My kitty, Punkin passed

Hello all,
Its with a heavy heart Im posting my 19 year old kitty passed 3 weeks ago. I cant move past it. The guilt of everything is killing me. She had ckd and then they found a mass on her kidney the night she passed. For about a year we struggled with getting her to eat, miralax, bp meds , eye drops 6x per day b/c she stopped producing tears. My life was going to work and coming home to care for her. She started howling one night and breathing became shallow. I rushed her to what I thought was a 24 hr vet ER after calling them to let them know I was on my way. When I got there they were closed. This was a 20-minute drive with a dying cat. When I called them back they advised me that particular emergency room closes at 11 p.m. and the phones are forwarded to a different ER which was five minutes from my house. I opted to go to the first place because they had my cat's records and she was breathing not shalloow at the time but was breathing thru her mouth. She suffered 40 minutes longer than she had to because of my decision to go to the farther ER. By the time we got there she was barely breathing and they said it was hopeless so I had to make the agonising choice of euthanasia. Several months before this I lost my temper with Punkin. I yelled at her and I grabbed her and I asked her why won't you eat I'm just trying to help you. she went through so much. I was so frustrated. At any given time we would have 4 or 5 cans of cat food open. I heated the food. I tried everything. sometimes she would eat sometimes not. She was a pretty independent cat. She never listened to a word I said. So I'm hoping she didn't even notice I was angry. I even told her I was just sick of her. I apologized and told her I could never be sick of you and how much I love you I was just weary from the situation. Im crying as I write this. Im just in a place of despair. I did all i knew to do for her for almost 20 years. I dont know why
I cant focus on that. The guilt is eating me alive. RIP Punkin.

My heart is breaking for you. I can feel the despair in your words. I'm so sorry for the loss of your dear Punkin. And for the difficult circumstances of her passing. All of that is too fresh for you to be able to see the big picture; anyone in your shoes would feel the same way because of how much you loved Punkin. We always wish we did or could have done more and blame ourselves. As an outsider to this I can say with 100% certainty that you gave Punkin a long wonderful life filled with love. You cared for her through a long, difficult illness, forsaking your life to ensure she was cared for. Now that is LOVE [emoji]10084[/emoji]️ Take comfort knowing that Punkin is at rest and free from pain now. She would want nothing more than for you to take comfort in knowing that and to find some peace in the knowledge that her life was a blessed one because of you.

[emoji]128149[/emoji]RIP sweet Punkin[emoji]128149[/emoji]

So sorry you have lost your Punkin. 19 years is a long and blessed time to share together. It is so very hard when they leave us. Punkin knows you were not mad at her. She knows you were frustrated and scared because you love her. It is obvious that you did all that could be done. Punkin is now well again waiting for you in a perfect place. Good thoughts and memories will eventually replace the guilt and sorrow of the last days. Let your grief out for as long as it takes. Take care of yourself.

Thanks for your kind words, Hello Miss Kitty. It helps. Hopefully I will be able to adopt again one day. I dont have any family. Punkin was it!

Thank you Boney Girl. Im glad you dont think badly of me for losing my temper. I feel like a monster. Im taking one day at a time. I appreciate you taking the time to reply. Take care.

lisa1706 said:

Hello all,
Its with a heavy heart Im posting my 19 year old kitty passed 3 weeks ago. I cant move past it. The guilt of everything is killing me. She had ckd and then they found a mass on her kidney the night she passed. For about a year we struggled with getting her to eat, miralax, bp meds , eye drops 6x per day b/c she stopped producing tears. My life was going to work and coming home to care for her. She started howling one night and breathing became shallow. I rushed her to what I thought was a 24 hr vet ER after calling them to let them know I was on my way. When I got there they were closed. This was a 20-minute drive with a dying cat. When I called them back they advised me that particular emergency room closes at 11 p.m. and the phones are forwarded to a different ER which was five minutes from my house. I opted to go to the first place because they had my cat's records and she was breathing not shalloow at the time but was breathing thru her mouth. She suffered 40 minutes longer than she had to because of my decision to go to the farther ER. By the time we got there she was barely breathing and they said it was hopeless so I had to make the agonising choice of euthanasia. Several months before this I lost my temper with Punkin. I yelled at her and I grabbed her and I asked her why won't you eat I'm just trying to help you. she went through so much. I was so frustrated. At any given time we would have 4 or 5 cans of cat food open. I heated the food. I tried everything. sometimes she would eat sometimes not. She was a pretty independent cat. She never listened to a word I said. So I'm hoping she didn't even notice I was angry. I even told her I was just sick of her. I apologized and told her I could never be sick of you and how much I love you I was just weary from the situation. Im crying as I write this. Im just in a place of despair. I did all i knew to do for her for almost 20 years. I dont know why
I cant focus on that. The guilt is eating me alive. RIP Punkin.

