I think I broke my cat's heart

Dear all, I really need your help. So sorry for the wall of text, but I hope you will read this! 

My little male cat, Ham is being all depressed. He's 1 years old and he's not neutered (indoor cat). Me and my boyfriend were gonna neuter him when he would start spraying, that hasn't happened though. 

On to the problem. Two weeks ago we went to the pet store and got a little bit of cat nip, since our other cat, Finn (neutered), was being stressed and we wanted them to play together and have a nice day. And they sure did! It was so fun to see. 

My boyfriend usually empties the cat litter in the evening, but that night for some reason he forgot. I woke up to both cats meowing constantly, and I figured it had something to do with the cat litter. I was about to get dressed, when little Ham peed in our clothes. He accidentally stepped all over the pee and started walking all over the house. I clapped loudly to get them out of our bedroom, where the incident happened because they didn't want to get out, and I had to clean up the mess. I really regret clapping now. 

I cleaned everything, but our home still smelled like strong pee, and we saw small wet paw marks all over the floor. Little Hammy was hiding in the basement and me and my boyfriend agreed that we had to clean his paws, otherwise he would walk all over the place with pee on them. I let my boyfriend pet him and tell him everything was okay, but the little guy was so scared. I prepared a bowl of warm water with a little cat shampoo in it. Obviously he hated the water, but we had to hold him still and wash all paws, and when we were done we let him go.

He ran up to our bedroom and stayed under our bed for the rest of the day. He didn't come out till we had gone to sleep. I figured it was normal, since he was probably a bit sad. I gave him space and time and slow blinked at him whenever our eyes would meet. 

The next day he came out in the morning for a bit, but as soon as we got out of bed he cowered and ran under the bed again. He stayed there the rest of the day as well, only coming out at night around 10 PM to eat a little. As soon as we see him out we greet him, and as I was trying to pet him, he runs under the bed again. This routine would repeat itself for a few days. During that time we found out that Finn had fleas, so we had to give them both medicine and wash blankets and stuff they nap on. We had to get Ham out from under the bed. It's so strange because he would purr and blink at us and we could pet him fine under the bed. But as soon as he gets out, he gets all freaked out. 

Then he chose our closet for a hiding spot to sleep in all day (for 3-4 days) and now it's a cat tree with a little house that he's hiding in all day. He's sleeping while he's in there, and when we go to pet him, it takes a while for him to warm up and purr, though it does happen. 

Also he just refuses to play. He finds no interest in strings and toys (he used to go crazy over those) now he just looks away. 

I've already taken him to the vet, and he got a check up and everything was fine. The vet recommended some cat oils with pheromones I could spray in the house, so I'll try and get that soon. 

What do you guys think I should do? Should I leave him be the whole day, or should I try to interact with him? He doesn't look like he's terrified, just really submissive and depressed. Like he has no confidence. 

Thank you so much for reading all this! I miss my little Hammy.

Lana

Hello ,
Thank you for taking the time to detail your cats problems.The good thing is that the vet has said Hammy is fine health wise which is the main thing. Maybe you just spooked him a little when you clapped at him. You have given him a safe haven and a happy home and he knows this. My advice is to give him time, give him space and he'll come round in his own time. I know its hard not to worry, Martha my little girl is my life so I know just how precious our feline friends are. Hammy will be your friend again soon but on his terms. Relax and let him come to you at his own pace and soon you're have your special furry friend back [emoji]128570[/emoji]

Some comments.  Its apparently hight time to neuter him - his pee being smell strongly...

Next, when they meow - please clean our litter, or else - do it ASAP, dont think twice and get dressed first...

Third - it may be wise to have two different  litters.  Even if itsnt necessary, they will appreciate this.

Its possible his somewhat overdone reaction is connected with his manhood.  Here he was, intact male, practically the revire holder, and suddenly - someone demonstrates her supremacy, and loud and clear declares he is not at all the revireholder, he must be happy to be tolerated...

Also, fertile males do tend to get depressed at periods.

So its another good reason to haste on his neutering.

Good you went to the vet, it was my first reaction too, so you are sure this wasnt really any sickedness...

I agree there are several tricks to test.   A Feliway adapter is one, but there are others too - I suppose your vet mentioned it.

Perhaps calming music...

You talking a lot to him in a friendly tone... Get low to his level, or let him lie on the sofa, and talk friendly... sing if you wish...

