grieving / need to vent

It's been almost 2 months since I've let go of my darling Harrison. The first few weeks were BAD. And then i stopped obsessing so much over the could have/ should haves. I started taking my dog out more again, tried to remember that we were ok when it was just us too. And we were just extra lucky to find Simon and then Harrison. I've been doing O.K. especially because Simon has been even more loving than usual. (My 3 y/o cat "Harrisons dad") especially to the younger cats. and I smile because I see how much of Harrisons loving personality has rubbed off on him and left a huge mark on us forever.

Today though, I just broke down.I felt it coming on at work while euthanizing a 20 y/o cat. I wished they could all live to be 20.

Then my coworkers were watching some video of a dog kicking around a ball like soccer. Cute. But it made me think of harrison. He was my little soccer star, blind as he was, he would kick the ball around. And he was so handsy, we would play catch. He'd catch and kick it back to me. That thought snowballed ....to the fact that I too had a video of Harrison playing, but my phone had been stolen and that video along with a years worth of others.. vanished.

I knew it would be a bad day, so I tried to think of who I could talk to about it. And I couldn't think of 1 person I could honestly vent to.

Then I felt Completely alone. More so than ever.

I cried the whole hour home. Crawled into bed and cried til I fell asleep.

I still can't believe I'd only had him for 1 year. I'd give a limb to have him for just 1 more.

13 years ago when I was 10 years old, I lost my father. Then at 18 my sister died in a tragic car accident. Even at 10 I dealt with death in such a strange way. I just tried to act normal like everything was fine. At 18 I felt guilt. Mostly because my sister had called me 10 minutes before the accident and I missed it. But I kept it tucked away. I didn't obsess over it. I had melt downs here and there but after some time I didn't feel hopeless. She'd visit me in dreams and I felt like I knew she was ok.

With Harrisons death, I felt all the mourning I tried to skip in the past come crashing down on me finally.

All I can think about is what happens after we die. Do we see each other again? Wherever he is, is he scared? I wish I could believe he was with my sister at least.

Every part of his sickness was traumatizing. I feel guilty that I was such a wreck his last few weeks in this world. I feel guilty that when I wasn't a wreck I was trying to act "normal". I almost had too much hope that I could save him. I wish I went about the whole thing diferently.

It was valentine's day when he went into shock from FIP. I was out to dinner with my boyfriend and came home to him shaking. Why did I even leave, who cares about valentine's day when your baby is sick... I had no idea it'd be his last night.. he was really holding on until then..

We had brought him to emergency at 2 am. They suggested euthanasia but I couldn't do it there.. I didn't know these people and it didn't feel right.

My own job would not feel right. I wanted my holistic vet to do it. She cared and he deserved the best.

So, we have him sub q fluids and bubrinex to hold him over to the morning. We slept with him between us ok a heating bad. He wasn't really there anymore. Leo, our 2nd tabby the same age as harrison, laid with him and groomed his whole body. He knew something was wrong. We brought him to the reiki/holistic vet in the morning.
The whole drive there I held him in my arms and prayed to my sister. I wished him come back to me. I asked that if he had to return to this world he return healthy and loved.

I looked down at him and told him I love him. And for just a second he looked up at me with his 1 eye and knew he was there for that moment.

I used to play a game with him because he loved holding my hand. I'd move my hand quickly and he'd grab it tighter.

As I went to hold his arm off for the injection, he grabbed my finger tighter and cried out. I'll never forget that cry. I know that was his telling me he didn't want to leave. But I had no choice. He was yellow as could be and in shock. I wish there was some way of him knowing I did what's best. I 2ish I could know for sure that i'll see him again. This loss has been like no other for me. Which most would think is crazy after what I've been through, I don't under stand it either. I just don't know how I can feel better. I've never felt so helpless.

Where ever he is. he is not scared.

I promise you I feel the same way daily.

Just hugs. We understand.

He is at peace now. He loved you and would want you to be happy. Many hugs, we're here for you.

