Feeling so devastated

So, I can't stop crying and throwing up. Maybe posting about this will help to get it off my mind.  Our beloved cat Snuggles was 18 years old and failing.  She was super skinny, nothing but fur & bones.  Drinking lots of water and stopped using her litter box.  We put down pee pads & she sometimes would use those.  Stopped eating cat food & has been living on small amounts of meat baby food.  Started to meow randomly for no apparent reason so we thought she was hurting.  We were dreading taking her to the vets because she became so freaked out in her carrier & a car ride.  We were about to do that but then I saw in a local post for a lost and found animal group on FB that they knew of a retired vet that would come to your home.  We foolishly thought "Yay, answered prayer"   Got in touch with her and had to wait a week for her to come out.  As you know once you've made that decision, it's very hard to worry & anticipate the inevitable.  So Monday evening was the time.  The woman arrives in our house about 80 years old, could hardly make it out of her car, looking very discombobulated.  Said she had some stuff in her car that she needed help bringing in.  My husband went out and no joke, she spent 15 minutes searching her car.  I was going crazy inside with anxiety.  Then she came inside & poured the contents of her bag onto the kitchen table and spent another 15 minutes searching FOR HER KEYS TO HER MEDICATION LOCKBOX!!!  By then my poor kitty was wandering around wondering what was up.  I had closed the bedroom doors so she wouldn't hide.  Couldn't find her keys so my husband opened the box without breaking it.  Another ten min. was spent with her looking for the correct syringe & needles.  She was really struggling with filling the syringe because she COULDN'T SEE!  Honestly, it seemed like forever.  She said it was because the liquid was thick but actually she kept missing the place to insert the needle to draw off the med.  When she said she was ready, I picked up Snugs & held her.  She was really scared & I had to hold her tight.  She was wriggling & crying so much.  Then the "dr" injected her in her rear leg which was supposed to quickly relax her.  well, Snuggles proceeded to fight being held for another 10 min.  When she finally relaxed a little, the vet had me lay her down & hold her still.  And then (here is the really horrific part) comes at her with a 4 inch needle.  I thought, huh?  We have had other pets euthanized at the vets office & they always put an injection in their veins.  Very peaceful.  Not this.  That quack took that needle & inserted into Snuggles chest.  I said "OMG, what are you doing, are you putting that in her heart?"  And she said yes, that's how she does it.  We could not believe what was happening.  Snuggles might have been a little sleepy but NO, she was not asleep!  I'll spare everyone more details.  But it wasn't working & the dr. then gave her a second injection into her heart.  I was panicking, thinking I should stop this, take her to the emergency vet place or something.  Well, all in all I guess the torture lasted about 40 minutes.  I am not exaggerating, this woman said "These are her last breaths" five times.  It was sooo awful.

So, that was Monday night and I still can't get over it.  I feel so guilty and I failed my baby girl when she depended on me and needed me the most.  I should have asked this woman more questions on the phone.  I should have stopped it from even happening when I saw all the red flags showing me how incompetent she was.

This is triggering all kinds of anxiety for me.  Not that this is comparable in the least but a short background.  Four years ago my 19 year oldonly child Luke was tragically killed in a freak camping accident.  We spent 2 days in the ICU before taking him off life support so he could be an organ donor.  It has been such a struggle to deal with that loss.  I've been on antidepressants & seeing a counselor for 3 years.  For the last year I haven't been doing either and thought I was feeling pretty good.  The grief you will always have with you but you have to learn to live with it.  BUT NOW THIS!!!

For any that read this through to the end, I sincerely thank you.  I know it was a lot but I really needed to share this and get it out.  And if any of you pray, I could certainly use that as well.  I really appreciate it.

E!

This is hard I know, but Snuggles would not want you to be unhappy. She had 18 good years of life & was much loved. Try to focus on those years & not on her final day. So sorry for your loss.

Welcome To TCS. I am so sorry for your loss of Snuggles and for such an awful experience you have described. When our kitties reach the end of their days it so hard to keep a clear mind and make the best decisions. God knows you were trying to do the right thing. I hope peace finds you soon. Please report this so called vet to that group on FB and everywhere else you can think of. Get your story out there so Snuggles can help save other kitties and owners such an inexcusable act.

That is so horrible, sorry that you all had to go through that. There is nothing much that you can do about it now, try not to beat yourself up over it, I know it is easier said than done, and I'm sure what happened to your son is flashing back too and that is understandable. Sounds like this woman should not be allowed to work with animals if she is that bad, that is just awful.

