July 23, 2015: Sweet Gracie girl

It hurts to remember this day 1 year ago.  I had fought so hard to keep you here, to get you well.  I took you to one vet after another, yet you only got sicker.  I'm so sorry I ran out of money.  I'm so sorry those who had money refused to help.  May they reap what they sowed.  You didn't do anything wrong. You were such a good girl and a sweetheart from the beginning.

I first saw you only 3 days after Garfield died in 2004.  I had come out to start my car on one of the coldest mornings of that year.  It was something like 17 degrees.  You were coming down my walk.  When you saw me, you ran from me, looking back over your shoulder at me.  I put out some Pounce on the sidewalk for you, but you never came back for it that day.  



But you did finally, slowly warm up to me.  By then you and your six kittens were coming to my back porch for meals twice a day.  You and your kitties helped me heal from losing Garfy.  But I knew the day would come when I would lose you too.  

That day came too soon.  

I'm so sorry I couldn't fix what was wrong.  I'm so sorry I had to send you away.  I will never forgive those who failed both of us because they are not sorry.   I'll never forgive myself either for failing you.  

It is my hope that you still exist somewhere like heaven, in a place where there is nothing to fear, in the company of those who love you as much as I do.  More, even, if that's possible.  I hope you are sitting in Mom's lap, making dough, getting ready for a good snooze.  

I will always miss you sweet Gracie.  Tell my mom I will always miss her too.  I hope we will all meet again one day.  

Gracie IS with your mom. They are both happy and just as you envision them except they are having a chat about how much they love you. They are both watching over you...trust in that and trust that one day you will all meet again.
Gracie is grateful for your never ending love and the lovely life you gave her in this life.
Be kind to yourself ginny [emoji]10084[/emoji]️
[emoji]128149[/emoji]RIP Gracie[emoji]128149[/emoji]

Thank you for your kind words, @HelloMissKitty.  I appreciate it!

Please don't feel guilt over something out of your control. You might have had all the money in the world and sometimes it still cannot cure the incurable. A year is a long time to hold guilt and anger in a heart that holds your dear Gracie, she would be the last one to want you to be so sad when remembering her. She loves you too much and wants only happiness and  sunshine in your life, as you would want for her if you were the one to go. You had her in your life for over twelve wonderful years, try to celebrate knowing and loving her, she was in your life for a reason. You gave her love and a home, that is all she ever wanted and she loves you so much for it, and is so grateful for having you in her life.   She is at peace now, she and Garfield rests on the lap of your dear mother and the light from their beautiful  star shines down on you with all of their love and what comfort they can bring you. Let your precious memories of happier times dominate your mind, don't waste a moment of your life on should haves and could haves, they change nothing and bring nothing but heartache. Your sweet Gracie is with you yet, the bond you forged  will never leave you, use it to feel her love and know she is nearby, ready to listen to you  and  give you sweet kisses on the gentle breeze and warm your heart with the sunbeams that she sends to you with her love. My heart goes out to you, I know of your pain and guilt because I have gone through it too. It never leaves us, we just find a way to live with it  and forge a new life's order. You will be blessed for hurting so bad from loving so much, use that sweet girl's legacy of love to bring you happiness, your heart will heal in time and one day you will smile at your memories that now bring you tears. I'll pray for you both, please know you are not alone in your grief and what you are felling is perfectly normal.. because there is no 'normal' in the grief process, take care..... 

Because of you Gracie knew what it was like to be loved and cherished. RIP sweet girl 

This is such a hard month for you, I know.  Gracie was a very special girl and it's especially sad that you feel you didn't do your best by her.  I think all of us who have read your posts know you did everything you could and that is the most you can expect of yourself.  So many people don't even do that much. Gracie had a good home where she was well loved and treasured - this is a wonderful gift to a cat.  RIP dear Gracie.      

RIP little Gracie   You were a beautiful little girl and I'm glad you found some love and happiness on this earth.

Your message has made me cry.  Please know that sometimes even when you are willing to spend all the money you don't have (on cards) it still might not be enough. It's been nearly 2 years since we lost our Cindy. We spent so much and I would do it again, but in the end we lost her anyway.  There are always regrets, but you loved your little Gracie and I know that she knew it, that's what matters.  I think you'll see her again, and maybe she is still around you now.  Hopefully, the pain will get a little easier to bear.

@Di and Bob  thank you for you kind words.  You are right.  I sometimes try to comfort myself with the thought that all the money in the world may not have made any difference.  But the truth is  I'll never know if Gracie had something curable or incurable because I couldn't even afford the diagnostic procedures after 4 separate ER visits that same year - 2 for Nat and 2 for Gracie.  I will pm you the rest of the details if you don't mind.  I'm very angry still and have a right to be.  Not knowing still eats at me.  

@Zed Xyzed  thank you Eric for your kind words.  She was a sweet girl.  

@Margd  yes, July has been a hard month for me for the past several years now.  I will never be the same again without mom here.  I still haven't recovered from her loss and probably never will.  And that left me ill-prepared to deal with the loss of Gracie.  One down, five to go.  Ugh.  Life is just too painful sometimes.  I can't wait for this month to be over.  I don't need another reason to hate it.  Thank you for you kind words and understanding.  I still feel like I let her down.  If I could just go back, I know now just what I would need to do, but I can't go back

@Misty8723   I'm sorry I made you cry.  I'm also sorry for the loss of your kitty Cindy after having spent so much.  Like you, I too certainly do not regret spending on Gracie the amount that I did and would do it all over again.  I'm just sad that so many ER visits were needed within the first 4 months of the year that by the time Gracie really needed that money already spent, it was gone  This still makes me cry.  I was literally down to $67 when I made the visit with her to the Internal Med Vet.  There's more to the story, but I don't want to say in the open.   Thank you for you kindness, and sharing your story.  It does help.  

