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I'm hurting

post #1 of 71
Thread Starter 
This morning is definitely not one of my best. I wasn't going to post this here, but I'm feeling so horrible I thought it might help to get it off my chest.

My husband and I have been having a lot of problems lately because he'd rather be out partying than here with me. This morning he said he wants me to move out. I'm just beside myself. I feel so worthless, having partying being chosen over me. He promised me that we'd be together forever ,and I feel like yesterdays trash. I honestly have no idea how to deal with this. I can't imagine waking up day after day alone and without purpose. I wish I didn't have to wake up at all tomorrow, to face another day like this one.

I'm sorry to be such a downer. I'm just hurting so much, and I have no one to turn to.

If there's anyone out there who's been through this, and has any advice on how I can begin to cope, feel free to PM me.
post #2 of 71
Oh Melissa, I'm so sorry. I don't have any advice but this-please feel free to come here and talk when you need to. You know you have a lot of support and good wishes here. Sending you lots of hugs.
post #3 of 71
Sweetie...I'm sorry. You're right...he didn't think much of you to choose partying over you. What an awful guy. You deserve better. All I can give for advice is that the wounds you feel right now get better with time...and those wounds heal different for everyone, and may even last longer than you, yourself thought they would, but there will eventually be a light at the end of the tunnel, and you'll find someone better. You did the right thing by asking your friends for support...I know that helps a lot through trying times like these.


No man is worth your tears, and the one who is, won't make you cry.
post #4 of 71
Three years ago, mine got the middle-aged crazies and decided that he wanted kinky sex, more than a good marriage. I hit rock-bottom but, with the support of my family and my best friend, I pulled out of it. I'm not sure if I would have made it without them, though.

As for moving out - why should YOU be the one to move out? HE'S the one who wants out so, let him move. Its bad enough to lose the person that you love most, without losing your home, too. You've got rights - fight for them. Standing up for yourself is the best way to get over the hurt. Sometimes, anger is good, as long as you don't direct it toward yourself.

Good luck and don't let the B*****D get you down!
post #5 of 71
Theres a PM on it's way!!

post #6 of 71
I agree with katl8e! Why should you be the one to move? You aren't the one doing anything wrong. Let him go bunk on one of his buddy's couches for awhile. It may even open his eyes to how good he has it. There is no reason you should lose out here. If you can afford it, you may want to talk to a lawyer before any of this goes any further, and find out exactly what your rights are. I wish you were not having to dael with this crap. Good luck, and please keep us posted.
post #7 of 71
I am so sorry. *hugs*
If he wants out, he should move. You shouldn't have to give up your home because he's behaving this way!

Grieve all you need to, but make sure that you take time to take care of yourself. You deserve so much better than to be treated that way. *hugs*
post #8 of 71
OMG - I soooo sorry to hear this [[[[[[[[[[HUGS]]]]]]]]]]]]

Honey you really don't want to be with a man that chooses partying over his wife!!! ....and I second, third and fourth the motion that if he want to be free he should leave!!!

He is NOT your sole purpose for living YOU ARE and you need to take care of yourself. Take a deep breath, lean on your family and friendsfor support - you are sooo much more deservent of someone who appreciates you!!!
post #9 of 71

What do you say to someone whose marriage is about to dissolve? There are no words, because in the short space of time that you post something, it is hard to put a lifetime of experience there. If what you say is going on, there are options if you wish to fight for this man. There are counselors you can seek out, churches you can attend to get the advice of elders, there are books you can read together, marriage seminars to go on, there are lots of options to divorce these days.

As I recall, you and he have hit rough spots in the past. Maybe this boulder is to big for you to move out of the way, or maybe you are just tired of trying. My thoughts are with the kids they are faced with an uncertain future because if he wants you to move out, does that mean he wants to keep the kids? You two have had time outs in the past and if it isn't working, then file divorce papers and let him be the one to find new living space.

