My cat and my parents' cat won't get along

Their cat (Miss Kitty) came first. She's got to be at least 2-3 years old. My mom adopted her from the ASPCA when she was just a little kitten. From day 1 she's been a very shy, sketchy kitty. You can't reach down to pet her without her flinching or running away. I'm definitely not her favorite person, she mostly just tolerates me.

My baby boy (Mr. Sniffles, after his respiratory infection) came in to the picture last November (2015). I found him at my work. He was a tiny, feral kitten (all of the cats over there are feral). But he was so tiny, and so very sick. He had a horrible upper respiratory infection. Obviously, I couldn't just leave him. Though he was feral, he came to everyone at my work with this sad, "help me" look in his eyes. My plan was to take him to the shelter the next day, but my boyfriend and I fell in love with him in just 1 night. So instead, we decided to keep him and make a vet appointment. He got his meds, now he's a healthy, big boy. Personality is the exact opposite of Miss Kitty. He's very social, he loves being around people and very hyper. He also plays a little rough. He likes to bite (not hard, very gentle for a big boy). But he likes to pounce and ambush and then just run away. It's very cute.

Both cats are fixed, by the way.

He was living at my boyfriend's house for a few months. I would bring him over once in a while to meet my parents' cat, and it never went smoothly. But we tried to do it slowly, we didn't want to overwhelm anybody. Each day, we introduced them a little bit more, and it didn't seem to help. Miss Kitty just won't give him the time of day.

Around the beginning of March or so, there was an issue with where my boyfriend was staying, so him and Mr. Sniffles moved in with us. We would keep them separated, and never left them alone together. They are both inside/ outside cats. They do basically whatever they want to do, and are excellent hunters.

It's obvious that Miss Kitty is afraid of Mr. Sniffles. She will run and hide from him, which then excites Mr. Sniffles, and he chases and pounces the way that he loves to play. He does show dominant behavior over Miss Kitty, and has caused her to start spraying all over the house. He eats out of her food bowl, sleeps on and scratches her cat tree and uses her litter box. I separate them when they start fighting, I move Mr. Sniffles into a different room and leave him with his favorite toy. Once he has calmed, I will open the door and let him come out on his own time. I have tried the squirt bottle thing and it hasn't worked. I'm running out of ideas and methods, and I need help. Does anyone have any advise for me?

Thank you for saving Mr. Sniffles.

It is always best to go through the formal introduction process.

But given where things are I would suggest the following.

We need to build Miss Kitty's confidence. We want Miss Kitty to stand up to Mr. Sniffles and not act like prey. We do that through, play, food, height and love. I would really like to start getting Miss Kitty playing. Then feed either treats or her food (something special like a wet food or something). Also, if you can get Miss Kitty to watch Mr. Sniffles play that would be great. Also, we would like to get them to start eating their meals near each other. We want to have each cat associate the other with good things (like food and play). Also, is it possible to add additional cat trees? More places where each cat can go high? Also, add more comfy bedding etc. Places they can hang out. Finally, really give each of them love. Especially Miss Kitty. If you can get her to purr when Mr. Sniffles is around that would be great. Anytime they are comfortable and happy with the other around will help them feel more confident and secure.

If you see them starting to get into it then distract with play. Pull out a toy and distract. When Miss Kitty realizes that Mr.Sniffles is more interested in playing with a toy than with her she will feel more secure.

Also, you may want to consider doing some scent swapping. Get Mr. Sniffles scent on an old shirt and have it around when giving her love (getting her to purr) or where she eats.

Also, please have at least 3 litter boxes in different areas so they can use the litter box hopefully in peace.

Ideally we would go through the introduction process but they have already been exposed to each other a fair amount so going down this path might help (without taking territory away from them).

Since they also go outside they must be able to handle themselves with other cats so I would think they should be able to get along with each other. I really would like it if you could get closer to Miss Kitty. Feed her, give her treats, play with her and somewhere down the road hopefully pet there etc. If your boyfriend could get also that would be helpful. The more love cats get the more secure they tend to feel.

Feel free to ask any questions and hopefully we can get them to live together peacefully and safely.

CalicosRSpecial, thank you for your wonderful advice, you sound very knowledgeable.

Miss Kitty is a very difficult one to pay with. Nothing keeps her attention for very long (she's very prissy lol). We have tons of toys for her, and she's just not interested. Hunting is more of her Forte. She's constantly bringing home "food" for everyone. Mr. Sniffles, on the other hand, loves to play. We play around Miss Kitty a lot, and only seems to make her more nervous.

And as I mentioned in my original post, I'm not Miss Kitty's favorite person. She has never purred for me, even before Mr. Sniffles. She knows I won't hurt her, but she only comes to me when it's dinner time (it's my job to feed the pets). But my mom and dad constantly give her plenty of love, especially around him.