I truly want you to know you are not alone, we are here for you and can empathise with you, we are joined together by our love for these amazing members of our families.  Two months is not long at all to mourn such a loss to your life,time will bring peace to your heart eventually, but for now all you can do is let your precious memories of happier times comfort you. Don't dwell on the end, I know that is hard to do and it takes concentrated effort' but it brings nothing but heartache and tears, I believe you are right when you said you mourned the earlier losses too, if the mourning is not complete, it can be brought back with the next loss until you are able to come to terms with your losses, or at least learn to live with them. At ten, you were way too young to understand the concept of death and loss, and at 18 was at the stage of not understanding either, at that time in our lives we (and everyone) will live forever. It is not until we do experience profound loss and are older, when we finally come to terms with loss through understanding and accepting our own mortality.   I still have tears and regrets three years later, I have to focus on the fact that my sweet baby would never want me to be so sad because of her, they love us way too much and only want the best for us in the future.  You are hurting so much because you loved so much, the bond you forged can NEVER be taken from you, the 'essence' or soul of sweet Harrison will be with you always. Embrace and concentrate on the fact that you DID have him in your life, for however short of time, and look what he gave you, such sweet love and devotion, that is the legacy he left you, and he wants you to keep him with you through your love and the memories you both share and will keep forever. Pass on that love, and let him love through you, your heart is big enough to share that love with others.  Take care of yourself, open yourself up and let your grief pour out, through your tributes to those you love and have lost you will release some of that pain and learn to live again. I'll pray for all those you have lost, I'm sure your beautiful Harrison is purring on the lap of the beautiful angel who is your sister with your dad watching over them all.  RIP sweet Harrison, you are so greatly missed, and will be forever held in a loving heart!  

He's not scared.     

Consider the difference between "going to die" and "dying".  We are all going to die.  You.  Me.  Cats.  Dogs.  Anything alive will one day be dead.  That is different from "dying", which is what was happening to Harrison regardless of you.  Your role was to make his death less painful -- nothing was going to stop it from happening, the question is how long does he suffer while his life ebbs away?  When I had Flash euthanized in 2010 he was essentially drowning due to advanced, no longer treatable, HCM -- it would have been cruel to let him linger on slowly dying like that.  Harrison was at the point where, the next day, you were going to be alone without him -- the only question would be whether you wished he hadn't suffered for so long.

I am one who believes that animals want to live -- hence they will gnaw off a limb to escape a trap -- because they assume they will recover from a bad situation.  However, you have more information than they do -- you knew what was wrong with Harrison, you knew there was no recovery, no treatment, only suffering and death.  You alleviated one of them as best you could.  As difficult as it was and is and will be, it was the right thing given the circumstances.

Thank you all for your responses, each one was helpful and what I needed to hear, that was an especially hard day for me.

di and bob Thank you for your prayers

cataan I agree. I have no doubt in my mind that I made the right decision. Sometimes I just feel that I was selfish for holding out so long. Maybe had I come to terms sooner, he'd never go into shock and go more peacefully. I believed so much that I could save him. That he would be the rare case to make it thanks to his superhero mom... I believed so much I could save him that I stopped crying all the time and ignored the signs of him getting weaker. He kept eating.. not much.. but if I could get him to eat I called it a good day.

I have thought too that they do not understand what's happening to them and so it us that makes a rational decision. The thought of that just breaks my heart that he may be somewhere thinking, why didn't she want me or why didn't she make me feel better.

I understand too that I think much too deeply into things. It's a blessing and a curse.

Harrison is now perfect in a perfect place. He is not scared and is among those loved ones who have gone before us. Our kitties' wait to see us is but a blink of the eye, while our wait to see them again seems torturously long. For we who remain, our loss is a most difficult experience. Allow yourself to feel what you feel. There is no way to predict how long it might take for us to feel better. I'm so very sorry for your loss and understand what you are going through as do many others here.

cataan said:

 
Consider the difference between "going to die" and "dying".  We are all going to die.  You.  Me.  Cats.  Dogs.  Anything alive will one day be dead.  That is different from "dying", which is what was happening to Harrison regardless of you.  Your role was to make his death less painful -- nothing was going to stop it from happening, the question is how long does he suffer while his life ebbs away?  When I had Flash euthanized in 2010 he was essentially drowning due to advanced, no longer treatable, HCM -- it would have been cruel to let him linger on slowly dying like that.  Harrison was at the point where, the next day, you were going to be alone without him -- the only question would be whether you wished he hadn't suffered for so long.

I am one who believes that animals want to live -- hence they will gnaw off a limb to escape a trap -- because they assume they will recover from a bad situation.  However, you have more information than they do -- you knew what was wrong with Harrison, you knew there was no recovery, no treatment, only suffering and death.  You alleviated one of them as best you could.  As difficult as it was and is and will be, it was the right thing given the circumstances.

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A moment too soon is so much better than a moment too late.

I am so very sorry for your loss. I lost my Santiago only 3 days ago. 11 years together. And I feel my heart has stopped and my life is frozen, and everyone, except for a few close friends, act like it is not that big a deal, that it is sad, because you or course "love pets". But for me, he was not my pet! he was my family, my best friend, the longest and most unconditional relationship I have ever had.

I am sure your Harrison is in a beautiful place, and all around you at the same time. You deserve to griev, he was your baby. We always tip toe around a mother who has lost a baby, a child, a son.... this should not be any different. My love to you, I share your pain.