Please help - boyfriend who is really trying

419superman · May 17, 2016

Alright, well i joined a cat forum today. Never thought I would do that - but I guess thats how life works sometimes.

My girlfriend just moved in with me - we have an amazing relationship. She had a cat before she met me (Emma), who moved in with her about 2 months ago. I've been reading on these forums since day 1, trying to figure out the best way to make the transition as smooth as possible. I've read about all of the playing techniques to try and "win" cats over, well Emma is the most skittish and anxious cat I've ever seen.

If i move wrong she runs. If I stand up, she runs. I can't move enough to play with her and her toys, she doesn't like treats enough to get anywhere near me...and she doesn't like catnip. She hangs out under the bed 95% of the day unless my girlfriend is home (if the GF is home, she will gladly come out to the living room and avoid me as much as possible). Whats weird is as soon as we lay down in bed, she will jump right up on me. She has no problem playing and letting me pet her. Her space under the bed has a comfy bed that I bought her and she uses regularly. She has countless toys and I'm the one who feeds her (even though she wont come out long enough to see that I'm the one feeding her).

I can deal with being patient and waiting for her to want to play with me on her own - but heres where the situation gets ugly.

When she first moved in, she used the litter box just fine (it was mostly at night, but there were zero issues). We bought a new couch 2 weeks after Emma moved in, it doesn't sit all the way up against the wall like the previous couch did. I thought that this would be a good thing as Emma now has a place to retreat to that isn't in the bedroom. For weeks she was just fine. I then found poop in my closet(wood floor), and pee by the front door(on a rug). I thought that this may be a one time thing as she continued to use the litter box days after. She then continually switched back and forth between the litter box, behind the couch, and other random places (by the window, fireplace, behind the tv) to her litter box (peeing and pooping) for no apparent reason.

My first thought was litter - bought a new box/litter and she didn't even touch it, but continued to use her normal box/litter most of the time. Emma then went from using the litter box with seldom accidents to never using it at all. I then took her to the vet (GF had a busy schedule so i had to take her, I tried to coax her out from under the bed but was met with nothing but hissing.) I had to chase her around the house which was traumatic for the both of us and I hated every second. She went to the vet appointment - no issues.

Other facts: There are no "low traffic" rooms in my house, i live in a 1 bedroom in German Village in Columbus Ohio (bed room is small, dining room and living room are fairly large). All wood floors - so it's louder than she is used to. I put the litter box in the dining room, you walk from the bedroom, past the bathroom and the apartment is split (can choose to go right to the living room or left to the dining room). I chose the dining room as we sit in the living room to watch tv after work and thought she would like a low(er) traffic area.

I've read that cats develop bad habits at times and need to be retrained. I brought her home straight from the vet and have her confined to a 5x10 foot section of the house with a cat tree (that she has never shown interest in), her bed, a blanket, toys, food, water, and a litter box. She used the litter box appropriately within a few hours of getting home from the vet. She growls and hisses when I walk by. I tried sitting in there with her and she cowers underneath the cat tree hissing and growling. I've given her treats that she ignores until i leave the room.

I had to grab a shirt from inside the closet (that happens to be in her 5x10 foot area) and she escaped this morning. She took off running and I again had to traumatically chase her and catch her and put her in the same area (she actually pooped all over me this morning once I caught her)

This is awful for me, and makes me believe that she is just going to hate me more. I have 2 feliway diffusers on the way from amazon. I want to move her litter box to a different location to see if that remedies the problem (moving it over to the end of the couch so she can walk behind the couch from one end and into the litter box on the other end), but I've read that you aren't supposed to move a litter box suddenly like that. Putting it in the bedroom is not an option because of space (even though I'm pretty sure under the bed/behind the couch is her only "safe zone")

Do I keep her confined for 2 weeks? Do i let her out and try multiple litter boxes? Please help.

2tatocatz · May 17, 2016

If there's no issues at the vet I wonder if it's just a behaviour thing. Cats get stressed really easily. Our cat was like you described, anxious, running, always cowering/hiding/hissing. It took a LONG time for my fiance to be able to approach him for pets, and even now sometimes he skitters away, but there's a 50/50 chance he'll roll over on his stomach to be pet. He also lays on both of us once we're asleep. I can reposition myself if he's laying on me, but if my fiance even twitches he'll run off. I think it's because he's afraid he'll be rolled over on. I honestly think he's just an anxious cat and the fact that my fiance is a tall, heavy guy scares him. He runs from me much less often, but if I approach him wrong he'll run and hide. He's a very loving cat though. It took time but he came around.

