New here... And desperate for help with my resident cat and her new brother

Alright so... First I'll tell you about Stella.

Stella is my resident cat who I rescued about a year and a half ago. She's almost 3 years old now. She was pretty badly abused and neglected by some drug addicts who couldn't/shouldn't take care of her. Long story short she ended up with me on a whim after it was to the point of take her now or she's going to the shelter. So I met her for the first time, scooped her up from an awful apartment and took her to my house. Soon after adopting her, I moved in with my boyfriend and she obviously had to come as my plus one. It took her about 3 1/2 months to attach to me, but oh man did she. To say she thinks we are in a committed relationship is a perfectly rational way to put it. This has never bothered me, but at times I'm sure it's annoyed my boyfriend she's so clingy to me and me only.

After a while, my boyfriend and I started talking about rescuing another cat. It took 5 months of going to our humane society's website each day cat shopping for the perfect one to fall in our lap. On a random day we stopped at petco to pick up a few things. And of course, a rescue sanctuary was having an adoption day. Enter Asher... A 5 month old kitten who is just a sweet little lover not a fighter. Not even a little bit of one. We kept him in his own room for 2 weeks and Stella would come in only when we were in there hanging out with him. She wouldn't get close, only watch. We decided to bring his bed, food and litter box into our room (also Stella's room). He loved getting to be with us more and more. Would literally purr himself to sleep in bed with us. I think this is when Stella started to really dislike her new little brother. She began to chase him under a couch we had in our room and would charge him anytime he came out from under it. Asher started to growl any time she would come close to him. One day we find a massive pee stain on my boyfriends side of the bed, too big to have come from Asher. Stella has never done this before but she was clearly voicing her displeasure with her new house mate. We change the bedding and move on.

The day after we changed the bedding and I was at work, my boyfriend was laying in bed and Asher started to pee on the blanket. It truly seemed like it was because he was too scared to jump down and walk 15 feet to the litter box, he didn't want to get charged, tackled and clawed. So he saw her pee on the bed, so it must be okay right? Especially if he's too scared to even try to make it the box. THEN a few days later, he started trying to Poop on us in bed!! I grabbed him and put him in the litter box, where he finished but then laid down inside of it and started to growl because the mean bigger cat was waiting for him to step out of the box. The next day I woke up and he didn't come out from under the couch to greet me and I got down to look what he was doing. He was INSIDE of the couch, which I don't even know how he managed to do. There is a zipper on the bottom the he got to open and crawl inside. I put my hand on the bottom lining of the couch and felt wetness. I get him out from inside of the couch and he's soaking in urine. I can only imagine that while we were sleeping, Stella was bullying him and scared him up inside of the couch and he was too scared to come back out. And this point, we look on the blanket that was next to the couch and its soaking in pee and had a nice Asher sized poop in it.

We say at this point, the catpocolypse is upon us and we better do something to stop the pee from going anywhere but their litter boxes and to minimize the stress on both of them. Back in the other room he goes and he immediately started going to the bathroom in the designated area again and she's happy because he's out of her queendom of half of a gigantic house. He stays in there for a few days and we begin to take him into our room only at night, but leaving the door open so they can both run out and get away from each other. We do this for about a week until the other night I wake up to Asher pooping on me in bed. And my boyfriend has another massive pee stain on him, sinking through all the blankets and into the mattress pad. The pee presumably from Stella. It was a rude awakening at 4 in the morning for both of us. I have since evicted them both from our bedroom and put Stella's litter box, food and water outside of the door. Until we can get things under control, they're not going to pee in our room again, let alone on us while we're sleeping. Just isn't gonna happen.

This morning, as I'm writing this I can hear Asher growling from upstairs. I go up to find Stella on the bed in Asher's room/guest room next to a big pile of poop and giant pee stain. And that's were we are right now. A house full of unhappy cats and unhappy humans.

I would love any advice on what to do. To make Stella realize I'm still her person who loves her more than anything else in this world. But to also give Asher a fair chance to get comfortable in his new come. Giving up is not an option! Even though I'm extremely discouraged.

Hi, Welcome to TCS!

I think what's happening between Stella and Asher has a lot to do with territory.

You're gonna need to think "cat".

Before Asher, Stella WAS the queen of the castle.

When Asher came, he had his safe room for 2 weeks, and Stella could interact with him while being supervised but apparently chose not to.

And then Asher had the run of the bedroom just like Stella, with all HIS stuff in HER territory.

I think she's just trying to say to him that she owns everything by peeing on it. That's also why she stalks and attack him. He's scared, so he's acting like prey in a way.

They both need a confidence booster.

I think you need to re-do the introductions. Two weeks was not enough for them, it was too fast.

Don't feel bad about it, each cats are different.

Here's what I would do :

Put Asher back in his safe room as soon as possible, and no access in there for Stella. Poor baby is terrified right now. He needs to feel safe, and that's not going to happen if Stella can come and go in his room as she pleases.

Without Asher anywhere on "her" territory, Stella should calm down and stop peeing everywhere.

