Rest in peace, my sweet little Sara Bear

donutte

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As I sit here, drinking my coffee and feeling like I don't know what to do with my time (even though I set my alarm for later this morning), I decided to write your tribute. Just writing the title made me sob so much that I had to put my coffee down.

Anyway, your time in my life was relatively short, compared to most of my other kitties. I believe it was ten years ago this month that we took you into our home. While I don't know the first few chapters of your story, I hope I made the rest of your time on this earth as pleasant as possible, and I hope you know that you were very loved.

Run free with your brother at the Bridge now, Sara. You were both very much alike in that you both loved to sneak out - and you both DID sneak out on more than one occasion. No more sneaking out, as you are free to roam wherever you want. No doors, no gates, no pills, no needles. You will never hurt again, my dear sweet girl.

I miss you so much Sara. You were always our tiny but feisty little girl. I still remember when you and Lucky would sit there waiting to lick my plate or bowl, and you'd push him away so you could have all of it. And when we got the cat tree, you claimed the top of it, first thing.


You were such a beautiful girl, inside and out. You didn't have a mean bone in your body. I know you didn't care for the kits since they wanted to play and, well, you didn't, and for that I'm sorry. Ms. Pea-Pea was watching over you yesterday before we left. I don't know if you realized that, but wanted you to know. I still remember when she started grooming you.

I know you missed Lucky, even more than Maple who has known him almost her whole life. I sometimes think that is part of why this happened. You got diagnosed with CKD less than a month after he died, and then less than six months later, you were gone too. And my heart is breaking as I mourn for both of you.

I will always remember this beautiful little face.

 
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artiemom

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Beautifuly said...

I cannot add anything else, except you loved Sara with all your heart, and she loved you back, just as much...

(((hugs)))
 

zed xyzed

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Sara was a beautiful girl, such a sweet face and I loved her markings. I followed this thread from the beginning and can't think of anything you could have done differently. You were so dedicated and committed to helping her get better. I am heartbroken that she is gone. I am thankful that she had a wonderful loving home for 10 years.

RIP beautiful girl and say hello to Lucky. I hope you can send your mom a message that you are ok; she misses you so much and will always love you 
 
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donutte

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Thank you. That is my favorite picture of her, and it's been the lock screen on my phone for almost three years.
 

jenny82

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I'm so very sorry for your loss. Sara was a beautiful girl and I know how much you loved her. You did a great job taking care of her. She is free from pain now. RIP sweet Sara.
 

LotsOfFur

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What a sweet note to your sweet Sara! You were her warrior and guardian and you gave her the ultimate kindness of listening to her when she no longer wanted to fight! :hugs:
 
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donutte

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I'm ok. Coping. Cried quite a bit this morning, managed to not cry too much at work. I guess I was able to keep my mind occupied enough. Went to lunch with a coworker (who I'm good friends with outside work). He managed to keep my mind off things by talking about politics :rolleyes: I kinda kept away from people for the most part though, didn't really feel like talking to people face-to-face today. Had a few calls, which were fine. A couple of my coworkers sent me their condolences via email yesterday, which I saw today (yes, I told them why I was not coming in). One came by to see how I was doing this afternoon.

Got home, package arrived with the five bags of fluids, five venosets, and package of Cerenia pills that I'd ordered. Will just be donating this stuff to some folks on a CKD group I'm part of, there's some folks in the Chicago area. I have a ton of needles, those are going to someone in Canada. I was going to get rid of the Cerenia but decided today to keep it, just in case I need it for any reason. That's just something good to have on hand, just like the appetite stimulants. I think part of that is paranoia, but oh well.

Ordered pizza for dinner. More comfort food. I have zero interest in going out tonight, I'd considered it but just too tired. That's really been the overwhelming feeling today - sheer and utter exhaustion, despite having slept through the night.