Unfortunately I don't have any advice for the other problems you're having... But please seek advice anywhere you can. /r/cats on Reddit might offer you some advice. I know it's hard and you might feel like your kitty doesn't love you and is miserable, but please exhaust all options before you consider, if you ever would, rehoming. Sometimes it's whats best for the cat, but often times it's just about trying new things and seeing what works for you. I've heard great things about Feliway for problems like this, have you looked into it?

talkingpeanut · May 17, 2016

419superman said:
Alright, well i joined a cat forum today. Never thought I would do that - but I guess thats how life works sometimes.

My girlfriend just moved in with me - we have an amazing relationship. She had a cat before she met me (Emma), who moved in with her about 2 months ago. I've been reading on these forums since day 1, trying to figure out the best way to make the transition as smooth as possible. I've read about all of the playing techniques to try and "win" cats over, well Emma is the most skittish and anxious cat I've ever seen.
If i move wrong she runs. If I stand up, she runs. I can't move enough to play with her and her toys, she doesn't like treats enough to get anywhere near me...and she doesn't like catnip. She hangs out under the bed 95% of the day unless my girlfriend is home (if the GF is home, she will gladly come out to the living room and avoid me as much as possible). Whats weird is as soon as we lay down in bed, she will jump right up on me. She has no problem playing and letting me pet her. Her space under the bed has a comfy bed that I bought her and she uses regularly. She has countless toys and I'm the one who feeds her (even though she wont come out long enough to see that I'm the one feeding her).

I can deal with being patient and waiting for her to want to play with me on her own - but heres where the situation gets ugly.

When she first moved in, she used the litter box just fine (it was mostly at night, but there were zero issues). We bought a new couch 2 weeks after Emma moved in, it doesn't sit all the way up against the wall like the previous couch did. I thought that this would be a good thing as Emma now has a place to retreat to that isn't in the bedroom. For weeks she was just fine. I then found poop in my closet(wood floor), and pee by the front door(on a rug). I thought that this may be a one time thing as she continued to use the litter box days after. She then continually switched back and forth between the litter box, behind the couch, and other random places (by the window, fireplace, behind the tv) to her litter box (peeing and pooping) for no apparent reason.

My first thought was litter - bought a new box/litter and she didn't even touch it, but continued to use her normal box/litter most of the time. Emma then went from using the litter box with seldom accidents to never using it at all. I then took her to the vet (GF had a busy schedule so i had to take her, I tried to coax her out from under the bed but was met with nothing but hissing.) I had to chase her around the house which was traumatic for the both of us and I hated every second. She went to the vet appointment - no issues.

Other facts: There are no "low traffic" rooms in my house, i live in a 1 bedroom in German Village in Columbus Ohio (bed room is small, dining room and living room are fairly large). All wood floors - so it's louder than she is used to. I put the litter box in the dining room, you walk from the bedroom, past the bathroom and the apartment is split (can choose to go right to the living room or left to the dining room). I chose the dining room as we sit in the living room to watch tv after work and thought she would like a low(er) traffic area.

I've read that cats develop bad habits at times and need to be retrained. I brought her home straight from the vet and have her confined to a 5x10 foot section of the house with a cat tree (that she has never shown interest in), her bed, a blanket, toys, food, water, and a litter box. She used the litter box appropriately within a few hours of getting home from the vet. She growls and hisses when I walk by. I tried sitting in there with her and she cowers underneath the cat tree hissing and growling. I've given her treats that she ignores until i leave the room.

I had to grab a shirt from inside the closet (that happens to be in her 5x10 foot area) and she escaped this morning. She took off running and I again had to traumatically chase her and catch her and put her in the same area (she actually pooped all over me this morning once I caught her)

This is awful for me, and makes me believe that she is just going to hate me more. I have 2 feliway diffusers on the way from amazon. I want to move her litter box to a different location to see if that remedies the problem (moving it over to the end of the couch so she can walk behind the couch from one end and into the litter box on the other end), but I've read that you aren't supposed to move a litter box suddenly like that. Putting it in the bedroom is not an option because of space (even though I'm pretty sure under the bed/behind the couch is her only "safe zone")

Do I keep her confined for 2 weeks? Do i let her out and try multiple litter boxes? Please help.

I'm so sorry this is happening to you and everyone is so stressed. My first thought is that she doesn't need to be retained. I don't believe she is not using the litter box on purpose, but rather because she is too anxious to get to it. For this reason, confining her and then chasing her down is likely making things much worse. I don't think you should ever pick this cat up if you can help it. She needs to feel secure enough to dictate the terms of your relationship, and she is obviously terrified.