They each have their own cat tree. Mr. Sniffles' is in my room (where he sleeps), and Miss Kitty's is in the family room (where she sleeps). Do you think they really need more? We don't really have an enormous house, not much space for another one. During the day, they spend a lot of time outside. Both are free to roam around the whole house, where they will find plenty of comfy lounging spots, as well as the woods and neighborhood outside (we live in a very country area).

They can definitely coexist in the same room, as long as they're both sleeping. They seem just fine around each other, and have even been found sleeping within about a foot of each other. But as soon as Miss Kitty gets up and starts walking around, there goes Mr. Sniffles pouncing away at her. In your opinion, does that sound aggressive, or more playful?

I don't think you have to add another cat tree so please do not worry.

GREAT that they can coexist in the same room and that they sleep within a foot of each other at times.

You mention they fight. Please describe exactly how it comes about and what happens during the fight and then after. Any and all detail is helpful. 

Mr. Sniffles is a kitten with a ton of energy. I am guessing he just wants to play with her and that is what the pouncing is all about. How does Miss Kitty respond to that?

It makes it a little difficult since Miss Kitty doesn't play and gets nervous if she watches Mr. Sniffles play.

Really work on playing with Mr. Sniffles a lot and try to tire him out as much as possible.

Try to get them to eat together as much as possible. 

If you see Mr. Sniffles "go after" Ms. Kitty distract him with a toy.

We really want Mr. Sniffles to give Ms. Kitty more of a rest and give her more peace and a more confident and secure feeling. If we can get less Mr. Sniffle chasing I think it will be helpful.

Also, I would like you to get an old shirt and get his scent on it and have your parents have that next to them when they are givving Miss Kitty love I think that will associate him with good things (love). Also, getting them to eat together if possible would be helpful (and distract him if he wants to bother her). If not, have that old shirt with his scent by her food when she eats. Again associating his scent with good stuff (food). The more interactions without chasing, fighting the more secure she will feel.

Also, at your work are the ferals spayed and neutered? If not, please check with Alley Cat Allies and see if there is anybody in your area that can do a TNR (Trap Neuter/Spay/Return) so that the ferals stop reproducing and also have a healthier (shots) and safer life (less fighting when fixed etc). Most areas have TNR people.

How long has Miss Kitty been spraying? Any other change in behavior? Hiding etc?

Well, I believe that Mr. Sniffles is trying to play with her. When he starts pouncing, his claws aren't out or anything. But then Miss Kitty starts meowing and growling and hissing, as well as scratching and I've seen them rolling around and going at it really bad. When she runs, he will chase her and corner her when she has nowhere else to go. She then gets in defense mode. I've pulled clumps of her fur (she's a fluffy cat, sheds like crazy) out of his claws. I will use water to split them up, or if it's really bad I will risk getting scratched and just grab him, since he's usually on top. Yes, he's still a kitten but he weighs much more than her and is much stronger, and he knows it.

I tried multiple times yesterday distracting him when he set his eyes on her, but he gets too fixated. If he sees someone getting up to stop him, he pounces immediately and then it's too late by the time we reach them with a toy.

I will try the t shirt thing, and tonight I will try feeding them together at dinner.

Tiring out Mr. Sniffles is relatively easy. Since he is outside most of the day, by the time he comes in at evening time he's already exhausted. Sometimes, he won't even play with his favorite toys. He can be sound asleep, snoring and twitching and all; but once he hears Miss Kitty meow or jump down from her tower, all of a sudden he has this energy to go pick a fight with her. I believe it's because she's so easy (for him) to agitate. But really, at this point, the only way to stop him from chasing her is to hold him, or put him in my (our) room.

The first time we actually witnessed her spraying was maybe 3 weeks to a month after they moved in. March - April some time? I have yet to see Mr. Sniffles spray, but that doesn't necessarily mean that he hasn't or doesn't.

With the feral cats at my work, there's really no one to take care of that, so some of the workers take it upon themselves. My dad also works there in a different department. They set up traps and take them to the shelter themselves to have it done, the shelter then returns the cats back to the site. But everyone is busy a lot of the time, so not all of the cats are fixed yet. There were actually 2 more litters last year that I believe to be from Mr. Sniffles' mother. Those kittens were caught and taken to the shelter, hopefully to be adopted. I haven't seen them back.

This is sort of unrelated to everything, but I have to share how truly disguising some people are. There's a house behind my work building, where an older couple lives. That house, is the origin of all these cats. They started with just a couple, not fixed. Obviously, they kept breeding. And breeding. And breeding. And continue to keep breeding. They claim that all of those cats are theirs. When I found Mr. Sniffles, he would have died within a day or two. This was November, it was freezing. Especially at night. A couple of days after I decided to keep him, this lady had the nerve to come down to the office, and start asking around, looking for the "little black kitten". Needless to say, I gave her a piece of my mind. He was DYING. He was FREEZING. He was STARVING. This selfish woman cant take care of the dozens of cats that are there already, and she has the nerve to come look for a little kitten she wouldn't even let inside. I'm sure you know already how some people are. But I had to share, since we were on the topic of my work. This was already almost a year ago, and it still blows me away and hurts my heart. I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I left that little baby in the cold to fend for himself that night. I have no clue how or why they can do it.