Clean every inch of pee and poop. You're going to need an enzyme cleaner, pee still smells for cats even if it doesn't for humans. Enzyme cleaners break down cat urine. Here's an article about it :
[article="29728"]How To Remove Cat Urine  [/article]
When they're both re-established in their territory, you can begin again. Very slowly.

It's going to take time, and lots of patience, but it's worth it IMO.

Here's an article about introductions :
[article="32680"]How To Successfully Introduce Cats The Ultimate Guide  [/article]
I was also wondering if they are spayed/neutered?

Their behavior have nothing to do with you or your boyfriend, Stella doesn't resent you, she still loves you, don't worry.

That's my take on this, I hope others will chime in soon, it's always nice to have different opinions

Lyzzie gives great advice.

You'll want to restart the introduction process. Lyzzie gave the link to an excellent article with great advice. Please take this process slowly. The goal really is to associate the other cat with good stuff (food and play) and also to give them confidence that the other cat will not hurt them or take things away or change their life in a negative way.

I would work on building each cat's confidence. If they like to play try to play with each. After play then feed either food or treats. Give them plenty of places to go high (like cat trees and cat perches). If they can look out that is always good as well (make sure the cat tree will not tip over and go through any window). Give them a lot of warm, safe and comfy places to hang out and sleep in. And also give them a lot of love (eye kisses) and try to get them to purr as much as possible. We want each cat (especially the resident) to know that they are loved and that the only change will be a positive (a new playmate and grooming partner).

Follow the introduction process. The scent swapping and site swapping eventually.

Throughout the process please try to stay as calm and confident around the cats as cats take on our energy and the more calm and confident we are they tend to be.

Stella needs to know that she is not going to lose you and that this new cat is not going to impact her in any negative way.

Just take it slowly. Given Stella's past it might take a little longer but it sounds like she is a good cat as is Asher and they have great parents so they should be able to live nicely together for the rest of their lives.

We'll be here for you during this process and please ask anything anytime. 

Here a few months later with an update for you.. but first I wanted to thank both of you who replied for your kind words of encouragement and advice. It really did make me feel so much better to read what you said and implement it. It also made me feel like this disaster wasn't so much the end of the world like I thought.

I separated the two cats for longer than two months. This stopped the accidents on the bed immediately not surprisingly. Asher had roam of the house most of the time and Stella stayed in our large bedroom with lots of windows. They were happy to not see each other, I think, it gave them a good break from each other. About a month in, they became best friends from under the door. They would play and talk to each other all night, share toys through the door. After the two months (the month of November) each day I would allow them to see each other face to face. Play a little bit with both of them at the same time, trying to create positive feelings while around each other. Each time we would spend a little more time together, eventually allowing Asher to come into our bedroom (Stella's room) for a few minutes at a time whenever he felt safe enough to. Eventually by the end of November, I could leave them to do their thing without my supervision for an hour or two at a time. By December 5th, I started leaving our bedroom door open at night. At first Asher still slept outside of our door in his bed we have for him, while Stella slept on top of me like usual. He would jump up and join us in cuddles for a little while, then go back to his bed before the morning. Eventually he would stay almost the entire night and would leave with me in the morning as I left for work. If I wasn't home, they weren't together. But if I was home we were to a point where they could get along for hours without any problems. All was well. I was a happy cat owner, I seemed to have to cats that didn't hate each other anymore or felt the need to pee on us.

Well, wishful thinking. Stella and Asher still like each other. There are no more fights and Asher is no longer getting bullied by Stella. But my sweet baby Asher, after nearly 5 months of working on this decided to pee AND poo on the bed on December 24th as I was on the floor wrapping presents. He was "evicted" from the bedroom for a few days and as soon as I let him back in, he peed on my bed once again. He then goes back to the guest room (his room during the separation) and pees on the bed another 3-4 times. Since December 28th, he's been off limits to all rooms that have beds in them since this seems to be his favorite spot to mark. The last two days (January 13th and 14th, I've let him back into his original bedroom after creating a plastic sheet to put over mattress (Which luckily never soaked in any pee to my knowledge, it was just the thick bedding that absorbed it.) This cold morning I wake up to go feed Asher in his bedroom and look at the bed where there was nothing else but a fresh pee puddle sitting on top of the plastic sheet I made.

Again, I am at a loss I feel like. He is not quite a year old yet, he will be in March. I'm so so so terrified that this is a solidified habit that will cause problems for years to come.

Some last second things I want to add in before the people in the wonderful forum try to help this desperate cat owner out. Stella does not go into Asher's room at all. I have had a pheromone collar on Asher since the end of December. I've used deterrent sprays but maybe I need to try another brand?



Thank you in advance [emoji]128156[/emoji]

I am so sorry to hear this.

It sounds territorial to me.

The bed he went on is the bed that you and Stella sleep in, correct?

You then mention he was "evicted" from the bedroom and then hen let back in he went again. He probably was angry that territory (the bedroom) was taken away so he marked it to say "this is mine". The for some reason he felt insecure about his room and bed and marked that.

Is there a chance Stella was on his bed at some point?

