Should i give my cat away?

Me and my cat don't really get along. He always bites everytime i want to pet him, he doesn't let me brush his fur. Basically i spend time and money on him and i don't receive anything back, excepting a few scratches and bites. A friend wants to give me for free a gorgeous kitten. And anyway, it's not like he would miss me, it's obvious that he simply doesn't like me. But i can't say the same about myself...he's an ugly cat but i need to admit i would kinda miss him if he were gone. I'm so confused, i don't understand how could i miss a burden like him, but i know i would do. What i don't know is what it's worse: with or without him. I think i will forget about him soon, but i want to hear other opinions. Oh, and i forgot to mention, what really breaks my heart is that i know he is this way because his old owner would always beat him when he was a kitten, but i can't help feeling like this, it's not my fault and i'm not such a nice person to suffer the consequences of someone else's mistakes just for a pet. I know i am going to get a lot of hate for this from people who treat their cats like they're gods, but i really hope i get some decent opinions.

He's been abused and most likely has a low stimulation threshold which means he can stand maybe only one stroke before he lashes out. He will not be a cat that you can brush and stroke endlessly, he is one that you have for a companion, someone you can talk to and know loves you for giving him a home. You could learn to interact with him in different ways, like playing with a wand. You might try just stroking him once and stopping, see if he will accept that. The ideal situation in my opinion is to get the kitten and have two cats, one for a companion and one for cuddling. Two are just about as expensive as one to keep, and they will eventually be friends and keep each other company. You will have to introduce them slowly though, you would hate for the kitten to get hurt. I feel for you because I know how difficult this can be, I've had cats like this. But the chances of him being adopted are very slim and he would most likely be euthanized, I'm sure you don't want that, you have some feelings for him. Don't give up on him, if you are willing I'm sure there is a solution that can be acceptable to all.  I'll pray for you both, good luck! 

How long have you had this cat? If you haven't had him that long and if he was that abused, he's gun-shy.....he's probably scared to death and is wondering when you're going to turn on him. I'm not saying you would, but he doesn't know that. He's had a really bad life before you, so he's scared and worried and he just doesn't know what's going to happen. (How would you feel if you had been severely abused when you were little? Wouldn't you be more than a scared, too? And you can reason, you can talk. He cannot. He doesn't know that he's safe now. All he knows is that he was hurt and it's going to take time for him to get over that.)

Di's right....if you take him to a shelter, chances are they're not going to take the time to deal with him and he'll be euthanized. 

I know it's not your fault. But I think you need to give him a chance. (There are lots of gorgeous free kittens out there in the world. This guy? He needs you more than you realize.)

Caya said:

Me and my cat don't really get along. He always bites everytime i want to pet him, he doesn't let me brush his fur. Basically i spend time and money on him and i don't receive anything back, excepting a few scratches and bites. A friend wants to give me for free a gorgeous kitten. And anyway, it's not like he would miss me, it's obvious that he simply doesn't like me. But i can't say the same about myself...he's an ugly a**hole but i need to admit i would kinda miss him if he were gone. I'm so confused, i don't understand how could i miss a burden like him, but i know i would do. What i don't know is what it's worse: with or without him. I think i will forget about him soon, but i want to hear other opinions. Oh, and i forgot to mention, what really breaks my heart is that i know he is this way because his old owner would always beat him when he was a kitten, but i can't help feeling like this, it's not my fault and i'm not such a nice person to suffer the consequences of someone else's mistakes just for a pet. I know i am going to get a lot of hate for this from people who treat their cats like they're gods, but i really hope i get some decent opinions.

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Welcome to TCS 

The fact that you took the time to find us, register and post tells me that you aren't ready to let this little guy go so you're already headed in the right direction. 

As you've said, he's been abused so he's going to need to learn that the person that hurt him is gone and will never do that again. This will come in time.

With any cat, a relationship between you and him will form over time. Cats are not small dogs. While the vast majority of dogs give their love and trust indiscriminately, cats do not. A cat's love and trust must be earned. This requires time, patience and lots of love. It is worth the effort. You will be forming a bond that will last forever. 

There are things you can do to get the ball rolling. First off, he is NOT an ugly anything. He is a frightened animal who is in a new environment full of new smells, sounds and a new human that he doesn't know yet. Please put yourself in his position. How would YOU feel if you were him? He came out of an abusive situation and he cannot verbalize his fears and anxiety so he reacts the only way he knows how- he bites. I know it's hard. In a perfect world, he'd come to live with you, realize everything is better now and the 2 of you walk paw in hand into the sunset together to be friends forever. Unfortunately, it doesn't work that way but in time, it will come. 

