Trying to get adopted cat to be a lap cat

So long story short I got this really sweet 1 year old domestic short hair cat from a random family. He's really sweet and I've had him for about three months. He spent the first month hiding under my bed for the most part but now he does come out a lot and likes chilling on his cat bed which is perched up on a window. He does spend some time under the bed still such as he likes hiding/ sleeping there. Anyways he lets me pet him all over (even the stomach when he feels like it), play with him etc. but something I'm still having trouble with is getting him comfortable with sitting by me. I've been reading and hearing a lot of different advice and don't really know which one is the right one. For example there are some people who say I just need to wait for him to come to me but there are others that say if I do that it would take years. Anyways I also saw this video but this really confused me. Is what this vet saying correct?? Would forcing him to stay on my lap help? I'll include a link down below. 


Thank you guys so much in advance! 

Please know what advice I share is based on my own experiences and what I've learned throughout my life is our feline friends will do what they want & when.  They can't be forced, however they can be trained with much patience on your part.

If your little one is 1 year and was with a family then after a year they gave him up, then spent the first month under your bed, the poor little fellow is probably deciding if his new environment is trustworthy.

He needs to feel safe.  Have you established an area for him only?

I recommend a plain old box, not a big box, one he can cuddle in, just lay it on its side. you can get a clean box at your local food market, free & easy.  Put a towel or blanket inside rolled up like a pillow, and toys around.  You can place the box in an area near where you hang out, so he gets used to you being near, yet has a safe place.

Play is key.  This not only is great exercise for the cat, but it will establish trust and a strong bond will form between you.  Not to mention it's loads of fun.  Get a bird on a string toy, laser light for cats and some balls or mice to toss about.

I find when you keep the cat interested in playtime, they will come around looking for you to play.  This is also important in the event that you work or are out of the house, they can entertain themselves.

With all this said, some kitties are natural lap cats, others come around as they get older and trust their human companions, some will just sit close, and others will just observe from a distance.

My boy Simon who I bottle fed liked to be near but never sat on our laps, he only jumped up when he needed something.  My girl Chestnut who we adopted after begin being rehomed after 5 years, we were told was a lap cat, but really just likes to sit and sleep against us.

Strangely though, my boy, loved when I held him and my girl hates being held.

Cats are cats, for the most part, they dictate to us what they want when they want.

What is your little fellow's name?  I hope you post some pictures of him.

Best of luck to you.  Please keep me posted on progress.

After poking around, I see that you already have a cat condo for your little one.

Another trick I used is during grooming, start massaging your cat, and if he likes that perhaps he'll slowly make it onto your lap.

Sorry I wasn't more help.

You can try enticing him to your lap with treats like chunks of lightly sauteed or roasted rotisserie chicken.  If they want a nibble they have to come to the lap.  Having said this, I have never been able to force a cat to sit on my lap.  I really wanted Billy to snuggle on my lap but he would only sit by my side.  When I tried to place him on my lap he'd jump down immediately.  One day I put a throw pillow on my lap without thinking and he immediately jumped on that.  From then on he would only sit on throw pillows on my lap.  I have had dozens of cats in my life and only a handful have been bonafide lap cats.  Others that are lap cats want nothing to do with my lap but will happily sit on hubby's lap.   Accept him as he is and enjoy his independence but in time he will grow more comfortable - it may take a year or two, but one day he may surprise you and just jump up for a snuggle session!

Normally I would say that trying to use force to get a cat to show affection the way you want it to is NEVER going to work. That being said, years ago my girlfriend (who had never been around cats) decided she would make our new stray kitten into a lap cat. He wasn't unfriendly, he just only wanted to be petted when he was "in the mood". He wouldn't get on your lap at all. She began holding him on her lap and petting him despite his struggles to get down. I told her she didn't understand cats, he will resent you forever. Boy was I wrong! He became a complete mama's boy. ALWAYS on her lap and ready for cuddles. I can't believe her approach worked, but with this particular cat it did. I think it may have something to do with a cat's personality. Our cat Buster has always been confident, brave, and self-assured so maybe being held against his will wasn't scary, maybe he thought it was a game "how do I need to wiggle to get down this time?"

