Is it ever too soon?

Hi, I've arrived on this page out of total grief for the decision of putting my family cat to sleep. This is my first experience of such a wave of grief and guilt which many of you will share and I almost feel desperate that I made the wrong decision. Sawyer was a beautiful 7 year old who was a rescue. We took him on as an asthmatic when no one else wanted him. He was as many cats are a loving and affectionate boy who was such a character. He even was a cat who visited nursing homes with the charity as a Therapaws project. Sawyer has lived with my mum for most of the time but recently came to live with me and my two other cats around 3 months ago. He was being treated with his asthma with steroids and an inhaler.  The treatment of the asthma became the norm and vets seemed to say that it was managable, however long term steroid use probably wasn't healthy. 

Sawyer had a big problem of a build up of mucus in his lungs/airways. Even with trying the powders to break this down, he could never clear it.  He coughed more and more and the noise in his airways was very hard to listen to. Thick thick mucus which I prayed for a long time he would just spit out....but he never did.  Last week all of a sudden he had a attack unlike any other where he was in so much distress he went to the toilet and foamed at the mouth.  He had blocked airways with the mucus and in this situation the inhaler pretty much was useless.  We went in the night to an emergency vet and he had calmed down so just had a steroid shot and we were sent on our way. It happened again the next night.....so horrific it will be in my memory forever. I was 110% sure he needed to be sent to sleep, however when I went to the vet the next day they implied that he could get over it perhaps and suggested over night monitoring at a vet clinic. I did this....he was sent back to me yesterday with a higher dose of steroids.

When Sawyer wasnt having a coughing fit or deep breathing he was a happy chappy....playing with toys etc...but the coughing and muscus being trapped has basically been everyday. I have been so scared to leave him alone to even go to the supermarket.  I was the responsible carer for him as my elderly mother is ill and unable to take care of herself or any pet. 

I had no guarantees that the huge attacks would not happen again.  I would never forgive myself if he was choking and suffocating whilst I was at work. I adore animals and the distress would just be too much for him and me. Even last night I slept with him on the sofa and he cannot even have a decent rest without having to cough. Even just normal breathing for him normally included some sort of wheezing, squeeking or the grumble of liquid. 

I took the decision to put him to sleep rather than keep him alive with large daily doeses of steroids and sprays that ultimately would never clear the mucus - I feel a huge amount of guilt and my mind plays tricks that perhaps we could have just carried on but it was a chronic illness which must have been hurting him not to breathe properly. I am not an asthmatic so I don't know. Has anyone out there had this? 

The vet said this morning (the 6th one I have seen) that he might have had some other condition and i was doing the right thing - maybe she was just telling me that. 

I feel like I have let him down so much - he trusted me. I feel like a killer and maybe he should have been worse to take such a decision.  The only comfort I have at the moment is that I had him put to sleep at home with as little distress as possible. But the feeling of "what have I done" are at the front of my mind.  in this situation I dont think it would ever feel that the time was right unelss he was acting out of character, but he never did as he solidered on.  I would never forgive myself if he had an attack and I wasn't there and nor would I have ever get over that.  I suppose this illness is quick to pop up and when it does any outcome is possible.....it would be perhaps like roulette keeping him alive. Then again he was young and wanted to live and play and eat dreamies all day.....I've just taken that away. 

I feel that I completely failed Sawyer by choosing his outcome for him (ridiculous i know as he cant tell me what he wants) and would give anything for more time with him. Anything. Has anyone out there wondered if it was too early and if so, did you find some peace? My head says it wasnt too early....but my heart is broken and feels different. Looking for comfort that someone has had a similar situation.....

I'm so sorry for what you're going through.  From what you've described, it sounds to me like you absolutely did the right thing.  Not being able to breathe is one of the worst feelings possible - there is a terrible desperation that goes with it.   And you're absolutely correct that he could have choked to death while you were at work. By doing what you did, you spared him a lot of potential suffering.  Another point is that you mentioned he'd seen 6 vets.  That shows you tried everything, and I do mean everything, to help him.

It's very easy to Monday morning quarterback like this and a lot of us do it, but it only makes our own grief worse.  You made the best decision in a very difficult situation, a decision based completely on what was in Sawyer's best interest.  You have nothing to blame yourself for or feel guilty about.  People often say they would rather make the decision to euthanize a loved cat a little early than a little late.  

I know it's extra hard because he was so young and you feel it wasn't his time - that if only the asthma could be gotten under control, he would have been okay.  Unfortunately the asthma was simply too severe. This is not your fault.  I would listen to the vet who told you that you were making the right decision.

You need to be able to grieve your loss of Sawyer, without the added torture of self-blame.  Try to be gentle with yourself .  Grief is hard enough.  You loved your dear Sawyer and he clearly loved you back.  You gave him something every cat yearns for - a loving home and someone to take care of him when he was sick and in need.  

Everyone here understands what you are going through so please keep writing if it will help.

RIP Dear Sawyer.  You were greatly loved. 

That's amazing that he visited nursing homes. Very cool. He sounds like he was an awesome cat.