Sorry you had to go through that, but I'm sure your kitty is doing fine now and would not want you to be so upset, you were a good mother to her and did your best and tried to spare her the stress of the carrier and car ride. It is tough, but you did your best with her in my mind, please take care and go easy on yourself.

God Bless, I pray time eases your pain....

Get this veterinarians name and report her to the state board. Did she have a current license ? I am so sorry for your loss which was carried out in a barbaric way. One of the best tools for healing is to do something and in this case it would be making sure no other animals suffered at her hands. 

She does have a license and I am going to look into filing a formal complaint with the state board of veterinary medicine.  This is Kentucky, so I doubt there will be much I can do.   I know it is too late to do anything about Snuggles but I am going to do my best to prevent another cat or owner having to experience this kind of emotional and physical torture. This woman is definitely too old to be practicing medicine.  Honestly, I don't think she should even be driving.  She acted that she had a lot of trouble seeing. Thank you for your reply.

Barb Riddering said:

 
She does have a license and I am going to look into filing a formal complaint with the state board of veterinary medicine.  This is Kentucky, so I doubt there will be much I can do.   I know it is too late to do anything about Snuggles but I am going to do my best to prevent another cat or owner having to experience this kind of emotional and physical torture. This woman is definitely too old to be practicing medicine.  Honestly, I don't think she should even be driving.  She acted that she had a lot of trouble seeing. Thank you for your reply.

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I live in New Mexico and was told not to expect anything to happen. While my bad vet didn't get the full throttle I think she should have she didn't skate on her negligence either. Don't give up hope and don't let anyone else discourage you. You may be able to file a complaint though your state's Attorney General Office also.

Oh no, what a traumatic experience!

Heartstick is used when a vein cannot be located or the cat's veins aren't able to support an injection. That's standard. But the cat should be fully anesthetized first! I would definitely report her, she shouldn't be praticing anymore if she can't do it right.

If anyone read all that I wrote, wouldn't you agree that this woman probably shouldn't still be practicing veterinary medicine?  She appeared to be upper 70's, maybe 80. She truly had a very difficult time with her vision and could barely walk. And losing her keys, 2 trips to her car to search, trouble finding the proper needle, filling the syringe etc.  Not even talking about the 2 intracardiac injections while Snuggle's wasn't unconscious.   I'm all for seniors staying active & everything but sometimes, esp. in regards to medicine, you need to hang it up.  When I looked at the AVMA Guidelines for the Euthanasia of Animals, they illustrated having the cat lay on its side & putting the needle thru the space between the ribs.  This "doc" had me put Snuggles on her back & inserted the needle between her ribs upwards.  I think she missed her heart & that is why she had to give a 2nd injection.

Barb Riddering said:

 
If anyone read all that I wrote, wouldn't you agree that this woman probably shouldn't still be practicing veterinary medicine?  She appeared to be upper 70's, maybe 80. She truly had a very difficult time with her vision and could barely walk. And losing her keys, 2 trips to her car to search, trouble finding the proper needle, filling the syringe etc.  Not even talking about the 2 intracardiac injections while Snuggle's wasn't unconscious.   I'm all for seniors staying active & everything but sometimes, esp. in regards to medicine, you need to hang it up.  When I looked at the AVMA Guidelines for the Euthanasia of Animals, they illustrated having the cat lay on its side & putting the needle thru the space between the ribs.  This "doc" had me put Snuggles on her back & inserted the needle between her ribs upwards.  I think she missed her heart & that is why she had to give a 2nd injection.

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I think she's lucky she walked out of your house on her own two feet.

And before you start blaming yourself you were doing what the majority of humans would do in a situation where you were already traumatized. Following the directions of someone you assumed had the authority to do things right.

I know from my personal journey that going after these miscreants is painful because you have to relive it each time you tell the events you and your husband and Snuggles went through. Looking back I have no regrets because I done something besides whine and make a FB page. I done that after the legal proceedings. No this woman should not be practicing. Your first call should be to the SVB to find out if she has any prior record with them. Most form are online. Despite al the warnings everyone at the SVB was kind and treated us with great respect. In some states a heart stick on a conscious animal may even be illegal If not it's something that needs to be changed.