He's scared and unsure of himself. He had to pee in a spot he really didn't want to and when he did, the one he loved the most made a frightening noise and was angry. Then he had his paws washed in the dreaded water, held down against his will, and THEN the flea treatment, no wonder he is so upset! Cats hate change, and all these changes upset his routine and are more then he can take right now.  AND his hormones are waking up and making him nervous to get out and seek what he doesn't even know he wants. Neutering is definitely the best thing to do right now, he'll be back to his old self in one day, all of mine were. If you wait until he starts spraying, the chances are he won't quit when he is neutered. He will get MUCH more aggressive and will try to get outside every time the door is open and yowl constantly until it is. The peeing on your clothes will continue as marking his territory, so will your walls and furniture, I have had many intact males and have not seen one of them not do this, some just take longer then others.

As for his hiding, once again his hormones are going wacky, but now time is on your side. He will come around, he has been truly frightened by all these new happenings and doesn't know how to handle it. Patience, leaving treats, and soothing words will bring him around eventually, please keep us posted on how he comes along, and bless you for giving these little souls a home and family and being concerned for their welfare!

Di and Bob said:

He's scared and unsure of himself. He had to pee in a spot he really didn't want to and when he did, the one he loved the most made a frightening noise and was angry. Then he had his paws washed in the dreaded water, held down against his will, and THEN the flea treatment, no wonder he is so upset! Cats hate change, and all these changes upset his routine and are more then he can take right now.  AND his hormones are waking up and making him nervous to get out and seek what he doesn't even know he wants. Neutering is definitely the best thing to do right now, he'll be back to his old self in one day, all of mine were. If you wait until he starts spraying, the chances are he won't quit when he is neutered. He will get MUCH more aggressive and will try to get outside every time the door is open and yowl constantly until it is. The peeing on your clothes will continue as marking his territory, so will your walls and furniture, I have had many intact males and have not seen one of them not do this, some just take longer then others.
As for his hiding, once again his hormones are going wacky, but now time is on your side. He will come around, he has been truly frightened by all these new happenings and doesn't know how to handle it. Patience, leaving treats, and soothing words will bring him around eventually, please keep us posted on how he comes along, and bless you for giving these little souls a home and family and being concerned for their welfare!

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@looks like you got some good advice I too took the time out to read what you had to say about your hammy and feel for both of you although I have no more advice then you already received I would like to know how the little guy progresses so keep posted

Unfortunately, this is something that will just take time and a lot of patience. I would feed him his favorite treats, create safe spaces, and try to accommodate him until he feels safe again. Retreating to under the bed is a method of creating a safe, small space in a controllable environment. If possible, sanction off a small room, cat proof it, add a cat tree, his food and water, his litter, and some toys. Create a safe room and add a baby gate or a pet tent. Interact with his slowly in the room and then work to expand his territory as he regains confidence. This procedure is often the same for any new kittens/cats added to a household.

This enables Hammy to regain a sense of territory, feel confidence in a space, and then work up to prolonged interaction. Work on his time, which is frustrating, and not yours. I understand the want for cuddles and love from your companion. My heart goes out to you. A soothing, friendly voice does wonders and if you're nervous or uncomfortable, your boy will pick up on that!

The above members have also given great advice.

Please keep us posted,

Beth

Dear all,

Thank you so much for your amazing advice and kind words. Before I left, I put on some soothing music and left for work. Just got home now to Hammy eating and being outside his safe space! He still seems a bit timid, but I've been calmly talking to him and I gave him a treat that he loved. 

I have been reading your advice on neutering him, and I will get an appointment tomorrow. I was just worried that it might traumatize him even further. I will make sure to keep you updated! Thank you so much!

Lana

I always get sick to my stomach when I neuter another cat, I always think of the worst.But even two days later and everything is back to normal, and their life is SO much better, it is worth it. I wouldn't recommend a 'collar' after surgery either, I have never used one and have had no problems. I think it just traumatizes further. If you could see these poor feral toms that are missing ears and eyes from fighting, and what kind of horrible life they have with all their wounds and abscesses, you have to believe it is for the best, and it is.Of course my husband always tells them to RUN!!!!  He even tells all the outside cats there won't be any Christmas this year because I took all the ornaments!   All the luck!

Dear all

I'm writing this with happy sleeping on my chest. You won't believe it. He just came back from the vet yesterday after getting neutered, and I was so worried that he was gonna be traumatized. But he is handling it like a champ! Poor thing is following me around everywhere and asking for pets. He's been sleeping next to me all night and purring. Yesterday he was obviously very exhausted from all the medication, but today he seems very happy and relaxed. 

I just want to thank you all for your advice, I'm so happy we were able to help the little guy. Here's a picture of Hammy being Hammy. Many hugs to all. 

How lovely to hear, @Lana Hamio  

Keep us updated.  Perhaps you would like to introduce Ham and Finn in our New Cats on the Block forum.