Lamont Forever

@nerdgirl5  - It won't be an easy road at first, but time will soften the blow a little bit.  Don't feel like you have to go out and be social.  Allow yourself time to reflect and regroup, emotions stemming from loss can't be overthrown easily.  

You said you would be picking up Lamont's ashes early next week, please know we're here for you.  PM me anytime.  

Be sure to treat yourself well.  Your friend...

@nerdgirl5  - Below is a note that was posted in Simon's thread by @Margret

I'll direct everyone over to Lamont's thread, so all your words of support will be together.  

Below, from @Margret

Posted May 13th.

Don't dis crying -- you need  to cry.  You need to grieve -- you've lost a family member.  You may be thinking "Oh, I knew it was happening, so I was prepared for it," but that's not true.  You can never be "prepared" for something like this.

I hate repeating this, because I hate it that I keep needing  to repeat it, but there are some important guidelines for grieving, and you need to keep them in mind:

1. It hurts as much as it hurts.  This means that you don't listen to anyone who tells you "It was just a cat.  Get over it already."  Lamont was not  "just" a cat, he  (not "it") was a family member, your fur baby.  Losing him hurts because it's supposed  to hurt when we lose family.
2. It takes as long as it takes.  This means that you don't listen to anyone who says "It's already been three (six, nine, however many) months; don't you think it's time you let go?"  You are  letting go, at your own pace, in your own time.  Your grief is your own, and no  one has a right to tell you how long it should take.
3. The only  way to the other side of grief is straight through the middle.  There are no shortcuts, no bypasses.  Attempting to shorten the process, to "say goodbye" before you're ready results in one thing only: you never finish grieving, it weighs on you forever.  I took bad advice and did this once.  It was twenty-five years ago, and this is the loss that sticks with me, that in some ways continues to hurt the most, more even than the death of my father, because I grieved him properly and unhurriedly.

Lamont was your family, in some ways more than your parents -- he was the family you chose, and the family you lived with, the family you came home to every night.  I'm glad you were there for him, to make the decision to end his pain, but making that decision is one of the hardest things we ever have to do.  It's incredibly painful, and you wouldn't be human if it didn't  hurt like hell.  Now that Lamont is gone you need to care for his best friend -- you.  I never even met Lamont, but I'm sitting here crying as I write this.  If it's okay for me to cry for Lamont it is most certainly okay for you to.  The only thing that's not okay about crying is crying while driving.  And because it's not  okay to cry while driving, you may find it useful to set aside some time every day that's just for grieving; that way you can do it safely, so it doesn't hit you on your way to or from work.  This is one way to take care of yourself, not to mention taking care of everyone else on the road.

It's probably a good time for you to be supplementing your B vitamins; they help your body deal with stress.  If you have any doubts, ask your doctor.

Expect yourself to be a bit absent minded for a while; this is what lists are for.  Grocery lists, ToDo lists, priority lists, anything you need to deal with the fact that your mind's priority right now is grieving Lamont.

You may have trouble sleeping.  I've found melatonin to be extremely helpful for this.  It's safe, non habit forming, and it puts me out like a baby.  Once again, if you're unsure, ask your doctor.  Oh, yes.  And I've found Sudafed to be extremely helpful for stuffy noses.  At least in the U.S. you have to sign for it (because people who buy really  large quantities are probably making methamphetamines, but you  don't need that much); it's worth signing for.  They make a 12 hour variety that's extremely useful for getting through the night.  Do check the label and ask your doctor or pharmacist if you have any of the conditions that are a contraindication.

Sometimes it helps to talk to someone other than a friend, someone who will never tell you to "Get over it already."  If you find that happening, check out this post:http://www.thecatsite.com/t/276461/for-those-wanting-to-talk-to-someone-the-aspca-grief-hotline.  And always remember that we are here for you.  We  are your support group, and we all know how much it hurts to lose a pet.  You can come cry on our shoulders any time you want to.

Losing someone you love is a lot like amputation; there will always  be a Lamont shaped hole in your heart, and no other cat will ever fill that hole.  But if you take your time about it and grieve properly, the wound will heal cleanly, and someday the pain will lessen, and not catch you up with a sudden need to cry every time you pass the pet food aisle in the grocery store.  When that time comes, you may want to think about getting your next cat, not to replace Lamont, who is irreplaceable, but for his or her own self, to silently creep into your heart and make his or her own place there.



Please accept our thanks, on behalf of Lamont, for everything you did to ease his final journey, and for making that hard decision about when it was time to put an end to his suffering.

Margret

@nerdgirl5

Below are words of support from @mazie,

posted today May 13th.