Please feed them a little ways apart and even better so they can't see each other (at least for now). Maybe on each side of a door or something like that. We just want them to be enjoying themselves eating with the others scent around but not where anyone feels threatened.

Is there a certain area or corner that she normally gets attacked or cornered? If so, is there any way to give her multiple escape routes? Up high? Like tables etc.

Has her behavior changed other than the spraying? Is she hiding more? Avoiding parts of the house?

Can you get part of a cardboard box maybe 3 feet by 3 feet to block his view when he gets so fixated? I would like to use play instead but we may have to go this route.

I really want you to be careful about breaking up any fighting. Here is a link to an article.  http://www.thecatsite.com/a/how-to-safely-break-up-a-cat-fight

We need to build her confidence. Keep trying to play with her, try different toys. Hopefully she will play, if she does then feed after. Feed with his scent around, give her treats. have your parents give her love with his scent close by. Try to encourage her to go up on anything your parents will allow her to go up on. Height builds confidence.

Also not being chased will help her confidence. So any ability to distract him will be very helpful.

Also, make sure you clean any marking with the right cleaner.  Here is a link that should be helpful: http://www.thecatsite.com/a/how-to-remove-cat-urine

So glad you, your father and the other workers are doing your best to control the population.

I am so sorry about that woman/couple. I know there are some seriously irresponsible people out there and we have to clean up the mess they have made. I have tried talking to people like that but I have never had luck. I am not an expert on that but please feel free to post on this site and hopefully some good tips can be given. All we can do is our best and you and your father and everyone else is really doing great stuff.

Please feel free to ask anything anytime and let me know how things are going.

Other than the spraying, her behavior is the same.

And there is no particular part of the house, it's all over. Every part of every room and outside... I actually just split them up outside about 15 minutes ago. She took off running, he took off chasing her.

Everything would be fine if he wasn't so hyper. If he would leave her alone, she would be fine. But at the same time, I think if she were to stand up to him and not react the way he expects/ wants her to, he would stop.

Very good that the other behavior is the same. She is feeling territorially insecure. She needs to feel like she owns the territory still. He is scratching on her tree, using her litter etc. And she feels like "where is my place now?". We need her to feel like she owns some territory still. Usually I do that through play, food, height and love (building confidence). She doesn't seem to want to play and we want them to eat fairly close to each other and he goes on her cat tree. Is there anywhere that he doesn't really go but she goes? If so, give her some treats there and ask your parents to pet her and get her to purr there if possible. Also, try to keep distracting him if possible when he wants to chase/play with her and try to play as much as possible with him to tire him out.

When she runs away she resembles prey and of course that is where the chase happens. It can also be a play thing. We need to have her get confidence and to hold her ground. And we need to get him to chase less (which will also build her confidence that she will not be chased every time she sees him).

Yeah, he is just a kitten with boundless energy. You are so right, if he would leave her alone she would be fine. Or if she would stand up to him he would stop as it wouldn't be fun anymore. We want him to be playing with toys not his sister.

What puzzles me is you said she also goes outside. Are there ferals around that she sees? Usually cats outside know how to interact with other cats (known and unknown cats). So they get pretty savvy on how to handle a lot of different situations. 

How often do the chases happen?

Miss Kitty has never been hurt, correct?

There are other cats around the neighborhood, yes. But I don't know that they're actually feral. They are both actually scared of the other cats. They get chased back inside a lot.

Chases happen almost every time they are around each other and make eye contact.

Miss Kitty has never been hurt. But Mr. Sniffles has gotten some battle wounds, but he still doesn't learn. I find it almost funny that he's scared of other cats outside, but his sister isn't intimidating in the slightest way.

Ok, so before inside was her safe haven from the chasing outside cats and now there is a cat inside chasing her. It makes sense she is having some issues.

Are the chases always initiated by Mr. Sniffles?

Mr. Sniffles hasn't been hurt too badly, correct?

You may have to take a step back and start the formal introduction process. I say that because she may need a safe haven to rebuild her confidence given she isn't too into play. So to keep them separated and feed on each side of a door, and do the scent and site swapping and give her safety and to slowly warm up to him.

I am helping someone right now who is going through the same thing. New kitten wants to play but older cat gets annoyed and doesn't want to play but the older cat stands up to the kitten and they swat (without hurting each other). But the kitten doesn't get it that the older cat doesn't want to play. And even with a lot fo paly the kitten still wants to play with her older brother. But this person is not having the spraying and expressing the territorial insecurity that Miss Kitty is doing.

How have things been the past few days?