Advice please, grieving baby

On July 30th one of my babies lost his battle with a cold. We did everything we could for him but it just wasn't enough. We had to move suddenly (about a week total) but he was doing very well for the first week but then he started showing signs of having the flu (goopy eye, stuffed nose) he was born with it and his mom stopped nursing him at just 4 weeks but we took over his feeding schedule and he was the only one in his litter that survived. He was 2 years and 10 months old so I try to find comfort in that we had him for so long, he wanted for nothing in his life and was a very happy boy.

So that being said, his little sister (he even picked her out when she was born, he was 2 months old at the time) to be doing alright with the loss, we let her see him and sniff him so she understood that he had passed and she said her goodbyes. However in the last week she has started meowing if we leave the apartment and at night she will spend a good hour running around doing the same thing. Nothing else has changed, when we buy toys we always get 2 like we did when her brother was still with us. I am disabled and I do have what is required to take her with as a support animal, but she doesn't like it, we have started taking her on walks in her stroller (I know its odd but it makes us, her included, all more comfortable with her in the stroller) she is ok for the first block or two but then freaks out, we've been slowing increasing the distance but I need a in-between training idea for her when we go to appointments or shopping. Thank you all in advance.

Do you think she might be receptive to another boy kitten or adult around her age?  If not, she will just have to adjust to being an Only, and she was never an only cat before.  That is probably why she is feeling insecure.  As for stroller walks, animals have internal GPS and they know when they are getting too far from home, so I would suggest you do the stroller walking around your own block for awhile until she gets more used to it.  That way she can stay honed in on HOME and feel more secure.

I don't think she would accept another, she has always kind of had a "me and my brother only" kind of attitude, and I'm afraid it would be to soon and she would think we were replacing and not missing him. I know I am far from over the loss, I just try to keep it together and upbeat. I just hate the idea of her meowing so much when we have to go somewhere and don't want any neighbors to think she's being neglected because of it.
We have been keeping close to home when we go on our after dinner walks with her, she surprised me by being upset the other day when we took her across the street to the store so the owner could meet her (we walk out the door and the store is right there, but she's fine going around the block) didn't get to meet the owner before she started having a problem so it wasn't the new person part of it.

I agree with Red Top Rescue, usually the best way to deal with a loss, is to give the grieving cat something new to focus on. A young cat would likely be perfect, but the cat must be friendly and playful with other cats before trying to place him/her with the grieving cat.

As private rescuers, still new and learning, we have gone through a lot of loss as well, and the only thing that has helped the cats overcome their grief, is the love and play of other cats. It's hard, but it has been the most successful method of treating a grieving cat from our experience.

Sorry for your loss, we know how that feels, all to we'll unfortunately. Sincerely, the kittykeepers.

This may sound really odd to some people but I am going to mention it. Talk to your baby and explain that her brother is gone as if you were explaining things to a human. I did this years ago when one of my cats passed away unexpectedly at the vet. My other two cats were very bonded to her and were meowing a lot looking for her. Oddly enough after I explained to Claude and Tegato that Baby-T was gone and would not be coming home the searching stopped.

I also used this technique with a friend's cat when she got divorced. One of her two cats was very bonded to her ex-husband and was meowing looking for him. When she went out of town for a business trip I had a conversation with her cat about his human being gone. The searching behavior stopped in a few days.

Some cats can be distracted by play using interactive wind type toys to re-direct their attention.

Hugs to both you and your fur baby during this difficult time.

catlover73 I don't believe talking to her like she is human is crazy at all, we do that and have since she was born. Last night (or this morning after she kept me up until 5 am) I tried to tell her that her brother was sick and couldn't stay with us anymore but didn't want to leave us and he loved us especially her, and she laid down and went to sleep. I hope it was enough. Like I said it's been almost a month since he passed and this is a new development. She has tons of toy mice, balls with feathers, a few of those dangly on a stick toys but it is when we shut lights off for the night that she does this. Do you have an example of a good toy to get that might help? She is a very playful girl. Thank you [emoji]128522[/emoji]

Cerani said:

catlover73 I don't believe talking to her like she is human is crazy at all, we do that and have since she was born. Last night (or this morning after she kept me up until 5 am) I tried to tell her that her brother was sick and couldn't stay with us anymore but didn't want to leave us and he loved us especially her, and she laid down and went to sleep. I hope it was enough. Like I said it's been almost a month since he passed and this is a new development. She has tons of toy mice, balls with feathers, a few of those dangly on a stick toys but it is when we shut lights off for the night that she does this. Do you have an example of a good toy to get that might help? She is a very playful girl. Thank you [emoji]128522[/emoji]

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Now that I know this is more of an issue when you are trying to sleep. I am going to do a search on Amazon.com and will paste the links here for what I can come up with.


Here are some idea's I found. I am not sure if this is toys you already have. Hope this helps you.

We talk to our cats all the time, I guess we don't really thin about it, it's second nature. When I do think about it, I feel a little silly, but it isn't just for the cat, it's for us as well. I know some of my cats understand me, and some think I am crazy, both sets of cats are correct actually, how else do you end up with 30+ rescues in our home? Fortunately, when we have suffered a loss, the other cats instantly fill the void for any grieving cats, and we haven't had much trouble with that, our own grieving continues though.