When I was married before, I did a really dumb thing and shared my husband's destructive partying lifestyle. When I finally grew up and quit the drinking and partying it really threatened him. It was my choice to quit, and his choice to continue. Soon we parted permanently. He did not like my strengths for it pointed to his weaknesses.
post #10 of 71
I'm so sorry for you. As others have said though, why should you leave? He wants out so tell him to go and that you are staying.
If he choose that lifestyle over you then it's his loss, not yours. You'll find someone that is worth your love and will give you back the love you deserve.
Lean on your kitties, family and friends for support, we will all help you through this.
post #11 of 71
Melissa, although I haven't been through this, my sister was in a very similar situation. Her first husband told her to leave, that she was hampering his lifestyle...meaning she thought paying the bills was more important than going to the bar every night. (Sound familiar?) After she found out that he had moved his new skank, I mean girlfriend, into their house, she got mad and filed for divorce. After all was said and done, she got the house back and he did realize that he had made a big mistake. It was too late for that.

I have to agree with everyone else - you should NOT be the one leaving the house! If for no other reason than the kids. If partying is that important, how is he going to take care of them? Their lives should be disrupted as little as possible, and moving them around is not the best option for their wellbeing.
post #12 of 71
What a jerk I am so sorry you are being treated like this. (((( hugs )))) You know you can pm me anytime girl.
post #13 of 71
I'm sorry to hear this, Melissa, and I can only echo everybody else's advice: stay put. I don't know what the legal situation is regarding your home, but if you allow him to "kick you out", he might get the upper hand. Why should you move out when he's the one who is behaving irresponsibly?
post #14 of 71

His lifestyle will catch up with him one day. In the meantime, get angry. Its your house too. With the kids, you have the right to stay where you are. Meet him at the door with his clothes in a garbage bag and demand his keys. It sounds like he isn't very mature. Either that or he's now involved with something you really don't want in your house (drugs).

post #15 of 71


You deserve so much better. Being alone doesn't mean your life is "without purpose." Being single could be the greatest time of your life. You can spend so much time getting to *really* know yourself and what you want/need.
post #16 of 71
Bless your heart , I know how you feel . That has happend to me too . But I also have to agree on the others , he needs to move out and not you specialy if you have kids . If he wants a party life style , let him have it . But not where you are . In my case at that time , I was not married with him and the appartment was in his Name . I am sure I could have fought it , but did not wanted to . I moved out so he could have his party life he wanted . And to this day I Praise God I did . Yes I had some very hard times going through that , but there come a time when I started to see clear . I also had help from counseling and was advised (sp) that the move and the leaving him would be the best for me and the baby I had with him . Today looking back , I am gratefull I went counseling . I found my husband , the love of my life . He is a wonderful dad to my son . Do we have up and downs ? Yes , like all marriages has them . But please go to counseling , you will see how it will help you in a great way . I will keep you in my daily prayers
post #17 of 71
Thread Starter 
Thank you all so much for your support. I was a mess this morning when I wrote that. I still am, really.

He tried to talk to me this afternoon, and it was very up and down. One minute he was saying that he couldn't wait until I was out and that it was 'the best thing for both of us' and the next minute he was talking about marriage councellors. I told him to stop messing with my head, and left to get the kids at achool and we went to my moms for dinner instead of coming back home. I told him I had found a place to rent, a mini-home, and that I was hoping to move in next week. He said that if I did that to NEVER try to come back to him, and that they write songs about girls who go live in 'trailer parks'.

I took my son to skating lessons tonight and while I was gone he called my moms house and told her off- she told him to grow up and be a man and support his wife and kids to which he replied ' Support a wife who screws around on me?' I have NOT been screwing around on him and he knows that- hes desperately trying to take the spotlight off of himself and make me look like the bad guy.

You know, all I ever wanted was the 'American dream', family and house with a white picket fence. I never bargained for this chaos and I never thought I'd end up with someone who would have so little respect for me. I'm hurt and disappointed that I gave him ten years of my life to have it come to him choosing a bottle of whiskey over me.

And you know? Some stupid little part of me wants to wake up tomorrow and have everything be 'ok'. I feel like such a loser to love someone who has no idea how to love me back.

Btw- the reason I will be the one moving out is because the house we are in now is a renatl that I simply can't afford. It costs too much to heat amd upkeep. I need a smaller place I can afford. I'm going to be staying with my mom for the rest of this month to save up some money to get me on my feet.
post #18 of 71
If he's showing you so little respect, why respect his wishes and move out? You're not the loser, he is, because he's just throwing everything away. My sister's life has been in constant turmoil for the past 23 years because she has never really learned to stand up to men who've treated her badly. The only thing she has actually done right is to tell her abusive (now ex-) husband that she was staying in the house with the kids, and that he would have to move out. Kick or "freeze" him out. He might wise up, and he might not, but he should be the one to suffer, not you, because he's the one who apparently wants to "opt out" and focus on fun and games. Why do all the giving and loving, without anything in return? Don't allow yourself to be misled into thinking that you'll only be a success if the "white picket fence" dream comes true. You have to maintain your self-respect, and, as far as possible, give your kids a reasonably secure life.
post #19 of 71
Dear Mellissa, I am not sure how to reply to this, but I hope everything works out for you!! I can't imagine ever being without my husband, let alone getting hit with that! I too agree that he should be the one to move out, since it was his decision to end it!! best wishes!!