I miss my little girl. I'm still amazed at how fast the time has gone by. I swear it doesn't feel like ten years went by already since I got her. Not at all.
 

kittens mom

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I'm ok. Coping. Cried quite a bit this morning, managed to not cry too much at work. I guess I was able to keep my mind occupied enough. Went to lunch with a coworker (who I'm good friends with outside work). He managed to keep my mind off things by talking about politics
I kinda kept away from people for the most part though, didn't really feel like talking to people face-to-face today. Had a few calls, which were fine. A couple of my coworkers sent me their condolences via email yesterday, which I saw today (yes, I told them why I was not coming in). One came by to see how I was doing this afternoon.

Got home, package arrived with the five bags of fluids, five venosets, and package of Cerenia pills that I'd ordered. Will just be donating this stuff to some folks on a CKD group I'm part of, there's some folks in the Chicago area. I have a ton of needles, those are going to someone in Canada. I was going to get rid of the Cerenia but decided today to keep it, just in case I need it for any reason. That's just something good to have on hand, just like the appetite stimulants. I think part of that is paranoia, but oh well.

Ordered pizza for dinner. More comfort food. I have zero interest in going out tonight, I'd considered it but just too tired. That's really been the overwhelming feeling today - sheer and utter exhaustion, despite having slept through the night.

I miss my little girl. I'm still amazed at how fast the time has gone by. I swear it doesn't feel like ten years went by already since I got her. Not at all.
I got Kittens feeding tube collar days after we lost her. I donated it with a note asking the vet to use her discretion in donating it to the next cat that got a feeding tube. Passing that along made me feel like I was doing something. And it was not there to remind me that we lost.  Helping someone else is always healing.

I think it's perfectly fine to wallow for a bit. I am glad you have some real life support. Use it. How is your mother handling all this ? I would hang onto the cerenia pills also.

It's going to take more than one nights sleep to catch up on your rest. Mentally and physically you are beat. It's going to take some time.
 

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What a lovely tribute for your beautiful girl Sara.  I promise you, you did make her life pleasant and she knew she was loved.
 

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Omg I am so sorry for your loss. Reading your tribute got me crying! I know what it feels like to lose a special furry friend. It's heart breaking. But know you gave your kitty a wonderful life. Those cherished moments many other cats don't ever get to know. God bless ;):rbheart::rbheart:
 

di and bob

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My heart breaks for your pain, I would take it all away if I could, but time marches on and loved ones will leave us, no matter how much we want it to be different. Your feisty little girl lives on through your memories, she will always be by your side when you need her. Although her physical shell betrayed her, the 'essence' that was Sara will be near whenever you need her, the bond you formed is unbreakable and will be strong as long as you are alive to hold on to it. Bless you for hurting so bad from loving so much, time is the only thing that helps soften the edges. You are fortunate to have the support of friends, it helps to talk of your pain and it keeps the loneliness at bay for a while. She loved you so much, you were her world, she only wants the best for you now. Grieve for as long as it takes, she was a big part of your life for ten years, now you have the rest of your life to live as she would want for you, eventually in happiness and sunshine. Your tribute was beautiful, your love and devotion shines through. I'm sure your words ring through the heavens and  reach her on the lap of angels. Take care and keep busy.......RIP beautiful Sara, your star shines bright, let the soft light shine down to give comfort to the one who loves and misses you so much! 
 
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donutte

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I am just so... angry right now. This is just such a wicked disease. It strikes without rhyme or reason. Some cats can live for years. I have an acquaintance in the music scene whose little guy has had it for three years now, and still holding steady. I'm so happy for them. Then there was Lucky who was taken from me after being diagnosed 16 days earlier. Sara lived almost six weeks post-acute renal failure diagnosis and about four months post-CKD diagnosis. She actually had it longer than that, most likely, but that was our first time it was definitive.

I just feel there has to be more to this than just the luck of the freaking draw. Sooooo many people (even in the CKD group I'm part of) try to say it's all about diet. That's a big fat NO. Because if it was diet, I would have had a LOT more kitties with this than I did. It may make them more or less prone but there are cats on the greatest diets in the world that get this wretched disease. There's a lot more to it than that. Dental health seems to play a MUCH bigger part than I ever realized. Sara had horrible dental problems. I am not sure if Lucky did, but we're pretty sure he had a tumor in his left kidney, so it's a moot point there. I do worry about Maple, who I know has dental problems. At least, she has one bad tooth for sure.

