I think I killed my beloved kitty

My beautiful and deeply loved kitty, Sasha, passed on today. And I think it was my fault. And I hate myself for killing the one true love of my life. She and I had been together for nearly 22 years. I work from home so we spent every day together and our bond was so incredibly strong. She has been in kidney insufficiency for the past 8 years but with regular sub-q fluids it was very stable. On Monday I found her straining to poo and nothing came out. I gave her an extra small dose of fluids to help things along and all her favorite foods with pumpkin so she could poop. By Thursday she still had not pooped and was getting picky about eating, even refusing some of her favorites. But she still ate other things (fresh chicken livers from the neighboring farm, fresh rotisserie chicken, fresh organic salmon) when offered. She was drinking a lot and a bit lethargic but still mostly normal walking around the house and having a bath on the deck. Thursday at 2:30pm since there still was no poop I took her to the vet. They X-rayed her and found a good sized poop/hairball in her colon. It wasn't scary big so the vet decided to give her an enema to help her pass it. The vet also ran blood work which would be back the next morning. When she got home she was very wobbly and uncomfortable. On vet directions, I gave her another small dose of sub-q fluids. She tried repeatedly to lay down in four of her favorite spots but couldn't get comfortable. Finally she did lay down under our bathroom heat lamp and napped. I checked on her periodically and even encouraged her to walk around. But she was so wobbly she just wanted to lay down. Her position was a bit unusual as the day went on - she was flat on her stomach/chest with tail straight out behind her. Around 10pm my husband checked on her and she let him brush her chin and shoulders (she likes that), then stood up, turned around and laid back down. About 45 mins later I went to check on her and found her in the living room in severe distress. She was wide open mouth panting and drooling and gasping. Her back legs were not functioning. We rushed her off to the nearest pet ER which was 45 mins away. On the ride she moved a little but kept open mouth panting and drooling and was unable to keep her head up. Got her to the ER where they made us wait 20 mins to see the vet. He finally took her in the back and said she had a small cardiac moment so they put her in kitty ICU box with heat (her temp was down to 98) and oxygen and they were going to do tests. When tests came back 30 mins later they said she had low WBC and high pancreatic readings and a small heart. Vet suspected acute pancreatitis and septicemia. They gave her several meds to bring her BP up, fluids, antibiotics, and pain killers. By 3:00am she had become unresponsive (coma) and they had to intubate to keep her breathing steady. He advised we let her go so we cried hysterically and kissed her 1000 times and let the vet gently stop her heart. And mine too. At 10am I got a call from her nomal vet, the one who gave the enema, and told him what happened. He confirmed that the first blood work from 2:30pm showed no sign of pancreatitis or septicemia. So all I can think is the enema caused the whole thing by affecting the osmotic pressure and dropping her BP and sending her whole body into failure and killed her. And if I had just not taken her to the vet she would still be alive. She would have eventually pooped it out and would have been fine. And now it's all my fault that my sweet baby was just fine and I put her through painful torturous hell for no reason and killed her. She didn't want to go to the vet and didn't want the enema but I made her go. She'd be sitting on my lap purring now if I had not let the vet give her an enema. Now she's dead. How on earth do I live with myself having killed the one companion I loved more than my own life? How do I live with the guilt?

Don't blame yourself. You did your very best. It will be OK.

There's no way you could have known.  I would have taken my boys to the vet too under the same conditions.  She was 22 years old - a pretty old cat.  Maybe it was just her time.  I know it doesn't help with the pain.  When my mom was 9, my grandparents got her a puppy - a border collie that she named Tippy.  When I was 9 years old, he died.  Mom had him for 21 years.  The only time I've ever seen her cry harder was a little over a year ago when my grandpa died.  He was her baby.

You will hurt for a long time and you'll always miss her, but she will always be in your heart and she's waiting for you at the rainbow bridge.

I'm soooo sorry for your loss.  I went through a very similar experience with one of the sweetest dogs I ever owned.  She was 13 1/2 and was on supplements for coughing and arthritis, which she was doing well on, and easily had a few more years left, when suddenly one day, she couldn't get up from the sitting position and walk.  Worried it was something serious, I took her to the vet.  The vet felt like it was probably weather related (there was apparently a big weather front coming through as some in the office could feel it in their knees or other body parts that are affected by that sort of thing).  I wasn't sure, but didn't want my poor Sadie to be in any pain as she was the sweetest dog ever and the one to always be nice to every single new rescue that came along and there were many.  The vet prescribed a drug called 'Previcox', did a laser therapy treatment and sent us home, telling me to give her an antacid with the Previcox because "it can cause tummy troubles".  Not being a big fan of pharmaceuticals in the first place, I used it sparingly over the next few days, just so Sadie could get up from sitting or laying position.  I intended to discontinue using it as soon as possible.