OMG I am so sorry that your final images of Snuggles are so upsetting. She knows that you loved her and would never want you to suffer like you are. RIP sweet girl 

You did what you did out of love, you didn't bring her to the vet knowing how traumatized she would be. To die is not a pleasant experience no matter how it is done. Snuggles was not experiencing a life of quality anymore and was most likely in pain and misery. To have this happen is absolutely traumatizing to you and your family and is inexcusable. But no matter how or where it is performed it is not the calm, peaceful, procedure we expect and want. Even to die naturally is not easy and peaceful most of the time and is even more drawn out and painful. Her death was inevitable, it was not drawn out. and she did not suffer any more pain then was necessary for days,like could have happened. It is done now, and even though you would give anything to change those last few moments, it is now in the past and you must try not to dwell on the end but celebrate having that little girl in your life for 18 years.  You did not want her to suffer, you gave her 18 years of love and devotion and she knew that and it is all she ever wanted. She would NEVER want you to be so sad when remembering her, she loved you too much for that and would want you to go on and fill your life in sunshine, as you would want for her if something had happened to you. You will have to purposely put these bad thoughts from your mind and concentrate on the good she brought to your life, the love and happiness she brought to you and what she meant to you and your family.

I'm so very sorry for the loss of your son. Words fail me because the pain I know you are going through is unique to each individual and is something that shatters the spirit and breaks the heart into a million pieces.  But like you said you learn to live with and manage the grief and make a new life's order for yourself. Snuggles was a member of your family too, so you have a new round of grief and agony to work through now, my heart goes out to you, I will pray for you all. The bond you have formed with them both can never be taken from you, use it and your precious memories to find comfort. 

You have a big heart, although the agony seems unbearable now, time will help to soften the edges, and time is the only thing that helps. Please go out and do good things in both of their names. Help out at the local animal shelter, keep your mind occupied and your hands busy, and the good you do by giving some of your attention to those so desperate to receive it is a balm to a broken heart. Pay for the adoption of one who has been there so long, it helps them to find a forever home and the gratitude you feel when you see this in their eyes is priceless. It helps you feel better about yourself, and restores some of the goodness in a world that is filled with sorrow. I know you feel broken, it seems like the grief will never end. You have to make it happen, the healing, the steps to recovery. It is like many things in life, ONE DAY AT A TIME. You can't change the past, so don't beat yourself up over things you have no control over. The future is not here and it is what we make it. So just get through today, then tomorrow, and slowly the world will get right again. It will never be the same. but we can be happy and live once more if we try.  RIP dear Snuggles, you will always be held in a loving heart, and will never be forgotten. Please send comfort to the one who loves you so much, along with that from Luke, who has welcomed you to share his lap. May your stars shine brightly in the night sky and bring light and love to the one who misses you both so very much!

Thanks so much to those that posted.  I've never been on a forum before so this is new to me.  It is a great comfort to feel that others understand.  Reading over my initial post is kind of embarrassing.  The only reason I mentioned my son's death (NOT to get pity) was to express that, although completely different, the feelings of helplessness and loss triggered somewhat similar emotion.  Not even close to the same but similar. We knew losing Snugs would be sad.  It was the horrible manner in which she died that is so difficult to come to terms with.  Our remaining cat Joey (age 14) has been meowing a lot and appears to be searching for his "sister"  Trying to give him extra loving.  Does anyone have any other advice?

   

Everything will get better with time.

Like Primula said, it will take time but it will get better. It is just unfortunately part of life that these bad things happen to us and our kitties, and we have to try to deal with all of the heartaches and bad breaks fate may bring. Deb and I have lost cats to sudden heart attacks, one was paralyzed and we had her operated on, rehabbed her but she never walked again, one had a brain tumor, one stomach cancer and last November Sebastian died in my arms when I got home from work one night; you never know what life will throw at you, you just have to deal with it as it comes, and at times it feels like you yourself will die if you love them as much as we all do, but somehow, someway, we trudge on, pick up the pieces and keep moving on. I said it in many posts, when I feel low and like I'm going down I just pick up my boy Sylvester who looks like Simon and Sebastian put together and hug him and kiss his little head and say "I love you, we found each other....I helped you and you helped me", and I feel comforted.

The beginning is the worst, you never get used to it but you get somewhat better albeit slowly, just try to hang in there and understand that these things happen for a reason, we don't know why always but they do. I always think of a line from that great show "the Wonder years" where Kevin's math teacher said to him "every problem contains it's own solution", and this one does too. And when it is time, and you'll know when, and when you feel better, please get Joey a new brother or sister, he'll be happy and you will pour the love on another kitty in need.

God Bless, hang in there.....

http://icatcare.org/advice/problem-behaviour/feline-bereavement    This is a good read and there are many articles online about helping your cat and signs to watch out for.

Thank you so much for the link to the article on feline bereavement.  Joey is definitely experiencing the first stage.  Very helpful information.

I am so sorry