Instead, I would go the calming route. Feliway is a good choice. You could also try composure treats, or even antianxiety medication.

mishicats · May 17, 2016

. I think it is great that you are trying so hard to work things out with Emma. How long has she been living in your apartment? What is your girlfriend doing to help solve the problems?

One thing I have to say is that cats REALLY don't like change. It sounds like she only lived with your girlfriend for 2 months and then they both moved in with you recently and then you got rid of the old couch and got a new couch. That is a lot of change in a short amount of time for a cat. They notice any kind of change. It can take a while for them to feel comfortable in a new environment so when things keep changing it can cause problems.

I know you are trying your best but you should never chase a cat. It totally freaks them out. As far as the litter box issue I don't have much advice. Just make sure that you clean up the areas that she went inappropriately with a good enzyme cleaner. You have to get as much of the smell out as possible. Also clean out her litter box daily.

Keep reading the advice on this site. It is the best. I am sure you will get it figured out. Best of luck

sayuriel · May 17, 2016

I know it's kind of elementary and common sense, but when you clean her messes, be sure to put the poo in the litter box instead of throwing it away/flushing it/etc. I'm not sure how old the cat in question is, but sometimes simple reminders like that can help with the use of a litter box.
And definitely (like Mishicat suggested) clean the litter box every day. One of my cats is a princess that stops using her litter box if she feels it isn't clean enough for her.
On the topic of anxiety, the princess I mentioned before hates anyone that's not me, my roommate, or my boyfriend. She hides when other people come to the house and refuses to eat or play until they leave. I don't mean to be a downer, but it may be that once the litter box problem is fixed you may find that you and Emma can only tolerate each other, instead you becoming a second owner for her, if that makes sense. I know it's not ideal, but some animals (especially cats, I find) can be extremely particular about who they get close to.
My advice is to leave her alone as much as you can, and when you do attempt to approach or interact with her, make yourself as small as possible. It took my cat nearly 5 months to approach my boyfriend when he was standing up.
Sorry again about the situation, I hope you find the help you need on this forum. Good luck and best wishes!

cocobutterfly · May 17, 2016

Lots of great advice here. One thing I can add is - DO NOT MOVE the existing litter box but ADD one more in a spot that is socially important to her. That maybe a spot where your GF interacts and plays with her a lot.

Our cat is extremely picky about litter, litter box and location. I've wrote numerous times on this topic that I'm really sounding like a broken record at this point. We tested out every litter and litter box on the market as well as different locations of the house. We have four litter boxes for one cat. She has her one favorite box in her favorite location, but she'll still use the others occasionally. As far as litter goes, she'd only go in boxes with Dr. Elsey's Cat Attract, so that's the only litter we're using now.

Btw, you're such a great sport for really trying your best. I can tell you mean well, and the cat will come around if you give her the space, freedom and patience to warm up to you. Some cats take longer than others, but it will happen. Keep in mind that you're probably 20 times her size. If I were placed in a new environment with a new creature that was 20 times my size, every small movement and noise would freak me out and make me hide under the bed too. And if he started chasing me? Man... I'd be a goner.

419superman · May 17, 2016

Thanks everyone. She's about 5 years old, lived at my GFs place for about 2 years and another place before that with the GF for 3 years. Moved in with me 2 months ago. Never had a litter box issue before. We have since let her roam free, added an extra litter box, calming collar and Feliway will arrive tomorrow. I try not to even look in the direction she is in if she happens to poke her head out. She's been under the bed since we let her out. Hopefully things get better.

419superman · May 17, 2016

What do you guys recommend the GF do to help solve the problem?

419superman · May 17, 2016

Also, in building her a "safe zone" Under the bed back by the raised headboard. Probably an intricate box lined with sound deadener, and carpet. And a level or 2 for her to climb up in. This way she will have a place to go that is much quieter, soft and warm.

cocobutterfly · May 17, 2016

419superman said:
Also, in building her a "safe zone" Under the bed back by the raised headboard. Probably an intricate box lined with sound deadener, and carpet. And a level or 2 for her to climb up in. This way she will have a place to go that is much quieter, soft and warm.

I think that's a great idea to make her space under the bed comfortable for now. If she doesn't already have a cat tree, then adding something she can climb up to get away from it all can make her feel safe too. Your GF could tell you if her cat's a climber. Not all are. Our cat is not, so we actually had to remove the higher shelves off her tree. They were just making her nervous.

419superman said:
What do you guys recommend the GF do to help solve the problem?