Please PM me with the details, the first step in healing a broken heart is to let some of that pain out to others, I'm willing to listen. 

Gracie knows you did all you could do and loves you for it. She is in Heaven. The same Heaven we people go to. Our animal friends have not the free will that we humans do so they get a free pass. They enjoy a perfect condition in a perfect place while they wait for us. Some folks choose their cats, but I believe that a cat that chooses you is the greatest honor in life. You are a special person who has received a special honor. Gracie is watching you and will help to send good things your way.

Thank you @Boney Girl Dad, I hope you are right that there is a heaven and that all our pets and the people we love made it there.  Thank you for your kind words.  I'm so sorry about your Boney Girl.  

The sorrow over such a loss never entirely goes away, does it? Gracie knew your love and understood that you did everything in your power to help her. RIP, sweetie.

Thank you, @jcat  no it sure doesn't.  I was just sitting here feeling like I didn't have one more tear to shed for Mom or Gracie (or Daddy or all my other dear pets), but honestly I should know better by now.  There will never be an end of tears to cry for the loss of someone precious, whether human beings or pets.  

ginny Your beautiful tribute to your sweet little Gracie made me cry right along with you. I can feel the pain you are still going through over her loss. I am truly sorry you are still in so much pain. It is so hard on us when those anniversaries and special dates come up. The pain comes along right with it. Yes, I do believe that your Mom is with your Gracie and they are both watching over you. They love and miss you just as much as you love and miss them. I believe my Mom is with my Mickey and they are watching over me. It is what helps me cope with their loss. I need to believe they are together. Also, like others have said, there are times when all the money in the world cannot save our loved ones (both human and pets). They are just too ill and there is nothing we can do. It is very heartbreaking, I know. You love your Gracie and she knew that. You gave her a wonderful life, and she loves you still. Be kind to yourself, and please take care!!

Thank you @Loving Mickey.  It's true that sometimes all the money in the world is not enough.  The thing that still bothers me is that I will never know if it would have helped or not because I couldn't get the amount needed to make a proper diagnosis. Two family members who could have helped, would not.  But they wouldn't help me with mom either, so that came as no surprise that they valued a cat less than their own mom.  With both mom and Gracie - t was a catch 22 situation where I could not work overtime to help pay bills and save money because every time I did, I had to take money out of mom's dwindling account to pay a caregiver - because the sibs were not willing to help out.  I was trying to help her save that money for her to live on.  It's complicated, and I've explained in much more detail to Di and Bob. The gist of it is this: it's really bad when desperate cries for help are ignored by supposedly religious people who practically live at church.  Yes, I'm bitter towards them.  They still are not sorry.  

ginny I can totally understand and relate how you are feeling. I thought I was the only one that had friends and family members like that. Those kind of people are just selfish and care only about themselves. For example, both my Mom and my husband were ill at the same time, back in 2011, both from cancer. I took care of them both. My husband was not able to work and thought his family or friends would help. No, claimed they were not able to. Also, he has a big family and was always there for them. Anyway, I don't want to keep going on, and make this all about me. Just wanted to let you know that I COMPLETELY understand your bitterness towards certain family members, and no they are never sorry. Luckily, my husband got well and is still doing well today. He is a strong man, and hopefully has learned about others. My Mom, not so lucky.
Just know and always remember, you loved your sweet Gracie and gave her a wonderful life. You always did your best for her, and she loved you for it. You also did your best for your Mom.
They are together and watching over you. They will always love you and remain in your heart.
Please take care! You can always PM me. I care and I am always here to listen!!

Thanks @Loving Mickey.  I'm sorry about your mom and at the same time so glad your husband got well.  I wish I could simply believe that they are alive somewhere in a better place like you and others are able to do.  But it isn't easy for me.   In a way I've lost my whole family now.  That is devastating.  The one person who held us together is no longer here and I refuse to play games with the sibs on their terms.  I'm better off without them anyway.  Right now I'm just down, maybe at some point I'll feel like talking more about it but not right now.  Until then thank you so much for the offer to listen by pm.  Hugs.

ginny I am so sorry that you are feeling sad and down right now. I hope I didn't upset you more by something I may have said. I never meant to pry or anything. I just wanted you to know that there are people out there that do care and understand. I don't believe that our loved ones are in a better place, the best place for them is to still be here with us. It is surely what we want and also what they would want. I only meant that they will always watch over us, and can feel our love. I won't keep going on, as I surely do not want to upset you. Please take care. We, at TCS, are all here for you, if and when you need us!!

@Loving Mickey  No!  You didn't upset me at all!  I'm already upset and so it's a good thing to let this wound drain, so to speak.  Thank you for your concern!

ginny Thank You so much for assuring me that I didn't upset you. I was feeling so bad , thinking I may have caused you more pain. I always try my best to help, and I would never want to hurt or offend anyone. Yes, your hurt needs to heal and it will in time.
Just give it time.
Hugs to you and thanks again!