Having those ashes home will be a great comfort for you.  You will be able to "kiss" him everyday.  I am so grateful I had my dog Missy cremated 2.5 years ago when she passed.  She is and always will be right there for me.  And believe it, having him there WILL HELP with your grieving.  You will see.  You will not feel so lost because he IS right there with you.

Thanks @2Cats4everLoved  

You're very welcome.  

I'll direct posters to Lamont's thread.   I hope you are well.  Remember you have lots of support here.

Thank you so much for all of that.  I know Lamont was a family member. He was, in fact, the only family I had, which is why this is VERY VERY hard for me. I told someone yesterday, it's not that I feel lonely. I feel empty.  We lived in a small studio apartment and I was used to checking for him, literally, every few minutes. To make sure he was ok, see what he was doing. And he did the same with me. It was unavoidable in a space this small. I'm still doing that. Only nobody's here. It's horrible. 

I'm not dissing crying, btw. I'm just kind of taking the temperature of where I am emotionally. And I know it's going to be roller coaster ride. I woke up this morning feeling emotionally devastated and crying. I know it's going to be like this for a while--some good days, some bad.

Luckily, I work at home so I don't have to drive and can adjust my schedule accordingly if I have a bad night.  I've been finding that watching Netflix in bed kind of puts me to sleep (no disrespect to Netflix, lol)

I have called and spoken with a grief counselor. I did if from a place in NJ and was actually ALSO planning on calling the ASPCA number.  I'm, essentially, playing it by ear day by day.  

I think I might have posted this here (I truthfully don't remember cause the past few days have been a blur) but, I've been grieving for him since I found out he he osteosarcoma back in December. This was my biggest fear. And it happened.  I kept thinking, after he's gone, I'll immediately get a new cat.  Well that's not going to happen--at least for a while.  I need to move past this, honor him and then be ready to love again. 

Thanks you guys for all the support and for being there. 

Well my family is coming tonight and they're all going to say why didn't you tell us you had a cold. My eyes won't stop leaking and my nose won't stop running.
I'm so sorry for your sad loss. He sounds like a wonderful addition to your life. You did the right thing. You have my deep condolences.

Thank you. 

I'm so sorry that Lamont lost his battle with that horrible bone cancer sooner that any of us thought, and I know your heart is completely broken in two.  Just know that you gave him the greatest gift of all by freeing him of that body that had betrayed him.    His pain ends as yours begins in earnest .   Having recently lost my almost 16 year old Callie, though, I can tell you that time really does help heal,   Of course you will never stop loving and missing him, but someday, believe it or not, you will be able to think of him with fond memories rather than tears. 

Run free at the bridge, sweet Lamont

Thanks.  I'm seeing that time does help. While I'm not quite there yet, every day is easier.  I'll be happy when his ashes are here. 

nerdgirl5 said:

 
Thank you so much for all of that.  I know Lamont was a family member. He was, in fact, the only family I had, which is why this is VERY VERY hard for me. I told someone yesterday, it's not that I feel lonely. I feel empty.  We lived in a small studio apartment and I was used to checking for him, literally, every few minutes. To make sure he was ok, see what he was doing. And he did the same with me. It was unavoidable in a space this small. I'm still doing that. Only nobody's here. It's horrible. 

I'm not dissing crying, btw. I'm just kind of taking the temperature of where I am emotionally. And I know it's going to be roller coaster ride. I woke up this morning feeling emotionally devastated and crying. I know it's going to be like this for a while--some good days, some bad.

Luckily, I work at home so I don't have to drive and can adjust my schedule accordingly if I have a bad night.  I've been finding that watching Netflix in bed kind of puts me to sleep (no disrespect to Netflix, lol)

I have called and spoken with a grief counselor. I did if from a place in NJ and was actually ALSO planning on calling the ASPCA number.  I'm, essentially, playing it by ear day by day.  

I think I might have posted this here (I truthfully don't remember cause the past few days have been a blur) but, I've been grieving for him since I found out he he osteosarcoma back in December. This was my biggest fear. And it happened.  I kept thinking, after he's gone, I'll immediately get a new cat.  Well that's not going to happen--at least for a while.  I need to move past this, honor him and then be ready to love again. 

Thanks you guys for all the support and for being there. 

Click to expand...

Yes, I do it with reading in bed, or falling asleep in front of the T.V. (not the best thing for my neck, I'm afraid).

I woke up from a dream the other day that my mother was still alive, that her recent death was all a bad dream.  It took me a few minutes to reconnect with reality.