You didn't betray Sawyer's trust. Far from it. You let him pass with some dignity. It sounds like you tried a lot of different treatments and saw a lot of different vets...... I think all of us who have put down a pet feel like that though. Maybe there was another treatment we didn't know about or a better vet we could have seen. Cats are just so good at hiding any sort of pain or health condition. They can be in a horrible state and to us they seem relatively ok. I kind of had the opposite situation from you. When I put my first cat to sleep she could hardly walk anymore. It was kidney disease and it came on pretty quickly...but after I had her put down I still felt like I had waited too long and had betrayed a friend in a way I could never make amends for...I'm having a hard time finding the right words for this last part.......You did the right thing with Sawyer. Cats are just such majestic creatures. They don't seem to inhabit a world where the end is drawn out unnecessarily. Living in our world can enable that which can be good and bad at the same time....depending on each individual  situation...They're really is no right answer..... That's what I came away feeling at least...in my case. You give it your all..all the  treatments that are worth trying...which is exactly  what you did and in the end if your cat could talk he would have thanked you. No matter when you made the last decision. He knew you loved him.  That doubt you have shows how much you did love him. Believe me.

I think you should try to concentrate on the fact that you ended a world of fear and the never ending struggle to breathe. He had a minimal quality to his life that would have never gotten better and if he would have had a major attack while alone , the guilt would have been even worse thinking of what he went through while alone and terrified. What you are feeling is a normal part of the grieving process, and no matter how bad it is, we all feel guilt and remorse over what was decided.

You have shown through the pain in your post that you loved that little boy very much, and that is all he ever wanted in this life. He would never want you to be so sad when remembering him, he loved you too much to cause you any pain. Like all of us, you could not stand by and watch the suffering and fear that goes along with a condition such as his, your heart took over and took on his pain as it's own and let him find comfort and peace at last. He knows that what you did you did out of love, he would never hold that against you. He came into your life for a reason, and your life is richer because of it. You were strong enough to help him when he needed you, you were there to find him peace. Let the love you feel for him take over now, let him know that you will always hold him in your heart, that he will never be forgotten, this is what we all want and need on this earth, and it is in your power to give that to him. My heart goes out to you, hold fast to the fact that you did what you did out of love, that can never be wrong and he knows that. RIP sweet Sawyer, your star shines bright in the heavens while you romp across the night sky. Breathing strong and deep and playing like a kitten,  those left behind are missing you so much, but holding you dear in loving hearts forevermore!  

RIP Swayer.

You shouldn't feel guilty. Cats are very energetic and need oxygen in order to keep up their lifestyle. Can't imagine how he felt.

You tried your best to give him the best life under his circumstances. And I'm sure he was appreciated by that. He's in a better place where he can breathe and feel no pain.

Be happy and praise his life. Remember the good times and not the bad.

Nobody will think your a killer bUT someone with a good heart.

I can tell you honestly and with personal experience like so many here. Everything you feel right now is normal. You have landed in one the best places possible.

We really do know how you feel and weep with you.

@Emzie  - I am so sorry  you had to make that decision for Sawyer.  I'm in the process of going through the stages of grief for my sweet boy Simon.  I on the other hand nursed him until the end, and now I'm struggling with the thought did I kept him around too long.  My heart says I did the right thing for both Simon and myself, but my head makes me think otherwise.

I'm still trying to figure out what I've learned through my journey with my boy, and the only thing that keeps going through my mind which has been in a fog for the past 16 days is, YES, I did do the right thing. Only I know Simon and myself and what was best for him and what I was able to do for him.  I believe the heart right, and the mind plays tricks.  

So I will say to you, YES, you did the right thing for Sawyer, knowing your situation with him, not being able to be there 24/7 due to work, makes a big difference in your decision.  I know if you could have been there you may have spent more time with him.  But I truly think you did the right thing.  It would have been awful for your sweet boy to have an attack without his mommy around.  You being there with him made all the difference to him, I have no doubt in my mind and believe that with all my heart.

You know in your heart you did the right thing for Sawyer, don't let your mind play head games with the decision you were faced with making.

I'm finding out all too well, that the grieving process is strange.  I was having good days, and up until an hour ago I'm back to being sad.

As people have told me, I will tell you, let yourself go through the emotions.  The more you hold back, the more they flood your thoughts and take over.  I felt crippled the other day with emotion, and then I started writing about my boy and reading the responses from these beautiful members helped me beyond words.

For me it comes in waves of sadness.

And as I was told, it will be the silliest of things that will set you off and make you sad, or happy for that matter.  I had a little bit of a breakdown the other day when I found a whisker on the floor in Simon's favorite sleeping spot.

I find writing about Simon and sharing pictures is helping in the process.  Although I am finding it hard these past few days to write a tribute to him, the only reason being, my words will make it final and set in stone.  I think I'd like to be in denial for just a few more days. It's becoming all too real.

But... I will say, the people of TCS have been wonderful and do know exactly how you feel, and I think it helps us as I'm finding out writing this now, that sharing our stories of our loved ones and our experience's with grieving, is a release of emotions that we are feeling for our furry wee ones.

I hope this makes sense because my eyes are full of tears and I can't see...  Not bad, I made it almost 28 hours since the last waterworks.  

I know I speak for many, we'd love to see pictures of your sweet boy.  If you care to share, no pressure.  Again, so sorry.  Thoughts & Prayers to you.  RIP Sawyer

I am so sorry about your loss. My heart breaks for your loss and the pain you are in. Know that your actions were based on your love for Sawyer.

I'm very sorry for your loss of Sawyer. It's a very tough decision to have to make, and all you can really do is follow your instincts. Second guessing yourself is normal, but you know in your heart you loved him and did what that love dictated you do. RIP, Sawyer.

I am so sorry for your loss of Sawyer.  When you and your family took him in when no one else wanted to says so much about your character.  You have nothing to feel guilty about.  Please be kind to yourself; you acted out of selflessness and did what was best for Sawyer when he needed you the most.