I Forgot How Bad It Hurts

Yesterday, I lost my first cat since 2007. He was 17 years old, and seemingly fine, his usual loving, playful, food-and-treat-loving self, and on Tuesday night, in a second he changed. It was like he wasn't "there" any more. I thought he had a stroke. Then he seemed to come back a little. That was at night, so the next morning I took him to the vet because he seemed off again and wouldn't even eat treats, his favorite thing in the world. The vet diagnosed him with congestive heart failure. I was in such shock I couldn't bear to put him down then and there, so the vet told me to take him home and have some quality time with him and let me know when we were ready. He remained in his "off state." He hated me giving him meds (he was always so easy to medicate; this cat was an angel, I think.)He was hiding under the bed, so that night I slept on the floor holding his paw. On Thursday morning, when he wouldn't eat food or treats or drink water, I called the vet and she came a few hours later and euthanized him.

So now the awful Monday morning quarterbacking: Was I terribly selfish to bring him home for one more day? I don't think it mattered to him at that point where he was as long as he could hide. I've had other cats who seemed emotionally connected till the last moment, but he was gone. And then, stupidly,I feel guilty the other way - like should I have given him another day to be home where he could listen to the birds outside?

I forgot how hard it is.

   I am so sorry for your loss. Sleeping on the floor holding his paw was a beautiful thing to do for your special boy. You showed true love and courage when you called the vet over to give your cat a compassionate, peaceful, dignified passing. I doubt that one day "extra" would have been enjoyable for him. The extra day that you did give him sounds like that was about all he could tolerate but it did give him one more day to know how much you treasured him.  I lost my 16yo cat (whom I had for 14 years) earlier this week and it has been tough - passing by the canned cat food section this evening was brutal. My prayers that those same memories which right now bring tears to your eyes and pains to your heart will someday bring smiles to your heart and soul. Your dear cat is now part of something bigger and better than you or I can imagine, I am sure of it! When my beloved Joey passed on Dec. 19, 2009, I was so devastated and inconsolable until on Dec. 31 of that year, I was on a road trip from the High Sierra to Las Vegas and I saw the most incredible sunset that lasted for a couple of hours - then I knew that Joey was part of something bigger and that he is okay. I still cried because I missed him so much but not because I was worried about him. My prayers are that you, too, get a sign that your boy is okay now and will be waiting for you on the Other Side of the Bridge someday, for a forever reunion. 

The second guessing, all those should haves, could haves, are a part of the grieving process. Even when everything humanly possible (and more) is done and the loved one dies peacefully, they still come around to haunt us and to bring us doubt and pain.  Under the stress of the moment sometimes we make decisions that later come under scrutiny, but know in your heart that everything you did you did out of love. Somehow you found the strength to end the pain and fear that your beloved boy was having. Try to convince your mind that what he was going through was irreversible, he was at the end of his life and was not going to get better, it was time. You know in your heart it was time, there was no way you could let someone you love so much to  to linger on in fear and pain. Now you are feeling the guilt and all those hurtful feelings because you are suffering, there is a huge hole in your heart, and the loneliness in your home is unbearable.Time is the only thing that helps, give yourself time to absorb all these new changes and to learn to live with them.Hold on to the known facts, your sweet boy loved you so very much and you loved him in return. You gave him a home for 17 wonderful years, that is a long time in cat years. He brought so much into that home, beautiful memories that can never be taken from you or ever replaced. He was a rare jewel that brought as much into your life as you brought into his. Now is the time to mourn, he deserves that, it is a great loss you have experienced. But he would not want you to be so sad forever, he would want you to go on with your life and be happy again, just as if you were the one to leave and how you would want him to spend his remaining years. You need to have your pain validated to begin the healing process, we can do that. We here at this site know the pain you are going through, we have been there, and if not will be eventually and will need help too.  I know of your pain, it changed my life and will change yours too,  it is up to you on how you will change your outlook. My heart goes out to you, please know I would change things if I could, but that is not a choice, we can not change the past only form the future with what we are doing in the present. Take care and know we do care with you, you are not alone in your grief, we will cry with you........

I am so sorry for your loss, holding his paw was such a beautiful gesture I am certain he knew how much he was loved and how special he was to you. RIP sweet boy you will always be loved 

Thank you, everyone. You are very kind.

There are also those small nagging thoughts that torment: Was there some small, early sign I should have noticed?

I try to tell myself, in human years he was 85, even though he always acted just like the day I brought him home. (Well, a week after I brought him home when he was 5, a rescue. He was scared and hid at the beginning.) But maybe there was something - and these thoughts just haunt me. I know they'll pass - like with my cat who died in '07 (but whom I still can't talk about to this day. I still  can't even watch a video I made of him before he got really sick.)

Catsknowme - I'm so sorry for your loss, too. 

You always have those worries - did you let go too soon? Hold on too long? But as the others have said you did everything you can and he would have known how much he meant to you. So sorry for your loss. 

Brokenheart said:

 
Yesterday, I lost my first cat since 2007. He was 17 years old, and seemingly fine, his usual loving, playful, food-and-treat-loving self, and on Tuesday night, in a second he changed. It was like he wasn't "there" any more. I thought he had a stroke. Then he seemed to come back a little. That was at night, so the next morning I took him to the vet because he seemed off again and wouldn't even eat treats, his favorite thing in the world. The vet diagnosed him with congestive heart failure. I was in such shock I couldn't bear to put him down then and there, so the vet told me to take him home and have some quality time with him and let me know when we were ready. He remained in his "off state." He hated me giving him meds (he was always so easy to medicate; this cat was an angel, I think.)He was hiding under the bed, so that night I slept on the floor holding his paw. On Thursday morning, when he wouldn't eat food or treats or drink water, I called the vet and she came a few hours later and euthanized him.

