My mom has cancer...

MoochNNoodles

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 I don't think I can say it any better than Margret already has.  

Grief is complex.  Its not the same for everyone or for each person you grieve.  I cried a lot at my Grandfather's funeral but not since; we weren't especially close.  My other Grandma and I were very close. I didn't make it to her funeral and I didn't really cry. I slept a lot and kept to myself for the first week.  Grief does have it's waves and sometimes they come when you don't expect it.  I've had to text my BFF (who has really had her share of grief) in the middle of the grocery store because I couldn't stop the tears once.  She just reassured me that's how it is.  And I try to remind myself that the grief is deep because the love was deep.  I have a good cry now and then when the emotion strikes but I also use that time to remember the love, the memories and lessons.  

Be gentle with yourself.  Don't be afraid to let other people help you through it.  
 

margd

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My heart goes out to you, dear @terestrife  .   There is so much happening at once and all of it happening at the same time as you grieve your mother.   You must feel so overwhelmed.  I like Margret's approach above of breaking it down and trying to address each aspect of what's going on separately.  Making sense of everything will help you get a handle on it.   Meanwhile, I think it's important to acknowledge that you are moving forward, even through the darkness and pain of deep loss and worry for the future.  Getting the driver's license is huge, as is the fact that you've managed to keep your commitments to your volunteer work.  You're moving forward and that's really important to recognize about yourself.  Give yourself a little credit.  You deserve to feel positive about yourself for those changes.  

A good therapist would really help you gather more strength.  Just having a place where you can vent could be invaluable.  I know money is a problem but there might be resources available to you that you'd never suspect.  You might consider calling 211 and explaining the situation to them - they might be able to fix you up with low to no cost therapy.  I just think this could be both an enormous help and a great comfort at the same time.  In case you don't know about 211, it's a nationwide service that provides information on human services available in your area.  Check out this page:  http://www.211us.org/faq.htm#whatis to see some of what it does.

 

Winchester

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I just wanted you to know that I'm very sorry for the loss of your mom. Marget has said everything so well. 

I can also offer you a 
. I am very sorry.
 
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foxxycat

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I am so very  sorry for your loss. I can relate to many of your emotions. I am still dealing with the aftermath of grief and it's been 8 years going on 9 years since my mom died from cancer. And we couldnt' treat it. too aggressive and she refused treatments.

I can relate to your empty inside feeling. I often feel the same. But I try to remember that she wouldn't want me to hurt so much. We both cried so much in her last week on earth. She spent 10 days in hospice and they were a godsend. I was with her up until 2 hours of her passing. She refused to die until I left. I got the call an hour after I came home. The emotions were intense and I felt angry because I should have stayed. But  I was scared. I didn't want to watch her suffer but they took good care of her.

The days and weeks after I felt numb and didn't really feel like myself. I felt untethered, someone who always was my best buddy. someone even when I was in a bad mood always gave me hugs and told me she loved me. I knew she loved me and I loved her. When she died I felt a part of my soul went up into the sky with her. I still feel that way.

I too made small goals of things to accomplish. These goals helped to distract me from the grief but at home I let myself cry and write about my feelings. I have a hard time playing poker face in the real world so it was really hard for me to smile and pretend everything is ok. But most people who work with me see right through me so it's not too hard for me to unwind at work. I try hard to not unload on people but sometimes I can't help it. Start finding a few folks who want to hear you and let you unload. Otherwise it festers and turns us into sad angry people.

Luckily my cat Honeybee comes running and snuggles when I cry but I don't like to cry. I haven't had a good cry in awhile but last night was just my time to have a good cry. I am a bit tired today but I know crying is healthy and I know my cats need me. So I have to figure out how to stick it out and keep going. Having coworkers who are honest and helpful really help me. I don't have many close friends but I find it's helpful to talk to a few people I have gotten to know pretty well online. They are my lifeline and I wouldn't know what to do without them.

I look at that as a penpal relationship. And even though I never met them their words help sooth my soul and remind me of my mom who used to help others who would confide in her when she used to work. She loved going to work to not just make money but to connect with other people. Share a joke. Smile. Talk about our frustrations. Just help each other know that someone cares and it really helps.

I hope you keep coming back and talking about your feelings and emotions. If nothing else you can look back down the road to see how far you have come. And to know that there is always someone there to listen.

Sending you hugs and hope you have a restful sleep after working through some of the deep emotions that can sometimes knock us on our butts.
 