A couple of days into the administration of the Previcox, Sadie refused her night time food and supplement dosage.  This dog never refused food of any kind ever, so I immediately was concerned.  I ended up calling the vet a couple of times and she was either out of the office or her assistant told me to just keep an eye on Sadie.  This as I watched Sadie slowly get worse with the nasty side effects that I won't go into here.  I finally did a Google search and was HORRIFIED to find all the perfectly healthy dogs that drug had killed after just a couple of doses.  The human version, Vioxx, had actually been taken off the market due to the deadly side effects.  Longer story short, I finally insisted Sadie be seen by the vet, but by then it was too late and her liver was ruined.  She died alone at the vet hospital and even though I'd e-mailed information on how lethal this drug could be to her, my vet just said she had patients that had done very well on it and that Sadie WAS 13 1/2 years old.  I haven't been back since and I will hate myself for the rest of my life for not taking action sooner instead of waiting those possibly critical first couple of days when I knew something was wrong, but blindly trusted and followed my vet and that assistant.  Sadie died a slow and painful death and to this day, I feel 100% responsible and guilty for it.  So I know EXACTLY how you feel.  The only thing I can tell you is that time will soften the guilt, but it is a very hard lessoned learned about realizing vets are only human and sometimes wrong.  From that day on, I have vowed that I will definitely listen to my heart and gut when it comes to my animals because nobody knows them better than me.

Again, so sorry for your loss. 

I'm very sorry for your loss. Twenty-two is a very ripe old age for a cat and her eventual loss was inevitable. There's no way of telling whether your taking her to the vet's office hastened her death or it was simply her time to go, so please don't beat yourself about trying to get her some relief. She felt your love.

Your sweet Sasha died after twenty two years of love and care from her loving family. You can't know that what you did out of love and concern was the cause of her death. She may have had an underlying condition that had a part in it, or at her advanced age it was something that could have been prevented in any way. She was suffering from a blocked colon, you did what you and your vet thought was the thing to do.  Doing nothing  would have possibly led to more suffering. We humans for the most part, will not accept that our babies have left us, and because we are hurting so much, find guilt in every action we took. We remember everything we did that may have caused pain, and every action we omitted that we should have performed.  It is too traumatizing for our minds and souls to accept so we seek to punish ourselves for every step we took. This is called grief. You are so traumatized by what has happened you are blaming yourself for her death, rather then to accept the fact that she is gone from your life.I know, because I have been there. I can tell you from experience there is absolutely no good that comes from all these should haves, could haves. It brings nothing but heartache to try to change something from the past. The past is irreversible and we are left to pick up the pieces of our shattered souls and to move on. Sasha will NEVER be gone from your life, the bond you have forged after twenty two years is so strong she will be connected to you for the rest of your life.  You did what you did out of love, she knows that and would be the last one to want you to be so sad . She loves you too much to want you to blame yourself fro her leaving, she wants you to be happy and to love again as you would want for her if the situation was reversed. Her physical body may be laid to rest, but like love, the 'essence' that made her Sasha will surround you until the end of your life. It is like love, not a physical thing you can touch and hold, but rather spiritual, you feel her in your heart.

 You must keep all those dark thoughts out of your mind. The best way I have found is to keep busy doing good things in her name.Donate food and toys to a shelter, pay for the spaying of a young cat or the adoption of an elderly cat that has little chance of adoption and needs someone to care so very much. Donate your time with the kittens at your local shelter who so very much need someone to interact with, it  helps to keep your mind from dwelling on something you cannot change, and in this way you bring honor and remembrance to that special kitty that shared your life for so long.

Please don't beat yourself up over something you did out of love. She would never want that. Celebrate the many years you did get to share and what she brought into your life, the love and happiness and caring. Let the many memories you have bring you comfort.  Of course you are going to miss her, she was a big part of your life for a long time, I would only wish that we all could have as long with our little ones as you got to share with her. It shows what a good caregiver you were and you should be proud of the years you got. She was meant to be your soulmate, and knowing her and sharing your life with her was meant to be. I know it is so heartbreaking to go through this horrible grief, but we have to when they share our lives, or we would have never known them at all, and that would have been far more tragic.

Cry when you need to, let the pain out. Share your grief with those who understand, it helps to lessen the burden. I'll pray for you both, know we will be here for you if you need us. .........RIP sweet Sasha, the heart of the one who loves you so much is a darker place with your passing. Please let your love shine down upon those who miss you so very much on the pure light that pours from your new star in the heavens above. Goodnight sweet Princess!    

She lived to be 22! That's amazing for a cat. 