So yeah, that's my thoughts for now. Anger is slowly dying down. Thanks for listening.
 

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I'm so very sorry for your loss
.  She was a sweet little girl, such a pretty doll.  She was so lucky to have you in her life.  You gave her 10 years of comfort and happiness, and she gave you the same.  The time they are with us is never long enough.   

RIP precious Sara 
 
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ruthm

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I am so sorry for the loss of your sweet Sara.  She had a very tough life but you made it so much better for her, and I know in my heart she knew this and loved you for all you did to help her.  It was a blessing for little Sara to find to fnd her Fur-ever home with you, please be kind and gentle with yourself, I know how heavy the grief you feel must be. You will be in my thoughts and prayers.

http://www.bonfires.de/TheLovingOnes.htm

The Little Orange Boy (Choosing Tears)
~ Anne Kolaczyk

The little orange boy stopped. Behind him, kitties were playing, chasing each other and wrestling in the warm sunshine. It looked like so much fun, but in front of him, through the clear stillness of the pond's water, he could see his mommy. And she was crying.

He pawed at the water, trying to get at her, and when that didn't work, he jumped into the shallow water. All that got him was wet and Mommy's image danced away in the ripples. "Mommy!" he cried.

"Is something wrong?" The little orange boy turned around. A lady was standing at the edge of the pond, her eyes sad but filled with love. The little orange boy sighed and walked out of the water. "There's been a mistake," he said. "I'm not supposed to be here." He looked back at the water. It was starting to still again and his mommy's image was coming back. "I'm just a baby. Mommy said it had to be a mistake. She said I wasn't supposed to come here yet."

The kind lady sighed and sat down on the grass. The little orange boy climbed into her lap. It wasn't Mommy's lap, but it was almost as good. When she started to pet him and scratch under his chin like he liked, he started to purr. He hadn't wanted to, but he couldn't help it. "I'm afraid there is no mistake. You are supposed to be here and your mommy knows it deep down in her heart," the lady said.

The little orange boy sighed and laid his head on the lady's leg. "But she's so sad. It hurts me to see her cry. And daddy too."

"But they knew right from the beginning this would happen."

"That I was sick?" That surprised the little orange boy. No one had ever said anything and he had listened when they thought he was sleeping. All he had heard them talk about was how cute he was or how fast he was or how big he was getting.

"No, not that you were sick," the lady said. "But you see, they chose tears."

"No, they didn't," the little orange boy argued. “Who would choose to cry?”

The lady gently brushed the top of his head with a kiss. It made him feel safe and loved and warm -- but he still cried about his mommy.

"Let me tell you a story," the lady said.

The little orange boy looked up and saw other animals gathering around. Cats--Big Boy and Snowball and Shamus and Abby and little Cleo and Robin. Merlin and Toby and Iggy and Zachary. Sweetie and Kamatte and Obie. Dogs too--Sally and Baby and Morgan and Rocky and Belle. Even a
lizard named Clyde and some rats named Saffron and Becky and a hamster named Odo. They all lay down near the kind lady and looked up at her, waiting. She smiled at them and began:
 

******************************************

A long long time ago, the Loving Ones went to the Angel in Charge. They were lonesome and asked the angel to help them. The angel took them to a wall of windows and let them look out the first window at all sorts of things--dolls and stuffed animals and cars and toys and sporting events.

"Here are things you can love," the angel said. "They will keep you from being lonesome."

"Oh, thank you," the Loving Ones said. "These are just what we need."

"You have chosen Pleasure," the angel told them.

But after a time the Loving Ones came back to the Angel in Charge.

"Things are okay to love," they said. "But they don't care that we love them."

The Angel in Charge led them over to the second window. It looked out at all sorts of wild animals. "Here are animals to love," he said. "They will know you love them."

So the Loving Ones hurried out to care for the wild animals. "You have chosen Satisfaction," the angel said.

Some of the Loving Ones worked at zoos and wild animal preserves, some just had bird feeders in their yards, but after a time they all came back to the Angel-in-Charge. "They know we love them," they told the angel.