Mamanyt1953

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Oh, Darlin, I am so sorry that you are having such a rough time.  There is a light at the end of the tunnel, but you won't be able to see it until you are ready, and that takes as long as it takes.  Margret did a wonderful job of breaking things down into bite-sized pieces.  She's so totally right about all of it.  I will say this...while  you are grieving, don't bother looking for that light.  It's there, but you are wearing a filter that makes it invisible.  IT IS THERE, though.  Know it even if you can't see it.

Look, I'm up till all hours of the night,, 3-4 AM most nights.  I also lost my mother to cancer.  If you want to, PM me and I'll send you my phone number.  I can be there in the Deep Darks.
 
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artiemom

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Oh, I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your mom.. It is such a hard thing to deal with. I know, I have lost both my parents... my dad, 5 years ago and my mom 22 years ago.. I am an only child, so I did not have any siblings to help deal with things. You are so fortunate to have a loving brother and sister.. You are blessed.. believe that...

Grief can be overbearing. I hear you, I understand.. I really do.. you feel guilty for laughing at something, or someone.. you miss you mom deeply.. you want to talk to her, to give her a kiss, to hear her voice, to hug her.. I know.. I have been there. I was much closer to my dad, but I understand completely..

It takes a long time to become stronger with your grief.. yes, it is grief ~~ yes,  I do mean stronger.. Stronger in the sene you can deal with it better. You will never completely get over the loss but it does get different.. 

It does.. 

I still have my moments of crying and missing my dad.. that is natural.. but it is lessening. It does not mean I care less for him, but that I am handling things better. That is what my dad would want.. and what your Mom would want also..

But please think about the good times.. try to remember those, instead of the bad times.. remember laughing with your mom, or when she aggravated you!! these thoughts are good for a smile...eventually, you will focus and remember the good things..

Your mom would want you to try to find something, somethings, to do.. something which will help ease your pain. She would not want you to suffer.. 

Also, try to keep yourself busy.. do not sit around.. that is the worst thing for grief.. it can so easily lead into a depression.. 

and that is really hard to get out of.. Grief when it turns into depression is something which is impossible to deal with, on your own..

Can you try volunteer? at a shelter? at a elderly complex? reading to school age kids.. going into a hospital nursery to help the tiny babies get some extra loving?? could you even volunteer at a church? at a homeless shelter?

I know the best ways of dealing with grief and suffering is doing something good for someone.. pretty soon, you will be smiling..

Having been there, I say this with love: Please find someone, a professional who can help you deal with this.. 

Can you contact your personal doctor and ask for a referral to someone.. a lot of hospice agencies have grief counselors..

please do not be ashamed to admit you need help..

That is the biggest step to take ~~ admitting we need help.. once you overcome that, the world is yours.. you can accomplish so much..

I am wishing you the best of luck with this.. we are always here for you..

((hugs))
 

Margret

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Okay, I wasn't able to get to it last night after all, but let's get on to numbers two and three, self image and fear for the future.

It's always dangerous to have your self image tied up in another person.  Things happen to other people (and to us, of course) and when your entire self image is tied up in just one person, then the loss of that person means a much greater loss than it would otherwise have been.  I've been there.  One of the reasons Sweet Thing's death hit me so hard was that most of my self image was tied up in her, and I didn't even realize it.  (Sweet Thing was my soul kitty.)  Sweets came to me at a time when we were living in my parents' basement.  I was baby sitting to make enough money to occasionally be able to help put food on the table.  My husband had said that he didn't think either of us really counted as adults (I found out later that his definition of "adult" included owning a station wagon with fake wood panels on the side
, which pretty well dates us!).  My parents loved me.  My husband loved me.  I was doing everything in my power to be a responsible person.  But I felt like a little girl.  Sweet Thing, on the other hand, was absolutely convinced that I could do anything.  She was the one person in my life, including me, who thought I was a responsible adult.  By the time she died we were in our own home and had managed to pay the mortgage off entirely, I had had (and lost, through no fault of my own) a good job which paid the mortgage on our first house and got health insurance for both of us, we were clearly adults, getting on with our lives, doing adult things.  And Sweet Thing still thought I was perfect, that I could fix anything.  And she was wrong.  I couldn't fix chronic renal failure in my cat.  The best I could do was to help her cross the rainbow bridge, and I knew (and still know) that that wasn't what she was asking me for when she told me she hurt and asked me to fix it.  So, when I lost her, I lost something more than my soul cat.  I lost my self image, and I didn't even realize it for over ten years.

You have an advantage that I didn't have -- you know right now that your self image has been tied up in your mother, and that you need to do something about this.