I would imagine that if you had a shy, skittish, or nervous cat the whole experience could be frightening and traumatic.

Whatever approach you take, please keep in mind the comfort level and happiness of the cat is the most important thing. Our little Sunshine has never been a lap cat but occasionally she will surprise us by curling up in our lap. What a gift! It makes me feel so special because it's rare.

Good Luck!

Im not sure this works. Ive had my savannah for a year and a half and he came to use very scared and unsocialized. He took 6 months to warm up to letting us barely touch him. Try and pick him up and he would flip completely. He still wont sit next to us or on us or anything. Ive tried all of this and nothing has worked. So I think its never going to work, but I still do try but gets me nowhere

Thank you guys so much for your response!! Some more about Calvin. So he actually rarely uses his cat tree. I put it in the hall so he can get more use to the house but really all he ever does is eat there. He does have a nice quiet space which is my room. But for the past month he comes in and out of my room but spends the most of his time here. But I always leave the door open so he can enter and leave as he likes. If I ever **** the door he'll start paying at it for me to open it. It doesn't matter what side he's on. Anyways he loves to play! And have been doing it with him since his first month I got him. I even put up a humming bird feeder by my window so the birds he loves to watch would come closer. Although I'm not sure how much he likes it because when he sees them he usually crouched low like he's about to pounce and he starts chattering which I heard can be a sign of frustration. Something about him is he is freaking picky!! I've tried over 8 different kinds of treats and some he'll eat others he won't. The ones he does eat he'll only eat if he feels like it. I even gave him cooked chicken steak and raw salmon/tuna and he wouldn't even touch it. He also doesnt respond to any form of catnip. Trust me Ive tried every single one.

Anyways more about the lap thing. Before I posted this post last night I did try to force him. Only because I never really tried that method. Yeah it didn't work. I could tell he got pretty upset because that whole night he wouldn't let me come anywhere near his belly which he usually is OK with. I've tried feeding him on my lap but he is kinda hesitant about it but will still eat. I guess even after three months he isn't completely comfortable. Is that normal though? I've read multiple forums and adoption sites almost all says that it takes about a month or 2. I feel like 3 months is kinda a long time

I agree with @weebeasties  - 

Sunshine has never been a lap cat but occasionally she will surprise us by curling up in our lap. What a gift! It makes me feel so special because it's rare.

Good Luck!

When our furry friends show affection and interest in us, it's truly a gift.

I personally feel, we humans need to respect their SPACE, as we expect others to respect ours.

If a cat is forced, they may end up associating that action with being an unpleasant experience.  Too much attention can turn a cat off.

I personally, and please know that this is JMO, when using treats, the cat may associate that action to being fed.  You want the cat to come to you - just because he/she wants to.  So watch for that too.

And if using treats, please be mindful to count this as part of his daily food intake. 

Best of luck.

Haha oh, I have one that would be perfect for you.  He demands to be carried around or on me 24/7.  I have threatened to buy one of those baby carrier Snuggli things and just strap him to me!!

I can say that he was a former feral--totally feral, had never been touched by anyone that we know.  It took me about a year and a half to get him to let me pick him up, and it has been furry fun ever since.  But I did start off by just picking him up, putting him in my lap, petting him, and if he jumped down I'd wait a bit and try it again.  He finally decided he liked it.  And now...haha...he is like Velcro.   I swear a cat's timeline is not comparable to ours.  A few months is nothing to them when it comes to relationships apparently.  I've had two I've been introducing since February 5th.  They still stay separated except short, supervised visits together.  We are progressing, but still...a long time to us must not be to them. 