Do you have ferals that come around your house at all? Especially by his bedroom?

Can you remember anything that might have happened before his first issue on December 24? How was he acting before it? Was he slinking around? more cautious? Tail low? Only around that bedroom or all over? Was their an elevated amount of stress among the humans at that time? Any guests over?

So I really want to work on building his confidence. I want him to feel like he owns everything in that house. So please step up play, in his room and in your bedroom. Real good play sessions and after play feed either treats or a meal on the bed or near the beds. Do you have a cat tree in his room? If not I would add one, we want him to go up in the world - even higher than the bed. And try to give him love (if possible without putting yourself at risk of being scratched or bitten) and if you can get him to purr even better. Try to do this on the beds and in those bedrooms.

At some point we'll want to add an old shirt with Stella's scent on it when giving love and giving food. Associating her scent with good things. And when he is feeling comfortable and happy and confident.

We should be able to end this via building his confidence. Something must have happened to cause him to feel territorially insecure. It could be because of Stella, or maybe a worker in the house, or ferals coming around, etc. But if he builds his confidence (through play, food, height and love) he should then feel more secure and should be less inclined to feel the need to mark. I always try to rule out medical first but this seems so targeted that I don't think it is medical but something we need to think about.

Please let me know how things go and feel free to ask anything anytime. I am happy to help try to fix this.

Yes the bed he went on, the night of December 24th was my bed that I sleep in with Stella and my boyfriend.

He is up on the second floor with us, so I don't think any ferals are causing the issue.

Things were very hectic at the time, starting maybe 5 days before. With all the holiday guests starting to come over just before the 24th, but none of them had used our guest room (Asher's room) for that time period from the 19th to the the 24th. The night he went pee and poop on my bed, I was wrapping presents on the floor. But a lot of my mess from that was on the bed too. In my mind I attributed it to that particular day and night being crazy and hectic, but I realize now it was the whole week. [emoji]9785[/emoji]️ and now I feel immensely guilty. It's been a highly stressful 30 days for me, still is. And I just don't know how to ease my own stress to help ease his.

Would it be bad to remove the mattress and box springs from the bedroom he is in? He has gone on the plastic sheet almost every single day for the last 7 days. He has done it whether he is in the room by himself for a few hours or if he had free roam of the house all day and the stress this is causing me is only amplifying his I'm sure!

I work all day tomorrow (Friday the 20th) but have the next 3 days off. I plan to get some new delicious treats for him along with new toys and I will he dedicated to him for those 3 days to help him know that this is his house with his owner who loves him. I will use the 3 days to reconnect with him and the days beyond it as well.

Recently I was in a car accident with a totaled car and injuries, had my boyfriends dog die in a tragic accident, been fighting a terrible sickness for 3 1/2 weeks. This is just the highlights (well the lowlights really) of my past 30 days. More stress for me = more stress for him and now after realizing that I'm absolutely sick with guilt. Probably not helpful either.

So would taking the mattress out help or hinder him? I'm at a loss right now and feeling so defeated.

Oh my goodness, I am so sorry that so many things have gone wrong. 

PLEASE do not feel guilty, you have no reason to feel guilty about anything.

I think all the guests could be a reason why this started. We always lok for some kind of change that can cause a cat stress or a feeling of insecurity.

Did Stella sleep in the bed before Dec 24 as well? And did Asher have access to this bed before Dec 24? I am trying to figure out the link between Stella, the bed and Asher's access to the bed.

But the root issue I think is a feeling of insecurity. He is marking to say "this is mine". Given the timing it very well could be the guests that came over. It could be the general stress level. It could be that when he is downstairs he sees ferals. It could be something Stella did. It could be so many things. We could target those but at times some of them are more difficult to control.

But the main thing is to build his confidence. The fact you'll have three days to spend with him will be very helpful though I think it may take time. Try to really step up play, get him into a good play session. Start playing in the his room and by the bed he is going in. After play feed either a meal or treats. Then expand play also into other areas in addition to play in his bedroom. I want him to "own" his bedroom and then we will gradually expand his territory. Does he have a cat tree in his bedroom? If at all possible if we could get one for him (no other scents) so he can take ownership of it. Then if possible without putting yourself at risk if you can do anything to let him know he is loved and wanted. Start again in his room. Feed treats, if possible get him to purr. Even if you just sit with him and talk softly and lovingly. Try to be as calm and confident around him as possible.

This should help him build his confidence and feel more secure and feel like he belongs and owns his territory. If I am right that it is territorial they this should solve it.

It could be medical but I think that is a lower probability.

On the bed, I am not sure I would change it out right now. It is tricky, we don't want any scents yet we don't want to not solve the underlying problem and be back in the same original position of having scents in the bed and having to replace again.

Let's see how he responds to this weekend's activities. See his behavior. Then we can see what we need to do next. What is working, what isn't. 

I think this is fixable. I think so much was going on that it made him insecure. Hopefully we can build his confidence and get him to feel secure again. Hang in there, you are not alone in the problem and I am here for you to help you get through this.