What you need to do is spend time with him at his level so when you are near him, sit or lay on the floor. It makes you smaller. Standing or "looming" over a cat is threatening to them so putting yourself closer to his eye level will ease some anxiety. 

Do not look him directly in the eye as this is threatening to cats as well. Look just to the side or just above his head. When doing this, close your eyes and hold them like that for a few seconds before opening them. This is the slow blink. All cats recognize this. It is one of the ways that they greet one another. It is their way of saying, "Hi! I see you and I am not a threat to you".  As your relationship progresses, you will see that he will start to return this and then he will do it first. This will be a very special moment. Cats also use this to say, "I love you". 

Please do not try to pet him yet. He's not ready. When you do want to interact with him, extend your hand to him in a fist. A human fist is similar in size and shape to a cat's head. Cats also greet one another with head butts. It may take him some time to come to you but he will. His natural curiosity will make it impossible for him not to. 

You need to give him 100% control over the relationship. This is the hard part but once you do, he will relax more. My Henry was in a shelter for 8 years before he came to live with us and he was not socialized. he was VERY timid and would not come out of his safe room for months. What I did was let him know what we love him, we are glad he is with us and when he's ready, he can come to us. he did and your little guy will too. Once the pressure is off, he will relax and he will progress. 

Play with him. Hands off play time is one of the best things you can do. Get a wand toy such as Da Bird or a laser pointer. They get so wrapped up in the toy that they forget to be afraid. This will associate you with good things. When he behaves in a way that is positive towards you, reward him with lots of praise using a soft, soothing voice and give him a yummy treat. This will also associate you with good things. 

Just talk to him. Tell him often that everything is going to be all right. Reassure him that the one who hurt him is gone and is never coming back. Tell him that you love him and want him to be happy. Cats are very intelligent and I firmly believe that they understand far more of what we say to them then a lot of people give them credit for.  You can also use things like Feliway plug ins or sprays. These mimic the feel good pheremones that cats give off and they help some cats with anxiety issues relax. These can be found on Amazon as can Da Bird and other wand toys. 

 Anyone can take in a kitten and raise them to adulthood but it takes someone very special to take in a cat like yours and take the time and effort to build a relationship with them while nurturing their damaged spirit back to good health. This little guy really needs you. The kitten will find a home. Everything in life happens for a reason and this little guy crossed your path because he was SUPPOSED to.  You can do this. I know you can. We will help you in any way that we can.   

Winchester and Kat have given you some really good advice here.  I adopted an adult cat years ago that was abused and it took time for her to adjust and realize she was safe.  It takes a lot of patience but it is very rewarding when the cat learns to trust you.  Things need to be done in baby steps though. I agree that your cat is probably over-whelmed by all the changes.  When I adopted my cat Baby-T she hid in my roommates dirty laundry for an entire week.  My roommate and I actually shared my clothes to give the cat space.  We put her food water and litter box in my roommates room.  She would only eat or use the litter box at night when my roommate was asleep or when my roommate was at work.  During the time she was hiding my roommate would sit in the room on the floor and just talk to her.  We did not try to give her attention until she asked for it.  Even once she came out of hiding it took a couple of weeks before we could pet her.  Once she started walking around the room we got a string toy on a wand and were able to get her to play with it.  About a week after  the playing we were allowed to pet her for short amounts of time before she would get hissy and run away. Over time Baby-T did learn she was safe and became a very loving member of our household.

Your cat does not hate you or not want to get along with you he just does not know how to re-act to normal human contact.  I would take a step back here and stop trying to brush the cat at all right now.  Also if the cat is not asking to be pet yet please give him space.  Things could be moving to fast and that is why he is lashing out. This video may help you better understand your cat's body language which may help with the lashing out you are experiencing. Cat's that have not had positive interactions get over-stimulated very easily.  I was lucky that my cat would hiss instead of biting me. 

http://jacksongalaxy.com/2014/09/15/cat-mojo-how-to-read-cat-body-language/

I hope this video will provide you with some insight on cat body language.  There may be signals your cat is giving off before he bites you.

It seems to me like you really do care about this cat but just need help figuring out how to interact on his terms.