In my personal experience, the grieving we do in anticipation of death doesn't cut down in any significant way on the amount of grieving we need after the death.  It seems like it should, but it doesn't, at least for me.  I hope it's more helpful for you.  And, yes, I know that we sometimes think we'll want to get a new cat immediately after a loss, but that can be very difficult.  It feels too much like we're getting a "replacement" for the one we've lost, which we know is impossible, and it's too easy to expect the new cat to be just like the one we've lost, which it can't be, because cats are just as individual as humans, and everyone deserves to be loved for his or her own self.  Don't try to push it; you'll know when you're ready.

For what it's worth, after Sweet Thing's death I went out and bought a teddy bear to cuddle at night.  It couldn't replace her, of course, but having that familiar feeling of fur against my belly made it a lot easier to sleep.

Margret

Glad that's helping you.  I've been finding that the "pre-grieving"--although I certainly wasn't intending to do it--has helped me through this rough time.

I'm not having any problems sleeping and am back working.  I'll always think of/remember Lamont. Always.  But am slowly starting to move forward.

Pain comes in waves, and the ony way out is THROUGH.  You can't go around the waves.  I do hope that you will adopt another cat in his honor someday when the time is right.  There aren't enough good homes like yours to go around.

I hear you. I don't think we have any option but to go through.  I will adopt another one (or two) when the time is right. 

Time does help....  and just remember, he is without pain now.  You couldn't fix his body, so he had to go find somewhere else to be (or whatever it is they do). 

Very sorry for your loss - but also happy that you were able to end his suffering. 

I keep telling the Rogue not to get reborn as a cat. The possibility of being a feral again is just too big! But even if that should happen, there are kind people out there, like maybe you, who will take in a cat that needs a home. It won't be replacing Lamont. It would be helping that particular cat. And any home without a cat in it is just too empty. (Any home without the Rogue in it is of course horrible, as would be any home without Lamont, but people have to get on with their lives somehow).

Maybe you could make him a cat page, and link your profile to it. I did, and cried over every picture, and there are many pictures. But eventually, I had other cats that needed my attention. Maybe, just maybe, there is another cat out there that needs yours.

Thanks. If I do end up doing that I will link to it.  Pretty much not into doing that right now--have A LOT on my plate in other aspects of my life so that's where my focus is.

Dearest,

     I am siting here crying over your beautiful story of love between you and your beloved Lamont. All of us here have been where you are now. I have lost many precious kitties in my life. I can feel the love you gave him from every word you have written. He knows how very much you love him and always will.Lamont will live in your heart forever and you will meet again. He will watch over you and he will want you to remember all the wonderful and loving times you spent together.You know that grieving is what we do for our fur babies,and there is no short cut to be healed . All of us heal in different ways. Know that you gave him a wonderful life filled with joy. You were there for him when he needed you most.You can never replace Lamont as he was so very special. Being the kind of person that you are, you will give love to another very lucky kitty when you are ready. Take as much time as is right for you. I am sending you love and total understanding. We are all here for you if you need us.

Thank you so much!

L, I know you're very much aware that no cat can replace another, just as no human we love can ever replace another.  They are as individual as we are, with such distinct personalities.  That said, no one here would be anything but thrilled if you found another cat or kitten to take into your home and love.  I've done it both ways and I don't believe there is a right way or a wrong way because we all grieve differently.  I have grieved endlessly over one, and in another case, I went with my eyes swollen up like pingpong balls to adopt another one the very next day so the one I had left would have a friend and companion.  And what I found was that while in no way did the new cat take the place of the one who was gone, there was a place in my heart ready-made for that particular little ball of fur.  He enriched my life enormously from the minute I laid eyes on him and continues to do so to this day, as the absolute ruler of our household.  I had the first one until he was almost 19, so that was a huge loss.  I didn't think I could ever love another animal as much as I loved him, but the kitten I adopted from a local rescue desperately needed a home and it turned out that just the act of saving a little life lightened my grief immeasurably.  Of course I still mourned and missed the other one, but I can't tell you the hope and joy that loving another one will bring to you.  No one who loves cats can help but laugh at their shenanigans, and just laughing helps more than I can say.  I believe we honor them most when we are still willing to love, whenever that may be, despite knowing that love makes us so very vulnerable. I know people who never adopted another pet because losing their pet hurt so much, and I think that is sad and such a shame because they have so much love to give. One person I know is too afraid to adopt again, but has found herself buying a chipmunk house for the chipmunk in her backyard.  She loves animals with a passion, but lets fear keep her from having another actual relationship with one.  I know that you are far too loving to react as she did, and you will know when the time is right. Lamont will never, ever be forgotten, he will live in your heart always until the two of you are reunited.   I think of you and Lamont often and I pray for you every day.  

Thanks. I have a lot on my plate right now professionally, etc. so I probably won't even think about getting another one til the end of the year (earliest.)  But, I'm still gonna feel it out and see how I feel.  I want to be completely ready.  I'll know when that is.