Jessica, Roxie, and Hunter
post #20 of 71
I'm so sorry to hear your having problems. Relationships suck sometimes. Sounds like he's really playing some games with you too. Like his comment when you told him you might have found a place that if you move out don't ever think of coming back. ??? He's the one that told you to in the first place! What a jerk.

Personally, I don't think you should have to move out either. You've got children. He should move and help you with the rent. Anyway, I'll be thinking about you. Stay strong!
post #21 of 71
Melissa, I'm so sorry! I really can't give any more advice than the others but please know that you & the kids are in my thoughts. Hang in there Sweetie! Stand your ground & don't let him push you around. You deserve better than that!!!
post #22 of 71
I am so sorry, I can't give you any advice because thats never happened to me, but what everyone elses advice is good.

Here's a big hugfor you.
post #23 of 71
Well Melissa, these recent events sound like a repeat of previous behavior on his part. Dr. Phil would say that past behavior usually indicates future behavior. You have given him plenty of opportunity to change this pattern through counseling and all. Perhaps it is time to see that despite having 2 children and a wife, he is not grown up enough to take care of his responsibilities, and maybe he never will be. Make sure you see a lawyer right away, even if you are just separated. His partying budget will be curtailed by the fact that he will owe his children support money. And although your life is crashing down around you, remember that you alone are responsible for your own happiness, not him. Take things one day at a time. Also, see that perhaps the man you are in love with and the man who he really is are 2 completely different people.
post #24 of 71
Why are men such asses? Melissa, probably the best thing you can do is start fresh, even if it means you have to move. Sometimes it's good for the mind & soul to begin fresh. When my ex and I split he took all the furniture and moved out leaving me with a dresser! Well, for me it was a good thing, new furniture, new lease on life, no excess baggage. It's a little tougher when you have kids but if your Mom can help out, you can do it! It will get better, he sounds like an overgrown child who will never grow up. Isn't that most men?
post #25 of 71
Thread Starter 
No- he really hasn't grown up. I went into this marriage a starry-eyed 18 year old expecting stability, security, love, respect. I believe he went into it thinking 'great, someone who will hold down the fort while I do what I want'. We've been at this exact point in the relationship three times now. We've split up temporarily three times. I don't see how anything will change- but its hard not to buy into when the person I want to love tells me everything can be ok again. I'm so weak when it comes to matters of the heart. I'll believe any line he throws at me just to think I have a shot at holding the family I've tried so hard to build ,together. I hate that I'm so weak. I always thought I was independant, but seeing what I'm reduced to right now has shown me differently.

I'm extremely lucky to have all of you to talk to, parents and friends who love and support me, as well as a boss who told me to take some time off to get things together and not worry about work obligations. I spent an hour today talking and crying to him in his office, and hes being nothing but sympathetic and caring. It could be a lot worse.

I AM trying to find a silver lining here, but I'm so afraid I'll fall for that charm again when he gets lonely and wants to 'make up'. Damn weakness.
post #26 of 71
The fact that you can acknowledge your weakness makes you stronger. Lean to your strength and know when you do, you will be happier. Not at first, but eventually you will. Good luck to you, the kids, and the cats.
post #27 of 71
Thread Starter 
Thank you
post #28 of 71
You're in my prayers...
post #29 of 71
Melissa, I don't have anything to add in the way of advice -- it's all been said. Just know that you are in my thoughts and prayers, stay strong, be good to yourself, and remember there are lots of shoulders around here whenever you need to unload. That's really great that your boss is being so understanding!
post #30 of 71
Oh I am so sorry you are having to go thru this.

It's ashame you cant afford your current place because he should be the one to move out because this is all him not you. I hope you are doing alittle better, and remember there are alot of people you can talk to. I am here too if you need me! Good luck!
check ur Pm's
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