I think for now, you just have to give the cat some space and let her get used to the idea of living with you in this new dwelling. When the two of them are playing together, you can join them and watch along. What is Emma's favorite game or toy? For instance, the adoption group told us our cat goes crazy hunting and chasing toy mice, and it was no exaggeration. A few sessions of throwing and hiding the mouse and playing fetch with her, and she quickly bonded with us. But again, all cats are different so you just have to be patient and figure out what she likes.

nocaltam · May 18, 2016

At this point, I would definitely NOT restrain her to such a small space- add a litter box to every "problem area", leaving the original one in its regular location. These extra litter-boxes might only be temporary, so don't worry too much about interior decorating. [emoji]128521[/emoji]
Absolutely no chasing! You are just reinforcing the cat's belief that you mean her harm. I would suggest that you actually ignore the cat, and just go about your life. Keep yourself open and friendly toward the cat, but don't pursue her in any way. Let her define the boundaries of your relationship....wait for her to come to you.
Give your GF's cat a lot of space, some extra kitty boxes, and lots and lots of PATIENCE....[emoji]128522[/emoji][emoji]128077[/emoji][emoji]127996[/emoji]

catlover73 · May 18, 2016

I had a cat years ago that was scared of my husband when we moved in together. I had my hubby feed all my cats. I told him to just go about his life and ignore her. Over time she slowly warmed up to him. First she started eating with him in the room. Next he could pet her briefly while I was with her. One day while I was at work she decided to sit next to him on the couch. He ignored her and continued watching tv. After she sat near him for a while he started talking to her but did not make any contact. By the end of the day she head -butted him and asked to be pet. They became very close over time and eventually he could actually pick her up. She rarely let me do that. She eventually started sleeping on his pillow.

My point is be patient and allow the cat to set the pace. Let the cat approach you when they are ready to. You can talk to the cat if you are in the same room but no contact unless the cat comes to you.

catminionjess · May 18, 2016

Applause to you for trying so hard to make your GF's cat comfortable in a her new home

. It sounds like you've tried everything I would suggest. I agree with the others about adding extra litter boxes in the problem areas and just leaving the cat alone, let her come to you. I also didn't have luck with calming my 3 cats (resident 2 hate the 3rd one, 3rd one hates the resident 2) with Feliway diffusers, but calming chews helped a little bit for a short time. I've used
and
I will say it's not unusual for a cat to just like one person only. My mom's cat, Mr. Manners, is skittish of my dad. He's 3 years old and has always lived with them. My dad is 6'2 and my mom is about 5'6. He runs when my dad walks near him, but he's fine if my dad is sitting down. I think he's afraid my dad will step on him. He has actually stepped on 2 previous cats on accident so Mr's fears aren't unwarranted. But Mr. will sit in my dad's lap when he's sitting in his recliner and Mr. will let him play with him with teaser toys sitting in the recliner or on the floor. But of course as soon as my dad stands up, Mr. takes off running. My mom is very much Mr's person.

catlover73 · May 18, 2016

I just thought of another thing you could try. My oldest cat Starbuck is scared of the carrier, car rides and the vet. Our vet wipes sprays herself with Feliway between patients. She gave us a sample Feliway wipe to try and instructed us to wipe down the carrier right before her vet visit. My hubby did this and she was a totally different cat. She fussed when he first put her in the carrier and a little in the car on the way there. She did not pee in the carrier this time though and she was much calmer during the vet exam. He said she was quiet in the carrier on the way home in the car and did not hide when she came out of the carrier.

I am wondering if this would be something else you can try in addition to doing things at the cat's pace.

ravynwriter · May 19, 2016

You can also try reading to her. If it's just you and her in the room, even if she's hiding under the bed, just sit down somewhere and start reading a book out loud. It will help her relax and get used to you in a non-stressful situation where the 'focus' is not on her so to speak, while still involving her.

plan · May 19, 2016

Just my $0.02 on chasing, wrangling and physically moving cats -- don't do it unless you absolutely have to.

Probably 99% of the time, you can get a cat to move out of a room or to a specific place by using toys or treats to lure them, or turn on a vacuum cleaner in the room you want them to vacate, etc. I've always found, with my cat, that it's much easier to get him to do something if he thinks it's his idea, or in his interest, rather than me "forcing" him to do something.

My other piece of advice would be to ignore her. Feed her, clean her litter, and other than that just act completely disinterested in her, like she's not even there. It might take a good amount of time, but eventually curiosity is going to get the better of her, she's going to start to feel comfortable with you, and she will initiate the contact.

And lastly, thanks to the good people here and their advice, I found that Dr. Elsey's Cat Attract Litter really does work, and for my cat it was the final piece of the puzzle in preventing any more "accidents." As with most things related to cat behavior, it seems to me that solutions are usually combinations of things -- moving the litter box to a better area, using a new type of litter, pushing the box a foot or two back from a doorway, that sort of thing.