The slow blink that Kat0121 mentioned works well. I used that on a cat that was feral. I was working on getting him and his sister to trust me. When he came out to watch me put the food out I did it to him. After a while he started doing it back to me and began to get closer and closer to me. Unfortunately he got an upper respiratory infection and an eye infection so I had to trap and take them to a vet before I managed to fully gain their trust and able to touch them. I brought them inside after trapping and have had them for over 2 1/2 months. It was a lot of work getting them from feral to indoor pet but worth it in the end. I can pick them up and pet them all day long but sometimes they get a little excited and bite or scratch hard while playing with me, I am still working on them. They were approximately 8 months old when I trapped them and it is a lot easier if they are younger and it also helps they had no other human interaction like your poor cat.

It is hard to say in your situation what to do without knowing how long you had the cat for and how old he is. Especially how old he is, younger cats are easier and take less time where older cats are harder and take longer time. It has taken me several months and lots of patience with my two cats. I started feeding them when they were approx 2 months old, they started watching me feed them when they were approx 6 months old, I brought them inside at approx 8 months old, they are now 10 months old and although not perfect they are close to it. It gets easier and easier as time goes by they become more and more trusting.

Unfortunately what other people said is probably correct, there is a good chance he'll be euthanized at a shelter because they don't have the time to work on him. It would be best if you took the advice of Kat0121 and others on here. I am not a pro when it comes to cats and don't have advice for you but figured I should show you some moral support as a fellow cat owner.

Being on this forum means you know deep down inside it is not "just for a pet". He is your little companion and you want to give him the best gift in life, to be loved. After what the cat went through with the previous owner he deserves someone like you. If you have only been at it for a month or two all I can say is be patient and he will probably learn that you love him and only want the best for him. If you have been working on the cat a lot longer I am sorry I don't know what to say, I am not a pro like other people on here. What I can say for certain is that I admire you a lot for trying. You are doing a lot more than most people would do.

Thank you a lot for your answers. Most people thought that i have had him for a short time, but actually i think i've had him for about 2 years. I don't  think he is scared. He doesn't hide or anything, he simply doesn't want me to get close to him, unless i am giving him food. Maybe that's just his personality, but i thought i'd mention the abuse he got from his previous owner because that may be a reason too. I will probably keep him after all, i don't want him to die, and i will try to make him like me more.

When my hubby moved in with me Baby-T reacted to him the same way. Baby-T had lived with me for a while before she met my hubby and had already bonded with me.  He just continued to feed her and did not try to interact with her. She would sometimes rub up against his legs when we were hanging out together.  He just stayed seated and talked to her when she did this. Back then I did not know to tell him to get on the floor and just talk to her without interacting. I don't remember anymore how long it took before he could pet her since we have been married for 15 years. I  will tell you that they did bond over time.  She actually eventually became his person and eventually he could even pick her up.  She was very affectionate with me but never allowed me to pick her up.  She would never allow either of us to pet her tummy.  We also could never pet her with out feet. 

You mentioned trying to make him like you more.  That does not really work.  Some of the tips mentioned above could still help if he is showing himself to you.  Sitting on the floor in the room and just talking to him without trying to touch him may still work toward helping him bond with you. Using play may also still be helpful.  You could get a ball and throw it around the room for him to chase. You could also try getting a toy like da bird which would be useful in allowing interaction from a distance.  I still think it is possible that he is traumatized on an emotional level from the abuse and this is why he does not enjoy being petted or cuddling yet.  Play could be used to help build his confidence to interact with you other than just when eating. 

Two years, that is heartbreaking to hear.

I am not sure if you have an earlier thread on the site about your cat's behavior. If not you should start a new thread and instead of "Should i give my cat away?" put the cat's problem. Something like "Had my cat for 2 years and still wants to bite me". Maybe someone on here will have some advice for you that will help you break through to the cat. I am no pro when it comes to cat behavior but there are a lot of knowledgeable people that frequent this site.

If you haven't tried things like the slow blink it can't hurt to try. However, I would not expect you will see a result fast as I did, kittens are far easier than older cats. I would guess anything you try will take months of trying. Take catlover73 advice and whatever else you can get your hands on and apply lots of patience.

When I said I admire you a lot that was an understatement. I don't think there is a word to express the level of admiration I have for you.

to me this is normal.

He is an abused being.