We lost an entire litter last month, and it has been very hard on us, especially my wife. She worked so hard to raise the kittens that were abandoned in a box near the clinic we treat our cats at. 5 kittens in all, and they seemed to be doing so well. One morning, one was gone, two days later, another, then another, and another. It was so strange, and it happened so rapidly to each one. They would be fine, then suddenly as if by magic, all their weight would just fall off, they became lethargic and would not eat. Then they would just slowly waste away, and all we could do is keep them warm and watch them struggle to breathe. It was heart wrenching.

It is not the first time we had a litter go out like this, but hopefully the last. I keep reminding her that for all the ones that don't make it, there must be a reason, and that we have more than 40 successful rescues that reach adulthood, most are still living with us today.

Anyway, no method of coping from grief is crazy, and you go with what works. Talking, toys and kittens are all excellent ideas. Good luck, sincerely, the kittykeepers.

The way those kittens went sounds like panleukopenia to me.  If they were not vaccinated, its a good chance that's what took them.  It's almost impossible to save kittens once they are infected with it.  Yes, they seem fine one day and the next they are gone.

Do you know anyone who has a friendly cat or kitten that you might bring home for a visit to see how she reacts to it?  Sometimes it's amazing, they take to each other right away.  I had one kitten who ended up as an only when his adoption fell through.  I had planned on placing them all on the same day so nobody would be left alone, but his people canceled the night before.  He absolutely freaked out being alone.  He was a tamed feral kitten who had been the head of his litter, the protector, the big one, and suddenly he was a spooky scared thing.  (I'm sure it related to how the kittens were orphaned in the first place).  Nobody I knew in rescue had a solo kitten available so I actually went to Craig's list and found some kittens that were semi-tame, raised outside, occasionally came inside, but not terribly adoptable to normal folks.  I drove an hour to get them and they were about as feisty as he had been when I got him.  He LOVED them!!   Eventually two got adopted and I knew better than to leave him alone again so I held out until I found someone who wanted to adopt BOTH of them.  They were as close as if they had been littermates.

I also don't think she would think you were replacing him if you get another cat. It's important to remember that cats are not humans. They don't think or conceptualise the same way as people (not to say they aren't intelligent, they just think differently).
If you'd like another cat too, it wouldn't hurt to introduce them while they're young; it's typically easier for cats to form strong bonds when they're young. But if you're not ready for a new cat, i think the most important thing is to love her and show affection and spend time with her. She may not understand he's dead, but she definitely understands that he's gone. It will be easier for her if she still feels loved, and that you won't disappear too.

catlover73 said:

Now that I know this is more of an issue when you are trying to sleep. I am going to do a search on Amazon.com and will paste the links here for what I can come up with.


Here are some idea's I found. I am not sure if this is toys you already have. Hope this helps you.

Click to expand...

Thank you, I will look into getting something like those on payday for her.

We think the same, and since we have been doing rescues the entire time, we had a mix of cats that had vaccinations, and others that hadn't had theirs yet. The litter was far too young to have their vaccinations when they arrived. We used to get their vaccinations when they were ready to be spayed/neutered. That was not a good system, as whatever killed the kittens, nearly too a few adult cats too. We have spent thousands of dollars these last three months, having several cats treated at the hospital for days, some weeks. Hard lesson learned, and we also just had all 30+ cats vaccinated, twice, and added the rabies shots as well, even though it isn't prevalent here. It hurt our pockets, but will protect the cats, which is more important. There has been an outbreak of some virus the doctors are unable to identify, even vaccinated cats are getting sick, but they do seem to have better outcomes. The doctors think it is a new strain or mutation, since even protected cats are falling ill. We have been lucky, we have a good doctor and didn't lose a single adult/adolescent cat. Other people have seen their cats dying in big numbers all over Cebu. It appears to be a local outbreak, and the doctors have been inundated with sick cats. What is scary, most people can't afford to have their cats treated at a hospital, so I wonder how many have gone untreated and have subsequently died, if the hospitals have lost dozens, it must be much worse for the none hospitalized cats. Anyway, I don't want to hijack the post, so back to the grieving ones.

The idea of testing with a friends cat is good, but unless she can keep the cat for over a month, it probably won't work. Adding a new cat to the family takes time, sometimes months are needed for them to fully integrate into the home, and most cats that have been around other cats for their whole lives, have little problem with new ones. But, time is of the essence, if too much time passes, then a new addition might not be tolerated if the grieving cat becomes accustomed to being solitary.

I know that this may seem like we are pressuring of to place another cat, and to an extent, we are. But I motivation is treatment of the grieving, and distraction from the pain, especially if it is a young/adolescent kitten, nothing beats grief more than purposeful life itself. Find yourself a clumsy sweet kitten with vaccinations (at least 3 months old) and bring them home. Have a plan if this backfires, for another home for the kitten, just in case things don't go well, but I expect that this will quickly remedy the blues. We have never had a single cat rejected in our home, there have been a few close calls, but so far, all actively play and care for each other. Good luck, sincerely, the kittykeepers.

Last night went with no problems, so I may have been wrong about the reasoning behind her nightly meowing, it was a busy week with lots of dr appointments for me and trips to pickup medications so it was very out of the normal week.

Even when she was a kitten she didn't like any others apart from her brother. She is a unique personality for sure. I do appreciate and understand all behind the "get a new one" suggestions I just do not feel this is the solution for us, especially with it being a month (as of this morning) since his passing. If we have other ideas those are appreciated very much.

If I sound unappreciative I apologize, that is not the case I appreciate all of it and thank you all.