"But they don't love us back. We want to be loved in return."

So the angel took them to the third window and showed them lots of people walking around, hurrying places. "Here are people for you to love," the angel told them.

So the Loving Ones hurried off to find other people to love. "You have chosen Commitment," the angel said.

But after a time a lot of Loving Ones came back to the Angel in Charge. "People were okay to love," they said. "But sometimes they stopped loving us and left. They broke our hearts."

The angel just shook his head. "I cannot help you," he said. "You will have to be satisfied with the choices I gave you."

As the Loving Ones were leaving, someone saw a window off to one side and hurried to look out. Through it, they could see puppies and kittens and dogs and cats and lizards and hamsters and ferrets. The other Loving Ones hurried over. "What about these?" they asked.

But the angel just tried to shoo them away. "Those are Personal Empathy Trainers," he said. "But there's a problem with their system operations."

"Would they know that we love them?" someone asked.

"Yes," the angel said.

"Would they love us back?" another asked.

"Yes," the angel said.

"Will they stop loving us?" someone else asked.

"No," the angel admitted. "They will love you forever."

"Then these are what we want," the Loving Ones said.

But the angel was very upset. "You don't understand," he told them. "You will have to feed these animals."

"That's all right," the Loving Ones said.

"You will have to clean up after them and take care of them forever."

"We don't care."

The Loving Ones did not listen. They went down to where the Pets were and picked them up, seeing the love in their own hearts reflected in the animals' eyes.

"They were not programmed right," the angel said. "We can't offer a warranty. We don't know how durable they are. Some of their systems malfunction very quickly, others last a long time."

But the Loving Ones did not care. They were holding the warm little bodies and finding their hearts so filled with love that they thought they would burst. "We will take our chances," they said.

"You do not understand." The angel tried one more time. "They are so dependent on you that even the most well-made of them is not designed to outlive you. You are destined to suffer their loss."

The Loving Ones looked at the sweetness in their arms and nodded. "That is how it should be. It is a fair trade for the love they offer."

The angel just watched them all go, shaking his head. "You have chosen Tears," he whispered.
 

******************************************

"So it is," the kind lady told the kitties. "And so each mommy and daddy knows. When they take a baby into their heart, they know that one day it will leave them and they will cry."

The little orange boy sat up. "So why do they take us in?" he asked.

"Because even a moment of your love is worth years of pain later."

"Oh." The little orange boy got off the lady's lap and went back to the edge of the pond. His mommy was still there, and still crying. "Will she ever stop crying?" he asked the kind lady.

She nodded. "You see, the Angel felt sorry for the Loving Ones, knowing how much they would suffer. He couldn't take the tears away but he made them special."

She dipped her hand into the pond and let the water trickle off her fingers. "He made them healing tears, formed from the special water here. Each tear holds bits of all the happy times of purring and petting and shared love. And the promise of love once again. As your mommy cries, she is healing.

"It may take a long while, but the tears will help her feel better. In time she will be less sad and she will smile when she thinks of you. And then she will open her heart again to another little baby."

"But then she will cry again one day," the little orange boy said.

The lady just smiled at him as she got to her feet. "No, she will love again. That is all she will think about." She picked up Big Boy and Snowball and gave them hugs, then scratched Morgan's ear just how she liked.

"Look," she said. "The butterflies have come. Shall we go over to play?" The other animals all ran ahead, but the little orange boy wasn't ready to leave his mommy. "Will I ever get to be with her again?"

The kind lady nodded.

"You'll be in the eyes of every kitty she looks at. You'll be in the purr of every cat she pets. And late at night, when she's fast asleep, your spirit will snuggle up close to her and you both will feel at peace. One day soon, you can even send her a rainbow to tell her you're safe and waiting here for when it's her turn to come."

"I would like that," the little orange boy said and took one long look at his mommy. He saw her smile slightly through her tears and he knew she had remembered the time he almost fell into the bathtub.

"I love you, Mommy," he whispered. "It's okay if you cry." He glanced over at the others, running and playing and laughing with the butterflies.