It all sounds very much like abused children and children who have been in foster care most of their lives, bouncing from one unloving home to another, constantly being rejected.

They develop mechanisms, including distancing themselves from people, learning not to get too attached, because they learned that once they get attached - they get rejected and hurt. That's one reason why so many abused children/foster children have all sorts of emotional problems and attachment problems, including inability and/or difficulty of becoming close with someone, issues of trust.

This poor abused guy must be the same. 2 years is not a long time, especially, if his abuse was prolonged and severe.  It may take a lifetime for him to learn to trust again, and there is also a little chance that he may never become a fully cuddly type. Only time will tell, and he needs much more time than 2 years. Even working with abused children takes time, but at least with children we have the same frame of reference and same language that helps us explain things. With animals - we cannot explain anything to them. And that is why therapy for animals takes longer and healing takes longer, too.

He is a broken soul that needs help to heal.

The fact that he lets you get close and is overall not aggressive (a few scratches don't count ) may indicate that he is slowly warming up.

If you give him away, that may damage him further because that will be yet another rejection. All animals understand rejection and acceptance - that's why so many shelter animals, especially those who has been returned more than one time, often develop attachment issues and all sorts of related neuroses.

And for a cuddly companion, you could get another kitten as some already suggested. Just follow all the proper intro instructions to help them accept each other.

Just be prepared for the fact that they may not become best buddies, but may end up just tolerating and co-existing with each other (which is ok, too); and/or that helping the become buddies may take some time, too (maybe, even a year or so).

Of course, it is up to you, but if I were you, I would not give him away. I would accept him for who he is, just the way he is, especially because his current emotional problems are not his fault. You've received great suggestions already... maybe if you look at it differently - not what you can get out of this relationship, but you could help this abused guy get out of this relationship - healing, acceptance and love  - something he never knew.

Just sit in the room with him, talk to him gently and softly, help him feel accepted and loved. Let him come to you, on his own time and on his own terms. I am quite sure he appreciates your care, but animals do not always express it the same way, and issues of trust are separate from feeling appreciative even in people. 

Trust is a fragile thing, and when broken it may take a lifetime to heal, especially, when broken into million pieces as it happens in abuse.

If all you could do is help him feel some degree of permanence, security, peace and acceptance (no more rejection, no more any of that) - that will be huge.

Caya said:

 
Thank you a lot for your answers. Most people thought that i have had him for a short time, but actually i think i've had him for about 2 years. I don't  think he is scared. He doesn't hide or anything, he simply doesn't want me to get close to him, unless i am giving him food. Maybe that's just his personality, but i thought i'd mention the abuse he got from his previous owner because that may be a reason too. I will probably keep him after all, i don't want him to die, and i will try to make him like me more.

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I agree with @Shane Kent  . You are this little guy's hero. 

Cats cannot be "made" to do anything. It has to be their decision. 

I know that that is hard to accept but the way I look at it is this: The fact that they are determined to make up their own mind and do things their way is just more proof of how really intelligent they are. I'd rather have a brilliant yet stubborn family member than one who blindly lives to please. 

Just hang in there. When introducing cats to each other, it is sometimes necessary to do a re-introduction if things go awry. This is normal. You could try to do this with him and you but in a different way. Act like he just came to live with you. When he is relaxing somewhere, just sit by him and tell him how you feel. Tell him that you really want to be his friend and that you want him to be happy. Tell him what a good boy he is. Read to him. I bought a few toddler books from the thrift store when Henry was in his safe room and I just read them to him. I would read them to him like he was a toddler. With every page, I'd stop, show him the pictures and explain what was going on. He looked at me like I was completely insane but at the same time, I think he enjoyed it as I could see some amusement in those pale green eyes.   

He may never be a lap cat but that's OK. A lot of them aren't. They are just like us. They all have their likes and dislikes and little quirks. 

Thank you for sticking with this little boy. He is very lucky to have you and even though he's having trouble expressing this, I believe that in his heart, he knows. 

How about a picture of him?? 

Kat0121 said:

 
You are this little guy's hero. 

Cats cannot be "made" to do anything. It has to be their decision. 

 
He may never be a lap cat but that's OK. A lot of them aren't. They are just like us. They all have their likes and dislikes and little quirks. 

Thank you for sticking with this little boy. He is very lucky to have you and even though he's having trouble expressing this, I believe that in his heart, he knows.  

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Exactly.