As part of your grief process, I think it might be a good idea to start some lists.  The first one should be all the things your mother saw in you and loved about you.  And the second one should be things you see and love in yourself.  And the third one should be things that other people see and love in you.  We'll all help with the third one.  Then I think you should start comparing lists.  I bet you'll find a lot of overlap between the first list and the third, and I think that as soon as you start thinking more clearly you'll begin adding things from the first and third list to the second one.

Now comes number three, fear for the future.  We all have this to a certain extent.  Your problem here is that you've been doing things like helping to raise your brother's daughter rather than making a separate life for yourself (and helping to raise your brother's daughter is right at the top of the list of things we like about you).  But you've already taken a major step toward independence by getting your driver's license (and I'm seriously impressed that you managed to do that so soon after your mother's death -- that's going on the list, too).  I think perhaps you're feeling a bit more urgency here than is necessary.  You obviously belong to a close knit family; your brother and sister will continue to help out as you begin to get your feet under yourself financially.  You're going to need a plan, and right now you aren't thinking clearly enough to make one.  I wonder whether the 211 people @Margd mentioned could help you out with that?

Margret
 
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artiemom

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Also, I forgot to add something that has helped me a lot. I still do this when I am really upset. 

Have you tried journalling?  Just grab a notebook, any kind and write, write, write... write until you cannot write any more.., all your feelings, thoughts, misgivings, apprehensions, anything that comes into your mind..

Even if the pages are tear stained.. just keep writing..

This has helped me so much. There is just something about putting things down on paper, which makes it seem better...

((hugs))
 

AbbysMom

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:hugs: I'm sorry about your mother. I had a tougher time a few months after he died as opposed to when he did die. All of the things that needed to be done were done and there was nothing left to do.

Good for you, getting your license and volunteering, whether you wanted to or not. Some days you just have to do the best you can and keep putting one foot in front of the other.

Are there any support groups in your area for people that have lost parents? You may want to look into that. Being surrounded by people that understand would help a lot. :hugs:
 

doomsdave

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It's been a while since my father died of cancer back in March of 2014. Still hurts, but living with it.

You can, too.

Let us all know how you do.
 
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terestrife

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Thank you everyone, i have read everyones post more than once. But i admit it breaks me down into tears as i read through the responses. I wanted to respond to everyone, but i've been feelings really down this week. im sorry for not responding to everyone, but i wanted you all to know that your responses mean the world to me. the support and kindness i have seen here, touch my heart.

a few people mentioned finding support locally, but i am a very shy person. i struggle with speaking my mind in person, i dont think i could tell a stranger face to face everything i am feeling.

i find it easier to express what im feeling when im on my own. i mostly journal what im feeling, or spend an hour talking to my sister everyday. 

Anyway, thank you all again. 
 

doomsdave

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You're so very, very welcome!

Like any other burden, pain is easier to bear when shared.
 
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verna davies

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Keep posting here as often as you need,write or do whatever you feel you need to but don't bottle it up. On the topic of talking to someone, there are people who are trained in this kind of thing. They don't force you to talk but put you at your ease so that you want to talk to them. If you don't feel comfortable when you are there, you can leave but it might be worth a try. Don't dismiss it yet. Give it a little thought but in the meantime, the people on this site are here for you.
 

blueyedgirl5946

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I too, lost my mother to cancer. It has been thirty one years and I miss her every day. It is a major life change and time goes on. Just sending you hugs and wishes for peace in your heart. Cry and reach out to others. It will help you.
 

Mamanyt1953

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We're here, and we are listening.  And the offer of the phone number for the Deep Darks, those late-night hours that just drag by, is open.  
 

margd

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Just letting you know that I am thinking of you and hoping that happier days are coming your way.  
 

lenna36

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I've been going through a similar circumstance myself.  Although it's my dad who has stage four.  He's still fighting it.  It's so encouraging to find so many kind people here.  You all are so supportive.  I want to thank you as well for the support you're giving terestrife and (unknowingly) to a lurker like me.

Thanks.
 

Margret

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I've been going through a similar circumstance myself.  Although it's my dad who has stage four.  He's still fighting it.  It's so encouraging to find so many kind people here.  You all are so supportive.  I want to thank you as well for the support you're giving terestrife and (unknowingly) to a lurker like me.

Thanks.
Welcome to TCS, @Lenna36.  We're very happy to have you here, and hope you'll be a member of this community for a very long time.

You may want to start a thread dedicated to your father, the way @terestrife did for her mother.  And we'll be here for you, through the whole thing.  Many of us have lost loved ones to cancer, so we have a clue what you're going through, and are happy to give you any helpful hints we have picked up along the way.

 


Margret
 
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