However--my other older guy---he is one of those that really does NOT want to be held or in your lap unless it is on his terms.  We just let him do whatever, and feel honored if he comes and gets in our lap.  But he has always been an independent sort.  He has his snuggle moments, but they are rare.  The closest I get on a daily basis is that when I get in bed he comes and sits on my chest for about 5-10 minutes, then goes about his business of patrolling, then he sleeps on my hubby's feet all night.  As far as any other time, nope.  Not unless he wants brushing, or just decides he is in a lovey mood.  It's all about their personality I think.

The cat tree thing--I have two of them, one for each, and both are by windows where they can look out.  They really didn't like them at all until I moved them to windows.  Now they both sleep on them, just hang out there, and patrol out the windows on them.

Wishing you luck and lots of patience! 

You know - I'm just thinking, my boy Simon was drawn to Valerian Root.  He could care less about catnip but Valerian Root, he'd go nuts over.

A long time ago I had a bottle of Valerian Rook Capsules in my fridge for me to help with sleep, it did nothing for me but give me bad breath. LOL Then I read some cats like it.

What I did (because it stinks like a locker room) was just open a capsule and dump it back in the bottle, then put a toy on top of the jar and shake it, so some of the powder got on the toy.

Man alive, he'd go nuts, then about an hour later he'd crash and nap. LOL

It was great fun and worked very well.

2Cats4everLoved said:

 
You know - I'm just thinking, my boy Simon was drawn to Valerian Root.  He could care less about catnip but Valerian Root, he'd go nuts over.

A long time ago I had a bottle of Valerian Rook Capsules in my fridge for me to help with sleep, it did nothing for me but give me bad breath. LOL Then I read some cats like it.

What I did (because it stinks like a locker room) was just open a capsule and dump it back in the bottle, then put a toy on top of the jar and shake it, so some of the powder got on the toy.

Man alive, he'd go nuts, then about an hour later he'd crash and nap. LOL

It was great fun and worked very well.

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Wurp went berserk over a pair of my shoes one evening and I couldn't figure out why...sticking his head in them, pushing them around with his head inside them (it was a pair of flats) and so I googled it.  Apparently feet sweat and shoes smell similar to Valerian root!  My shoes were stinky to him and he loved them!  I laughed and laughed over that, and never wore those shoes again for fear they stunk!!

@hbunny  Can you tell me more about the proccess with your feral cat? So you simply just put him on your lap and when he jumps off you just give him some time and do it again? I don't think my cat is the super independent type because I heard from the other family that had him that he would sometimes follow them and I remember witnessing the husband picking him up putting him next to his lap on the couch and petting him until he falls asleep. 

@2Cats4everLoved  lol trust me I've tried everything. Catnip, valerian root, honeysuckle, and silver vine. The only reaction I got was with the silver vine but 1 it's super expensive for how little they give and the reaction I get is my cat will simply roll around in it for like 2 minutes and then walk away. So I've kind of given up hope xD 

Thank you so much guys for all your responses I love this community on this forum  

If you tried everything, I think your going to have to let him come around when he's ready.

The poor little guy was taken from his home and placed in a strange place. Patience is needed on your part.  He's young, he's only been with you for 3 months, give him time.

I've had Looby Loo over a year now. Adopted her when she was 3 months old. She has never been a lap cat & I doubt she ever will be. Makes no difference to me.

some cats are lap cats once they're comfy, some aren't.  just like humans, each cat has his/her own personality.

we had a cat (a feral rescue) who just didn't like to cuddle or sit on anyone's lap who obviously loved us but just weren't into that sort of thing.  i could tempt jeep onto my lap or just put him up there, and my husband was always trying to hug him and pet him (and had the scratches to prove it!) but ultimately it wasn't jeep's thing and we had 8 very happy years together.  our other cat, who's still with us, is a natural lap cat, so my husband had a cat to cuddle. 

I guess  it's less I want him to be a lap cat and more I just thought owning a cat would be a little different than it turned out to be. I didn't think after 3 months he would still be like this. Sometimes I lose my patience with him because I get so frustrated. But I guess I just have to learn to mostly just let him do his own thing and see if he comes around. 