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You did everything you could for Punkin.  Punkin knows you love her and that love helped light the way for her to the rainbow bridge.  She is now your angel looking down on you.  The guilt and the blame you are feeling right now are part of the grieving process.  Our mind can play tricks on us during the grieving process and this is why you may be having a hard time getting past the guilt.  I personally went through something similar years ago.  One of my cats got a blockage and I did not notice it in time to save her.  I was really busy at work and did not notice she was losing weight and was not going into the basement to go to the litter box.  It took a lot of time and conversations with my close friends for me to get through the guilt and blame. I can not tell you how to move past this cloud of guilt but I can honestly say you will get through it in your own time.  Time and sharing your feelings/grief with people who understand will help a lot.  I wish my words were enough to help you get through this phase of the process. The grieving process is different for each person and you will feel a whole range of emotions as you move through it.  

You gave Punkin the one thing she wanted most in her life a loving and secure home.  I am crying along with you here.  Our baby's take a piece of our heart with them when they leave.  Nothing can break the bond of love you shared with Punkin it will always remain in the memories of the times you shared together.  Hugs to you during this very difficult time.

   

Thank You Cat Lover 73. I appreciate you taking the time to read my post. I know it was a long one. I am feeling some better. I am sorry to hear about the loss of your kitty.  I hope you have been able to find some peace with what happened.  It means a lot that you and others have taken the time to respond to my posts.  I dont have a good support system and no family. Its hard just being here alone. Seeing her side of the bed empty. Bathroom looks wrong. No big littler box!  No food dishes on the kitchen floor. No cat bed on my couch....what used to be "our couch."  I dread coming home each day. Hopefully it will get easier with time. Thanks for your kind words. Its helps being able to talk to other cat moms. . Be well.   

lisa1706 said:

Thanks for your kind words, Hello Miss Kitty. It helps. Hopefully I will be able to adopt again one day. I dont have any family. Punkin was it!

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I hope that in time you will feel ready to adopt a new cat into your life. It would be a wonderful way to honor Punkin and you have so much love to give....any kitty would be lucky to have you as their mom. Please be kind to yourself.

Please stay with us here on TCS. I'm sure you have a lot of cat knowledge you could share with all of us.

The guilt is consuming, I know. We all wish we could turn back the clock and relive those moments when we failed our babies and became frustrated or did something we will regret for the rest of our lives. But we cannot go back, no matter how much we would like to, no matter how much we want to. Punkin knew you were frustrated, but everything you were doing you did out of love. You cared enough to try to get her to eat, you cared enough to rush her to the ER, and believe me, she knew she was loved and loved you back. We are human, and that makes us not perfect. We have ALL yelled, and did things we are ashamed of now, none of us are perfect in our interactions with the ones who we love the most. We make mistakes, and we pay for them. But you never PURPOSELY meant to lose your temper, what you were doing you did out of love and concern. Bad things happen to good people and I will never understand why. You cannot dwell on the end and all the mistakes you think you made, you have to concentrate on what Punkin brought into your life and what that precious little soul meant to you and your family. She would NEVER want you to be so sad, She loved you above all else and only wants the best for you and for you to be strong and guard the legacy of love she left for you to treasure. Please hold on to that chain of love that binds you even now to her heart. She will send you love and comfort through that bond and you can send yours right back.  You are going to have to purposely put all these bad thoughts out of your mind. The best way I have found to do this is to do good things in Punkin's name. Pay for the adoption of an older cat at a shelter. Donate cat food at your local food pantry so another is able to  keep a pet from going hungry. Donate your time with the kittens at your shelter who so desperately need to know the touch of someone who cares. Honor Punkin's memory by opening your heart once again and bringing love to another sweet baby who would bring you the distraction you need. One day you will live, and love, again. Time is the only thing that helps to soften your grief.Don't let grief and darkness consume the space in your heart that Punkin now occupies, she needs sunshine and happiness. Be happy that you knew her, and that for a little while she occupied a place in your home and your heart, it would be far more tragic to have never known her at all.  I will cry with you for your loss, I'll pray for you to forgive yourself, because she would never hold you to blame, all you did was to love. Bless you for hurting so bad from loving so much, take care and surround yourself with people who understand.........RIP sweet, sweet, Punkin. You will so very missed, but never forgotten. You will be forever held in loving hearts, please comfort the one who loves you so much!  