Good luck!

tarasgirl06 · May 19, 2016

I'm hoping it's okay to post this -- moderators will decide, I know -- but I would suggest looking at cat behaviorist extraordinaire, Jackson Galaxy "The Cat Daddy"'s videos on YouTube, his books, and his program on Animal Planet, "My Cat From Hell". You can also follow him on the general social networking platforms. He is EXCELLENT in suggesting things that help cats like your and your girlfriend's cat. GOOD LUCK, patience and love will win the day!

sprin · May 19, 2016

I think you're doing really well, and with time this all will hopefully work. It might also help to scatter some covered areas around the house to make her feel more comfortable. Like put out boxes, covered cat beds, towels on high surfaces she can lay on (if you have like an empty spaces on a shelf or something you could set aside for her, or a ledge on a window sill, the top of the fridge, fun cat places). More places she can think of as her own.

inadcon · May 20, 2016

One thing not mentioned is that the type of litter can matter to a cat. Make sure you find one she likes (or has liked in the past) and stick to it.If your litter brand has not changed, be sure it is unscented and scoop daily or more often. Some cats prefer just men or just women, and will interact with the other, but just not as often.

As to not liking treats, I think you might want to try other types or brands, we have one who likes the dry, hard type and two who like the softer moist ones. It was only by trial and error that we figured this out.

lykakitty · May 20, 2016

If the vet says she's clear of any health problems it's most likely a behavior/adjustment problem. One thing to know with training cats (no matter what you're training them to do, whether it's tricks or just manners stuff) is that they do not respond to adversives, meaning anything that makes the "wrong" behavior unpleasant (shake cans, tape, squirt bottles, etc.). Not only are adversives less effective but they can cause serious damage to the cat psychologically speaking and make for much bigger behavior problems like fear aggression. I once knew a cat who had a similar problem with not using the litterbox and his owners "fixed" it by squirting him with a spray bottle every time they caught him going potty anywhere else and he ended up only using the litterbox, but also ended up terrified of anybody coming near him and started scratching and biting people because of it and it took months of very careful work to make him comfortable with them again.

There's a few things I'd recommend to help your problem. First off, I'd start with adding a second litter box. Cats like to have choices and having a couple options of boxes may help. You also need to look into Emma's background. Talk to your girlfriend about what kind of socialization she's had with people--has she ever lived with a man before? Has she had a bad experience with a man? A lot of cats will associate an entire gender (or even a hair style or type of clothing or something little like that) with the person that caused some trauma and be afraid of anyone who shares that trait. I've known of a cat who even associated the smell of pizza with being kicked by a pizza delivery guy and became aggressive towards anyone who smelled like or had pizza. They can make weird associations that us humans don't expect, so carefully go through any bad experiences she's had in however much of her history your girlfriend knows. Keep in mind that just because she doesn't know of anything doesn't mean nothing's happened, especially if she got Emma as an adult or older kitten. It could also be just that she's never really been around men before, in which case it's much easier to fix. Either way she could just be very uncomfortable with the living situation and need some time and work to adjust and will go back to the using the litterbox.

If she's had a bad association that's affecting her now, you'll have to pinpoint what she associated with the experience and change her views of it to positive ones. Do slow, careful introductions to whatever it is and reward her for even just being in the same room. Don't force her to interact with it and don't stop her if she needs to get away and be in her safe spot, but the longer she stays the bigger the rewards should get. Think like her to find what to use to reward her--what are her favorite things? Is she more motivated by food, play, or attention? If she doesn't particularly get excited for pets or playtime spend some trial and error time finding some treats she really likes. I personally don't like to use store bought treats as much as people food, just because it's a much higher value reward than any pet store treat. Cheese, bacon, and chicken are popular in my house but test some stuff and see what she likes, just make sure any people food you use is safe for cats and she only gets it in moderation. Don't stretch any training sessions too long, 5-10 minutes a day is usually plenty if you do it every day. If you think she's just unsocialized to men follow the same process, but it should go a lot quicker since good associations build up from nothing a lot faster than from bad associations.

You can also try putting a towel or tshirt or something that smells like you in her safe space. She may be a little hesitant at first but if the space otherwise smells like her she should be fine, and it'll help her adjust to your scent and get used to you, which if anything you may need to work at making her more comfortable with is related to you will make the process go faster and smoother.

Good luck! It takes some time and patience but if you keep at it it's very possible to fix these issues.

Please help - boyfriend who is really trying

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