So now the awful Monday morning quarterbacking: Was I terribly selfish to bring him home for one more day? I don't think it mattered to him at that point where he was as long as he could hide. I've had other cats who seemed emotionally connected till the last moment, but he was gone. And then, stupidly,I feel guilty the other way - like should I have given him another day to be home where he could listen to the birds outside?

I forgot how hard it is.

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I kept Kitten that extra night even when I KNEW. There isn't a perfect world. Just all of us trying to get through it the best we can. All of your emotions and reactions to the situation are normal.

I am so sorry for your loss

Brokenheart said:

 
Yesterday, I lost my first cat since 2007. He was 17 years old, and seemingly fine, his usual loving, playful, food-and-treat-loving self, and on Tuesday night, in a second he changed. It was like he wasn't "there" any more. I thought he had a stroke. Then he seemed to come back a little. That was at night, so the next morning I took him to the vet because he seemed off again and wouldn't even eat treats, his favorite thing in the world. The vet diagnosed him with congestive heart failure. I was in such shock I couldn't bear to put him down then and there, so the vet told me to take him home and have some quality time with him and let me know when we were ready. He remained in his "off state." He hated me giving him meds (he was always so easy to medicate; this cat was an angel, I think.)He was hiding under the bed, so that night I slept on the floor holding his paw. On Thursday morning, when he wouldn't eat food or treats or drink water, I called the vet and she came a few hours later and euthanized him.

So now the awful Monday morning quarterbacking: Was I terribly selfish to bring him home for one more day? I don't think it mattered to him at that point where he was as long as he could hide. I've had other cats who seemed emotionally connected till the last moment, but he was gone. And then, stupidly,I feel guilty the other way - like should I have given him another day to be home where he could listen to the birds outside?

I forgot how hard it is.

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No you weren't terribly selfish at all.  Euthanasia is irreversible and you just wanted to be certain you were making the right decision for him.  That's what a caring pet parent does.   I find it oddly comforting that the mortality rate down here on earth is 100% and no matter what we do, death will win in the end. Maybe not today or tomorrow, but some day.  I'm so sorry for the pain you are going through.  Hugs!

Awww im so sorry for your loss. I had to make the painful decision this morning to put my cat to sleep. Mine was 20 years old, kidney failure, he stopped eating, drinking too. I read that that was a sign that they want to go. I keep having fighting thoughts of what ifs and i dont think ill ever believe i did the right thing or maybe i was selfish to want him to lay very sick on his bed because i wasnt ready to let him go. Our pets become like our kids, its hard to learn to live without them but as i lay here crying and memories running through my head i realise we are lucky to have had them in our lives because the past 20 years with my monte in it was amazing. I feel blessed and so should you. We have angels looking upon us now, happy and not sick and they know we loved them uncondionally.

Mishii, I'm so sorry about Monte.

I've been through this before - unfortunately - and I can tell you that the Monday morning quarterbacking (should've done this, shouldn't have done that) of how we handled it is  normal, and usually the first, phase of grieving after the overwhelming shock. It WILL pass. At the beginning all we can remember is the last painful days, but that passes.

How CAN we let go of a beloved creature whom we'd spend a million dollars to have five more minutes with? The fact that you did is an act of love and selflessness. That's not an original thought on my part; I'll send you the link someone sent me that says it, very beautifully.

All we can do now is let time do its work. You have a partner in that.

Marian

Here is the link. I hope it gives you some comfort.

http://www.thecatsite.com/t/237066/when-the-moment-comes

I wanted to add something to this. We let Kitten go while a bit early. She was declining and there was virtually no hope. In all her life she had been loved and cherished and never known any unkind treatment. Her life up till the vet from hell had been one of a protected little princess. She left us sitting in her Daddy's arms purring and content. And while I still cry daily and beat myself up for not trying to do more I know in my heart I would choose the same path today. And that's the real test isn't it ? Knowing how it feels and knowing you would still do the right thing for our little loves.

You are so right. You said it all when you called her a protected princess, she will rest in peace, she definitely knew she was loved. She loved you way too much for you to be beating yourself up, my heart cries for what you are going through. Try to not dwell on the end, concentrate on the good she brought into your life. The 'Princess' is ruling her new kingdom now, she will always be in that special place in your heart. 

I'm very sorry for your loss. No matter what age our pets reach, it's terribly difficult to let them go, and there's no way to avoid the "what if ... questions/doubts. All you can really do is cherish the memories and know that you followed your instincts.

Di and Bob said:

 
You are so right. You said it all when you called her a protected princess, she will rest in peace, she definitely knew she was loved. She loved you way too much for you to be beating yourself up, my heart cries for what you are going through. Try to not dwell on the end, concentrate on the good she brought into your life. The 'Princess' is ruling her new kingdom now, she will always be in that special place in your heart. 

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The point is we do beat ourselves up with self doubt but you also realize you would do the same thing again. She was so relaxed and content and it happened so fast she could not have known we were killing her. We have to walk in another body to get through this kind of thing. And then later the emotional self doubt returns and drives you crazy.

I'm so sorry for your loss.  It's terribly hard to let go.  We all do the best we can.  You don't have anything to feel guilty about.  My prayers are with you.