My condolences on your loss of Punkin. She experienced 19 years of your love, so I'm sure she forgave you for losing patience with her when she wouldn't eat. It's so difficult not to become frustrated when you're giving a critically ill (and non-cooperative) cat such intensive care; go easy on yourself and think of all the good times with her.

Cats have an incredible sense to know the intentions behind your actions. Your frustration was due to you wanting your Punkin to get better and she knew it. After 19 years she knew you better than anyone else. Please be kind to yourself she would never want you to suffer like you currently are. I am sorry for your loss RIP sweet Punkin 

lisa1706 said:

 
Thank You Cat Lover 73. I appreciate you taking the time to read my post. I know it was a long one. I am feeling some better. I am sorry to hear about the loss of your kitty.  I hope you have been able to find some peace with what happened.  It means a lot that you and others have taken the time to respond to my posts.  I dont have a good support system and no family. Its hard just being here alone. Seeing her side of the bed empty. Bathroom looks wrong. No big littler box!  No food dishes on the kitchen floor. No cat bed on my couch....what used to be "our couch."  I dread coming home each day. Hopefully it will get easier with time. Thanks for your kind words. Its helps being able to talk to other cat moms. . Be well.   

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I have found peace with the loss of my baby.  It took a long time.  I just wanted to give you hope that things will get easier for you.

This site is an excellent support system. I hope you continue to reach out here for support as long as you need to.

Also as others have mentioned we hope you stick around and share your knowledge.

I also agree that you are an excellent cat mom and would do a great job giving another kitty a loving home if and when you decide you are ready to.

I was crying as I read your tribute to your precious kitty, Punkin. It is so obvious by your words how truly loved Punkin was and still is. You gave Punkin 19 wonderful, loving years with you. She loved you just as much. She didn't listen when you yelled at her for not eating. She knew you only wanted to help her get better. She would never blame you for anything you did or said. It was all out of love for her and she knew that. Try to be kind to yourself. She will always be with you (in her own special place in your heart). I wish I could say something to help ease your pain. I know all too well how the pain can be unbearable at times. Just know that I, along with everyone here, understand the pain you are feeling. We are all crying along with you. On this site, we love each member's kitty like our very own. We cry over each one that has passed.
RIP Sweet Punkin!
Keep watch over your loved ones, as they miss you so very much!!

I am so very sorry to read this, and I am another one crying as I read your story. I am still grieving over Skipper who passed bout 3 weeks ago, we brought his ashes home the other day, and even though we weren't really close because he wasn't a people cat I still feel pain and like you was thinking back to a few times that I chased him when he chased Sylvester our newest cat, trying to show Skipper what it felt like to be chased, I felt VERY guilty and upset over that like you do with your actions towards Punkin, but we have nothing to be upset about, in my case I was trying to teach him something and he was fine and got over it quickly; in your case, it was just understandable frustration, but look at ALL YOU DID FOR HER for ALL THOSE YEARS!!!!! You should be praised for that, all the love and work that you put into that showed that you loved her so much and that you cared; do you know how many people would think "this is too much work, I'll either put her down now or try to take her to a shelter", which would've been horrible, but you took care of her all those years, whatever it took you did, and she LOVES YOU for it, so please remember that, and the guilt IS just part of the grieving process and it will pass, I know Skipper has forgiven me and she has forgiven you too. Please take care, time and love will heal your broken heart, and the folks on here are wonderful, talk to them anytime and they will comfort you.....

Rest in peace sweet Punkin, no more pain or suffering, just health and love.......

I'm so sorry for the loss of your companion, Punkin.

It's only been a week, so I'm sure your pain, grief, and guilt had not lessened. I'm can assure you Punkin had only gratitude and love for you, and any anger you displayed was forgotten almost immediately after the event was over. Punkin had 19 years of love to buffer your momentary expression of frustration, and cats are much more sensible than people with their reactions to isolated episodes of just about anything, whether it's being yelled at, having their tail pulled, chased by a dog, or even using up one of their "9" in a major trauma episode.