You are very aware of his problems and of the abuse. Not every person is. if you give him away, who knows in whose hands he will end up, and how many times he will get rejected because of his broken soul. It very well may be that you are the only person who understands the root of his problems and who can accept him and help him heal.

Maybe you should apply to Jackson Galaxy's show.  They are looking for people for season 8.  Here is a post copied from The Cat Lounge forum.   It was posted a little over a week ago.

Hello! I apologize for bumping up an older thread, but just wanted to say that I'm currently casting season eight of My Cat From Hell. We're looking nationwide for cat parents who are having trouble with their cat's behavior. If you are interested, or know someone who might be, please see https://mycatfromhell.castingcrane.com/ to apply!

 

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I completely agree with the combination of factors in his life that may be making him this way, and all the possible behavioral techniques other, wiser folks on here have mentioned that could possibly improve your relationship.

It bothered me that you seem to expect a payback.  It often doesn't work out that way, the same way as with human love/interaction.  Heck I spent a lot of money, sleepless nights, and heartaches over my child and often got a LOT of nastiness and rebellion in return during the teenage years.  Eventually I saw his true self.  I would think you would see this cat's true self with time and patience and love---if you have no expectations going into the relationship.  I often think of pets as children--they are innocent, do not know love, trust, hate, anything...until they are taught.  They only know how to be what they are and survive.  He may not be happy because he picks up on how you are feeling about him.   If he has an inkling that you just don't care, he isn't going to respond, and I honestly can't blame him.  I don't think I would like it very much to live with someone who thinks I am a burden, ugly, and suffers to be with me because of someone else's mistakes, and is thinking of getting rid of me to get a prettier baby kitty.  He doesn't understand this--but they do pick up on how people feel about them.  I've seen my cats react to people who don't like animals, one picks up on it strongly and makes it well known what he thinks of them too!

Two years is not that long.  I worked for a year and a half to get a feral into a member of my family indoors.  He still has some trust issues, and he had not been abused.  This little guy needs some extra patience and love, with no expectations of a return, until he is ready to say "Okay, I trust you, I'm yours".   And I hope you grow to love him enough to see past his issues!

There's some great ideas here. I'm going to suggest something a little weird. Modifying his behavior is going to take time but you can quickly up the satisfaction you get from him by telling yourself 'little lies'. Every time he bites or scratches smile and tell him thank you. Expand on how much you love it when he fights.  You'll build oxytocin, create a stronger bond, and can trick yourself into loving those love nips.... It sounds like you might like it some already though. lol

I know it's hard but please don't get discouraged. It's hard for cats to trust anyone when they have been abused in the past. There has been a lot of good advice here and I know it's a challenging situation, but I don't believe it is hopeless. Sometimes cats will come around eventually but it has to be on "their" terms. I've learned that if you let them be and let them come to you rather than trying to get them to like you and pet them when they don't want it is best to respect that they don't feel comfortable with that yet and let them come to you when they are ready. Some cats will never cuddle with you and some will always be picky about when they will let you pet them. Cats that were abused or abandoned are most likely to behave this way. I've found that many can be very affectionate though if you don't push it on them. I know it's hard, cats will remember their bad experiences for the rest of their lives and sometimes the bad experiences they are remembering and cause them to fear can be from when they were very young. The most important thing is to show them they can trust you.

I don't know if this will work but getting the new kitten might help as he'll see you raising a cat without violence and might show him that your trustworthy?

Caya said:

Basically i spend time and money on him and i don't receive anything back, excepting a few scratches and bites.

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This is not a business arrangement. Perhaps you grew up in a culture that encourages this (I did), but love comes unconditionally. A cat needs someone who can love him without any strings attached. Clearly you want to do right by him, but is perhaps frustrated by the lack of bonding. Perhaps you have some sort of expectation of what a could *should* behave like.

Sadly it doesn't work that way.

Others have given you great advice. I want to encourage you to drop any and all expectations about him. Cats are such individual creatures that there is no telling how they would behave.

Let me tell you about my kitty.

He was abandoned by his owner's family after said owner was critically ill. He roamed the streets as a stray until the shelter found him. For the first year after I brought him home, he would not let me pet or brush him for more than a few seconds. To approach him, I had to walk slowly and sideways towards him, because he would run away otherwise. For two years after that, he still would prefer to spend time in my bedroom alone, away from me, for many hours a day.

