Still haunted by the last minutes ...

I know I made the right decision to put my cat to sleep almost 2 weeks ago, that's not what haunts me. He was going through heart failure and 17 years old. He was "off" - I don't even know if he knew who I was - and it breaks my heart still that in those last minutes he didn't know how much I loved him. I told him over and over, not just then but a zillion times over the years, but there's something unbearable about him dying without knowing in the last moments.

Also, when the vet came to euthanize him he was hiding under the bed where he'd spent the night. The vet's assistant went to get him, and I don't know why I didn't have the presence of mind to say I would get him, so he wouldn't be scared by a stranger pulling at him. When she brought him in the room he peed, which I assume was from fear, and I think I should have asked for a few minutes alone with him before they gave him the tranquilizer. It was all so fast.

I know the decision was right, but how I handled/didn't handle things just keeps bothering me. I feel like I let him down in those final moments.

B brokenheart

I was crying as I was reading your post. My heart is truly breaking for the pain you are feeling. Just know one thing, you did NOTHING WRONG. You loved your kitty with all your heart, and please believe me, he knew that. You gave him a wonderful life and safe home with plenty of love for 17 years. Please cherish those years and all the happy times you and your kitty shared together. Nothing, not even death, can take those happy memories away. We all regret the things we do at the end of our special kitty's life. It is understandable, since the last thing we want is for our kitties to ever leave us. Don't ever doubt for a minute that your kitty wasn't aware of your presence at the end or that he didn't know how much you loved him. He DEFINITELY knew! I only hope, in time, that you can think of your sweet kitty with more smiles than tears. I am so truly sorry for your loss!
RIP Sweet Kitty!
You were so loved and will never be forgotten!

What you are going through is called grief. When you love someone as much as you did, it is normal to feel anger at ourselves and guilt over those last moments. We humans tend to go back over the past and want to change the outcome, that is something that cannot be done but we try anyway and it brings nothing but heartache and guilt. We can never change the past, no matter how much we would like to, and somehow stumble through the present until we learn to live with ourselves and the decisions we made. You stated yourself your sweet baby was told a zillion times how much he was loved, and more importantly, he was shown through your actions and the home you gave him.  He knew subconsciously that he was loved, he may not have been able to show it, but it was there.  You gave him 17 years of yourself, that is all he ever wanted , you could have never let him suffer from something that was bringing him such fear and confusion. From an outsiders perspective, you did everything right. A few more moments would not change the outcome and only prolongs it, letting us build more doubts and fears. Try to purposely not dwell on the end, it only brings heartache and serves no good purpose. You knew that sweet baby for 17 years, concentrate on how much he brought into your life, he was in it for a reason and it is still better to have had him in your life then to have never known him at all. He is at peace now, let your memories of happier times give you comfort, he would NEVER want you to be so sad on his account, he loved you too much. You would never want him to be sad for the rest of his life if you were the first to leave, so honor his memory and do no less then he would for you. Do good things in his name, it will help you to feel better about yourself, pay for the adoption of a cat in a shelter for someone who can't afford it, bring food and litter to a shelter or pantry and do it all in his name, he deserves to be remembered for the good he brought to you. I'll pray for you both to find peace, please know you are not alone in your grief and we will help in any way we can. Take care of yourself, he wants only the best for you........RIP precious angel, you will be forever held in a loving heart and will never be forgotten!

Thank you all so much for your very kind and thoughtful words. I know it will get better - I've been through this before - but in the initial, overwhelming grief it always feels as if you will never feel any way but this. He was the world's sweetest cat. I'd had him since he was 5; he was a rescue. 

Oh Lord, my heart breaks for you.  I think your kitty knew how much you loved him, and I really do think their souls survive and you should watch for signs from him to you.  Maybe you've already noticed something but discounted it.  It sounds as though the vet who did it wasn't the most compassionate person of she would have given you time alone with him. I know mine gave us time with Darcy both before, during, and after. 

I am certain that he knew he was loved, he might have not showed it, but in is heart I am certain that he knew it. I am so sorry for your loss. What was the sweet boy's name. 

Zed, his name was Malcolm. Misty, it may been because the vet came to my home to euthanize him. When my cat was euthanized in 2007, he was already at the animal hospital. I was picking him up to take him home to die (vet thought he had a little more time) but he started actively dying right there. They let me sit with him for an hour before (the vet gave him an injection so he wasn't in pain) and I sat with him for two hours after. With Malcolm, there was no way the vet could have waited around that long, and I think it would have been too much for me to carry his body there later. And I had already been with him all the day and night before. I just wish I had asked for a few minutes after they laid him down, before the injection, in case he was scared, which I worry about now since he peed..

RIP sweet Malcolm you are loved and always will be