"Uh, Mommy? I gotta go play now, okay? But I'll be around, I promise."

Then he turned and raced after the others. 
 

kittens mom

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I am just so... angry right now. This is just such a wicked disease. It strikes without rhyme or reason. Some cats can live for years. I have an acquaintance in the music scene whose little guy has had it for three years now, and still holding steady. I'm so happy for them. Then there was Lucky who was taken from me after being diagnosed 16 days earlier. Sara lived almost six weeks post-acute renal failure diagnosis and about four months post-CKD diagnosis. She actually had it longer than that, most likely, but that was our first time it was definitive.

I just feel there has to be more to this than just the luck of the freaking draw. Sooooo many people (even in the CKD group I'm part of) try to say it's all about diet. That's a big fat NO. Because if it was diet, I would have had a LOT more kitties with this than I did. It may make them more or less prone but there are cats on the greatest diets in the world that get this wretched disease. There's a lot more to it than that. Dental health seems to play a MUCH bigger part than I ever realized. Sara had horrible dental problems. I am not sure if Lucky did, but we're pretty sure he had a tumor in his left kidney, so it's a moot point there. I do worry about Maple, who I know has dental problems. At least, she has one bad tooth for sure.

So yeah, that's my thoughts for now. Anger is slowly dying down. Thanks for listening.
It's one thing to seek advice , comfort or camaraderie on a message board/group. It never replaces what goes on between you and your veterinarian. No one case of anything is ever exactly the same.

And this is not meant to be harsh. Lucky was 16 , Sara 14 the hardest thing we have to consider is they had reached the end of their natural lives. Just because one cat can eat dog food for 20 years and never have an issue doesn't mean every cat can. We see the same with humans. The health nut dies at 40 from a heart attack and the drunk is still walking a mile uphill both ways to the liquor store daily.

Genetics in any species will always play a role. One of the reasons our pet cats are living longer is the ability to treat chronic disease. And even that is no guarantee. The closed cocoon of your online communities. You are hearing from cat owners that take their pets to the vet for treatment rather than euthanasia when things get rough. When you can you should schedule a consult with your veterinarian and ask her/him these questions.  Your efforts to save Sara are lost on you because you feel you failed. We aren't gods. Sometimes no matter how hard we try the outcome is beyond our control. You provided a loving home for a beautiful girl full of love and the best care you could provide.  And a pox on anyone who says different. You are a phenomenal woman to put up the fight you waged for Sara, and Lucky. You were their hero. And to many of us an inspiration.
 
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donutte

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Oh, I always run things by my vet. Well, not every single food I feed them (it's a pretty big variety in the canned section), but you know what I mean.

Today's a better day. I think going to a memorial service yesterday for the mother of a friend was a bit cathartic. I cried for myself as well as her, I realized. I also spent some time hanging out with friends afterwards, both at a taco bar at the church right after the service, and then at a friend's house (where said taco bar was relocated to). It was just nice to be doing something different. Didn't expect to be out more than an hour, and I ended up being out for about six hours (eight hours if you count travel time). It was nice, and felt apropos.

I also realized what a great group of friends I really have. They all gave their condolences to me. Even the one who lost her mom (I wasn't expecting that). I wasn't expecting any of it, actually.

Flipped the calendar to May. I hate the month of May, but it was nice to say goodbye to April. When Lucky died, I still had most of November to get through. I'm actually not too keen on the month of May either (so many deaths in my family happened in May). And the sixth-month anniversary of Lucky's passing this month. But I have my bright shining star smack dab in the middle of the month - the boys' first birthday.
 
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donutte

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Thought I'd share another couple of photos of her that I came across. This one I think is from the same day as that laundry photo in my original post. Probably 2007/2008 time frame. I always felt she looked so... Egyptian here. Just me I'm sure, but I love this pic of her.



This is from April 13, 2013. I feel like she was in her "prime" here if you will. She had stopped pulling her hair out and had a beautiful coat. She was such a happy and playful little girl. 11 years old at the time, and loved running around the house with Lucky.

 
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