Cat goes back and forth between liking someone

altaidl

TCS Member
Thread starter
Kitten
Joined
Jul 28, 2016
Messages
4
Purraise
1
My boyfriend adopted a two-year-old cat at the beginning of the year. She has a skittish personality, but is extremely sweet and affectionate when she feels safe.  After a couple weeks of hiding constantly and hissing/screaming whenever anyone came near, she settled in and became a pretty friendly cat. She would hop up in our laps, play, roll over for belly rubs when she saw us, purr like a motorboat, and give out lots of head butts, kneadings, and rubbings.  All was well in the world.  Unfortunately, shortly after this, she was lying on my boyfriend's chest while he was petting her. She decided to gently mouth on one of his fingers, but he's never had a cat before and thought she was attacking him.  Before he could even think about it, he reflexively booped her on the nose (he has assured me he did this very gently, although of course one should never, ever hit their kitty in the face, no matter how softly - he understands this).  She immediately hopped off of him and hid under the bed.  Feeling absolutely horrible, he tried to apologize, but ever since then (several months), she has run away from him whenever she's seen him.

On the other side, her affection for me has only grown.  She absolutely loves me now.  She comes running to see me and loves to cuddle me and love all over me.  When I'm with her, he can come over to her and she acts just the same with him: nothing but love. She rubs on him, exposes her belly to him for rubs, head butts, the whole nine yards.  If I leave the room (usually) or if I'm not there (almost always), she runs and hides.  I am confused as to why she seems to trust him when I'm there, but goes back to running when I'm not.  Unfortunately, this is absolutely breaking my boyfriend's heart. He wants her to like him too and want to be with him (especially since she's "his" cat), and he loves her. He has been so gentle with her and tried sitting on the floor just talking softly to her, giving her treats she likes, petting her when she lets him, and basically doing anything he can think of to win her good graces back.  Because she is so relaxed and trusting with him when I'm around (and will sometimes stay that way with him when I leave the room), and will run over to him whenever it's feeding time (which he does by himself, making this the exception) and let him pet her while she eats, I have difficulty believing she's actually terrified of him.  Is there anything we can do to help her feel more willing to like him again even when I'm not there?  I know it can take a very long time, but it seems to me that there is so much potential there already. I simply don't understand why she transforms from "I love the boyfriend!" to "MUST HIDE NOW" based upon where I'm located.  I just feel so bad, because he loves her very much.

I appreciate any help or advice that can be offered.
 

mani

Moderator and fervent feline fan
Staff Member
Moderator
Joined
Feb 28, 2012
Messages
46,571
Purraise
23,328
Location
Australia
Welcome to TCS @altaidl and so sorry for the time it's taken to respond.

I haven't heard of this before.. you're doing all the right things; he feeds her, gives her treats etc.

I have a suggestion that may seem odd.  Does she like catnip?  You can get catnip sprays.  I once sprayed my brother with catnip spray
when he came to visit as my cat was scared of large men.  She snuggled up to him.  Feliway spray could work too.

It's worth a go.. just when you're all in the room together and then you leave.  Spray him away from the cat - many cats are frightened of the hissing sound of a spray.
 

catlover73

TCS Member
Top Cat
Joined
Sep 3, 2006
Messages
2,627
Purraise
1,541
Location
Chicago area
My vet uses Feliway spray on herself between each patient.  I have a cat that does not do well with the vet and she is very calm around this vet. I use a fairly large practice but Starbuck only gets appointments with that vet.

Perhaps this would be helpful to try with your boyfriend. I suggest you follow Mani's advice about using the spray outside the presence of your cat. 
 
Last edited:
  • Thread Starter Thread Starter
  • #4

altaidl

TCS Member
Thread starter
Kitten
Joined
Jul 28, 2016
Messages
4
Purraise
1
Thank you very much for the ideas! :) I've lurked on here for a while - great community.

I haven't heard of it before either, and I've been around a lot of cats.  She's a special little one!  She does like catnip, so we're going to pick up a bottle of it today and I'll let you know how it goes.  If that doesn't work, I'll see if I can convince him to try the Feliway, too. :) Will keep you updated!

Amusingly enough, she is such a sweet cat that when she first met our vet shortly after we adopted her, she immediately started loving all over him, too.  I really think she wants to love my boyfriend, so I hope we can figure out what's holding her back.
 

mani

Moderator and fervent feline fan
Staff Member
Moderator
Joined
Feb 28, 2012
Messages
46,571
Purraise
23,328
Location
Australia
Let us know how it goes.
 
  • Thread Starter Thread Starter
  • #6

altaidl

TCS Member
Thread starter
Kitten
Joined
Jul 28, 2016
Messages
4
Purraise
1
Nothing has helped so far. :( I keep hoping she'll warm up over time. She was cuddling us today by lying on him, which I think is great, but he got sad because the entire time she just looked at me and reached her paws out to me to the extent that when he put his hand where mine was, she turned her shoulder to him and shifted her paws down so she could keep touching me.  I think he felt he was just furniture.
 

mani

Moderator and fervent feline fan
Staff Member
Moderator
Joined
Feb 28, 2012
Messages
46,571
Purraise
23,328
Location
Australia
 
Nothing has helped so far. :( I keep hoping she'll warm up over time. She was cuddling us today by lying on him, which I think is great, but he got sad because the entire time she just looked at me and reached her paws out to me to the extent that when he put his hand where mine was, she turned her shoulder to him and shifted her paws down so she could keep touching me.  I think he felt he was just furniture.
  I don't think that's furniture..I think she knows what she's doing.  It sounds like a breakthrough to me. 
 
 
Last edited:
  • Thread Starter Thread Starter
  • #8

altaidl

TCS Member
Thread starter
Kitten
Joined
Jul 28, 2016
Messages
4
Purraise
1
I agree! Although I should probably point out she didn't go on him herself. She was on me and I needed to shift my position so I gently rolled and she ended up on him.  She simply chose to stay.  I still think that's a good thing, but he says he finds it so depressing he doesn't want her on him anymore. :(
 
Top