You did everything you could for her. You took her to the vet because she was uncomfortable and she couldn't poop, just the way any other loving cat owner would have. I know you feel terrible now and that you are missing her, but there is no way that you are responsible for her passing.

Please don't feel bad about this. She knew that you loved her and did the best you could.

I am very sorry your beautiful Sasha has left you.  I lost my boy in June and I can tell you as others have expressed it really does no good to beat yourself up wondering if you did the right thing.  Although, to be honest, that's easier said than done.  

Sasha lived a long life with someone who without a doubt, loved her unconditionally and I know she knew that with all her heart.  I'm always amazed and inspired when hearing stories of the forever bonds shared with our loved furry friends.

I truly feel your pain and I hope you find the strength within to forgive yourself of any guilt you feel.  

Thoughts & Prayers for you.

I am so sorry,  

Oh, no!     You didn't harm Sasha. You did the very best you could.  It's obvious from your post how well you took care of her.  Any cat would be fortunate and blessed to have you.  Please, please do not blame yourself.  

First let me say that not only am I sorry to hear this, but also she was a really beautiful girl, so statuesque.....and what you are feeling is the grief and anxiety that comes along with losing a beloved pet, ESPECIALLY one that was a huge part of your life for 22 years, that is amazing, but even after all that time you still don't want to say solong but we have to. You did nothing wrong, you did what probably everyone on here would have done, the blaming yourself is a distorted emotion due to the stress and grief. It sounds like it was just a coincedence, it probably was her time to leave for the next life regardless of what you did.

When I took Sebastian to the vets in November, he was severely constipated, and although the blood tests showed nothing terribly wrong the one vet said that "we can treat the constipation, but it is a symptom that something else is going on somewhere; he is drawing water to somewhere else", and while no vet found anything majorly wrong he passed in a short time after that, so it sounds to me like something like this was going on with your beloved cat, and remember, cats are masters at hiding illness, it is usually too late when we realize that something is wrong, but we take care of them the best that we can, make the right decision for the time knowing with the information we have, and love them until their Earthly life comes to an end and then we love them even more, until we meet them again in the next life at the bridge.

PLEASE understand that it is just the stress and the grief and the loss that is making you think this way, I know, it overtakes you and it controls you despite your best efforts to control it, but with time and grieving and LOTS of crying (and that is coming from a 220 lb. man!) your heart DOES start to heal, you start to think clearer, you realize that you did all that you could, and despite our best efforts we lose them, a LOT sooner than we want to, but when it is their time they must go.

It's like the old story goes.....if 22 years ago, someone came up to you with her and said "we'll give you this cat to love and take care of, and you will do that for 22 years but then she must move on, is it a deal?"......

You bet it is!

Rest in peace Sasha, you gorgeous girl, and I hope that your heart slowly heals....you did nothing wrong, you did TONS right!!!!

I can't even begin to tell you how sorry I am for your loss. Sasha was stunning. May she RIP 

Please don't do this to yourself. She was almost 22 years old. That is a very long life for a cat. She had a very long life full of love and friendship. Please re-read your post and look at all the things you did to try to help her. You did everything right. It was just her time. It doesn't matter how long we have with them, it's never long enough. 

Imagine she was sitting beside you right now and was able to speak to you. Tell me, HONESTLY- what do you think she'd say? Would she want to talk about her final hours and what did and didn't happen or would she want to thank you for the wonderful life you gave her? For the unconditional love you gave her? For all the treats, snuggles and kisses you gave her? For making sure she was always happy and well cared for?

She'd remind you of all the silly things she did that made you laugh. She'd tell you that she will love you forever and that she made it over the bridge in the blink of an eye and she is now whole, healthy and strong again. She'd let you know that she is being cared for very lovingly and she will watch over you in the same way. She'd tell you that when the time is right, you will meet again and your friendship will resume again exactly the same way it was before. 

She does not blame you for her passing. It was not your fault. It was no one's fault. It was her time to go. 

What a wonderful world we'd have if every cat were able to experience the life that your sweet Sasha did. You are an excellent cat parent. Please be kind to yourself now. That's what she would want. 

22? Goodness, on one hand you should be very thankful you got to spend that many years with her. I spent 17 with my girl & it just wasn't long enough, not a day goes by that I don't think about her. 2nd, you did what any responsible cat parent would do, you took her to the professionals. I don't think a lot of people sit around waiting when an animal is having an issue. You learned from this cat & will be able to utilize that knowledge the rest of your life.

I know you're bummed, I'm bummed out hearing this. It's always sad to lose a part of you.

4 years ago we were in severe financial distress, and in the process of moving to a new town.  One of our cats started oozing pus from her vaginal area and we immediately ran her to the vet.  She had Pyometra, a uteran infection contracted by cats that aren't spayed.  We couldn't afford the enormous bill that it would cost for surgery, overnight stays, medication etc that it would cost.  Especially when the vet mentioned that even that might not be enough.  We had to make the heart wrenching decision to put her down.