You need to try and forgive yourself and move beyond your guilt. Punkin forgave you a long, long time ago and is wanting you to remember how much she loved you, as you made her feel loved and protected and nutured for her 19 years. The pain and emptiness will take longer to heal. That hole in your heart will heal slowly, but it will heal.

I know all too well about guilt. My sweet 14 year old Chester was an indoor cat that my wife and I adopted in our first year of marriage when it's mother died after being hit on the highway. We initially had to nurse him with a bottle and before we had children, he was our child. Even though he was an inside cat, Chester loved to sit under the cool bushes of our front step area. We live 1/4 mile off the road away from traffic, and Chester never left the bushes 10 feet from our front door. One day I was home alone, and allowed Chester to take an outside rest under the bushes. When his customary hour was up and it was time to come back inside, he was gone from his outside bush rest area. I searched everywhere, but Chester was simply gone. My wife found Chester the next morning in the pouring rain, dead by the roadside that's the quarter mile from his cool bushes. I know guilt - I felt like I was directly responsible for my sweet kitty's death due to carelessness, irresponsibility, and even callousness of not keeping a close enough eye on him. As time passed, I have been able to forgive myself, as I know now Chester was thankful we let him enjoy the sights, smells and pleasure of the summer coolness under the bushes, and he was sorry he became disoriented when he ventured too far away from his protective, loving home.

Punkin is sorry she caused you frustration and fear, and I'm certain she wants you to stop your feelings of guilt. She has forgiven you, although in her loving eyes, you didn't really do anything that needed to be forgiven. Please forgive yourself, now.

Thank-you for being such a wonderful companion to Punkin.

I'm so sorry for your loss.  Please remember we are only human and all do things we regret.  You tried so hard to help her.  Punkin loved you and I promise she would never want you to feel bad.  I know it in my heart.   You were such a blessing to Punkin.  Be kind to yourself.  

Update. I got a 10 mo old cat yesterday. He is afraid and will not come out of his carrier which I placed in the bathroom with litter box, food and water. The cat let me hold him but I made a sudden move apparently and he got spooked and severely scratched me trying to get away. Its bad. This cat was born to a homeless mom and is from a recue. I balled my eyes out today. Im not sure why Im so emtional. I guess he's not what expected. Im stressed and have health concerns. Im sick and tired. Im still grieving the loss of Punkin. I know I can not ever replace her but I thought a new cat would reduce my stress and would find a happy home with me. I thought I was OK and ready for this. I wanted to give this guy a loving home but I dont know that Im emotionally equipped to meet his needs. The rescue will take him back to his foster mom if I ask. I suffer from depression and anxiety. Someone please tell me what to do. Maybe I've run out of space in my heart for a new kitty. I had Punkin 20 years. Im so stressd out. I know he is too. He does not want to be here and I can barely care for my own emotional needs. As Ive gotten older my emotions have run rampant. Im so disappointed in myself. Help!!

I recommend you give the cat back to foster mom. Give yourself a little more time and work on your own healing.

Oh honey, I'm so sorry for your situation and how you're feeling. But punkin knew how much you loved her and now she is peaceful and happy.

Being emotional is normal and is a totally valid feeling after all that has happened. You still have room in your heart for this sweet boy. He will never replace punkin but you will love him in a different way and soon he will grow and love you and the wonderful home you are providing him.
Things will get better with this kitten, it will just take time and patience. Remember that he was born into hard circumstances and you are both new to each other. I know that you are grieving and Tuffsmom may be right, but maybe after you give him a few days to adjust to the new situation you guys can comfort each other and form a new kind of relationship.
I hope you feel better and am hoping for the best for your situation.

Clmgordan. Thank you. I want to give him a chance. Im hoping soon I can get a grip on my feelings. Just so much going on..just the normal stresssors of life like everyone has but here lately I feel inadequate to deal. Im alone with no one. my cat was my family. Yesterday I was excited about the new kitty, Zachary. I ran out to pet store and bought new supplies for him. Foster mom sat with us and told me about his background. Today..basket case. Maybe Im expecting to much too soon from him. He's not eaten much. Only a few treats. After the scratching incident..he ran of course. I screamed which further spooked him. Ill try to wait a few days. I appreciate your kind words.