderful person like you. I know it will be hard but in time you will get over my wrong and find mr right. relationship are give and take, not just take and take. He was not good for you. but you WILL find a great and loving man for you I promise!!!!!!!! There are a few out there, it just takes time to weed thru the crap to get to the roses! I'm here for you honey! I understand what you're going thru! I've been there done that, only I don't have kids, I did it with animals, strange huh? sat home every day when I was married before, he didn't let me go anywhere without him, it sucked. Now I have a great guy, it took me a long time to find him but I finally did and you will too! I swear!!!!!
post #54 of 71
I wish I had the magical words to make you feel better. I've been through this myself and was talked into "working things out" 8 times before I stood up for myself and totally cut myself off from him. I had to take a stand for my sanity as well as for the well being of my children. It was terribly upsetting to them, I've found out just how much over the years since then. I know how you feel right now and you have every right to feel that way. If he wants to change, he would have done it by now, if nothing else, for the sake of your children. My suggestion is, crawl up and wish the world away for a day. Be alone, take your kids to play with someone else and start to heal yourself, be alone with your thoughts. You have to be strong for the sake of your children. I know it hurts and I know its hard, but you WILL get through this one way or another. Time is the only thing that will make this easier and every time you go back, it makes it that much harder to heal the next time. I know you want the perfect family with the picket fences and a dog and you will have that one day. As far as moving out, let him have the house and let him have all the memories associated with it. Let him pay his dues there, the day all his buddies are busy or the day all his friends have "grown up" and are being responsible, he will have himself and only then will he realize what a mistake he has made. By that time you will be happy again and have moved on. Take comfort in that when the time comes. Right now, focus your feelings on something else. Channel your energy into doing something for YOU. From what I have read, you deserve that much at least.
post #55 of 71
Awww Melissa, i was just thinking about you and your husband when i saw your name on one of the postings the other day.

We would all love the perfect relationship, but sadly it's not all plain sailing.

I know it's hard, but you can't stay with someone like this.

When Richie and i split, my husband would have welcomed me back with open arms, but knowing i had my friends and family around me, made me realise i didn't need a man for security.

When i left my marriage, i left every piece of furniture that we both bought with my husband, because the last thing i wanted was his family to go around saying "She took this, she took that!".

Although i have bought my own house now and bought the furniture in it from the proceeds we got when we sold our marital home, i can happily say "It's mine and i did it on my own!".

And you can to!!. Even if it's rented, with second hand furniture, it's yours and at the end of the day you invite in who you want, when you want and even tell them to leave when you want!!.

Please don't think that you have to have a man to feel complete. This man has really giving you a low self esteem, and it's going to take a while to get it back up to where it should be.

I'll always remember when Richie and i split. That weekend a documentry was on one of the t.v. music channels about "Cher", and they played snippets of her records during it and " Do You Believe" was played.

If you ever get the chance listen to the words. It said it all for me!!.

Keep us all informed but sending
post #56 of 71
Melissa I PM'd you. Hope today is better than yesterday, and tomorrow better still. Hang in there, it WILL get better.
post #57 of 71
I am so sorry. *gives comforting hug* You now what? It is his loss! If he is going to chose to party,and to be irrsponable over you,he is losing the chance to live with and be with a wonderful person like you. You should tell him to move out himself if he isn't going to take care of your famliy. i hate what he is doing to you,and is IS going to stop.
post #58 of 71
Melissa, Like others have said, there is no perfect relationship. I hope you realize how much you mean to your family and friends, and take care of yourself. I am glad you and your husband are getting counseling. If things work out you will probably need it, and if they don't you'll need the strength you got to carry on. You and your children deserve more than someone who puts partying first. I am also on msn messenger on occasion, nittany89@hotmail.com. Take care of yourself, and know that you deserve a man who puts you first.
post #59 of 71
Thread Starter 
The councelling session didn't happen. I picked him up, and drove the 30 minutes there listening to him say it was a 'waste of time and money'. When we finally got there he said I could go in and that he was going to sit in the car. I looked at him and told him I would never, ever make another apointment at a marriage councellor ( I've done it twice before and he wasn't interested then either) and drove home.

I'm hurt, yeah. But I'm also starting to mentally and emotionally seperate myself from him. I HAVE to- its the only way I can wake up every day. Thank you all for your kind words. I have a feeling this place will be a healing thing for me. To know I'm not alone is crucial.
post #60 of 71
Melissa, I am so sorry you are having a rough time right now. I can't add anything to the wisdom already on this thread. Just know that I am here for you if you need to talk.
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