I still think of the "if only's" to this day but remember the 10 years I had her and smile.

Think of the good times you had with Sasha and she'll always be with you.

You did what anyone would do for a cat with the array of concerns you talked about. The first thing you do when a cat hasn't been able to go, is to give them things that can move things along. No one would think that an enema would be more negative than positive. Her advanced age was testament to your excellent care and love. It sounds like you did the responsible thing. I've had cats for decades and more than once had to have one cat get an enema. I had no idea that the low BP was a possible effect.

With a presence in your life that long--like a kid post college really--the loss has to be deep. She was there for so long. Of course you want her life to continue and no one wants it to be a bad end and certainly not for what seemed like a routine procedure. You didn't kill her.

Ohhh dear. I'm so sorry.

But you did give her 22 years of happy life, and that was wonderful. You didn't do anything wrong at all; you did all you could and that's the best.

These wise folks have given you some great advice, and so I can't improve on that. But mourn as you will, and in your own time, revisit their posts.

I send you my deepest sympathy and many hugs. 

SashasMom said:

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• sashasmom
• Aug 26, 2016

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I am very sorry for your loss.  You did not do anything wrong here.  Your actions did not cause Sasha's death.  The guilt and the what-if's going through your head are a normal part of the grieving process.  You gave your baby a wonderful life for 22 years.  You rushed her to the vet because you cared about her and wanted to make her better. I lost a cat years ago to a blockage.  My cat too passed away at the vet.  The vet thought they were going to be able to break up the blockage.  My baby had to be hospitalized for this blockage.  She passed away during treatment when her heart stopped. My biggest regret in all of this was that I never got to say goodbye even though I had visited her the night before.  I beat myself up with the guilt and blame for a long time because I felt I should have noticed something was wrong sooner.  It took a lot of time and support from my friends and people on here to get myself to accept that my actions did not kill my baby.   What you have been through here still hits me hard and I was crying with you when I read your post.  I know personally that this is easier said than done but please stop blaming yourself.  You did not do anything wrong and have nothing to feel guilty about.  Your baby know you love her and that love is still with her at the rainbow bridge.  Our baby's take a piece of our heart with them when they leave and that love helps light their way to the rainbow bridge.  Grieving is a process and you will feel a whole bunch of emotions as you move through the process.  I wish my words could take away your guilt but I know only time can do that.  I wish I could tell you how long it takes to work through this guilt but I can't because it is different for each person. I wish I could reach out through the computer and give you a hug in person.  I just want you to know that you have people here that care about you and you are not alone. Please come here for support or to vent as much as you need to .  Hugs and love to you during this very difficult time.

i am so sorry for your loss and I hope that you find some peace knowing she is not suffering anymore and that she loved you . She lived a very long life and this is what you need to focus on right now . Look back on all the wonderful times you had with your baby. Prayers for you during this difficult time .

oh my gosh, how on earth could you possibly blame yourself? i second what Les26 said - i definitely think your grief is distorting your ability to process everything clearly. you did exactly what you should have done for your baby. i've grown up with cats all my life and back when i lived with my folks, if one of our cats so much as sneezed funny i was storming through the house, demanding to know why we even HAD pets if we couldn't afford to take them to the vet for a checkup when they showed signs of illness. you are a great pet owner, and a wonderful cat mom. i don't think she would blame you for a second, and even though i know how much it hurts to lose a beloved pet, you certainly got her for a lot longer than most folks get to hold onto their babies, and i hope that you can find some comfort in that thought. she lived a great deal longer than most folks would have expected her to. that alone is testament to your excellent skills as a caregiver and shows she wanted to hold on and spend as much time with you as she possibly could before she finally let go. and who knows - maybe what happened was going to happen anyway. maybe something even worse would have happened to her if you hadn't taken her in. we cannot predict the future and you did the best that you could given the options that were available to you, and you undoubtedly did much more for her than the average pet owner would have done for their pet, no doubt. i wouldn't even blame the vet either - i think they likely did what they thought was best for her based on their experience and sometimes in life things don't happen the way they're "supposed" to because everyone and every animal is unique and responds to treatment differently. you have nothing to feel guilty about. Sasha was beautiful and so so blessed to have had you in her life. our little ones have to move on, it's just the way of things. I hope you find some peace soon, perhaps it would help for you to honor her memory by using it as motivation to do good in some other way. I am sure Sasha would not want to see you in so much pain. you will get through this and maybe one day even be able to allow yourself to give the gift of your companionship to another little one in the future. you, and whomever you may choose to adopt when the time comes, CERTAINLY deserve it.