CalvinMigi said:

 
@hbunny  Can you tell me more about the proccess with your feral cat? So you simply just put him on your lap and when he jumps off you just give him some time and do it again? I don't think my cat is the super independent type because I heard from the other family that had him that he would sometimes follow them and I remember witnessing the husband picking him up putting him next to his lap on the couch and petting him until he falls asleep. 
 

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Well, like I said, it took me forever it seemed to get him to trust me enough to even come within a couple of feet of me.  And I never tried to get him to do anything against his will, or picked him up and held him against his will, if he wanted down, I immediately either put him down or let him jump down if I had him on my lap.  I just started off once he decided I could touch him by petting him gently, if he pulled away I just let it go for the evening and tried again the next day.  Then finally he let me pick him up, I would try and he would jump away, I'd wait and just try again the next day.  He got to where he would let me pick him up, but wouldn't let me hold him for just a few seconds, kept trying, and the days passed, and then I picked him up and sat down in a chair.  He stood on my lap for maybe 2 seconds and jumped down.  I did it daily with the same results.  Finally, one evening out of the blue, he just jumped in my lap!  I swear I celebrated.  But--he is odd with who he allows to do this even to this day.  He will be all over me, climb up my chest when I'm sitting on the couch and put his front legs around my neck and his head under my hair on my neck and go to sleep.  With my husband he wants to sit next to him, not on him, like he does with me.  I truly think it is all about the cat's personality.  But the biggest thing is that you don't make them do anything they don't want to do against their will.  I think that is why we have a strong trust bond.

As to the amount of time between tries--usually I would wait until the next day, or at least a few hours.

And--like I said before--my other cat has never, ever EVER been a lapcat.  I just accept that is how he is.  I love him, he loves us, we all know we love each other---but he likes his personal space and we respect that!

Our oldest cat, Skye, has never been a lap cat, and no amount of coaxing or socializing ever converted her. She's just more content so sit NEAR us rather than ON us. But she does spend a lot of time near us, and she seeks us out for company. That's good enough for us.

Just as some people are physically 'cuddly' and others are more reserved in their affection, it might just be that your cat prefers to just be near and not "on" you. Maybe your cat is like Skye and your mere presence is good enough for her, and she's independent but still likes company. If so, think of this cat as one who would rather just have "a beer and good conversation" rather than a hug-fest, and enjoy the companionship.

Sure, I'd love it if Skye would sit on my lap sometimes, but I know that I would just push her away and I'd lose the amount of companionship that I enjoy now if I tried to change her. But by letting her set the pace, Skye DOES sit on my lap in very rare moments, and only for a minute or two. But she purrs when she does, and I treasure those precious few minutes. If I tried to get more from her, she would counter by coming to me even less. So, I take what I can get. That's cats for ya!

Mine seems to want to be be but hes a savannah and lot of times they dictate want they want. Hes an amazing boy but I want him to feel more secure and I truly believe this stems for fear on his part. Anxiety perhaps

Oh my, Mybabies-- that is a HANDSOME cat! He looks so exotic!

It's possible that your Savannah has more of the serval personality, more 'aloof' and a little more 'distant', but very loving once they feel safe. How far off the serval is your kitty... F-1, F-2...? He has quite a bit of the serval look to him still, but I do see the domestic as well. The lower generations, more removed from the foundation serval, are more domestic-like, while the higher generations that are more recently removed from the foundation have personalities that tend to be more like the serval. That may have something to do with your case, Mybabies. If he's a more serval-like cat, his personality might just take a consistent dose of love and calm and security to develop that closeness. And even then, he might still be more 'wild' like Skye and simply be content to follow you around, and play with you using toys, and just hang out NEAR you rather than ON you. Skye, in fact, showed her love for us last night by bringing us a big fat freshly killed lizard. She was SO proud of her gift... and we were honored that she gave us her prey. (Of course, we promptly disposed of it after we praised and thanked her for the gift!)

So even though most of us want a kitty who will sit on our lap and make biscuits, sometimes they prefer to show their love in other ways. Let us thank them for all of their love-gifts, and not insist on more than they are willing to give.