Rules for Kitties
BATHROOMS: Always accompany guests to the bathroom.
It is not necessary to do anything. Just sit and stare.
DOORS: Do not allow any closed doors in any room.
To get door open, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws.
Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an "outside" door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow, or mosquito season.
CHAIRS AND RUGS: If you have to throw up, get to a chair quickly. If you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there is no Oriental rug, shag is good. When throwing up on the carpet, make sure you back up so it is as long as a human's bare foot.
HAMPERING: If one of your humans is engaged in some activity and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called "helping," otherwise known as "hampering."
Following are the rules for "hampering:"
When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted.
For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book, unless you can lie across the book itself.
For paperwork, lie on the work in the most appropriate manner so as to obscure as much of the work as possible. Pretend to doze, but every so often reach out and slap the pencil or pen.
For people paying bills or working on income taxes or Christmas cards, keep in mind the aim: to hamper! First, sit on the paper being worked on. When dislodged, watch sadly from the side of the table. When activity proceeds nicely, roll around on the papers, scattering them to the best of your ability. After being removed for the second time, push pens, pencils, and erasers off the table, one at a time.
When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be sure to jump on the back of the paper. Humans love to jump.
When a human is working at computer, jump up on desk, walk across keyboard, bat at mouse pointer on screen and then lay in human's lap across arms, hampering typing in progress.
WALKING: As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of the human, especially: on stairs, when they have something in their arms, in the dark, and when they first get up in the morning. This will help their coordination skills.
BEDTIME: Always sleep on the human at night so he/she cannot move around.
LITTER BOX: When using the litter box, be sure to kick as much litter out of the box as possible. Humans love the feel of kitty litter between their toes.
HIDING: Every now and then, hide in a place where the humans cannot find you. Do not come out for three to four hours under any circumstances. This will cause the humans to panic (which they love) thinking that you have run away or are lost. Once you do come out, the humans will cover you with love and kisses and you will probably get a treat.
ONE LAST THOUGHT: Whenever possible, get close to a human, especially in their face, turn around, and present your tail-end to them. Humans love this, so do it often. And don't forget guests.
TOO LONG IN RESCUE?
Your friends remark about your unique dog-fur seat covers.
A friend asks you if you want to go for a Sunday drive and you say you have to check the transport list first.
Your engine starts knocking so you pour a bottle of Rescue Remedy in the gas tank.
You get stopped for having illegally tinted windows and the officer does not believe those are nose prints.
You take your car to the car wash and ask for the flea bath.
You take your dog to the groomer but miss the appointment because your dog is still checking out all the strange doggie smells in your car and refuses to get out.
You sit down to plan your vacation and you begin dividing the route into legs.
You are pulled over for speeding and give the officer your rabies certificate.
You schedule your car's preventive maintenance at the Vets.
Your boss asks you to make his/her travel arrangements for an upcoming business trip, so you post him/her to all the transport lists.
You refer to your favorite Western Bagel shop as the Western Beagle Shop.
You open your glove compartment and all you have inside are three dog leashes, a hand full of cat treats, 13 dog biscuits, 1/2 bag of rabbit pellets, two Dog Breed Reference Guides, and a complete list of local Shelters.
You find that when other people bring out the kid pics and brag......you whip out the "rescued kids!" and brag!
You find that you literally start foaming at the mouth the instant you see an un-neutered dog/cat.
You find yourself not only petting your friend's dog or cat......but also doing health and temperament checks.
After you have health and temperament checked your friend's pet, you proceed to do a thorough home check!
Your "regular" friends refuse to answer the door, phone, or email because of the possibility (make that probability) that you need a foster or forever home for another beastie.
You go to call your best friend, and find that you have inadvertently dialed the kennel section of the Animal Shelter!
~~ Permission to share by Tina Haney
BATHROOMS: Always accompany guests to the bathroom.
It is not necessary to do anything. Just sit and stare.
DOORS: Do not allow any closed doors in any room.
To get door open, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws.
Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an "outside" door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow, or mosquito season.
CHAIRS AND RUGS: If you have to throw up, get to a chair quickly. If you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there is no Oriental rug, shag is good. When throwing up on the carpet, make sure you back up so it is as long as a human's bare foot.
HAMPERING: If one of your humans is engaged in some activity and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called "helping," otherwise known as "hampering."
Following are the rules for "hampering:"
When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted.
For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book, unless you can lie across the book itself.
For paperwork, lie on the work in the most appropriate manner so as to obscure as much of the work as possible. Pretend to doze, but every so often reach out and slap the pencil or pen.
For people paying bills or working on income taxes or Christmas cards, keep in mind the aim: to hamper! First, sit on the paper being worked on. When dislodged, watch sadly from the side of the table. When activity proceeds nicely, roll around on the papers, scattering them to the best of your ability. After being removed for the second time, push pens, pencils, and erasers off the table, one at a time.
When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be sure to jump on the back of the paper. Humans love to jump.
When a human is working at computer, jump up on desk, walk across keyboard, bat at mouse pointer on screen and then lay in human's lap across arms, hampering typing in progress.
WALKING: As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of the human, especially: on stairs, when they have something in their arms, in the dark, and when they first get up in the morning. This will help their coordination skills.
BEDTIME: Always sleep on the human at night so he/she cannot move around.
LITTER BOX: When using the litter box, be sure to kick as much litter out of the box as possible. Humans love the feel of kitty litter between their toes.
HIDING: Every now and then, hide in a place where the humans cannot find you. Do not come out for three to four hours under any circumstances. This will cause the humans to panic (which they love) thinking that you have run away or are lost. Once you do come out, the humans will cover you with love and kisses and you will probably get a treat.
ONE LAST THOUGHT: Whenever possible, get close to a human, especially in their face, turn around, and present your tail-end to them. Humans love this, so do it often. And don't forget guests.
TOO LONG IN RESCUE?
Your friends remark about your unique dog-fur seat covers.
A friend asks you if you want to go for a Sunday drive and you say you have to check the transport list first.
Your engine starts knocking so you pour a bottle of Rescue Remedy in the gas tank.
You get stopped for having illegally tinted windows and the officer does not believe those are nose prints.
You take your car to the car wash and ask for the flea bath.
You take your dog to the groomer but miss the appointment because your dog is still checking out all the strange doggie smells in your car and refuses to get out.
You sit down to plan your vacation and you begin dividing the route into legs.
You are pulled over for speeding and give the officer your rabies certificate.
You schedule your car's preventive maintenance at the Vets.
Your boss asks you to make his/her travel arrangements for an upcoming business trip, so you post him/her to all the transport lists.
You refer to your favorite Western Bagel shop as the Western Beagle Shop.
You open your glove compartment and all you have inside are three dog leashes, a hand full of cat treats, 13 dog biscuits, 1/2 bag of rabbit pellets, two Dog Breed Reference Guides, and a complete list of local Shelters.
You find that when other people bring out the kid pics and brag......you whip out the "rescued kids!" and brag!
You find that you literally start foaming at the mouth the instant you see an un-neutered dog/cat.
You find yourself not only petting your friend's dog or cat......but also doing health and temperament checks.
After you have health and temperament checked your friend's pet, you proceed to do a thorough home check!
Your "regular" friends refuse to answer the door, phone, or email because of the possibility (make that probability) that you need a foster or forever home for another beastie.
You go to call your best friend, and find that you have inadvertently dialed the kennel section of the Animal Shelter!
~~ Permission to share by Tina Haney