He's more approachable in the last year, but he still spends time alone. He doesn't sleep on my lap. He lets me pet him, but I still have to avoid sudden movements because that would make him run away from me. Yet anyone who sees him with me clearly can tell he loves me, and I him.

Give it time and lose all expectations. Cats have plenty of love to give. It's almost unheard of that a cat hates someone so much that they still do after 2 years.

I have a similar situation but not as severe. My cat Patrick came to me as a foster, he is black, neutered, now going on 5 years and has been with me for 2 1/2 years. I don't think he will ever be adopted out because he has not only a small heart murmer which many cats have but also megacolon requiring him to eat special diet food and MiraLax with every meal. So much for that.

Patrick had lived with a woman who was slowly loosing her mind and thus she had to get a care taker. This man was afraid of cats, he also walked with a cane. Whenever he entered a room and Patrick was in there the man would wave his cane at Patrick, frightening him away. We don't know for how long this had been going on but considering that Patrick was only 2 1/2 years old when he came to me it is possible that he had a cane waved at him for the biggest part of his life.

Eventually the woman passed away and Patrick needed a home. He went through several foster parents, never staying very long, I don't know why, eventually he was left at a vet's office where he was kept in a cage and not doing well at all. Then he came to me.

I have 3 other cats, One was 5, the other two were 13 years old when Patrick came.None of them was interested in Patrick and he was kept in a room by himself with food, water, litter box, scratching post, toys. I did not see Patrick for several weeks at all, just evidence that he was there because the food disappeared and the litter box needed scooping every day.

I finally looked for him and had to practically take the room apart to find him. He was between the upper and lower mattress on a daybed with a trundle underneath. Wads of his longish fur was caught in the springs of the upper bed, that's how narrow that space is. I fixed it where he could not get in there anymore, also underneath the bottom bed and both sides and behind. Still could not find him, he was hiding under the covers of the bed. This was one scaredy cat. He would run from me, hide under the covers and if I picked those up would cower and act as if I would beat him. I could reach out and pet him, scratch under his chin but he never purred, just made these little noises halfway between a meow and a chirp and he never would let me pick him up.

Eventually I let him out of the room, it took him a while to get used to that idea, the other cats ignored him. He found other places to hide under that were really too small for him so I blocked those places. There are plenty of acceptable places where he and my other cats can hide: cat beds, baskets, boxes, dining chairs when they are not being used, I wanted him to get used to the idea that there was nothing ever going to come at him  that would frighten him and that it was ok to come out. He also discovered the top shelf of the cat tree where he can survey most of the place. Since he did not want to be picked up I gave that up, I let him do what he wanted to do.

Only in the last six months has he come to the point where I can pet him, now he can't stand for me to leave, he chirps, begging for more pets, even exposes his tummy for me to pet him there, he wraps his legs around my arm so I can't stop and all the while he purrs like mad. But I still can't pick him up.

He only uses the one litter box that is in "his" room and he gets fed there too so the other cats don't eat his food. If he is not finished eating his dinner I will almost close the door so he can finish during the night, he knows how to open that door but the other cats have not figured out how to open it from their side, so he comes out sometimes during the night. He has claimed the daybed to be his and looked with a jaundiced eye when he found one of the older cats sitting at one end of it

He has sort of made friends with the younger cat so that they sometimes chase each other around and he sometimes has the zoomies. He loves the catnip banana and sometimes plays with the round thing with the balls inside, and of course DaBird.

When two years had passed and there still was little progress I thought he would always be that way. But now there has been a lot of progress in the last 6 months. I can now pass him without him running away, he will sit on the sofa with me or behind me, this morning I found the two buddies on opposite sides of me on the bed where I was sleeping, I have never seen Patrick on my bed before. I reached down to pet him and he purred. No running away but still not letting me pick him up. He has never scratched or bitten me, he just prefers to leave when something does not suit him.

I pay close attention to his reaction when I want to do something with him and will just back off if he doesn't like it. Getting him into the carrier to go to the vet is no problem, he cries loudly as long as the carrier is in motion but once it's in the car he's fine. I guess he likes for the carrier to be sitting still, not waving around.

By now I am used to him and I would miss him if he ever gets adopted, but I think the chance for that is slim because of his medical problem.

So, although you have had your cat for two years, perhaps you have gone about it not quite the right way. Give that cat all the space he wants, don't crowd him, he may come around yet. Patrick did and is still making progress.